Читать книгу Coming Clean - Living with OCD - Hayley Leitch - Страница 8

DAD’S FISHPOND WAS big, around ten feet long and built in the shape of a figure of eight. In the narrowest part it measured four feet across – far too wide for a small child like me to step or jump over – and it was full of Koi carp. There were different coloured fish, from silver and orange through to the deepest blue-black. If I looked hard enough I’d catch a glimpse of their scales as they glinted against the light. Although I was happy to look from a safe distance I didn’t want to get too close because I was frightened of them. I didn’t like the way the big ones swished quickly through the water. I hated the slime of the pond and the way the carp would quickly change direction. I didn’t like the speed of them, the unpredictability, but most of all, I didn’t like their huge, dead-looking glassy eyes and open mouths which surfaced every time they popped up for air. In short, Dad’s fish terrified me.

‘Why are you so frightened of them Hales?’ he asked one afternoon as I skirted warily around the edge of the pond.

Dad was shaking in pellet feed. The round, hard shapes landed on top of the water before slowly bobbing and sinking down into the murky depths below. The thought of all those hungry fish made my stomach turn. To me, my father’s Koi carp looked as dangerous and frightening as sharks in the sea.

‘I’m frightened they’ll bite my toes off,’ I confided.

Dad stifled a giggle but he didn’t quite laugh because he knew it’d upset me. This was a real fear.

‘But they’re just fish Hales. They won’t hurt you.’

I didn’t believe him. Instead, I suffered nightmares where Dad’s Koi carp would eat my toes. I was so frightened that my dreams would jolt me awake in the middle of the night. The fishpond held every fear I had. But my fears also made me a little curious and, every time I was in the garden, I’d dare myself to edge a little closer to see if I could see the ‘sharks’. But I never got too close in case one jumped out of the water and bit me on the nose!

At the time, we lived in a five bedroom semi-detached house in Balham, London. There was me, Lauren, Zara, Mum and Dad and Nanny Linda, Mum’s mother, who lived with us. After Nanny Rose’s death, I often found myself watching Nanny Linda because I was worried she’d get sick and die. Thankfully, she was as fit as a fiddle. Nanny Linda had lived with us for as long as I could remember. Her husband, Granddad Guy, had passed away when I was just a baby so I didn’t remember him. Instead, Nanny Linda told me stories from the past which I used to fill in the blanks. She told me how one day Granddad Guy had fallen down right in front of her. He suffered from something called emphysema – a horrible word that stuck inside my head. It was an illness which meant he couldn’t breathe properly.

‘He just fell on the floor,’ Nanny Linda recalled, her eyes watering with tears.

I was sitting on the edge of her bed, hanging onto her every word.

‘What did you do?’ I gasped.

‘I was so scared Hayley, that I sort of froze to the spot. It was your Uncle Duncan who got down and gave him mouth to mouth. He tried to get him breathing again…’ Her voice trailed off to a whisper as she tried to compose herself.

I pictured my uncle breathing into Granddad’s mouth, trying to bring him back to life for my lovely nana.

‘But it was no good,’ she said wandering over towards her bedroom window. ‘He died right there and then.’

Nanny Linda said Granddad Guy had been the love of her life. She loved him so much that she never, ever wanted to be parted from him. That’s why she kept his ashes in a tub inside a special cupboard in her bedroom.

‘It’s so we can be buried together,’ she explained.

When Granddad died, my parents insisted Nanny Linda come to live with us. In many ways, she became my second mother. She helped look after me and my two sisters when Mum and Dad were at work. I often wondered why Nanny Linda never remarried but she insisted it was because no one could ever take Granddad’s place. It was as if by remarrying, she’d somehow be unfaithful to him. For Nanny Linda, marriage was for life.

Our back garden was large with a cubed-shaped blue play slide. Dad’s fishpond sat to the side in pride of place. In many ways it was his jewel in the crown and he’d spend hours cleaning it out, checking on his dozens of fish. Lauren and I would fall about laughing every time Dad cleaned out the pond because he’d emerge from the house dressed in a pair of high-fitting khaki-coloured rubber waders. We’d squeal with laughter because the rubber came right up to his waist and made it look as though he was wearing a skirt. Then in he’d climb, wearing his rubber ‘skirt’, wading through the water like a professional fisherman, holding a net in his hand. I watched him from the slide because secretly, I was terrified he’d topple over and fall in and the vicious fish would eat him up. They never did of course, but the fear was real. I watched from afar until one day when everything changed. I still can’t recall how it started or why I even did it, but something told me to climb up onto the raised platform and tip-toe along the edge of the pond. It was as though there was a voice inside me, a braver Hayley willing me on to see if I’d do it. Soon, the urge was so strong that I couldn’t stop myself. As I took my first tentative steps, I stole a breath. The water looked inky black and as sinister as I’d imagined. The more I looked down, the more I saw – the odd flash of silver and orange glinting like tiny torches against the beams of daylight. It was so sunny I could even make out Dad’s biggest fish, which were a strange mixture of bluish grey and black. They scared me most because they were huge, almost two feet long. They were scarier than the others because they were so dark that they were virtually invisible. The sort who’d sneak up on you when you least expected and take a bite out of you. The thought of the fish terrified me. I jumped down from the edge – I’d done enough for today.

Days later, I was at it again, only this time the voice which had told me to walk along the edge of the pond was now daring me to go one step further – this time I had to jump it. My heart was thudding as I climbed back up onto the edge. I held a hand against my mouth as I surveyed the size of it. I knew I couldn’t jump the length because it was far too long but the width was so much narrower. Even though it was wider than I was tall, I knew I was good at jumping so I told myself I could do it – I could jump the fishpond! As the idea danced around inside my head I remembered the scary fish inside.

What if they chomped at my fingers and toes?

The thought of them made me feel sick but there was something else – I couldn’t swim. It should’ve been enough to make me walk away but something kept me there. The compulsion to jump over the water had quite literally glued my feet to the spot until it was all I could think of. My mind raced with random thoughts as they whizzed and whirred inside my head.

If I jumped the fishpond then everyone would be really pleased. If I jumped the pond and made it to the other side then maybe bad things wouldn’t happen and everyone would stay safe?

I knew it was crazy, even at five years old, but somehow because it was so crazy it also seemed to make perfect sense. In order to stop awful things from happening, I’d have to put myself at risk because at least that way nothing awful would happen to my family again.

I glanced up and around me. Lauren was playing happily in the bottom corner of the garden near the slide. The pond beckoned me until I forgot all about my sister and focused on what I had to do. I wandered around the edge until I was standing at the narrowest part – the pinched-in bit of the figure of eight. If I was going to clear it then I’d have to jump that part, otherwise I’d fall in.

But what if I didn’t make it? What if the horrible sharks gobbled me up? What if I drowned?

I stole a breath. By now, panic had set in and my heart was racing as I tried to shake the negative thoughts from my head. The doubts were still there, niggling away at the back of my brain like the fish nibbling at my toes, but I could do this and I had to, to keep my family safe. I shuddered because I was too scared to jump and too scared not to. If I didn’t jump then bad things would happen, like Nanny Rose dying, and it’d all be my fault. Soon, the urge was so strong that I couldn’t contain it any longer.

Imagine how pleased everyone would be? Imagine how clever they’d think I was?

I thought back to the day on Nanny Rose’s swing, when everything was perfect and everyone was well. I wanted, no, I needed, everyone to tell me how well I’d done. I wanted them all to see, but only when I’d cleared it, then they’d all be happy.

I glanced over at Lauren. Her head was bowed as though she was in deep thought, playing in her own imaginary world yet, there I was, about to take the biggest jump of my life. My eyes darted over towards the back of the house. Mum and Nanny Linda were busy inside. I could see Nana; she was ironing in the kitchen. Mum was cleaning the house; I spotted her head as she walked inside the kitchen to pick up something. I waited until she’d moved away from the window and then I knew it was time.

I can do this, the voice inside my head urged.

It was right, I could do this and I had to do it now. Gritting my teeth, I took a few steps back, enough to take a running jump. I screwed my eyes up tight so that I wouldn’t see the water and took an extra deep breath for courage. I gulped in so much air that my lungs felt fit to burst. When I was sure I couldn’t breathe in any more I ran towards the pool at full pelt. Like a steam train – nothing, no one, could stop me. My feet lifted up and left the safety of the paving slabs. Soon I was falling against thin air, my hands, arms and legs splaying against nothingness. The cold water enveloped me almost immediately and brought me back into the moment. It choked me as it slipped up inside my nose and mouth, working its way like a snake down into my lungs, before stealing my breath. I instinctively put out my arms to stop myself from sinking deeper, but as I did thin webs of green slime slipped through my fingers. I heard the muffled and distorted sound of voices coming from above and saw dark shadows silhouetted against the sunlight. People were frantically looking down at me, watching me sink. I don’t remember who dragged me out but I do remember the almighty telling off I got from Mum.

‘Why did you do that, you silly girl? You could’ve drowned!’ she screeched, as I choked and spluttered in front of her.

The taste in my mouth was vile, even worse than the sour apple. I coughed and spat something out – putrid green water splashed against the floor by my feet. The look and taste of it made me want to retch and I started to shake.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ Mum was screaming. ‘You could’ve died! Why did you do it, tell me why you did it, Hayley?’

Three pairs of eyes looked straight at me as Nanny Linda, Mum and Lauren waited for an answer I didn’t have.

‘I fell in,’ I lied.

Mum shook her head in disbelief.

‘Well, thank God we saw you when we did, otherwise who knows what could’ve happened!’

She was so angry that she was shaking too.

‘You could’ve drowned!’

How could I tell her that I hadn’t fallen in, that it hadn’t been an accident – that the real reason I’d ended up in the water was because I needed to jump the pond?

It took a while, but eventually Mum calmed down. To be honest, I think I’d frightened her almost as much as I had myself. Thankfully, I managed to escape without any shark bites that day and, other than a sore throat from swallowing too much water and a bit of green slime which had stained my skin; it was nothing a hot bath and good scrub wouldn’t sort out. Despite my near-death experience, soon I was as good as new. It spurred me on to have another go.

The next time I tried to jump the pond it was a weekend. Dad had been in and out of the house all day doing various bits of DIY, so I waited until he’d nipped back inside before I took a running jump.

This time I’ll clear it, I just know I will, the voice inside my head convinced me. It repeated it over and over, like a mantra.

But I didn’t clear it; in fact, I didn’t come anywhere close but landed right in the middle and sank straight to the bottom like a stone. Dad saw me and ran across the garden to fish me out.

‘What are you doing, Hayley?’ he gasped, his voice rising with panic. ‘You shouldn’t go near the pond, you could’ve drowned!’

But the thought of dying didn’t deter me because I needed to do this, to keep everyone safe. If anything, trying to prove that I could and would clear it seemed to make it more of a challenge. The third time I jumped the pond was the most upsetting of all. That afternoon, I’d been invited to a boy’s party in the neighbourhood. Mum had been out and bought me a brand new dress. I loved my party dress; it was all white with a big swishy skirt and lots of girly frills. It was absolutely perfect. Mum had spent ages styling my hair until it was curled at the sides and pinned up on top with a big bow. Even my socks had lace and frills and my shoes were black and shiny. I was all ready for my party. As I stood inside the kitchen waiting for Mum, I twisted my feet so that I could admire my shoes. As I did, I noticed the fishpond out of the corner of my eye. It was still there, calling to me through the window, urging me to give it just one more try. I was lovely and clean and all ready to go but something told me to open up the backdoor and wander over towards the pond.

Maybe my smart new clothes would help? Maybe they’d give me extra power?

I needed to find out. I’d never cleared it before but today, something told me it would be different. This time, I’d jump it in one go.

Mum hadn’t noticed me slip out into the garden because she was busy talking to Nanny Linda. As I stood at the edge of the pond, I glanced back at the house. The coast was clear.

The crazy paving felt uneven beneath my feet and the water in the pond was as dark and unwelcoming as I remembered. It was a hot day and the stench rising from it made me recoil but the sun was shining high in a virtually cloud-free sky and today felt better and full of hope. Today would be different because today I’d jump the pond.

This time I’ll clear it. This time I’ll make it across, I just know it. The voice convinced me.

I closed my eyes and took the deepest breath I could. Then I began to run. The faster I ran the more I imagined the happy faces, cheers and applause as I landed safely on the other side. My party dress would still be immaculate and I’d be hailed a hero – Hayley the hero. Mum and Dad would be so pleased because they wouldn’t have to worry about me not being able to swim anymore. Once I’d jumped the pond everything would be great. As I ran I felt my feet leave the earth as they sailed and then scrambled through the air.

Almost there, the voice told me, I was almost at the other side. This time I’d make it. This time everything would be better.

The coldness of the water slapped me sharply like a hand across my face. A huge blanket of water whooshed over the top of my head swallowing me whole. Coldness froze against my skin making it numb, as my arms tangled against watery cobwebs. Suddenly, the whip of something against my back caused me to panic.

It was them; the fish were coming to get me!

My heart pounded as I struggled to untangle both my fingers and hair from the weeds. But the more I struggled, the more they seemed to pull me under like swirling green hands dragging me to my death. I was simply terrified.

What if no one had seen? What if no one came to my rescue? What if I drowned and died at the bottom of the pond?

My fingers fumbled around, trying to hold onto something, anything. I realised I didn’t want to die. I was only five. I just wanted everything to be back how it was. I imagined myself standing above, at the side of the water, dressed in my pristine party dress.

What if I never saw my parents or Nanny Linda ever again?

My stomach lurched.

What if I landed at the bottom of the pond and the fish ate me, chewing me up into small pieces? No one would ever find me.

My heart pounded with fear. Suddenly, a distant voice sounded above. My eyes felt fuzzy as I tried to look through the dirty water. It was hard but I looked up towards the light and that’s when I saw a blurred and horrified face peering straight down at me. She was mostly shadow but I knew immediately who it was – my sister Lauren.

‘Mum, quick! Hayley’s in the pond again!’ Her voice sounded muffled and distorted through the thickness of the water.

Another figure appeared and then a hand reached down. It grabbed the front of my dress and I felt a frantic tug and then relief at the sensation of being pulled upwards, towards the light. As soon as I reached the surface I gasped for air. The hand had belonged to Mum and now she was standing there and she was absolutely furious.

‘For God’s sake Hayley!’ she screamed. ‘Look at the state of you, your dress is ruined!’

I looked down; it was stained green from the slime and dirty water. Mum was right, everything was ruined. I’d ruined everything.

‘In fact, forget it; you can’t go to the party.’

The rescue, the fresh air, but more importantly, the impact of what I’d just done hit me and I promptly burst into tears. Mum was trembling with both fear and anger as I dripped in front of her. Nanny Linda always tried her best to keep the peace but even she couldn’t hold her tongue when she saw me and came running over.

‘Oh balls! Has she been in the bloody fishpond again?’ she asked, clamping her hand over her mouth in horror.

It seemed to make Mum even worse.

‘Your dress is ruined! You’ll never be able to wear it ever again.’ She shouted. ‘I may as well put it all straight in the bin. Why did you do it? You could have drowned, you silly girl. You can’t swim! Tell me, tell me why you did it?’

But the problem was I didn’t know. Instead, I wept because I’d frightened myself. I was upset because my pretty party dress was ruined but most of all, I cried because I knew I’d worried Mum. But she saw how distraught I was and softened a little.

‘It’s okay,’ she said looking over at Nanny Linda. ‘You can go to the party. But,’ she said raising a finger as if to make a point, ‘you never, ever go near the pond again. Agreed?’

I nodded my head.

‘Go on then,’ she said pointing towards the house. ‘You’ll have to get washed and, as for your dress, well, that’ll have to go straight in the bin.’

I didn’t look at Mum or Nanny Linda because I felt ashamed. Ashamed of what I’d done. The worst part was I didn’t even know why I’d done it. I turned and walked sadly back towards the house. I’d ruined everything. My dress, socks and shoes were soaked and my hair was a tangled mess of knotted, wet curls and blanket weed. I shivered with shock and cold as I lifted my shoulder and sniffed it – I stunk to high heaven and it was my fault. I was devastated about my party dress because it’d been the prettiest one in the shop and now I’d never get the chance to wear it again.

Nanny Linda helped scrub me clean in the bath but as much as she loved me, I could see her wondering exactly the same thing as Mum.

What was wrong with Hayley?

‘You’re a bloody mare, you are!’ she said, shaking her head in despair as she scrubbed my neck and back with the soapy sponge.

I was a little late getting to the party and, in the end, I wore an older and much less ‘swingy’ dress. I was upset because I’d felt so lovely before but now I looked dull and dowdy. Sure enough, Mum threw the dress in the bin. I don’t know if she told Dad because nothing else was said but when I returned home I was so distressed that I cried myself to sleep.

Why did I have to keep jumping the pond and why did I have to keep upsetting them all so much?

But I didn’t know the answer. In my own mind, I was doing it to protect them but how could I tell them that? Just saying it sounded wrong. My urge to jump was so strong that I knew it wouldn’t go away until I had.

The next time I jumped the pond, both my parents were at work. Nanny Linda was sitting watching us in the garden. It was a red hot day in the middle of the school holidays. Lauren and I had been messing about with the hosepipe all morning, looping it down the slide so we could slide along a little faster. Nanny Linda was resting in a chair reading a book. She was dressed in a swimsuit and shorts. Every time I walked past her I could smell olive oil because she used it on her skin. We used proper suntan cream but Nanny Linda always used oil. Her family were from Greece, and her dark skin never seemed to burn. She was a petite woman with long, dark hair. At one point it was so long that it almost touched her bum but, as she got older, she cut it until eventually, it ended up in a neat tight perm on the top of her head.

By the afternoon, I felt a little chilled so I changed back into my clothes and I wandered back out into the garden. Nana was sitting with Zara, who was still in her pushchair. The hood was up and she had a hat on to shield her against the sun. I looked across at the pond. It was calling to me again, daring me to jump it. I sat down and tried to think of something else. I needed to forget about the pond. But, try as I might, I just couldn’t. The urge was so strong that I rose to my feet. Nana momentarily turned away to fuss over Zara, who was holding a bunch of baby keys in her hands. Nana was rattling them and was so engrossed that she didn’t notice me slip away and walk over towards the water. Once again, I shut my eyes and took an almighty jump.

‘You bloody mare!’ I heard Nana’s voice screech from across the garden just as I hit the water.

Once again, I was right at the bottom but as I looked up all I could see was her tiny silhouette against the light above. A hand plunged in and down towards me as Nanny Linda fished me out, choking and stinking. To be honest, I don’t think her eyes left me even for a second because she was at the side of the pool as quick as a flash. Everyone knew I couldn’t be trusted near water. Everyone knew what I was like, even if they didn’t know why I did it. As I stood there dripping wet, I steeled myself for another almighty telling off so I was a little confused when I didn’t get one. Instead, Nanny Linda was kind, concerned even.

‘What are you like? Well, we better get you cleaned up before your mum sees you. Here,’ she said taking my hand, ‘Let’s pop you in the bath before she gets home.’

My shoes made a horrible squelching sound as I walked along the grass and back towards the house. Dirty green water rose and spilled over the sides of them with every step I took. I was cold but relieved that Nana wasn’t cross with me. I even caught her smiling which baffled me.

‘You’re a bloody mare, you are!’ she chuckled.

I didn’t know what the word ‘mare’ was but it stuck inside my head. For the rest of the day, I wondered what it meant. It wasn’t until I was older that I realised she’d meant I was a nightmare. She was right, I was.

‘Are you going to tell Mum?’ I asked my eyes wide with worry.

‘No,’ she replied. ‘I’m not. Now take those wet clothes off and hop in the bath.’

As I stepped into the bath I turned to face her.

‘Whatever you do, don’t tell your mum you fell in the fishpond,’ she whispered.

I shook my head. I wouldn’t tell Mum or anyone else. Lauren had seen of course, but Nana told me not to worry because she’d speak to her. She put a finger to her lips as if it was our secret.

‘I won’t tell anyone,’ she insisted.

And she didn’t. Even though I jumped the pond another five times after that day, true to her word, Nanny Linda never told a soul.