Читать книгу Destined to Fly - Indigo Bloome - Страница 12

I curl into Jeremy’s warmth, unable to think or move as he wraps his arms around me. His body feels wonderful against my skin, as does the sun shining down on us from above. How does he do this to me? He sends me to a place I never knew existed before him, or maybe it’s a place that only exists between us, though I doubt that. It’s as if we’re at one with the gods, with the universe, where there is no beginning or end, no pain, no guilt, just complete freedom. Our lovemaking is intense; it overwhelms me and lingers with me long after the actual event. Our bodies combine in the sheer joy and pleasure of each other. It’s as if I’m a magnet unable to prevent myself from being drawn into his sphere. He becomes my world, both physically and metaphorically and overtakes my being. Just when I think I can’t take any more, he takes me further and higher. I know that any energy I have to fight the man I love, to go against his wishes and his will, is fading fast, particularly as I want what he wants for me. I know he can’t bear to lose me just as I couldn’t bear to lose him, which is what makes this so difficult. Our love is literally tearing us in different directions.

I know that his actions, even more than his words, are screaming at me to listen to him, to acknowledge his love and commitment to me. It’s becoming impossible to fight and it’s a fight I don’t want to have in the first place. I don’t want to return to Xsade, not one part of me wants to engage with that woman ever again. Though my heart knows I must because it has a direct connection to my children.

It’s unfair to expect Jeremy to understand that; it’s impossible until you become a parent. I’ve never known a love like it. But his love for me is so strong I feel like I’m bound to him in invisible chains. Chains I couldn’t bear for him to unlock, chains that are wrapped so tightly around me I don’t think my heart would continue to beat without them.

And now this. Ensuring I stay open to him, taking me on his wave of desire and not letting me off until I’m at one with the serenity he has created. It’s this peace, this silent pulsing energy that completes me, heals me from within. I’ve never been able to achieve that state unless he leads me there. It’s only when I truly surrender to him, his desire, his love, that I can reach such unity and perfection. I’m floating, I’m drained, I’m desperately in love and dreadfully scared of the consequences for my loved ones if I accept his hand and embark on a different path.

I let my mind remember simpler days, easier times when he wasn’t part of my life. Like the family’s favourite place in the Huon Valley, watching platypus frolic in the stream after the kayaks had been laid to rest, and the kids riding Rusty the pig and milking Honey the cow, the milk to be turned into scrumptious soft Brie over time. Sitting by the campfire with fresh, steaming hot damper, singing and dancing to folk songs from the past as the sun sank behind the lush green hills of the valley’s fertile lands. Or skinny dipping in the perfect water rolling into Wineglass Bay at Freycinet Peninsula, its saltiness tantalising our skin and its freshness awakening our senses long after the hiking tourists have disappeared. The shining sun lengthening summer days and squeezing the darkness of night into its shortest hours of the year. Such abundant, natural beauty surrounding me, wrapping around my body and restoring my vital essence, but even then, in the midst of all of that, I still knew deep down something was missing, that there was a hole in my soul that yearned to be filled.

It dawns on me how much I long for the peace and solitude nature provides me, how much I have missed this sense of tranquillity. The recent events of my life have been hurling me into the unknown, epitomised by my time at Xsade’s laboratory, so artificial, so contrived. I feel as though I’ve lost touch with the core of my human nature. Fear trembles through my body at the thought of re-entering that soulless environment in the next week.

‘Alexa, are you back? Are you okay?’ I feel his soft lips whisper against my ear and my groin responds instantly, as if his voice is invisibly connected to my inner sex. You’d think it had been neglected for years instead of minutes.

‘No. Not quite, still far away.’ I feel him snuggle my body tighter into our spooned position on the sun lounge.

‘Don’t leave me, J. I need you as much as life itself.’

‘As I need you, sweetheart.’

It would be so much easier if I could just promise him the same thing in return. The truth is his words fill me with both comfort and fear.

Whether it’s the alcohol, our lovemaking on the rooftop, or not being responsible for children for a few hours — perhaps all three — it feels really nice knowing my emotions are comfortably numb for the first time in a long time.

Robert, Adam and the kids eventually come home and I’m finally in a better state to interact with them normally, rather than as a crumpled heap on the floor. We still haven’t worked out any details regarding our short-term plans and none of us want to discuss anything until the kids are in bed. They appear to have adjusted incredibly well to having the four of us around and shriek with delight and responses of ‘awesome’ and ‘that’s so cool’ when Robert informs them everyone will be staying a night or two, and it’s no wonder — they have discovered they will be sleeping in Adam’s dedicated games and movie room where they’ve been given permission to play until they fall asleep. Oh well, I did give Robert responsibility for the next twenty-fours hours so I’m not really in a position to disagree. I hug each of them, pleased to see their smiley faces before they excitedly disappear into their room.

They bought pizzas home for us and Adam opens a crisp Viognier from the Napa Valley. Our chatter flickers easily around the mosaic-mirrored dining table as they share stories with us from their time together in London, ensuring the conversation doesn’t focus on anything to do with my recent experience and I can’t help feeling both engaged with the banter but also dissociated from its flow. My husband, my lover and my husband’s lover sitting around the table catching up like old friends. It seems so ill-conceived yet feels so right.

Adam amps up the volume of some pumping tunes and I feel the overwhelming need to dance. It’s as if this place is designed specifically for parties. I finish yet another glass of wine and throw my arms around Jeremy.

‘Dance with me?’

He smiles his cheeky smile and cups my face in his palms. ‘How could I not? It’s so great to see you relax.’

He teases a kiss across my lips and I feel weak at the knees, just as I did years ago at university, and I’m thankful he’s holding me tight. My body melts and gravitates toward this man as though he is directly descended from Eros. God, he is smouldering and I regret asking for a dance instead of a quick trip to our bedroom or the rooftop again … Would that be weird, I wonder, in front of Robert? Perhaps not.

‘I just need to return a phone call and I’ll be right with you,’ Jeremy says.

Adam immediately swoops over and takes my hand, distracting me from my delicious thoughts about how I could play with Jeremy’s body.

‘I’ll dance with you, gorgeous girl. Let’s go poolside, the speakers are on out there.’

I glance questioningly at Jeremy. He used to call me GG, or Gorgeous Girl, in our younger years, so how did Adam know to use that moniker? His hands fly up in mock protest. ‘What? I’ve said nothing, just a lucky guess I assume, but it’s the truth after all.’ Jeremy winks and slaps my butt. ‘Go dance with Adam, I’ll be out in a sec.’ My eyes follow his triangular torso as he walks away from me while Adam drags me in the opposite direction.

The night is warm and clear, a half moon sharing the sky with a few stars, as we boogie. And we boogie hard. It feels great to dance, to release my pent-up energy and stress. The music pounds in my ears and the world whooshes around me as Adam, who is proving to be an exceptionally skilled dancer, flips and turns and spins me in multiple directions. Luckily I’ve had quite a few drinks by now so I confidently assume I must look equally proficient given his strong lead. It’s exhilarating.

He leaves for a moment to refresh our drinks and I keep dancing, the music enabling me to fly away from the dramas, to remove myself from reality. My hands are in the air like I just don’t care, dancing and pounding, my feet bare, grooving and moving like there is no tomorrow — until I turn around and notice four male figures watching me intently from inside the glass doors. This distracts my excellent rhythm to such an extent that I stumble over my feet, lose my sense of balance and fall inelegantly, splashing into the pool. How absolutely embarrassing!

Grateful I still have my bikini on underneath my now see-through short summer dress, the men appear poolside, with Jeremy and Robert offering me their outstretched arms to haul me from the water, trying to restrain their chuckles.

‘Not a word,’ I lightly threaten them, as they attempt to hide their smirks. Adam hands me a towel. ‘Thanks.’

Standing slightly back from the others is the fourth man who I don’t recognise but who I intuitively know is the reason I lost my balance. He steps forward.

‘Well, hello, you must be Alexandra. I’m Leo.’ He holds out his hand toward me. I cannot believe I am meeting Leo for the first time like this.

‘Oh, Leo, great. Hi. I’m sorry, um … I’m wet.’ I quickly wipe my hand against the towel so I can shake his hand and see the twinkle of amusement in his azure eyes.

‘I see that. You are also quite a dancer.’ Oh, dear lord, how long had they been watching? Visions of me thinking I looked like a disco goddess quickly vanish and are quickly replaced by the reality of a tipsy mother in her mid-thirties, with two left feet, falling into the damn pool. Okay, now would be a good time for the ground to swallow me up or for me to jump back in the water and stay under with my eyes closed until the men disappear. Typical! Of all the times I could have met Leo looking sleek, confident and relaxed, instead I’m sodden, see-through and in a bikini, my wet hair slathered against my face and body and completely flustered.

‘Just … please … I just need a moment to, you know … sorry. I’ll be back …’ I quickly excuse myself and run into the bedroom to catch my breath and pull myself together.

Leo is here, right now, after all these years. Jeremy’s hero, his mentor. The person who helped him out of the emotional hole he went into when his brother Michael committed suicide and when none of his family and friends could reach him, me included. I’m in awe of this unknown man, even possibly a little jealous of him for being able to achieve what I could not, though grateful nonetheless. But we were so young, I was so young.

I can’t imagine how Jeremy — so strong, so alpha male — will behave with someone he admires so much, when he is the one who is used to being in control. Suddenly this piques my interest, my first and maybe only opportunity to see these two men interact with each other, two men who have had such a profound effect on each other’s lives. Fascination begins to compete with my mortification at my poolside performance. Of all the times …

‘Sweetheart, are you lost in there?’ Jeremy lightly taps on the door before entering the room.

‘That couldn’t have been more embarrassing, J. You could have warned me he was about to arrive.’ I can still sense the amusement beneath the mask he is trying to maintain for my benefit.

‘You were in the moment, AB, letting yourself go, just as you did when you sang and played guitar on our last rooftop together.’ His arms snake around my middle. ‘There must be something about you and rooftops, something seductive and delicious.’ His lips nip my neck. ‘I need to remember that … I’d never interrupt you when you’re in that space. It’s when you are at your most beautiful.’

‘Nice words to hear, but not helpful right at this moment. Leo! After many years of hearing about him and this is how I meet him.’ I indicate my state so he doesn’t miss my point.

‘He doesn’t care, you care. Come on, let me help. I want you back out there sooner rather than later.’

I slide my arms around his torso and kiss his chest. ‘If you help me get dressed, I may never get back out there.’

He guides my meandering hands away from the zip of his cargo pants.

‘You’re incorrigible and still a little tipsy, I see, even after your dunking.’ He pulls the wet dress over my head and begins to dry my body with the towel. A few seconds later, a dry dress is whipped over my head.

‘Jeez, you are moving so fast it’s making me dizzy,’ I complain.

He towel-dries my hair before looking for a brush. ‘You need to meet him properly. He has come back specifically for us.’

Suddenly I feel dread in the pit of my stomach. For us? ‘What do you mean, for us?’

I sit on the edge of the bed as he gently but quickly brushes my hair, something I’d usually enjoy under different circumstances.

‘So we can consider all the options.’

Clearly my time of being free from reality has come to an abrupt end.

‘Okay, you look fine.’ He grabs my hand and pulls me off the bed.

‘Jeremy, what are you planning?’ I sense he is up to something.

‘We’re just talking, Alexa. Now that everyone is here we can work this through.’ He looks directly into my eyes, his hands cupping my face, ensuring I meet his gaze. ‘You know how important Leo is to me, Alexa. Please don’t let me down.’

Talk about playing his trump card! What do I say to that? He plants his arm firmly around my waist and steers my reluctant body out the door. There is only one feeling you have when you are in a position such as this.