Читать книгу Child of Her Heart - Irene Brand - Страница 9

By the time Adam Benson rang her doorbell, Sonya shook like a woman with the palsy. Her throat was dry, and when she opened the door she seized the man’s arm.

“I’m Adam Benson, and this is my wife, Marie.” His brown eyes gleamed with compassion, and he murmured, “My dear, trust us.”

Marie Benson put an arm around Sonya and led her to the couch.

Adam said to his wife, “Make some tea, and see if you can find something for her to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Sonya murmured between stiff lips. Marie disappeared in the direction of the kitchen, and Sonya heard her opening cabinet doors as if she were at home.

“I almost did a terrible thing,” Sonya confided to Adam. “When the telephone rang, I was standing on the window ledge ready to jump to my death. How did you know I needed help at that exact moment?”

“You’ve been on my mind since Daniel suggested you needed some counseling. This evening when I was praying, I felt an overwhelming urge to telephone you. Daniel has also been praying for you.”

“I can’t believe I’d do such a thing. It was almost as if I were in a trance. I knew what was going on, but I seemed to be standing outside my body watching the whole thing.”

“It’s quite common for a person who’s been driven to the depths of despair to have suicidal tendencies.”

Marie returned with a pot of tea and some sandwiches, and the aroma of the tea nauseated Sonya. She clutched her stomach.

“I can’t eat anything,” she insisted.

“But you must eat, Sonya, and especially drink the tea. Adam and I will eat with you. We didn’t take time for dinner.”

“I’ve not eaten much for several weeks. My stomach feels as if it’s been tied in knots. I hate to eat alone.”

Marie sat beside Sonya and patted her hand. “Try to relax. You don’t have to bear your burden alone anymore. We’re here to help you.”

The Bensons were middle-aged. Adam was a short, slender man, who wore brown-rimmed glasses. His wife tended to plumpness, and she had dark hair sprinkled with gray. Her gray eyes glistened with warmth and friendliness; her voice was soft and cheerful.

Nibbling on sandwiches, the Bensons talked to each other, discussing ordinary happenings around Omaha—the ball games and the fall and winter concerts planned by the fine arts department at the university. Sonya occasionally added a comment to their upbeat words. They didn’t refer to her problem, and to her surprise, in a short while she realized that she had eaten a whole sandwich and her tea was gone. She poured another cup of tea and settled back on the sofa feeling better than she had for a month.

When the food was gone, Adam said, “Sonya, we’re here to help you, not interfere in your affairs. If you want to tell us about your situation, we’re ready to listen.”

“What did Mr. Massie tell you?”

“Only that you had some problems, and that you might contact me.”

“My husband has left me,” and, having had the courage to admit that, Sonya launched into the experiences of the past months. She talked for more than an hour, often breaking into sobs and occasionally walking around the room twisting her hands. Marie finally pulled her gently to the sofa and sat holding Sonya’s hands tightly as she talked. When she faltered, Adam asked a brief question to encourage her to continue.

“What worries me,” Sonya said as she finished, “is what did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? I’ve tried to be a good wife. I’ve been faithful to my husband. Why did this happen to me?”

“I know this is small comfort to you,” Adam said, “but there are thousands of young women in this country who have suffered a similar fate. And I don’t think you have done anything wrong. Your husband is obviously a selfish man without any consideration for others.”

“That isn’t true!” Sonya hurried to defend him. “He’s always been considerate of me until this incident. It’s out of character for him to behave like this.”

“Then let’s just say that your husband has a problem. A man who walks out on his responsibilities should seek help himself.”

“I doubt he would see it that way,” Sonya said, realizing that her two statements about Bryon were inconsistent. “But I have been wondering if there is something in Bryon’s past that I don’t know about, some incident that would cause him to resent my bearing a child. I can hardly believe it, for his family seems well adjusted and live a normal life-style, and they are prosperous. I feel sure that he wouldn’t see any need for change in himself.”

“Then if he won’t seek counseling, either jointly or alone, all we can do is work with your situation. You must believe that you’re going to surmount all these difficulties and come out of this a stronger woman than you’ve been before.”

“I don’t see how I can make it.” Sonya shook her head. “I’ve looked for a job with no luck. I must move out of this apartment soon, and my money is dwindling rapidly.”

“Please believe me—you’re going to make it all right. Tomorrow, we’ll discuss plans for your future. Our immediate problem is to bring you safely through the night”

“I’ll stay with her,” Marie said.

“Oh, I couldn’t let you do that. I’ll be all right.”

“It’s quite likely you will have other despairing moments as you struggle to deny what has happened. If you won’t allow Marie to stay, then I’ll give you two telephone numbers. There are counselors at these phones around-the-clock ready to listen, and whenever you feel that life is more than you can handle, telephone them. They’ll listen or give advice, whichever you need most.”

“But my telephone service will be discontinued tomorrow!”

“Sometimes it takes a few days for the telephone company to follow through on those orders. We’ll trust that will be the case in this instance.”

Before they left, Marie handed Sonya a small book, entitled, No Easy Way Out.

“Please read this book,” Adam said. “It’s the story of a young woman in this town who went through a difficult marriage. She thought she was taking the easy way out, but the woman who wrote the pamphlet believes healing comes through facing one’s problems.” He took Sonya’s hand. “How is your relationship with God, Sonya? I feel I must ask that.”

“My parents started taking me to church when I was a tiny girl, and Bryon and I go to church occasionally. I do believe in God.”

“How long since you’ve read your Bible?”

Sonya dropped her head. “Not since I’ve been married.”

“Then I would suggest that you read it. God can help you, but you need to reach out to Him.”

Desperation surged over Sonya again when the door closed behind the Bensons. She looked out the window and then checked to be sure the latch was securely closed. She pushed several chairs in front of the window to deter her if she tried to climb out again. The street lamps radiated brightness, and blurred streaks of automobile headlights pierced the darkness. Sonya shuddered when she thought of where she might be now if the Bensons and Daniel Massie hadn’t been concerned.

She looked at the two numbers Benson had given her. Would there be someone to listen if she telephoned? She dialed one of them, and a pleasant voice answered, “We Care. May I help you?”

Sonya laughed nervously. “I only wanted to know you were there in case I do need you. Adam Benson told me to call when I have a problem.”

“Someone will be here all of the time,” the woman assured her. “When you feel a problem coming on, telephone. We’ll listen.”

Sonya ran the sweeper, dusted the furniture and did a load of laundry. Still not sleepy, she picked up the pamphlet Marie had given her. She started reading the story of Alice Simmons.

She tried to remember where she had heard that name, but couldn’t quite recall. Then she remembered, she’d heard the woman’s name on the news some months ago. Alice Simmons was related to someone well known in the city—Sonya didn’t remember who.

She did remember that Alice’s death by her own hand had attracted a great deal of attention in the local news. Alice had married a hardened criminal without any knowledge of his illegal activities. She had suffered abuse of all kinds, and had finally left the man to live with her grandmother. Her husband had continued to harass her, and unable to get rid of him, she had finally committed suicide. Sonya could see her own situation in that of Alice, and again she longed for the release that death would bring.

But the pamphlet continued, “There’s no easy way out. Trust God with your problems. Deal with them head-on, rather than ignore them.”

These words spoke to Sonya’s immediate need, for she had been feeling guilty that she had actually planned to take her life. She couldn’t imagine why she would be tempted to do such a thing, but in light of Alice’s experience, her action must be a normal response to what she had been through.

During Adam’s counseling, he had told her to remember, “When your burden seems the worst, a way out will be provided.” She repeated the words over and over, and she went to bed, clutching the paper Adam had given her. She dreaded to turn out the light, but she went to sleep right away. Suddenly she awakened overwhelmed with heaviness and despair.

God can’t help me. Adam Benson can’t help me. Nobody can help me. I’ll do what Alice Simmons did. Surely I can be as brave as she was.

Sonya slid out of bed and headed for the window, but she became conscious of the slip of paper in her hand. Her shaking fingers reached for the telephone, and she dialed the number for We Care, fearing no one would answer.

“We Care. May I help you?”

“Yes, please. I’m considering taking my own life.”

The woman’s voice at the other end of the line spoke soothingly, “Tell me what’s bothering you, ma’am.”

At the end of a half hour, Sonya terminated the conversation feeling relaxed, although the woman hadn’t said much. She had simply let Sonya talk, but that had been comforting. Remembering the woman’s last words from the Bible, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning,” Sonya went to sleep again.

Once more during the night, she awakened, shaking violently. She dialed the number. A man answered and, speaking calmly, he discussed the good things in life, ending with, “Why don’t you try remembering all the pleasant times you’ve enjoyed through the years. Usually they outweigh the bad days.”

After considerable effort, Sonya blocked out the past two years and thought of her childhood on the farm. She envisioned fields of growing corn, ripening wheat and the scent of new-mown hay. She eventually went to sleep, to be awakened by the ringing telephone. The sun shone brightly through her windows.

She reached for the phone receiver. “Good morning, Sonya. This is Marie Benson. How do you feel?”

“Tired, but safe, thanks to you and your friends.”

“Adam and I want to talk with you again. When will it be convenient for you?”

“As soon as I shower and have breakfast. Do you know, I actually feel hungry this morning?”

“Great! That’s a good sign. You’ve started on the road to recovery.”

The warm shower took away some of Sonya’s weariness, but when she started to dry her hair, the dryer wouldn’t work. She tried the light switch—no power. So Bryon hadn’t been fooling—he’d had the power company disconnect the electricity. No doubt the telephone would go next. Fortunately the water was provided as part of their rent, so she wouldn’t be completely without utilities until she could find some other place to live.

Without electricity, she had to be satisfied with a glass of milk and untoasted bread for breakfast, but though she had felt hungry, she threw most of the bread in the garbage. Her obstetrician had given specific instructions about her diet, and she knew she must be more careful, but not this morning. She made an effort to greet the Bensons with cheerfulness, but after she reviewed her tense night, Adam said, “You probably still aren’t out of the woods as far as despair is concerned, but you know how to handle it now. Let’s deal with your immediate problems. As I see it you have several options, and if we had more time, we could make long-range plans, but it’s obvious you’ll have to make a change in living arrangements right away.”

“What options do you suggest?” A sense of frustration threatened to overpower her again. If it were only herself, she could live anywhere, but she had to have a place for her baby.

“You can go to your parents and stay until after the birth of your child. Surely they would take you in.”

“I know they would, and they’ll be furious when they find out I haven’t come to them, but when I disregarded their wishes by marrying before I finished college, I don’t think they should be burdened with my mistake. My dad said if I was burned, I’d have to suffer with the blister by myself.”

“I doubt he meant that,” Adam said with a smile. “I have three children, and I know how your parents will feel. Besides, it will be a burden to them whether or not you go home.”

“It may come to that, but not until I’ve exhausted every other possibility.”

“You can go on welfare. The agency will provide you with food and shelter, as well as a health card to take care of your medical expenses.”

Sonya shook her head. “Why should the taxpayers be burdened with my mistake?”

“Then your only other option is to take legal action immediately, to force your husband to support you until after the child is born. You might feel it isn’t a problem your parents or the public should share, but you can certainly realize that he has an obligation.”

“But I want him to come back to me. If I force his hand that way, he’ll be angrier than ever.”

Adam smiled. “Since you don’t like any of my suggestions, what do you want to do, Sonya?”

“I want my husband to come home. I want him to love our child as much as I intend to.”

“I don’t mean to be cruel, but the likelihood of that happening is slim. And if he should return, I doubt it will be in the immediate future. He’ll run the gamut of willfulness before he’ll return to you.”

“Then if that won’t happen, I’ll find a job to support my baby and make a home for us,” Sonya replied firmly. “I want to be independent.”

“If that’s your desire, we’ll do what we can to help you. It’s going to be difficult for you to get much of a job until after your child is delivered, but perhaps we can find something to tide you over until then.” Lines of perplexity creased his face as he considered her problem.

It amazed Sonya that this couple—these strangers—were so genuinely concerned about her welfare. She had never seen them until yesterday, but now they were making her future their greatest priority. Was it the depth of their spiritual faith that fostered this concern? If so, it was certainly a level of spirituality she would hope to attain.

“What about the opening at our school, Adam? She wouldn’t need any special training for that,” Marie said.

A smile lit Adam’s brown eyes. “A good idea, dear.” Turning to Sonya, he said, “We operate a day school in our church building—nursery through the sixth grade. Just yesterday, one of the aides in the nursery class resigned. You would fit in nicely, but the salary is low. I’m not sure it will support you and allow you to accumulate enough for your medical bills.”

With hope dawning in her heart, Sonya said, “I’d like to try it. I’ll be frugal.”

Adam looked around the lavishly furnished apartment and said, “Sonya, it’s a trait you’ll have to learn, since you haven’t been living that way.”

“I didn’t live this way before I was married. My parents reared a family of four on an Ohio farm, and we didn’t have many luxuries. I’ll admit it will be hard, though, because I’ve learned to like this way of life.”

“There’s an apartment complex near the church, subsidized by the government to provide housing for lowincome people. They base your rent on what you can afford to pay. We’ll take you there to see if they have any vacant apartments.”

“You could walk across the street to work, so there wouldn’t be any travel expense,” Marie added.

“I’ll not put you to all that trouble. I have a car and can drive there. I don’t know how much longer I can afford to operate the vehicle, but at least it’s paid for.”

The Bensons overrode her objections and took her in their car to the Washburn Complex in a newly developed area on the west side of Omaha. They pointed out their church, the Community Lighthouse, a shingled building of modern architectural design. The four-story apartment complex faced the church.

The manager of the apartments said they did have some space available in single apartments and two-bedroom units.

“It will have to be the single apartment,” Sonya told her. “I can’t afford anything else.”

But she was hardly prepared for the small area she was shown. The living, dining, and kitchen space was about the size of her bedroom in the apartment she’d shared with Bryon. A small bathroom contained a shower, but no tub. The apartment was unfurnished, except for a refrigerator and stove.

“If you can’t provide your own furniture, we can supply it for you,” the manager said. “We have a sofa that can be made into a bed at night, a small table for the kitchen and a few other items available. We can fit up the room nicely.”

“I’ll appreciate having you do that,” Sonya said, knowing that none of her massive furniture would fit into the tiny space. Some of the enthusiasm that had been generated by the Bensons’ help faded, and she wondered why Bryon would sentence her to living in such a humble place.

Sonya made arrangements to move in the next day, the last day the rent was paid at the Sandhill Apartments. There was no need for delay. Leta had already agreed to buy their furniture, and without a telephone or electricity, the place wouldn’t be livable. She couldn’t take advantage of Leta’s friendship and live at her expense.

Before the Bensons left her at the Sandhill Apartments, Adam said, “We’ll check on you tomorrow night, and you can plan to start working on Monday morning. Will you need any help moving?”

“No, I can load everything in my car and make more than one trip if necessary. I can’t express my appreciation.”

Sonya’s throat was dry, but her eyes watered. Bitterness filled her heart, and she wanted to rail at somebody. But not the Bensons—they had done the best they could.

“Don’t try—just pass along some kindness to others who need it,” Marie said with a smile.

As she walked upstairs, Sonya marveled that it had been easier to take help from strangers than from her own parents. Perhaps it was because they had not stood in judgment of her and had seemed so willing to help. Could their obvious submission to following God’s will account for their generous spirits?

Leta protested Sonya’s sudden move. “I think it’s a mistake, but do what you think you must. If I was in your place, Mr. Bryon Dixon would have been forced to pay for your lodging and expenses in this apartment for a reasonable amount of time. You see how I’m living, don’t you?”

“But you were glad to get rid of your husbands! I want to keep mine, although I admit I might be foolish to feel that way.”

“You won’t keep him by kowtowing to him. He’ll show you more respect if you speak up for your own rights.”

In spite of Sonya’s protests, Leta helped her pack and went with her on the first trip to the apartment. When she saw the small room, Leta exploded, “This is quite a comedown. It isn’t right for you to live in such a place! You can’t possibly be comfortable here.”

“I can’t help it, Leta. It will take half of the salary I make at the school to even pay the rent on this apartment, and how I can eat and save any money for doctor’s bills, I don’t know. I’ll just have to make do.” But in spite of her brave words, thoughts of the future terrified her.

The closet was too small to hold even Sonya’s winter clothing, and they left her summer garments in boxes and stacked them in the corner. Sonya had made an effort to hold back her tears, but both she and Leta were crying before they finished unloading the car.

“Look on the bright side. At least I won’t have to buy any clothing—I have enough to last me for years.”

“Oh, yeah,” Leta retorted. “Have you given any thought to how your body is going to expand? You won’t be able to wear any of these clothes much longer. Please, Sonya, go to Daniel Massie and have him contact Bryon. It isn’t right for him to go scot-free while you’re so hard up.”

But Sonya shook her head and bit her lips to keep them from trembling. “All I have to bring now are my kitchen supplies and a few knickknacks. Let’s go.”

Sonya thought she had cried until there couldn’t possibly be any more tears left, but before she left the apartment for the last time, sobbing constantly, she looked at each item, caressing them lovingly. She and Bryon had such fun picking out their furniture. She stood a long time in their bedroom, thinking of their more personal moments. Had she failed him? What was wrong with her? If she could only get past the feeling that she was at fault, she might be able to accept it. How could she have prevented his leaving?

When she locked the door, she dropped the keys through Leta’s mail slot. She absolutely couldn’t talk to anyone else today.

Sonya placed a few vases and pictures in the new apartment. Even with these possessions around her, the room seemed alien. She ate a light supper, and then started her hardest task. She had to notify her parents. What if they tried to telephone and learned the number was no longer in service? She had caused them enough trouble, and she couldn’t let them have that worry.

Since there wasn’t any desk, she sat at the small dining table to write.

Dear Mother and Dad,

Bryon left me about a month ago. He’s living in California and has no intention of coming back to me. I moved today to the address on the envelope. I do not have a telephone here. I’m starting to work Monday as an aide at a nursery school in a nearby church. Please do not worry about me. I’ll be all right

Sonya.

Adam and Marie Benson came by to check on her, but they had to call at a funeral home, so Sonya had a long evening before her. She watched the small black and white television she and Bryon had used in the kitchen, but the problems of other people soon palled.

It was still too early to retire, but she decided to see if she could unfold the couch into a bed. Considering her other luck lately, Sonya was surprised that it opened so easily. The bed was comfortable enough, but she knew it would be aggravating to fold and unfold it every day.

When she finally turned off the light, well after midnight, Sonya wished for the comfort of the We Care persons, but without a telephone, she couldn’t contact them. No, she was on her own now—either to succeed or fail. But I’m not on my own, and the thought brought her upright in bed. She pushed the light switch and rushed over to the luggage piled in the corner. When she was packing, she had unearthed her Bible. Adam Benson had said the answers were there, if only she could find them. When she found the white Bible her parents had given them for a wedding present, Sonya turned it over in her hand as if it was some foreign object.

“God,” she whispered, “I feel awful, neglecting you all these years and then turning to you when I’m in trouble. But truly, God, I have no place else to turn. Was it necessary for me to be brought this low so that I’d realize how I was straying from my childhood faith? If so, help me now. Direct me to some words that will give me peace of mind and help me through this night and the difficult days ahead.”

Sonya had no doubt that God heard her prayer, and she opened the Bible to the book of Psalms. After she turned several pages, Sonya read words she didn’t even remember were in the Bible. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” And m Psalm 94, she read of David’s struggle when violent men would have overcome him, and she committed to memory the words, “Unless the Lord had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. When I said, my foot slippeth, thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.”

Sonya kept repeating those words in her mind when she returned to bed, and when worries about the future threatened to intrude into her thoughts, she gritted her teeth and whispered, “When I said, my foot slippeth, thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.”