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I am not prone to moralize

In scientific doubt

On certain facts that Nature tries

To puzzle us about,—

For I am no philosopher

Of wise elucidation,

But speak of things as they occur,

From simple observation.

I notice little things—to wit:—

I never missed a train

Because I didn’t run for it;

I never knew it rain

That my umbrella wasn’t lent,—

Or, when in my possession,

The sun but wore, to all intent,

A jocular expression.

I never knew a creditor

To dun me for a debt

But I was “cramped” or “bu’sted”; or

I never knew one yet,

When I had plenty in my purse,

To make the least invasion,—

As I, accordingly perverse,

Have courted no occasion.

Nor do I claim to comprehend

What Nature has in view

In giving us the very friend

To trust we oughtn’t to.—

But so it is: The trusty gun

Disastrously exploded

Is always sure to be the one

We didn’t think was loaded.

Our moaning is another’s mirth,—

And what is worse by half,

We say the funniest thing on earth

And never raise a laugh:

’Mid friends that love us overwell,

And sparkling jests and liquor,

Our hearts somehow are liable

To melt in tears the quicker.

We reach the wrong when most we seek

The right; in like effect,

We stay the strong and not the weak—

Do most when we neglect.—

Neglected genius—truth be said—

As wild and quick as tinder,

The more you seek to help ahead

The more you seem to hinder.

I’ve known the least the greatest, too—

And, on the selfsame plan,

The biggest fool I ever knew

Was quite a little man:

We find we ought, and then we won’t—

We prove a thing, then doubt it,—

Know everything but when we don’t

Know anything about it.