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THE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN THE NIGHT

It is every girl’s dream, especially the ugly ones, to walk out at twilight and to find the Alpha males of two of the world’s most powerful nocturnal species fighting for her affection.

It is far less romantic and a lot simpler for guys: They just step out into the night hoping to meet someone better looking than their girlfriend or wife, or if they’re single, to meet someone hotter and more available than their buddies’ chicks.

For either gender to have any form of success in their respective endeavours, they first have to step out.

Yes, stepping out – to a nightspot – is what I would love to see people do more often. You get to socialise and meet more people.

Let’s start first with the broad categories of people you are most likely to meet once the sun goes down.

The Ah Beng

They are very loud – in terms of their dress sense (or the lack thereof) and speech, which is a mix of Mandarin and various dialects (usually Hokkien) and a smattering of English. There was a time when the Ah Beng had absolutely no clue that he was one, but increasingly, especially in nightspots, Ah Bengs are quite happy to embrace the term, usually with a swig of cognac and sweetened green tea. On account of their flashy attitude, they are often big spenders. They would offer you a drink, sometimes from their very own glass, insisting that you consume half of it before they finish off the remainder in a bizarre bonding ritual.

They are generally friendly and harmless unless provoked. And this provocation can come in the form of looking at them for too long.

Do not, for your own safety, stare at them. If you can’t help looking, avoid eye contact. If eye contact is inadvertently made, smile. If you are close enough, say hello. Alcohol is a great amplifier of emotions, and you may appear aggressive to a fully-loaded Ah Beng by just looking at him.

Conversely, being friendly, saying hi, would usually elicit a similarly positive response. Whereupon Ah Beng would in all probability offer you a drink from his own chalice.

Do your best not to reject the offer for it could be misconstrued as a slight. Otherwise, raise your own glass in a toast, and thank Ah Beng for the offer. But never, especially if you are not Chinese, attempt to call an Ah Beng an Ah Beng – unless you’re really tired of living.

The Ah Lian

The female version of the Ah Beng, these are possessed of the sartorial sensibilities of the male. Almost all of them have long, straight rebonded hair, usually in various shades of gold.

They wear enough eyeliner and mascara to scare a panda, and false eyelashes are de rigueur for this species. Most, too, come equipped with coloured contact lenses and put on a high-pitched voice an attempt to sound cute in the way some Japanese schoolgirls may be perceived to be. When not “acting cute”, they become very fluent in Singlish and can unleash profanities (in dialect) with as much gusto as any self-respecting Ah Beng. They are often seen as materialistic and not quite so well endowed on the upper level.

While Ah Bengs may spend most of their earnings pimping their rides to look like traffic lights when stationery and the Beijing Olympics fireworks when moving, Ah Lians are quite often quietly saving up for a visit to the plastic surgeon in the hope of looking more Japanese.

Ah Lians can be very friendly, too, though not necessarily in a good way. I was once at a club having a conversation with a male friend when I was startled by the wailing of an Ah Lian standing close to me who trying to sing along to the music.

I turned to look, and regretted instantly. She was very drunk, and as she looked me in the eye, I swear her eyelashes and coloured contacts would have disengaged had I not defused the situation. “You’re very pretty,” I lied. She smiled, suddenly became very composed, and started chatting with her group of female friends. I resumed my conversation, thinking the episode was over.

Then someone grabbed my arm. It was one of Ah Lian’s friends. “If you like her, buy her a tequila pop, she’ll go out with you.” I thanked her but made no bid for Ah Lian’s affections.

The SPG

Short for Sarong Party Girl, they refer to the type of local women who date only Caucasian men.

Where once they were seen to wear tight-fitting, skimpy tops paired with a sarong (a stretch of fabric wrapped around the waist like a skirt), the term now refers to any local woman who dates Caucasian men exclusively. Sometimes, the SPG tag is unfairly used on or confused with local women who date, fall in love with and enter into a relationship with a guy who just happens to be Caucasian. SPGs consciously avoid having a relationship with the local stock, having a mindset that the expat has a bigger (pay) package. The SPG is colour blind and sees only white.

The Hipster

They’re young, trendy and intelligent. Dressed unconventionally, they are the epitome of cool.

They may appear aloof but can be very friendly, and are discerning when it comes to their taste in entertainment. Many of them have had a stint overseas, usually for education. They are usually well-spoken and can discuss any topic with a clear opinion, and without sounding too cocky. They love a party and enjoy a good drink, and have the good sense not to drink till they’re shit-faced.

They hang out at the more fashionable dance venues and are often accompanied by like-minded individuals. They’ll talk to you if they like you, or remain polite but distant if they don’t. However, be careful not to confuse a Hipster with a poorly-dressed pseudo-intellectual, especially after you’ve had a few drinks.

The latter is awkward, becomes difficult to shake off once you say “hello”, and thinks that your buying drinks for him is payment for his scintillating company.

The Novice

They’re very young, possibly underaged, and very new to the drinking game. Their lack of experience with alcohol results in their succumbing to its effects very early on in the night. Male or female, you can see them sprawled beside a revolting pool of fluid outside big venues. They are usually surrounded by a group of friends trying to revive them or by a friend designated to make sure someone picks up their remains.

All too often, these are kids who get loaded on liquor obtained from a convenience store rather than from the premises they’d emerged from drunk. What often happens is they get overzealous about getting pre-loaded, so the first drink at a club ends their night even before they get started.

The Poseur

Quite simply, he pretends to be what he isn’t, or more important than what he actually is. He could be a clerk in a multi-national company (I’ve nothing against clerks, they’re essential to the running of some companies) but he may pretend to be a top-level executive.

Not that you can’t see through his ruse, but asking him for his namecard is giving him more attention than he deserves.

The Talent

These are the pretty girls (and sometimes guys) in uniform you see at a club during a promotional event. They are hired to promote whatever the event is promoting, and are properly styled to look the part. Sometimes, a liquor company may just hire these talents as sales promoters on a regular night.

Whichever the case, you’re welcome to have a chat with them. But do bear in mind you’re meeting them on a night when they’re properly styled, so they could look quite different in daylight.

The Musician/Performer

These are the people who dress slightly differently from the rest of the crowd.

They have to, as they are singers, instrumentalists, dancers or DJs and their rightful place is on the stage. Should you see them at the bar, they’re probably on a break before their next set, or have been instructed to socialise with the patrons.

Some are extremely popular, possibly on account of their technical proficiency or simply because they’re very pretty or handsome.

The Player

Almost always stylishly dressed and annoyingly vain, the player will look at his quarry with love in his eyes and give her the impression that she means the world to him. He’ll ask question after question, but do not be deceived – he isn’t really concerned or interested, he’s just researching his female prey so he can quickly corner her for the kill.

The Dirty Old Man

They look like your grandfather but behave like your younger brother, and some are deluded enough to think you’d be interested in playing a game of guessing their age.

Not all old dudes at nightspots are Dirty Old Men, though. Most are just old. But you can tell one from the amount of flirting he does, especially with females who look at least young enough to be his daughter.

The Bitch

She could look completely innocent to the guys but most girls in her circle would know that she’d readily slag off every girl in the building to any guy who would care to sit a moment with her. And there would be many of such suckers.

Bear in mind, especially if you’re a guy, that she could just as easily slag you off if she finds another guy more attractive to her than you.

The Free-Loader

It is well-nigh impossible to tell a free-loader at a first meeting, as they can look anything from a very well-bred individual to a pauper. They will know exactly where to be when drinks are being served, but will be the furthest from the waiter when the bill is presented. I once had a little fun with one of these when the bill was presented.

For some reason, the waiters always approach me. By then, Solo Free-loader was between a couple of friends in the group, thinking he was safe. I pointed him out to the waitress to send the bill to him and when she did, the look on his face was priceless.