Читать книгу Mr. Punch's Scottish Humour - Группа авторов - Страница 4
Оглавление“AS ITHERS SEE US”
[“He is a Scotsman and therefore fundamentally inept.”—The Tiger.]
Ah, baist nae mair the bard o’ Ayr
That whiles was Scotland’s glory,
An’ dinna rave o’ Bruce the brave
An’ Bannockburn sae gory;
But greet yer lane an’ mak’ yer maen
That ye are ca’d a Scoatsman—
There’s naught but scorn for him that’s born
’Twixt Tweed an’ John-o’-Groat’s, man.
Nae poo’er hae we a joke tae see—
Ye ken the auld, auld rumour;
We canna taste the flavour chaste
That marks the Cockney humour;
’Tis owre refined for oor dull mind,
Though greeted wi’ guffaws, man,
By cultured wits that thrang the pits
O’ Surrey music ha’s, man.
Oor manners, tae!—my heart is wae
When I compare the races,
Contrastin’ oor behaviour dour
Wi’ English airs an’ graces.
We Scots maun hide oor humbled pride
An’ greet in sorrow dumb, man—
We canna baist the perfect taste
An’ canny tact o’ Brum, man.
An’ oh! ye ken, as beesness men,
In dealin’ wi’ an order,
We aye maun find oorsels behind
Oor brithers owre the Border.
We vie in vain wi’ English brain;
Hoo can we mak’ a haul, man,
Until we start tae lairn the art
That’s practised in the Mall, man?
CANDID
Tam (very dry, at door of country inn, Sunday morning). “Aye, man, ye micht gie me a bit gill oot in a bottle!”
Landlord (from within). “Weel, ye ken, Tammas, I daurna sell onything the day. And forbye ye got a half-mutchkin awa’ wi’ ye last nicht (after hoors tae); it canna be a’ dune yet!”
Tam. “Dune! Losh, man, d’ye think I could sleep an’ whusky i’ the hoose?!”
“A NICHT WI’ BURNS”
Good Name for a Scots Policeman.—Macnab.
STANDING ON HIS DIGNITY
Shipping Agent. “Are you a mechanic?”
Intending Emigrant (justly indignant). “No!—I’m a Macpherson!”
Old Scots Slang.—In an old Scots Act of Parliament “anent the punishment of drunkards” a clause adjudges all persons “convict” of drunkenness, or tavern-haunting, “for the first fault” to a fine of £3, “or in case of inability or refusal, to be put in jogges or jayle for the space of six hours.” What was “jogges,” as distinguished from “jayle”? Possibly a somewhat milder place of detention for the rather, than that appointed for the very, drunken. If so, “jogges,” in the lapse of time, we may suppose, having lost its distinctive sense, came to be regarded as simply a synonym of “jayle,” and, as such, now passes current in the People’s English (not to say the Queen’s) abbreviated into the contraction “jug.” Thus imprisonment for a state of too much beer might be described as jug for jug.
ILLUSIONS!
McStaggert (on his way home, having jumped over the shadows of the lamp-posts, &c., brought up by that of the kirk steeple). “E——h!” (Pauses.) “Ne’ mind! ’Sh no help for it.” (Pulls up his pants.) “Shall have to wade thish!”
LINES BY A SCOTSMAN
(On reading that an Act of the Australian Legislature against the Growth of Thistles received the Royal Assent)
What’s this? Forbid the growth o’ thristles,
Auld Scotia’s cherished symbol-flower—
The hair upon ma head it bristles,
At sic an awfu’ waste o’ power!
’Tis idle wark, as time will show,
To root the bonny plant frae ground;
For Nature still gars thristles grow
Where canny Scots are to be found.
What soil so puir but it can keep
A thristle green amang its stanes?
What land so bare a Scotsman deep
Canna pick something aff its banes?
As weel keep bees frae honey-pots,
Keep cats frae cream, or bairns frae tarts,
As thristles and their brither Scots
Frae lands whaur goud is found i’ quartz.
WELL TURNED
Minister (reproachfully, to bibulous village barber with shaking hand). “Ah, John, John! That whisky——”!
Barber (condolently). “Aye, sir, it mak’s the skin unco tender!”
“AU PIED DE LA LETTRE”
Free-Kirk Minister (to his “Elder”). “John, I should like you to intimate that on Monday next I propose paying pastoral visits in the High and North Streets, in which I also hope to embrace all the servant girls of the congregation in that district!”
His Wife (whom he’d lately married from the South). “You shall do nothing of the kind, sir! Let me see you dare to——!”
[Goes into hysterics!
Geographical.—Examiner (to Scots boy in Free School). Where is the village of Drum?
Scots Boy (readily). In the county of Fife.
[Prize given.
Stop Him!—A Scots gentleman puts the postage stamps wrong way up on his letters, and calls it, with a tender feeling,—Turning a penny!
Hungry Visitor (ignorant of the nature of this particular delicacy). “Ah, Donal, mon, we ken weel hae the rabbit for saxpence. We ken get twa bawbees fur the skeen when we get back to Glasgow!”
Seasonable Weather in Scotland.—(Edinburgh, New Year’s Day.) Sandy. There’s mair snaw this new year than I’ve seen for mony a day; it’s by ord’nar.
Jock. Ay, but it’s vera saisonable wather.
Sandy. ’Deed, ye may say that, Jock,—fine saft fa’in for the fou folk.
CURLING ON THE ICE IN SCOTLAND.
HIGHLY CONSIDERATE
Little Smithkin (debonairly). “Object to smoking?”
North Briton. “Nae in the least, if it does na’ mak’ ye seek!”
[As Little S. said, he “cut the old cad for the rest of the journey.”
