Читать книгу SPOUSE-TRAP Over 200 Questions to Ask Before Saying "I do" - Irfan Alli - Страница 5

With a general understanding of what marriage should do for you, and what you want from marriage, we can now explore what to look for in a spouse. The foundation of a happy marriage is laid when you select the right spouse. It is only natural that each person has their own shopping list for their ideal spouse. Nevertheless, after all is said and done, the following is what matters to most people:

Appearance and hygiene:

First, you should be comfortable with the appearance and grooming of your spouse. Should you not be, you might do what some do at the first signs of problems in the marriage; they start glancing at those with better looks. Equally important is the hygiene of the person. You would not want a spouse that smells and does not know how to keep themselves clean. However, keep in mind that a person’s appearance changes with time. A man can go bald, and grow a tummy. A woman might put on extra pounds, especially when pregnant. For a marriage to last for life it needs to be based on more than physical appearance. Appearance and hygiene should be balanced with three other important qualities.

The ability to provide for a family:

For some it is what a person owns that matters – a fast car, a large bank account, a house, etc. But a fast car might only crash your marriage. The ability to hold a steady job or run a stable business, and make money on a long term basis should be more important. This will allow you to buy the toys you want, put a roof over your head, and also provide adequately for a family and children.

No matter what the love songs say, one cannot live on love alone. And when your stomach is empty, and the bills are not being paid, sex is not the only thing on your mind. As a result, couples often argue over money.

For stress in a marriage to be minimal, you have to be under minimal financial pressure. To do this, a steady flow of income is needed. Both the husband and wife should have the necessary skills to find jobs. However if they can afford to have one parent stay at home when they have young children, life would be less stressful and more fulfilling for the whole family.

A good family background:

Before reading further take a few minutes to answer the following questions:

1.Do you believe the family of a person should be taken into consideration before you marry them?

2.If yes, why?

3.If no, why?

As someone who’s worked as a production manager for many years, I got involved in the hiring and firing of employees. When I consider someone for employment not only do I look at the skills he or she is bringing to the new job, but their work history as well. Were they good workers? Is he or she reliable? Punctual? Did they get along well with others?

Similarly, before you decide to marry someone, you need to consider the history of the person. What kind of upbringing did he or she have? Who are the parents? What do they expect of a spouse? What is the family like?

The third requirement is that the person you marry must come from a good family. But what does that have to do with anything you might wonder? You’re marrying him, not his family! This is a common mistake. When you marry you are not simply marrying the person. In a way you are marrying each other’s family. People bring the habits, the upbringing, the problems of their past into the relationship. If the extended family is dysfunctional, many of the same problems can surface in your own house, through your spouse. Also, you can end up spending a fair amount of time with each other’s family. If you argue every time you meet your in-laws, that is going to affect your relations with your spouse and the kids as well. So get to know your spouse’s family before making a final decision.

Similar beliefs, values and lifestyle:

The fourth quality is similar beliefs, values and lifestyle. If you have different beliefs, values and lifestyle, after the honeymoon is over the fighting is likely to start. It is the most important of the four points I have mentioned. In fact it is more important than colour or nationality.

When two people get married, the commitment should be for life. Not what we see many people doing. At the first argument, crisis or hardship they’re shouting divorce. Often this is due to incompatible beliefs, values and lifestyle. Life is a very long journey with many challenges and unknowns. The more compatible a couple is from the onset, the better their chances of surviving differences, and challenges to their relationship.

It is also possible for one spouse to suffer setbacks in career or health. For example one spouse might loose a job or get sick and not be able to contribute financially or otherwise to the marriage for a short term or long term period. Does that mean they dump each other? For the marriage to endure, people need higher principles to hold them together. Common ideology makes this possible.

It is natural that a couple will have differences, or argue from time to time. If it’s something fundamental to the relationship, it has to be reconciled. If this happens often enough the relationship starts to sour. This is followed by name calling, and possibly physical abuse. When such differences occur, it is necessary to return to a common criteria to resolve differences. This would be the common scripture, beliefs and values that the relationship started with. Statistics show that people have a higher success in marriage when they marry within their faith group. When they don’t, they can have a lot of problems. What about people who do not believe in God? Still the principle of similar beliefs, values and lifestyle apply. You would be better off finding an atheist who practices the same lifestyle and values as you do. Isn’t it enough that he or she be an atheist? Unfortunately these days life is not that simple. You can both be atheists with lifestyles that are totally different. Here are some examples:

Suppose one spouse drinks alcohol and the other never touches it. They are likely to have ongoing arguments until they come to a common agreement based on their values. If they can’t reconcile their positions their bickering will continue. The spouse that drinks is likely to drink even more due to frustration with the other spouse, and it keeps escalating from there.

A second example would be one partner wanting to spice up their sex life with the use of pornographic videos in the bedroom. The other might find this revolting, and immoral. If their sex life is lacking then heated arguments will follow. Again the need for a similar way of life and values keeps peace in the bedroom.

In addition to both individuals being believers or atheists, one has to ensure that they are compatible. And I don’t just mean sexually. There is only so much that sex can do for a marriage. Knowing you are compatible comes by asking a series of more detailed questions to ensure that both individuals practice their belief, disbelief or atheism in the same ways.

There are also many issues that have nothing to do with whether one is a believer or atheist. Instead, they require a person to use common sense, and show common courtesy to others. Take the extended family for example. Many couples quarrel about each others’ parents interfering in their marriages. Or about one or the other insulting or badmouthing a member of their extended family, even at times refusing to visit each other’s family. A lot of such arguments can be minimized if individuals ask the right questions before committing to each other to ensure they will be courteous and respectful to each other’s family.

No one knows for sure how a marriage will turn out. You have to be as thorough as you can upfront, take advice from family and friends, and seek help and guidance from God if you believe in Him. However, in seeking advice, take advice from those with successful marriages and family life. Turn to uncles, aunts, friends, and people in your community with a happy family life for help and advice. That way you get a good understanding of what to look for in a spouse, and what healthy family life is all about.

Remember, in marriage and a family you will make the largest investment of time, emotions, resources and energy. If you do your homework upfront you will save yourself much pain later, and not be among the 50 percent of marriages that end in divorce.

SUMMARY

When selecting a spouse it is important that you consider all four of the following not just one or two.

•The person should have a pleasing appearance to you.

•The person should be able to contribute to making a good family. Such contributions are not only financial, but educational and spiritual as well.

•The person should have a good family background, as this shows up in the way your family functions and will be shaped.

•You should share similar beliefs, values and lifestyle.

In the long run similar beliefs, values and lifestyle is what keep families together, and is the most important of the four.