Читать книгу The Perfect Indulgence - Isabel Sharpe, Isabel Sharpe - Страница 10

3

“FOUR TOTALLY HOT guys asked you out on Monday? In one hour?”

“Yes.” Chris sat in a half lotus on the rug in Eva’s living room, breathing calmly, waiting while Eva shouted the news to Ames—they’d just gotten back to Ames’s luxury Manhattan apartment after a movie and late-night dinner. Ames had been a regular at NYEspresso and had tried to go out with Chris before he met Eva and totally changed his idea of the perfect mate.

“I still can’t believe it. How many dates did you agree to go on?”

“None.”

“What?”

Chris had to pull the phone away from her ear. Her twin lived large in every way. “Well, none yet. I mean, they were all right there watching me. It was completely weird.”

“Okay, but you didn’t actually say no to any of them.”

“I barely said anything.” She stood, centering herself, trying to distribute her weight evenly. “I think I was in shock.”

Her sister giggled. “I’m not surprised. So which hot hunk o’ man flesh are you going to start with?”

“Gus.” Chris didn’t have to see Eva’s face scrunched into incredulity to know what she looked like.

“Gus? Are you kidding me? No offense, Chris, but I’d pick any of the others over Gus, even not ever having seen Luke, who if you ask me shouldn’t be in the running because he’s a mere babe. I would definitely pick Zac first.”

No, not Zac. Chris tipped her head to one side, feeling her neck muscles lengthen and relax. “Gus is a sweetheart.”

“He’s a sweetheart, yes. A sweetheart with no brain.”

Chris grimaced. Eva was sort of right. But around Gus she could hang on to her Zen-like calm. Bodie was too overwhelmingly sexy, Eva was right about Luke being ridiculously young, even younger than Gus, and Zac...

Chris was many things around Zac, but calm never seemed to be one of them. He seemed to push a button that made her revert to her combative, overly judgmental and high-strung former self.

“I owe Gus. We had one pretty awful date when I first moved out here. I promised him a second chance, but he didn’t collect until now.”

“Months and months later. Don’t you think that’s extremely weird?”

“He’s a guy.” Chris tipped her head to the other side. Breathe in. Breathe out. “An ambitious surfer who’s been busy catching waves. Maybe he’s been dating someone else. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter to me.”

“Wow, Chris, you sound about as excited about this date as someone looking forward to an IRS audit. I’m worried about you.”

Chris rolled her eyes. Once again Eva refused to clue in to her new outlook on life. “No, it will be fun. I’m looking forward to spending time with him.”

Eva sighed. “Ames is telling me to butt out.”

“Ames is a very smart man.”

“When have I ever butted out of anything? If you ask me—”

“I didn’t.”

“—you are depressed. You really need to start—”

“Depressed?” Chris’s head snapped upright; she jammed one hand onto her hip. “Eva, this is nothing like depression. I’m trying for something I’ve never had in my entire life, total contentment and total confidence in my ability to give up control and just be in the moment.”

“I get that.” Eva’s voice gentled. “Really, I do. It just...doesn’t sound like you.”

Chris closed her eyes, let her arm drop and recentered her body, trying to maintain mental equilibrium. It occurred to her suddenly that her twin might just be disoriented by the changes. She tried to think how she’d feel if their positions were reversed and Eva started behaving differently. It would certainly be confusing and frightening. Maybe Chris would react negatively, too. “People change, Eva.”

“They don’t change that much. Not fundamentally.”

“Trust me, I’m more me than I ever have been.” She glanced at her watch, trying to ignore Eva’s exasperated snort, though it hurt a little. “I have to go. Gus is picking me up in a couple of minutes.”

“Now? It must be after ten there.”

“What, do I have a curfew?”

“Sorry. I’m sorry. You’re just not a late-night person... Right, I know, you’re changing. Well, have fun. Don’t do anything stupid like fall for him.”

“Om Saha Naavavatu. If the crystals align, and my chakra bids me to do it, I just might.”

“Uh...Chris? You’re really scaring me.”

Chris’s laughter died into dismay. “Eva, I was kidding. I don’t really talk like that, and I’m not going to fall in love with Gus. Please don’t worry about me. I’m really fine.”

“But— Oh. Ames is telling me to butt out again. I’ll let you go. Have fun.”

“Thanks, Eva.” Chris hung up, unsettled and anxious—the way she used to be nearly all the time. She and Eva rarely disagreed, especially about anything so personal. Thank goodness she had a weapon against that kind of tension now. Eva would come around when she saw how much freer and happier Chris was in her new skin, and how their relationship would only change for the better. Next time Eva decided she wanted to go out after Chris had already settled into a comfortable chair with a good book or movie, Chris would be all over it instead of declining. Maybe she’d even cut her hair for real at some point.

A peaceful minute later, she was calm again, adjusting her funky wig, smoothing the hem of her casual floral tunic top which she wore over skinny jeans, and remembering the outfit she’d worn on her first date with Gus—a fancy white top, carefully ironed blue linen shorts and matching sandals. For heaven’s sake.

This evening would be fun. Casual and playful. Definitely out of the ordinary. On dates in New York, she’d go to a show, a movie, a museum or to any of the thousands of fantastic restaurants. Ah, New York.

Tonight she was going to play pool and darts in a bar with Gus and his buddies. Now that she was so much less judgmental, having let go of the fear that required her to be in control at all times, she was open to so many more experiences. She was quite sure she’d love this one.

* * *

THREE HOURS LATER, Chris walked back into the house, head pounding, throat hoarse from shouting over the music and over the other people shouting over the music.

She’d hated every minute of tonight.

The pool hall had been loud and full of too-young, weird-looking people, and as much as she tried very hard to love and accept them all, she really wanted most of them to grow up and be quiet and stop drinking so much. A long, hot shower would be a super idea for many of them, too. And maybe a few could give the tattoo parlor a rest after six or seven thousand visits.

Yes, she’d gotten one tiny tat on a particularly fun evening last fall when she’d been out with Summer and the rest of the part-time staff for a meeting that had turned into a bar visit and a trip to the parlor. She and Summer had both gotten tattoos—after Chris insisted on paying. Summer got a tiny rose on the inside of her upper arm. Chris’s phoenix was rising from the ashes to signify her new self emerging. Clichéd, but she loved the symbol. At least her tiny delicate bird didn’t take up most of her visible skin so it looked as if she’d been rolling in used engine oil.

She pulled off her wig, kicked off her flip-flops and went into the kitchen to gulp a glass of water. Gus had been adorable, entertaining, eager to please, but thank God, finally even he’d had enough and had brought her home, where she’d kept their good-night kiss to a quick, sweet peck and fled, hoping to discourage him from asking her out again.

Weirdly keyed up—annoying since she was exhausted from being up since five-thirty that morning to work the early shift—she wandered around Eva’s adorable little house, watered the plants, and finally decided what she really needed to relax after the crowds and brain-pulverizing noise was a long, soul-cleansing walk on the beach.

Five minutes later, wearing black knit capris, waterproof Teva sandals and a pink sweatshirt, with her real hair stuffed under a matching pink New York Yankees cap, she stopped by the table next to the front door and grabbed her little bag containing an electronic whistle and pepper spray. She’d never felt threatened or uncomfortable on Aura Beach, but kids did go there to drink sometimes, and drunk kids could get really stupid.

Outside, the neighborhood was quiet except for the wind through the trees and waves tumbling in the distance. By the time she’d made it to the bottom of the hill and turned onto La Playa Avenue, her body was relaxing, her headache lessening. She sent Slow Pour a silent, affectionate greeting as she passed, and several blocks later turned right onto the path toward the beach. When the scrubby growth under her feet gave way to sand, she stopped to check in with her surroundings and her instincts.

The moon was bright enough not to need the flashlight app on her phone. The beach appeared deserted.

Chris’s mouth curved in a smile. How perfect. In New York when she felt caged and restless late at night, her options were the twenty-four-hour gym a few blocks from her house or staying home and dealing with it.

She sighed rapturously and walked toward the waves, reveling in the fresh ocean breeze. The perfect antidote to an evening spent with—

What was that? Her peripheral vision had caught two shadows off to the right at the base of one of the cliffs bracketing the beach. Two people were getting to their feet. With luck she’d disturbed a horny couple making out, not partying guys looking to cause trouble.

Chris unzipped her bag and slipped a hand inside, trying to look unconcerned, hoping the two shapes would head for the path and be gone.

No. They were heading toward her. They both looked male.

She closed her fingers around the pepper spray, adrenaline pumping, telling herself to stay calm, breathe easy, to send out peaceful loving vibes, and hope they were just going to offer to hang out with her and go away when she said no.

One of them shouted something as a wave broke, the rumble and swish of water drowning his words. She couldn’t see their faces, but the taller one’s lumbering stride looked familiar.

Zac?

And could that be Luke with him?

She didn’t relax until they were close enough to tell for sure, which must have been when they could tell for sure who she was, because they went from what had seemed like an ominously relentless advance to smiling and waving.

For heaven’s sake.

She rezipped the bag, her heart still pounding like crazy. There was not enough Zen in the world to stay calm during that kind of episode.

“Hey, Chris.” Luke was beaming.

Zac looked— Well, as usual she couldn’t tell. He was so hard to read. Except when he was being smug. That came through loud and clear.

“You guys came close to being pepper-sprayed.” Her voice shook with relief, but she kept her body still, counting on the noise of the waves to cover up the tremor in her words, not wanting the guys to know how badly they’d spooked her. “It’s a terrible idea to sneak up on a woman alone at night.”

“Hey, we weren’t sneaking,” Luke said. “We were walking. And we yelled out to you.”

“Sorry, Chris. We didn’t mean to freak you out.” Zac put his hands on his hips, as usual able to see through her attempts at hiding anything.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.” She waved the concern away. “I just came down here to clear my head and to—” Be alone.

The words were on the tip of her tongue, but just as she was about to say them, she looked up at Zac, who was looking down at her, his face dim with the moon behind him, and an odd shiver—not unpleasant—passed through her body.

She’d wanted to make it clear that she didn’t want him—them—around tonight, but some part of her wasn’t entirely sure that was true. And she was supposed to listen to her true inner voice and its needs and to comply, because that wise subconscious part of her knew best.

Darn it.

“I’m beat. I’m going back up to the house.” Luke’s voice was a little too loud, not quite natural. “I’ll see you later.”

Zac made a noise that sounded like a suppressed snort. “Sure. You know the way back?”

“Uh-huh. Up to La Playa, then right, then left on Feo Salmuera and home.” He waved and walked quickly up the beach, calling out a singsong, “Have fun, guys,” that was brimming with mischief.

Chris put her hands on her hips. “Zac.”

“Chris.” He turned back to her, his face catching the moonlight from a new angle, making him a broad, mysterious masculine form in the half darkness.

That funny, fizzy shiver hit her again. “Were we just rather pointedly left alone?”

“Looks that way. Do you mind?”

As usual, he took her aback with his directness. No, she didn’t mind. Yes, she most definitely did mind.

And so it went with Zac.

“I came down here to be alone.”

“Okay.” His voice was quiet, even. She could take lessons from him on staying calm. He acted as if he didn’t care one way or another whether she stayed or left.

Not that she cared if he cared one way or another whether she stayed or left.

Really.

“How about I go back over by the cliff where Luke and I were talking, and when you’re ready to go let me know and I’ll walk you home. That way you get your alone time and I won’t have to worry about you.”

“Oh.” She frowned at the ocean. What a thoughtful and sensible solution. She got what she wanted, and he... Well, who knew what he wanted? He had asked her out to dinner three days ago, on Monday, but maybe that was on a whim he now regretted. “Okay.”

“Good.” He backed up a few steps. “Just wave at me when you want to leave.”

“Wait, so that means you’ll be staring over here the whole time?”

“Oh, sure. I have binoculars and X-ray glasses. Standard stalker equipment.”

She couldn’t help but smile. “Serves me right for asking.”

He lifted a hand and walked back toward the cliff. Chris wrapped her arms around herself. The farther away Zac got, the more empty the beach felt—but not in a good way this time. What was her inner voice trying to tell her?

Aw, crap.

“Zac.” He kept walking. “Zac.”

His lumbering form turned back.

She hurried over. “Hey.”

“Something wrong?”

“No, no, I just...” She gestured lamely. “I guess I changed my mind about hanging out.”

“Okay.” Again, he didn’t sound either glad or upset. She should take lessons. He was that good.

She fell into step beside him as they walked toward the cliff face. “Does anything ever upset you?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because I was wondering that.”

“Ha. Yes, of course things upset me sometimes.”

“Has anything ever upset you around me, or do you just never show it? Because I’ve never seen you—”

“Chris.” He stopped walking. “Can we start with ‘How was your evening? How are things going? What have you been up to for the past few months?’”

“Okay.” She stared up at him, wishing she could see his face better. “How was your evening?”

He chuckled and kept walking. “Fine, thanks. Luke and I went running, then we had dinner, watched some TV, got hungry again and brought more food down here.”

“How is he doing?”

Zac sat on one side of a blanket spread at the bottom of the cliff, leaving her plenty of room to join him. “He’s okay, considering he changed coasts and is starting his life over. Are you hungry?”

“Actually, yes.” She dropped down next to him. She was starving. There had been little at the bar that wasn’t loaded with cheese or deep-fried or both. “What do you have? Man food, I bet. Cheetos and beef jerky?”

“C’mon, this is California. We brought sushi, papaya and fair-trade chocolate.”

“No way.” Her stomach growled viciously. Thank goodness the waves were loud enough to cover the sound. “Do I have to high-five you and call you ‘dude’ to eat it?”

“If you want.” He lit a small lantern that threw a warm circle of light onto the sand and their blanket. “But how about you tell me about your evening instead?”

“I went out with Gus.”

“Yeah?” Zac’s body hitched as he leaned toward the cooler, but his voice stayed even, so she couldn’t tell if he’d reacted or not. “How was that?”

“It was okay.”

“Not great?” He handed her a take-out container with a few remaining pieces of a sushi roll. “Spicy tuna.”

“Yum, thanks. We went out to play pool.”

“Really.” He was smirking. “I seem to remember you telling him pretty pointedly last October that pool was not on your list of things you like to do.”

“That was then.” She picked up a piece of sushi. “I’m open to more experiences now. I’m glad I went.”

Zac put a container of cubed papaya on the blanket between them. “You seeing him again?”

A big bite of really wonderful spicy tuna roll gave her the chance to think before she answered. On the one hand, her dating life wasn’t really any of his business. On the other, it was a perfectly normal question. If a woman had asked her, she wouldn’t have blinked.

But Zac was definitely not a woman. “I thought we were catching each other up on our evenings and the past few months.”

“Fair enough.”

“So what have you been up to the past few months?” She grabbed another piece of tuna roll. Sheer heaven.

“Let’s see.” He relaxed down onto his side, supporting his head on his palm. “Before I left, I finished my master’s thesis, defended it and passed.”

“Hey, congratulations.” Chris was taken aback. Before he left? He hadn’t mentioned it to her. You’d think he would have been bursting with the news. “What was your thesis about?”

“Introducing clean water systems in isolated areas. I can go into a whole lot of detail if you want. It’d take, oh, say, about an hour. Minimum.”

“Maybe another time?”

He grinned and stole a piece of papaya. “Then I finished my doctorate program applications and was about to schedule a vacation to Costa Rica when I got the call that Luke had been arrested. He’d gotten into a fight with a kid from another school over something really important, like whose hockey team was tougher.”

Chris winced. “Boys.”

“Yeah, but I don’t cut him any slack for that. He’s twenty-one—he knows better than to be a hothead idiot. Plus he’d been on a drinking binge. So stupid. So that took a while to sort out. We all agreed he needed a break from UConn, where he wasn’t doing that well anyway, and a break from his usual life, and a break from my dad, who means well but isn’t cut out to parent a lost kid.”

Chris nodded sympathetically, feeling strangely lit up. She didn’t think Zac had ever said that many sentences to her at once, and she was pretty sure he’d never shared that much about his life before. Maybe she hadn’t given him the opportunity? “That’s a lot to cope with.”

“Nah. He’s family. He got a bad deal growing up. My mom died when he was really young. Pretty much a baby.”

“Oh, my God, I’m sorry. That must have been devastating.” Chris pressed her lips together, aching inside. A bad deal, he’d called it? Typical Zac understatement, undoubtedly representing a hell of a lot of pain, and not only Luke’s.

“So Luke is here now. As soon as he finds a job, I hope he’ll settle, maybe go back to school at some point if he can get in anywhere around here. But he needs to do some growing up first.”

“He’s still pretty young.”

Zac didn’t respond, which surprised her until it hit her that if his mom died when he was a teenager, he’d undoubtedly had to grow up a lot quicker than Luke.

Her heart started a slow sympathy melt.

No. She was not going to allow herself to get soft on Zac. It was really late at night—or really early in the morning—and she was exhausted and therefore a little giddy and vulnerable, and he was an undeniably large, warm, sexy presence beside her in the cool air on the deserted beach, spilling out his heart in a way he never had before.

Breathe in, breathe out.

“Now tell me how your last few months have been.”

“Oh.” She speared another of the sweet, juicy papaya pieces, wishing the fruit was this fresh and flavorful back east. “I’ve had a really great time.”

“Guys been asking you out every hour on the hour?”

“No! That was really weird.” She laughed, feeling herself blush in the darkness. “Most of the time I was feeling my way through changes at Slow Pour.”

“I like what you did. You got rid of some of the clutter without sacrificing the comfort or quirky feel of the place.”

“Thanks.” She was surprised he’d noticed, though given how well he could read her feelings, she probably shouldn’t be. That was so different from the men she knew. Her father could probably pick up on a hint of sadness if one of the three women in his family was writhing and sobbing on the floor at his feet, but other than that... “And I took a few weeks of classes at the Peace, Love and Joy Center, trying to unblock myself, surrender to a deeper consciousness, and become freer and less stressed.”

“Ah.”

She frowned. “Are you making fun of me?”

“Me?” He sat up to unwrap a bar of chocolate and broke off a row. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you think I’m spouting New Age crap.”

“No.” He handed her the squares of chocolate. “I think the idea that you have to fix something about you is crap.”

“I’m not trying to fix anything—I’m uncovering the real me. You must think it’s possible to change or you wouldn’t have brought Luke here.”

“Luke is trying to change his perspective and his circumstances. Not who he is.”

Chris bristled. “I’m not even sure who I am. The real me has been blocked my whole life, and I’m only just getting at her. You can’t claim to know her and what she needs better than I do.”

“No, of course not.”

Chris struggled to relax. Darn it, Zac had gotten to her again. “All I know is that I have felt charged up and mildly panicked my whole life, and now I feel I can be free of that. How can that be wrong?”

“It’s not. I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. If this program is making life better for you, that’s a good thing.”

Chris waited, a piece of chocolate held so close to her mouth that her salivary glands activated. Was he really as sincere as he sounded, or was he making fun of her again?

He seemed calm.

Yeah, big surprise.

She ate the chocolate, feeling oddly cheated by his surrender, which was crazy. The last thing she needed was more arguing.

“Okay, so now we’ve discussed our evenings and what we’ve done for the past few months.” Zac shifted on the blanket. “I get to ask. Are you going to see Gus again? Are you going to have dinner with Bodie?”

Chris frowned. “Why do you want to know?”

“Jeez, Chris.” Zac exhaled impatiently. “Why do you think?”

Another one of those pesky thrills chased around her body. Was he saying he was interested? Jealous, maybe? Stop. At the center she’d identified this crazy-making habit of projecting her own thoughts onto other people and had sworn to avoid it, even if it meant putting herself in awkward or potentially vulnerable situations. From now on, communication had to be honest and clean, always. “Why don’t you tell me?”

“Okay, I will.” He wrapped his arms around his knees. “Because Gus is interested only in surfing and himself and Bodie is interested only in surfing and himself, plus getting laid as often as possible. Gus will treat you like crap because he doesn’t know any better, and Bodie will treat you like crap because at heart he’s a misogynist.”

Chris straightened, annoyed by his response. He sounded like a big brother trying to keep his naive little sister from dating the school bad boy. “I’m not planning to marry either of them.”

“Good.” Her response clearly annoyed him, too. “You’ll get along fine, then.”

Chris retreated into silence, totally aggravated by the tension that had ruined the mood of their evening. And aggravated that she was aggravated because she’d spent so many months deliciously calm. Who cared what Zac thought of her love life? He was—

Stop again. Another old pattern—coming up with an outraged defense to distract herself from the truth. Truth always needed admitting and facing, no matter how hard.

Okay. Truth time. Zac’s big-brother answer to her charged question had pricked her ego. Deep down she’d wanted him to say he was jealous of her dating other men. Because...

Because...

Because she was attracted to him.

The minute she admitted the truth, she felt the aggravation draining away, giving her a moment of relief before it was replaced by the almost worse panic of vulnerability.