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Judd

Day 6298

I love the time I spend with my Mom and especially when it’s away from home. When we’re driving, we’re always singing. We take turns at picking an album to listen to, and today it’s Mom’s turn, so she’s picked the Into The Wild soundtrack by Eddie Vedder. We both know all the words off by heart and belt them out in the car as we drive to the beach. We often go here because it isn’t too far from home, and as Mom got to finish work early we decided to go to for a walk before it got dark. As we are walking along the beach, I get this feeling that Mom is upset. There’s a tension in the air that surrounds us, kind of like how it’s at home. We don’t know what’s the right thing to say, so we’re not saying anything at all. But we both know we’re thinking the same. I know it’s Dad who is getting her down. You can see it in her eyes, like there’s an entire other conversation happening in her head. It’s different from when she seems depressed, because then she’s just quiet and her face is expressionless.

‘Why do you let him treat you like that?’

‘What do you mean?’ she asks, with a sort of puzzled look on her face.

‘Dad, the way he talks to you, hits you, ya know?’

She pauses for a second then looks at me as we walk.

‘One day Judd, you’ll understand. When you’ve loved someone for so long, you’ll do all kinds of things to excuse the way they are. Make up reasons in your head why they’ve changed, but it’s never enough. I love your father, but I’m not in love with him. I can’t do it anymore.’

‘Then, why do you?’ I ask.

‘If I could leave, I would, darling. Things just aren’t the best at the moment, you know, with my job and everything.’

I want to tell her he shouldn’t be able to get away with hitting her and how much I hate seeing her like this, but I don’t. I don’t want to upset her more, and I don’t want her to think about it more than she already does. I put my arm around her as we walk instead.

As I look over at the waves to my left, I see a girl. I only get to see her face for a couple of seconds as she walks past. Her long brown wavy hair is trailing behind her as the wind pushes on her face, her olive skin glistening as the sun shines on her. The light makes the makeup sparkle on her cheeks, and she is beautiful. I look back at her walking away down the beach, then I have to turn and face the other way before my Mom catches me staring. I feel my heart beating heavily, like my body needs extra blood pumped through me to take me out of this trance. Who is she, I wonder, because I live in a small town so most people my age go to my school. I can’t shake the image of her out of my head. Over and over, I see her face as we walk back to the car.

As soon as we get home, I sprint upstairs to my room. I need to draw her face before she slips from my mind. I sit at my desk drawing frantically, trying to get all the details out onto paper, shutting my eyes, reliving those two seconds over and over until I manage to form the outline of her face. In the picture, she’s looking away with her hair trailing behind and I draw her soft lips smiling. As I draw the hands, I imagine what hers would feel like in the spaces between my fingers. How perfectly they would lock into the gaps. I imagine we’re in the photo from Birdsong and I’m kissing her, my body flying away into the sky, like two forces combining together. I know how creepy this all sounds. After all, I only saw her for all of two seconds and I don’t even know who she is. But my brain doesn’t work like most people’s. Well, at least, I think this isn’t how most people’s work. I obsess over moments. Moments are big for me. Why my brain chooses to remember certain ones and ignore others, I’m not sure. This moment must be significant for it to stick so deeply into the corners of my mind. I finish drawing and place this picture on the happy side of my room. Lying on my bed looking at the drawing, I can hear the waves crashing, and I’m so focused on that memory that I no longer feel my body. It’s like I’m floating in the water there with her. Peace is something that I don’t often feel, but in this moment in time, my mind is able to run away from here and sit still for a while.