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AWARENESS

Waking Up

I've heard people say in meetings that twelve-step recovery would be so great if “they didn't mess it up with that spiritual part.” Spiritual part? I hate to break it to them, but there is no spiritual part. It's a spiritual program.

There is no way to break out the spiritual aspect of twelve-step recovery from the physical, mental, and emotional aspects, any more than there is a way to take the soul out of a person and have him or her live. We've all heard rumors of “zombies,” but they are the stuff of horror and fantasy fiction.

Granted, many come to recovery “on the outs” with spirituality. Even though they are free to form their own conception of a Higher Power, they remain suspicious. “They say Higher Power, but I know they mean GOD” is their attitude. For many who have bottomed out, it seems that God has been silent, absent, or just plain cruel. How else to explain all the things that have happened to us? How else to explain tsunamis, stillbirths, and war?

Others have no trouble believing in a Higher Power; however, they believe he / she / it is responsible for all the bad things, like “giving” you cancer or punishing you for enjoying sex by “giving” you an STD. They desire no contact with such a power. Some have had terrible, fear-inducing “religious” upbringings. They fear and hate the very notion of God. And others look at all the inconsistencies religion seems to require they believe, such as the notion that while God created the world and everyone in it, he / she / it created some people with a nature that he (or she, or it) hates. Still others have come to a comfortable understanding that they do not and will not believe in a Higher Power of any kind. They may have faith in the spirit of humanity itself or in the power of nature, but they see no higher intelligence at work and feel no need to believe in one. The idea of God just does not ping on some people's radar. Whatever the reason, many people want no part of spirituality, which is most emphatically not religion or even a Higher Power of their own understanding.

In my life, I have passed through phases—from deeply held religious beliefs that never helped me resist my addiction or the behavior that stemmed from it, through atheism (all the atheists I knew were tough and cool, and since I was weak and nerdy that seemed like a position I wanted to try on for myself), to an uncomfortable agnosticism, which is fine for some people, but to me it was finally just inauthentic and uncomfortable fence-straddling, because I inwardly longed for a connection with God. To say I was confused and had decided to have no part of spirituality when I entered recovery would be an understatement.

I was able to put aside the preconceived notions and the prejudices I had toward God or spirituality or even religion in order to “try” twelve-step recovery. Whether you are in a recovery program or not, if you are seeking spiritual connectedness, you can also put aside your preconceived notions and try to remain aware that there just might be a Higher Power, a spirit that moves in you, me, and everyone. You might begin to see that Higher Power at work in your life, as I began to do, and still do today. As my friend Rupert says, he began to realize his Higher Power was working in his life after he stopped dismissing things as “just coincidences” and began looking for his Higher Power's will for him in events and people in his life. A Higher Power doesn't have to go by the name of “God.” It may come in ways you don't expect, but it is more likely to come if you practice awareness.

Each morning at my home group, the secretary hands a copy of our basic recovery book to a member at random to select a reading, then share on it, and then pass to another member. Recently, one morning, the book was handed to me. A moment later, a very young man sat down at my table. He had nine days in recovery and was still vibrating, yet was looking for a loophole.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked as he looked at me. I admit that I was annoyed. I had been leafing through the book, looking for a passage to read aloud that would give me the opportunity to be witty, wise, and moving, and possibly even launch a laugh or two. In other words, I was searching for a reading that would make me sound good and that would make the other group members like me more. “Sure,” I said, unenthusiastically. All right, I was more than unenthusiastic; I was a touch peevish. Actually, it wouldn't be wrong to say I was condescending.

He pointed to a sentence. “This says, ‘We have recovered,’” he complained. “But people in the program say we never really recover. That's inconsistent! Which is it?” Now, my Higher Power speaks to me in many ways—through you, through other people, and sometimes through inanimate objects. When I turn on the ignition in my car and the display reads “Perform Service,” I think that's my HP talking to me, too. This time, HP spoke to me the way He sometimes does, in my head, right in back of my left ear. “Read the passage the kid is asking about” was the message I heard. So I did.

I read it, and I shared something, and then I called on another member to share, which is the way my home group runs. That member shared, and called on another, who called on another, and forty-five minutes later, as the meeting ended, the kid turned to me and smiled. “I get it,” he said, and hugged me. “Thanks.” Wow. I had watched the spirit of my Higher Power move around the room that morning like the beach ball at a Grateful Dead concert. It bounced from the secretary to me, to the kid, to each group member who shared, and then bounced right back to that young man who had nine days.

I try to remain aware of my Higher Power today, making certain assumptions, of course:

I assume He exists;

I assume He is crazy about me; and

I assume He will speak to me in many ways if I remain attentive, conscious, and aware of His presence.