Читать книгу Never Say Goodbye - Irene Hannon, Irene Hannon - Страница 9

“Scott? Is everything all right?”

Scott smiled as his sister’s voice came over the line. “Everything’s fine. It just took me a couple of days to get settled.”

“I can’t believe Joe got appendicitis the day before you got out! We wanted to pick you up and help you get settled,” she fretted. “Do you have a place to stay? Are you eating?”

His smile deepened. Karen had always been a mother hen, even more so since their own mother had died five years before. And her mothering instincts had intensified since he’d been in prison—for which he was deeply grateful. Other than Reverend Young, she’d been his lifeline, his only contact with the outside world for three long years. He would never forget her steadfast support and her willingness to stand by him despite the tragic mistakes he’d made—nor her long monthly trek to visit him. “Yes to both. How’s Joe?”

“He’ll live. It’s you I’ve been worrying about. Why didn’t you call sooner?”

“I did call. Almost as soon as I walked out the gates.”

“But that was three days ago!”

“I’ve been busy ever since. I had to look at the apartments Reverend Young lined up, and I had an interview at the nursery today.”

“Did you get the job?”

“Yes. It was the strangest interview I’ve ever had, but I have a feeling things will work out fine.”

“Good. I know you were counting on that job.” There was a slight pause, and when she spoke again he could hear the frown in her voice. “Listen, where are you?”

“In my apartment.”

“So you have a phone. Give me the number.” Scott complied, then Karen read it back to confirm. “Okay. I’m hanging up and calling you right back,” she said briskly. “You can’t afford this call.”

“Karen, I’m fine. You don’t have to—”

“I’m hanging up. Bye.”

The line went dead and Scott shook his head, smiling with equal parts affection and exasperation. As a stay-at-home mom with three boys, Karen wasn’t exactly rolling in dough, either. But when she got a notion in her head, there was no stopping her.

A moment later the phone rang and Scott reached for it. “That wasn’t necessary, you know.”

“Listen, big brother, do me a favor, okay? Let people help you if they want to. I just wish you’d come up here for a few weeks, like I asked you to.”

“I appreciate the offer, Karen. I really do. But I need to get back into the real world sooner or later. It might as well be sooner.”

He could hear her sigh of frustration over the wire. “Look, Scott, you could use a break. You deserve it. I was there, remember? I saw you the first Friday of every month. You lost forty pounds in six months. You looked like death. I worried about you night and day. You never talked about life in there, but I know it was hell. I know how close you came to…giving up.” She took a deep breath, and when she resumed speaking, there was a tremor in her voice. “Dear God, my heart bled for you every time I walked out the door and had to leave you behind. Do you know where I went when I left, after my first five or six visits? To the ladies’ room to throw up. I just couldn’t bear that you were in that place, and that I couldn’t do anything to help you.”

Her voice broke, and Scott felt as if someone had kicked him in the gut. Karen had never before even hinted at the emotional toll her visits had taken. Just the opposite. She’d always been upbeat and chatty, working hard to cheer him up by telling him humorous anecdotes about the family, passing on drawings the boys had done for him, sharing photos of the birthday parties and Christmases he’d missed. Those visits had been the only thing that kept him going in those early months. Because of her he had still felt connected to the outside world. Because of her he was able for a brief time to feel human again. But if he’d known the emotional toll it had taken on her, he would never have let her come. “I’m so sorry, Karen,” he said, his voice anguished. “I had no idea.”

“That was the intent.” Her voice still sounded a bit shaky, but she quickly got it under control. “I know you, big brother. If you’d had any idea what those visits did to me, you’d have told me to stop coming. And I wanted to be there for you. But it’s over now. I only brought it up because I want you to know that I realize how horrible it was. And I think you need to take some time to readjust. To rest. To decompress. That’s why I wanted you to come up to Chicago and stay with us for a while. I still wish you would.”

Scott felt overwhelmed by a rush of love and gratitude, and his throat tightened with emotion. Karen’s love and support were blessings for which he would always be grateful. “I love you for offering, sis,” he said, his own voice none too steady. “You don’t know how much it means to me. Just like your visits. In case I haven’t told you—and I probably haven’t, because men aren’t always too good at that communication thing—I want you to know that I wouldn’t have made it without them. Knowing you were coming back, that I wasn’t totally alone, that someone cared and was thinking about me, is the only thing that got me through those early months. You were my rock.”

He heard Karen sniff over the wire. “Who says men aren’t good at communication? You just got an A,” she said tearily. She paused to blow her nose, and when she continued her voice was steadier. “Okay, now, enough of this mushy stuff. If you won’t come up, then let me send you a little money to tide you over.”

“I’m fine, sis.”

“You can pay it back, okay? Consider it a loan.”

“I have a job. And a place to live. I’m fine. Really.”

Another exasperated sigh. “You are one stubborn man, you know that?”

He grinned. “I think it runs in the family.”

“Very funny. Okay, have it your way. What’s your address?”

He hesitated. “No money. Promise.”

She muttered something he couldn’t make out. “Fine. No money.”

He gave her the information, and then glanced at his watch. “This call is costing you a fortune.”

“Look, forget the money for a minute, okay? Indulge me. We’ve got three years of catching up to do without a guard standing over our shoulder. Which reminds me…do you think you’ll be ready for a visitor soon?”

“You don’t have to make a special trip down, Karen.”

“Hey, just because you’re out of prison doesn’t mean you’re going to shake me that easily. I’m heading down to check on you as soon as Joe’s mother comes to visit in mid-March. She can help him with the kids while I’m gone. I’ll consider it a vacation. Trust me—I deserve it. We’ve been decimated by the flu this winter, and guess who’s been playing nurse?”

Scott chuckled. “When you put it that way, how can I refuse?”

“You can’t,” she replied pertly.

He glanced around the tiny furnished apartment, with its threadbare upholstery, worn carpeting and nicked furniture. He could just imagine what Karen would say about his living conditions. “Just don’t expect the Ritz, okay?” he cautioned.

She gave an unladylike snort. “With three kids and twenty more years to go on the mortgage, the Ritz is out of my league, anyway.”

But not this far out, Scott thought as his gaze once more traveled around the shabby apartment. She would not be happy to find him living in these conditions. But that was a battle for another day. “Tell Joe and the kids I said hi.”

“Will do.” There was a slight hesitation, and when Karen spoke again her voice was cautious. “Listen, I don’t mean to be nosy, but…have you talked to Jess?”

Scott’s smile faded. “Yes.”

“Any luck?”

“She hung up on me.”

Karen sighed. “I’m sorry, Scott.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t expect her to welcome me with open arms.”

“Hang in there, okay?”

“I will. Believe me, I’m an expert at that after the past three years. I’ve learned to take everything a day at a time.”

“Not a bad philosophy. Listen, I’ll call again in a couple of days. Promise to take care of yourself in the meantime?”

“Count on it.”

“You’ll let me know if you need anything?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay. I’ll let you go for now. And Scott…welcome back.”

As they said their goodbyes and Scott replaced the receiver, he thought about Karen’s parting words. Welcome back. They had a nice sound. And it felt wonderful to be back. To be free.

But the words he really wanted to hear were Welcome home. And those could come from only one person.

Jess slammed the car door shut with her hip, juggling a briefcase, a bag of groceries and a shoulder purse. She didn’t usually work on Saturdays, but with the opening of the orchid show only a few days away she’d needed to tie up a few loose ends on publicity. The weather was too nice for indoor pursuits, though, she thought as she made her way toward her condo. The early-March day was unseasonably warm. Almost balmy, in fact. It was like a sneak preview of spring—and perfect for a nice long walk, she decided. As soon as she put away the groceries, she would change into her walking shoes and…

“Hello, Jess.”

Startled, Jess came to an abrupt stop as the man who had once been the center of her world stepped out of the shadows of a spruce tree. The bag of groceries slipped from her grasp, and only Scott’s quick reflexes kept it from hitting the sidewalk. He moved swiftly toward her and made a successful grab for it, which salvaged the canned goods—but dented her heart. Only inches away, his tangible, physical presence drove the breath from her lungs and she stumbled backward, desperately trying to put distance between them, unable to deal with the sudden, too-close proximity. She stared at him, wide-eyed, her hand moving involuntarily to her throat, frozen to the spot as she tried to process the impressions bombarding her senses.

There was no question that the man who stood motionless six feet in front of her, balancing the rescued grocery bag easily in one arm, was Scott. Absolutely no question. She would recognize him anywhere. Yet he was different. And it was more than the physical changes, though they were quite apparent, as well. For one thing, his dark hair now contained a sprinkling of silver at the temples. There were more lines on his face, which oddly enough seemed to suggest character rather than age. And he looked more toned than she’d ever seen him. His jeans fit his lean form like a second skin, and his T-shirt hugged a broad, muscular chest and revealed well-developed biceps. Scott had always been a handsome man. Now his virility was almost tangible.

But the physical changes weren’t what gave Jess pause. It was something else, something almost indefinable. A sense of quiet calm, of acceptance, of surrender almost. As if he’d somehow found a way to deal with all of the tragedy and pain and horror, made his peace with it and moved on. In the depths of his brown eyes she saw serenity, and a wave of envy surged over her. How had he been able to achieve that when it had so utterly eluded her? she wondered resentfully. Nothing seemed left of his restless, driving ambition, which had grown stronger and stronger until it had become the center of his life and had driven a wedge into their marriage. In its place was a quiet, appealing gentleness.

But there were other things in his eyes as well, she realized. Things that were even closer to the surface and equally disturbing in a very different way. Hunger. Need. And undisguised love. All of which left her completely off balance and confused.

While Jess struggled to come to grips with her volatile emotions, Scott took stock of the woman who had added so much joy to his life and filled his dreams for the past three years. She, too, was different than he remembered, and the changes troubled him. There was an unfamiliar tautness to her face, as if the skin was stretched too tightly over the fine bone structure beneath. And she seemed tense, tightly coiled, radiating an unsettling nervous energy that suggested she might snap at the least provocation.

Scott had known his unexpected appearance would upset her. But he sensed that Jess’s tension went far deeper and was of a much longer-term nature. As if it was the norm rather than a momentary reaction. She seemed somehow…brittle, as if she would break at the slightest touch. And far too thin, he concluded with a sweeping gaze. The fluid silk blouse that hugged her upper body suggested angular lines and sharp edges rather than the soft curves he remembered, and the circumference of the belt of her black slacks seemed tiny. Jess had always been slender, but now she was just plain skinny. His gaze moved back to her deep green eyes, and there he noticed the greatest change of all. Gone was the sparkle of joy with which she had always greeted each new day. In its place was a deep-seated sadness that was clearly of long duration.

Scott’s gut twisted painfully. He was well aware of the pain he’d caused Jess. Had always recognized it on an intellectual level. But now, confronted with the physical evidence of it, he knew that the hell he’d been through in prison had been no worse than her own private hell, which had left her shattered and fragile and heartbreakingly vulnerable.

Scott wanted to go to her, to pull her into his arms and promise to take away her pain, to care for her, to never hurt her again. But he knew his words would fall on deaf ears. Because he was the cause of her pain. He hadn’t been able to care for her in her greatest time of need. And there was no reason for her to believe that he would never hurt her again. Winning her back, he realized with a heavy heart, would be an even more daunting task than he’d imagined.

As he gazed at her, at the white-knuckled grip she had on her briefcase, at her face suddenly grown pale, he realized that she was trembling. Badly. She suddenly swayed ever so slightly, but when he instinctively took a step toward her she backed away in alarm, only to lose her balance as she tottered half on and half off the concrete walk. A moment later she lost her footing and found herself sprawled on the ground.

In a flash, Scott set the groceries on the walk and knelt beside her, his concerned eyes only inches from hers, his voice worried, his hand on her arm.

“I’m sorry, Jess. I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you okay?”

She stared at him, hardly able to breathe. She looked at his hand—strong, gentle and achingly familiar—on her arm, and her heart stopped, then slammed into overdrive. Dear God, why was she being tormented this way? she cried silently. She’d never wanted to see this man again! She hated him! Hated how his ambition had eaten away at their marriage. Hated how he’d begun to turn to alcohol to relieve the tension of stress-filled days in the business world. Hated how he’d taken the deadly chance that fateful night that ruined her life and ended two others. And hated how, in his presence, she was confronted again by the “if only” that had hung like a dark cloud over her life ever since the tragic accident. The “if only” that said her daughter might not have died if she’d insisted on driving that night instead of letting Scott take the wheel.

Choking back a sob, she scrambled to her feet, filled with an urgent need to get away from Scott. For some reason she sensed danger. Not of a physical nature. But danger nonetheless. She had to get to the safety of her condo, where she could bolt the door against this intrusion on her life. Yet even as she slung her purse over her shoulder and reached for her briefcase, a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach told her that she couldn’t bolt the door against this intrusion on her heart. That her life was once again about to be turned upside down. Blinded by tears, she groped for the grocery bag, but Scott beat her to it.

“Let me help.” He reached for it and swung it up into his arm.

She hesitated for only a moment. Then, without a word, she turned and headed for her condo, half running as she dug through her purse for her keys, struggling to control the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.

“Jess, please.”

He was behind her. Following her. Harassing her. She walked more quickly.

“Please, Jess. I just want to talk to you.”

Something in his tone made her step falter for a moment, but then, angry at herself for allowing the choked entreaty in his voice to affect her, she resolutely quickened her pace.

He didn’t speak again, but she knew he was still behind her. Her hand was shaking so badly when she reached her door that she had difficulty fitting her key in the lock. Then, just when she thought she was home free, it slipped from her fingers and clattered to the concrete steps.

Before she could react, he reached down and retrieved it. Panic once more engulfed her. Now she was trapped. Tears of frustration spilled from her eyes, and she swiped at them angrily and desperately tried to figure out what to do. But her brain seemed to have shifted into neutral.

To her surprise, however, Scott didn’t hold her hostage. After only a moment’s hesitation he reached past her and fitted the key into the lock. It took him two tries, and she noted with surprise that his hands were almost as unsteady as hers. After he turned the key, he stepped back.

“I’ll leave your groceries on the step,” he said quietly.

She heard the rustle of the paper bag as he deposited the sack, and she reached for the knob, prepared to flee, planning to retrieve the groceries later. But then he spoke again.

“I never had a chance to say this in person, Jess. And I know it doesn’t change anything. But I want you to know how sorry I am…about everything. I made a lot of mistakes. Tragic mistakes that I regret with all my heart. But the one thing that wasn’t a mistake was loving you.”

The raw pain, the passion, in his voice jolted her, compelled her with a force she couldn’t ignore to turn and face the man she had once loved. He was standing a couple of feet away, his hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans, his face filled with such sadness and remorse that she couldn’t doubt the truth of his words. But being sorry didn’t change a thing, she thought bitterly as the tears she’d tried so hard to contain suddenly spilled out of her eyes.

Scott watched helplessly, feeling physically sick. He’d been prepared to face Jess’s anger. But he hadn’t been prepared to watch her crumble in front of his eyes. He lifted a hand in an imploring gesture, then let it drop back to his side. “Dear God, Jess, I’m so sorry,” he repeated hoarsely, his voice choked.

She shook her head and reached again for the doorknob. “It’s too late,” she whispered brokenly. Then she slipped inside, shutting the door firmly behind her. A moment later he heard the bolt slide into place.

For several minutes Scott simply stood there staring at the closed door, struck by the symbolism. She was shutting him out of her life…and her heart. Her three words said it all. It’s too late.

But Scott didn’t believe it was too late. Couldn’t believe it. Because it was impossible to envision a future without Jess. He needed her…just as he believed she needed him. They had linked their destinies once, for better, for worse, and Jess had abided by their vows despite the tragedy that had befallen them. Though they were married in name only at the moment, he clung to the hope that with God’s help, Jess would eventually come to realize that he was a changed man. That his remorse was real. That his love for her had not only endured but grown during their long years apart. And that the joyous, vibrant, life-giving love they had once shared could live again.

As he turned away, Scott knew that his prospects seemed bleak. But he wouldn’t give up. Because he believed in the truth of Seth’s philosophy.

Spring always comes.

“Scott. It’s good to see you.” Reverend Young grasped Scott’s hand warmly. “I was hoping you’d make it to services.”

“It was a little tricky,” Scott admitted. “The buses run on an entirely different schedule on the weekends.”

The minister frowned. “I must admit I forgot about your lack of transportation. We’ll find you a ride from now on.”

“I don’t want to put anyone out, Reverend. The bus worked out fine.”

The minister laid a kindly hand on his shoulder. “There are a lot of good, Christian people out there, Scott. Give them a chance to put their beliefs into action.”

Scott smiled. “It’s pretty hard to refuse when you put it that way.”

“Sometimes accepting help is much harder than giving it,” he acknowledged. “So are you settled in? Everything going okay?”

“So far so good.”

“How are you and Seth getting on?”

Scott grinned. “Fine. I think. He’s not much of a talker.”

Reverend Young chuckled. “True enough. But he’s a good man. Fair and honest and dependable. He’s not much of a churchgoer, but he really lives the golden rule. Is the work okay? I know he expects a lot.”

“He does. But I don’t mind hard work. Which is a good thing, because he’s got a lot of commercial landscaping contracts and spring is a busy time. Let me put it this way…I rarely have any trouble sleeping.” Except for the nights when even bone-weary fatigue couldn’t overcome the longing in his heart for Jess, he added silently as a shadow swept across his eyes. Then he forced his thoughts in a different direction. “You have a nice church here, Reverend,” he complimented the man, glancing around the grounds. “It’s just like you described.”

The minister nodded in satisfaction. “We’ve come a long way since this land was donated five years ago. Would you like to see the back?”

“Sure.”

They made their way around the building, which stood on a slight rise that overlooked a small tree-ringed pond. Though it was in a suburban area, the grounds were quiet and secluded. “I come back here when I need a few moments to refresh my soul,” the minister said. “It’s a nice spot, isn’t it?”

“Very. What’s going on back there?” Scott nodded toward the edge of the pond, where some sort of construction project was in progress.

“One of our members thought a gazebo would be a nice addition, and offered to build one.”

“I agree.” Scott eyed the terrain critically. “Have you thought about adding a meditation garden, as well? It’s a perfect spot for one.”

The minister looked at him in surprise. “Frankly, no. Though I have to say the idea has appeal.”

“I’d be happy to draw up some plans for you. And if the church could afford to invest in some plants and trees, I’d be glad to do the work.”

Reverend Young smiled. “You work all week, Scott,” he reminded the younger man gently. “Everyone needs a day of rest.”

Scott shrugged. “It would give me a lot of pleasure to create a place of beauty that people could enjoy. I wouldn’t consider it work. And I have the time.”

The minister studied him for a moment. “You need to take some time for yourself, Scott. And for Jess.”

Scott stared out over the placid waters of the lake. Reverend Young knew his most intimate secrets and dreams, more so even than Karen. He’d tried to shield her as much as possible from his private demons, though clearly she’d picked up on far more than he’d realized. But with Reverend Young it had been different. The minister had been there when Scott was at his lowest ebb, when he’d given up on life, when he’d been able to see only darkness on the horizon. And he’d made the long journey to prison numerous times in those days just to see Scott, to walk with him through the valley of darkness, until light had finally begun to dawn on the dark horizon. If Karen had saved Scott by giving him abiding love, Reverend Young had saved him by giving him abiding faith.

“Things aren’t going well with Jess,” Scott said quietly.

“Have you talked to her?”

“Yes. The first time she hung up on me without saying a word. The second time I waited for her at her condo. But she couldn’t get away from me fast enough. She just said it was too late and closed the door in my face.”

“You knew it wouldn’t be easy.”

Scott sighed. “Yeah.”

“Hate is a difficult thing to overcome, Scott. And forgiveness doesn’t come easily for many people.”

Scott frowned. “That’s the odd thing, Reverend. I expected hate. And anger. But what I saw in Jess was more…I don’t know. Confusion. Fear. Pain. It was almost as if the whole thing happened four days ago, not almost four years ago.”

“I’m sure your release brought back all the memories. Made them seem fresh again. She may need some time to sort through her feelings now that you’re back in her life. To deal with unresolved issues.”

“So should I back off? Wait awhile?”

“You might want to move slowly,” the minister counseled. “Even though I know that’s hard to do. But I know the Lord will show you the way if you put your trust in Him.”

Scott sighed and shook his head. “Patience is one of those virtues I’m still working on, Reverend.”

The minister smiled sympathetically. “You and millions of other people.” Then he turned back toward the lake, a thoughtful expression on his face. “You know, I think a garden would be just the thing for the gazebo. I’ll run it by the church council at our meeting this week and let you know. Besides, gardening is a good way to develop patience,” he added, his eyes twinkling as the two men headed back to the front of the church.

Scott grinned. “You sound like Seth.”

The minister chuckled. “He’s quite a philosopher, isn’t he?” As they prepared to part, the minister laid a hand on Scott’s shoulder, his eyes once more serious. “Hang in there, okay? I’ll keep you in my prayers.”

Scott took the minister’s hand in a firm clasp. “Thanks. I can use them.”

The minister smiled. “That’s my job. You plant trees. I plant prayers. But both send out roots. We just need to do our part.”

Scott thought about the aptness of Reverend Young’s analogy as he headed back to his apartment. The visible signs of his relationship with Jess, the arching branches and beautiful blooms, had been ruthlessly chopped off at ground level. To the eye it had died. But Scott believed with all his heart that the roots were still there, filled with life. That with nurturing, tender new shoots would spring from the parched ground.

It was up to him to make that happen. And with the Lord’s help and guidance, he would find a way.