Читать книгу Lucifer’s Tears - James Thompson - Страница 12

Chapter 9

I’m seeing a psychiatrist named Torsten Holmqvist. I didn’t choose him. The police department assigned me to him. His office is in his home, in the fashionable district of Eira, near embassy row. The house, which he told me he inherited, looks out over the sea and must be worth at least a couple million euros. We sit in big leather chairs, on opposite sides of a glass coffee table. I’ve eschewed his couch.

Torsten is a wealthy Swedish-speaking Finn, and certain mannerisms betray his roots. A casual yet confident way of sitting, an affable comportment and easy laugh that I think feigned. A yellow pullover sweater is draped over his shoulders and loosely knotted in front of his pink button-down shirt. He’s in his fifties, his thick hair combed up and back and hair-sprayed, politician-style, a dignified gray at the temples. He smokes a briar pipe. His aromatic tobacco is apple-scented.

His manner and appearance irritate me, or maybe he’s good at his job and knows how to push my buttons, and that’s why he puts me off. Either way, I’ve been in therapy before, and I didn’t like it then either, but it helped me, so I try and work with him. Besides, I promised Kate I would do this. I’m further agitated because I have a murder to investigate, need to speak to a Finnish hero – now an accused war criminal – and I can’t do either of those things while I’m sitting here.

‘So,’ Torsten says, ‘you assaulted a mentally ill person. Do you consider that a reasonable and responsible action?’

‘He terrified defenseless children – disabled children – it seems entirely reasonable and responsible.’

‘You beat him up and poisoned him.’

‘He’ll get over it.’

‘As a police officer, you know that you can’t rationally defend appointing yourself judge and jury, no matter how reprehensible you found his actions.’

‘Listen,’ I say. ‘If it was a situation involving adults, I would agree with you. But no fucking way I’m letting him get away with ranting a frightening, insane tirade at kids. They might be traumatized. Mentally ill or not, he needed to understand that his actions have consequences.’

‘You don’t seem to have considered the possibility that the young man may have screamed at the children in order to seek punishment.’

He’s right. I hadn’t considered it. ‘I did nothing that, under the circumstances, most men wouldn’t have done.’

‘I wouldn’t have,’ he says. ‘Do you think that reflects on my manhood?’

I sigh. I have no interest in his holier-than-thou attitude.

Torsten lets the question about his manhood go and offers me coffee, makes himself a cup of herbal mint tea. He lights his pipe. I light a Marlboro Red. ‘Would you consider your protective feelings toward children excessive?’ he asks.

‘Is such a thing possible?’ He hates it when I answer his questions with questions.

‘Your answer is an answer in itself. Could we discuss why that might be?’

I look out his bay window at the sea. The harbor isn’t quite frozen solid yet. Chunks of ice float in it. Beyond them, I watch the whitecaps break for a moment. ‘If you like.’

‘Your sister, Suvi, froze and drowned when you were skating on a lake together and the ice broke under her. Your father had placed her under your protection. Do you still think of it often?’

‘Daily.’

‘Yet, your father was on the scene. He was drunk and failed to come to her aid. He was the adult, the caregiver. The blame resides with him.’

I light another cigarette. ‘I blame him, too.’

‘He let your sister die and he beat you as a child. You’ve never expressed hatred for him. Not even anger.’

‘I used to be angry,’ I say, ‘but at a certain point, I grew up and recognized my parents’ humanity. My father is emotionally damaged. His parents beat him far worse than he ever did me.’

‘How do you know? Has he told you?’

Dad’s parents were the antithesis of Mom’s folks – Ukki and Mummo – whom I loved so much. ‘He didn’t have to, some things you don’t have to be told. When we visited them, which wasn’t often, his father – my grandfather – hurt me, too. The atmosphere in the house was morbid. My father’s parents were Lutheran religious fanatics. Laughter was forbidden, and they kicked – literally – us children out of the house for laughing. I can only imagine what they did to him.’

He makes some notes on a pad. ‘Perhaps you’re making excuses for him.’

I look out at the sea again. It comforts me. I say nothing.

‘How is your wife’s pregnancy going?’ he asks.

I’m glad to change the subject. ‘She has preeclampsia, but she has no headaches, visual disturbances or epigastric pain – symptoms that suggest imminent danger – so given the circumstances, it’s going okay.’

‘Could we discuss her miscarriage? You’ve been reticent to do so in the past.’

No, we can’t. I thought I had made that clear to him. ‘I thought we were here to talk about a duty-related incident.’

‘I’m sorry, Kari, but indirectly, we are.’

‘How so?’

‘You’re here because of severe trauma. You pursued the Sufia Elmi investigation – forgive me for imposing my opinion – and it was beyond your emotional ability. You told me that you believe your errors in judgment led to deaths that could have been prevented.’

He’s right. It was beyond my emotional ability. The case taught me several things about myself and life that I don’t like. I found out I’m obsessive and reckless. I discovered that justice doesn’t exist. I solved the crime, but failed all the people involved, including myself. I thought I had escaped my past, but found out that a part of me remained a beaten child who believed he killed his sister.

I picture my ex-wife’s little scorched body. Hairless. Faceless. ‘Facts are facts,’ I say. ‘I fucked up. We’ve covered this ground before.’

‘Yes, but we haven’t covered other related ground. Your wife begged you to recuse yourself from the investigation, but you refused. I’d like you to consider the possibility that you blame yourself for her miscarriage, and that this, more than what you consider your failures during the investigation, is causing you extreme guilt.’

He makes more notes.

For reasons I don’t understand, he’s pissing me off even more than usual. ‘You think you know something about me,’ I say. ‘You think you can manipulate me into some kind of self-revelation, but you don’t and you can’t.’

He looks at me, appraising, and rubs the top of his pen against the side of his head. Another tiny action that seems feigned. He’s careful not to muss his suave politician hair. ‘Why not?’

‘We’re in the same business,’ I say. ‘We look beneath surfaces for the truth. If you’re going to do that with me, you’re going to have to work just a little bit harder, because I see through you.’

He takes a second and sits back in his glossy leather chair, puffs his pipe, sips his mint tea. ‘Please explain.’

‘People are easy to decipher,’ I say. ‘Listen to what’s said on the surface. Ask yourself why they said it. Ask yourself what they didn’t say, then ask yourself why they didn’t say it. When all those questions are answered, the truth becomes evident.’

‘Simplistic perhaps, but nicely put,’ Torsten says.

I feel like reversing our roles and watching his reaction. ‘Let me give you a little lesson about people,’ I say. ‘Look at them as well as listen to them. Check out their hands and their feet. Hands tell a life story. Muscle and scars speak of hard work and usually outdoor life or the lack thereof. The condition of fingernails, whether they’re clean or dirty or well-kept or maybe bitten goes toward self-esteem. The shoes people wear give away their taste, hence self-perception, and usually reveal their socioeconomic status.’

I got him. He tries not to, but he glances at his Gucci loafers, then his thin, lily-white hands and manicured nails. Then he looks at my boots and stubby hands, almost as thick as they are long, and I’m certain he pictures those hands bouncing Vesa Legion Korhonen’s face off the fence in front of Ebeneser School.

A gift box of Fazer chocolates and a bowl of chestnuts with a nutcracker sitting in it, left over from the holidays, rest on the coffee table. I take a nut from the bowl but leave the nutcracker, give it a one-handed squeeze and break it open. He winces. I’m not sure why I intimidated him. I munch the nut, place the shells in a neat pile on the table.

He’s left speechless for a moment, then says, ‘Well done.’

I made him feel like an effeminate fop and a fraud. I feel awful and find myself apologizing twice in the same day. A rarity for me. ‘Shit,’ I say, ‘I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. You didn’t deserve it.’

He nods acknowledgment of my regret.

‘The truth is you’re right,’ I say. ‘I feel terrible guilt because I’m afraid I traumatized my wife to the point that it caused her miscarriage, and I’m terrified that she’ll lose this child, too. I’m scared that she’ll die.’

‘Kate is medicated for the hypertension associated with preeclampsia, the odds of her losing the child are slim. Your child is safe inside her.’

‘The odds aren’t slim enough. The statistics don’t make me less petrified.’

He leans forward and locks eyes with me. For the first time I view him as someone trying to help me instead of as an adversary. ‘Kari,’ he says, ‘I think we’ve made a breakthrough. Our first one. What do you say we start again, and now really begin your treatment.’

I nod.

‘How are your headaches?’ he asks.

‘Bad. A migraine is killing me right now. It hasn’t stopped for weeks.’

‘Describe the symptoms.’

‘They vary. Sometimes my temples pulse and throb. Sometimes it feels like I’m being stabbed deep in the head with a hot knife and an artery is about to explode. Most often though, I feel like my head is being squeezed, like a weight is on me, pushing me to the ground.’

‘This feeling of being stabbed deep in the head is medically impossible, because there are no nerves in that area. If you were about to have an aneurysm, you would never know it.’

I hadn’t thought of that.

‘It’s possible that your migraines are caused by the gunshot wound to your head or another physical problem, but I would like you to consider the possibility that they’re psychosomatic, and that what you’re really experiencing are sublimated panic attacks generated by guilt over your wife’s miscarriage, and consequently, current fear for your wife and unborn child. That might be why the nearer she comes to term, the worse the headaches get.’

‘My headaches are panic attacks that last for weeks?’

‘Possibly. Still, I think you should have tests run to rule out physical problems.’

‘I already promised Kate I would.’

‘Good. Our time is up, and anyway, I think we should call it a day now.’

‘Me too.’

For the first time since our initial meeting, we shake hands.