Читать книгу You Can Change Other People - Howie Jacobson, Joel McDonald - Страница 9

You can't change other people; you can only change yourself. It's a truism.

Only it's not true.

I¹ know this—with 100 percent certainty—because it's my job to change other people. As an executive coach for CEOs and senior leaders in organizations of all sizes, my success depends on it.

Helping others change and improve when it's hard and when they may not want to (at first) can look and feel like magic, but it's not. It's a skill—a set of repeatable steps—that I've studied, developed, and honed over 30 years of practice. And it's teachable because I've taught it to people who have become some of the best coaches in the world.

By the time you finish this book, you'll have that skill too, which is important, because we all need the skill. No matter your role at work and in life, your success is dependent, at least in part, on the success of those around you. In many situations, it would be great for you if people changed for the better.

Just about all of the time, though, it would be better for them too: an employee who's more capable than they realize, who could be taking on bigger projects. A bright colleague who, if only they spoke up and shared their perspective, could have a positive impact on the team and, consequently, their success in the company. A boss whose visionary strategy would finally get traction if they focused more, resisting the distraction of bright, shiny objects.

For many of us, helping people change is not just a nice-to-have skill; it's a requirement. If you're a leader or manager in an organization, it's your job to change others: to transform squabbling coworkers into a capable team. To turn excuse-makers into responsibility-takers. To help high-potential contributors overcome dysfunctional habits and achieve their potential.

Changing others is perhaps the most important capability a leader can develop.

And yet it's a capability that most people lack. We avoid difficult conversations or handle them in ways that make things worse. We generate resistance rather than change. We point out how we want people to improve, but we lack the skills to get them there. We try to help and end up doing their work for them, making them dependent on us, when we should be helping them grow their independent capability. When emotions run high, we can even damage those relationships.

We feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: caring too much to keep our mouths shut, yet regretting the ineffective and hurtful things we say.

If only there were a third option.

There is. In this book, I will show you exactly why what you've been doing hasn't been working, and I will teach you what to do instead.

I'll share my process, which I call the Four Steps. I have yet to find a more elegant, kind, and effective method for helping people make the changes they want and need to make in their work and their lives.

Rather than inviting resistance, the Four Steps generate ownership. Rather than fostering dependence, they create independent capability. Rather than strain the relationship between you and the person you're helping, the Four Steps grow and deepen your relationships.

The ability to help other people change, even when they've been stuck for years, and even when they don't believe they can, is a superpower. Up until now, this superpower has been an esoteric skill set, honed and used by some of the world's most effective coaches. In this book, I'm going to deconstruct that superpower so you can practice and master it.

Using the Four Steps, I helped one CEO of a high-tech company grow revenue from $350 million to over a billion as its stock price soared from $19 to $107. At another company, the senior team began working together, helping rather than criticizing each other, and their stock price tripled in a year. When leaders skillfully help each other—and the people around them—up their game, exceptional results follow.

When I teach the Four Steps to CEOs and their leadership teams, the positive results cascade throughout the organization, generating independently capable teams that perform at much higher levels than before. People work together better and accept more accountability. People own their mistakes and failures, set and achieve higher goals, and resist the temptation of behaviors that get in the way.

Over years of doing this work, I discovered something wonderful: The C-suite leaders I work with reported that not only are they more effective at their jobs, and not only are their employees stepping up and becoming leaders in their own right, but their personal lives are easier and more satisfying as well. They stopped fighting with, and micromanaging, their kids. They had more empowering conversations with their spouses. And they found themselves helping others dig out of ruts that were sometimes decades in the making.

My coauthor, Howie, in addition to his work with business clients, also uses the Four Steps to help people change destructive lifelong habits and regain their health. While doctors acknowledge that lifestyle can be as powerful as drugs and surgery, most don't offer this option to patients in the belief that they won't comply. Yet Howie's clients change their lifestyles all the time. One became a competitive triathlete, losing sixty pounds in the process. Another reversed his type 2 diabetes and reduced his blood pressure meds by 75 percent through dietary changes, daily exercise, and meditation practice. A third finally got off the binge/diet/binge cycle, for the first time in her life maintaining a healthy weight free “from the impending doom of relapse.”

Let's banish the pain that comes from trying to change others in frustrated, angry ways—complaining, attacking, and manipulating them to get them to act differently. Those tactics cause tremendous damage. They don't feel good to anyone involved. And they don't work.

The Four Steps do work. And they heal relationships as people become allies instead of enemies, choosing skillful support over clumsy, destructive criticism.

Once you begin using the Four Steps, your world will feel lighter. You'll be happier. The people around you will be happier. You'll all get more done.

I wrote this book because that's the world I want to live in. A world where we build ownership, capability, and courage all around us. Where, rather than lashing out as annoyed critics, we reach out as allies. A world where we help raise people up to be the best they can be. And where they make us better people in return.

I'm grateful that you're taking the time to read this book. Thank you.