Читать книгу Collection of Stories - Igor Yevtishenkov - Страница 5

* A LOSING BATTLE

Julie called Bill in the morning but failed to get through. His number was busy and she was transferred to the answering machine. “The person you are calling is unavailable right now. Please try again later or leave a message after the tone,” she couldn’t listen anymore and cut off. “Who are you calling?” asked her classmate, Kate. “Bill. He isn’t answering.” she said angrily. “Oh, I see’, the girl sympathized with her. “They are having football training now. Tomorrow they are playing against another school. He invited Claudia to watch them train. So he’s busy with other things. Don’t worry about it. It’s a losing battle to reach him now’.

* A LOCAL CALL

An old Russian immigrant, feeling he didn’t have long for this world, decided to visit his homeland one last time and stay with a distant cousin living just outside Moscow. Together, they drank whiskey & vodka and joked about the good old days.

The old American boasted to his cousin that he could call anywhere he liked from America, even Hell if he so pleased. His cousin replied that this could even be done in Russia, so gave him a telephone. The old American looked the number up in his diary and dialed it. Soon, the call was answered:

Operator: ‘Hello….This is Hell….How can I help you?”

Old American: “Is that the operator? No? Cerberus? I can’t hear very well – there’s barking on the line. Can you speak up? What company is this? No matter – put me through to the chief, please. Tell him it’s Jimmy from the USA calling!”

Operator: “Please, hold on and I’ll put you through… (waiting) I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, but I’m afraid, Mr. Satan is very busy at the moment. However, we can see that you’re going to visit us soon, so would you like to make a reservation? We can put you up directly on your way to purgatory…”

Old American: “No thanks, not this time – not quite ready yet. Tell Mr. Satan I’ll call him back later on. Goodbye!”

The old man hung up the phone and turned to his cousin: “You know, last time this call didn’t work from my house in Iowa. The line was breaking up and I seemed to be hanging on for ages, so I cut the call off. This time the connection was great with no delays – fantastic!”

Next morning, a postman delivered the phone bill. The old American opened it and was once again surprised.

Old American: “Is this right? The charges are ten times less than I had in the USA. This is way too cheap.”

His Cousin (grinning): “Yes, but in the USA it’s long-distance… from Russia it’s just a local call!”

* A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

Julie couldn’t get through to Bill all day and was very upset. She didn’t want to talk to her classmates and went home alone. Her mother was cooking an apple pie in the kitchen and was chatting with a friend of hers on the phone. When she hung up, she smiled at Julie and said, “A penny for your thoughts, honey. You look sad. What’s happened?” Julie didn’t say anything and just went upstairs to her room. She had no thoughts, nothing but disappointment and bitter resentment.

* I CAN’T GET THROUGH

Jim (listening to long beeps in the receiver): – Hey, Tom, pick up the phone! Where are you, goddamn it?!

Tom (cheerily): – Hello! Hello?.. Who’s calling?

Jim: – Tom, it’s me, Jim! Can you hear me?

Tom: – Who? Jane? Sorry, you are breaking up.

Jim: – No, not Jane! Tom, it’s me, Jim! I’ve been calling you for the whole morning. You aren’t picking up the phone. You mother said this was your number.

Tom: – Ah, Jimmy. It’s you! I’m in the shopping center with Mary now. It’s crowded. Speak up, please!

Jim: – Hey, I couldn’t get through to you yesterday. A girl picked up the phone, wrong number and I pissed her off dialing ten times or so. She eventually cut me off and switched off the phone.

Tom: – What number did you dial?

Jim: – It’s 8852476391. It’s in my diary. Is it wrong?

Tom: – Yes, it is. Mine is 8852176394. Mother mixed up 4 and 1.

Jim: – Lucky me, Julie had Mary’s number.

Tom: – Great! Sorry, hold on, please! Mary is calling me asking to have a look at her. She’s trying on a new dress. I’ll be back in a flash!

Jim: – Don’t hang up on me! I’m waiting…

Tom: – OK, I’m back. Sorry to have kept you waiting. OK, what’s up?

Jim: – There is a problem with our holiday. I can’t get through to Jane. She had to phone around to find a cheap hotel. I left a message on her answering machine but she didn’t get back to me.

Tom: – Did you call her office?

Jim: – The operator in the office put me through to her but I got cut off. Can you believe it? We are leaving early tomorrow morning and I don’t know whether she’s booked a hotel or not. The operator later said Jane had called in to say she was taking a day off.

Tom: – OK, calm down! Don’t worry, we’ll come up with something. I have a friend in Luton. I’ll call him and ask to put us up for a day until we find out what’s going on. Keep in touch! See you and Julie tomorrow at the railway station! Don’t be late.