Читать книгу They Let Me Write a Book!: Jamie’s World - Jamie Curry - Страница 6

‘WELCOME TO JAMIE’S WORLD: I’M PUSHING THE TROLLEY BUT THERE’S NOBODY IN IT TO STEER.’

I THINK I HAVE A HANDLE ON MYSELF NOW, but I don’t really remember when I first knew that I was a person. My earliest memory is probably of being at kindergarten, pushing around this special trolley that had a steering wheel in it. There was nobody inside it, so nobody was steering the wheel. That’s not only my first memory, but my first of many memories where I have done something wrong and embarrassing. Welcome to Jamie’s World: I’m pushing the trolley but there’s nobody in it to steer. That’s got to be a symbol of something for sure. What am I doing? Who am I steering? What’s my plan of attack? Take notes, there will be a quiz at the end.

Invisible friends sitting in trolleys aside, I wasn’t actually the most imaginative of kids. I don’t even think that I had an imagination until I was about eight. The same age I picture myself being able to come up with this book title. Before eight, if you caught me jumping off a box, I’d be saying ‘I’m jumping off this box’ rather than ‘I’m jumping off this rocket ship’. I called a box a box. I wasn’t messing around with ideas and make-believe. But I was happy. I was probably the happiest kid of all time, which I’m sure was very annoying to everyone around me. Nothing has really changed since I was that little kid on a box. Now I just annoy people from a different kind of box.

‘NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED SINCE I WAS THAT LITTLE KID ON A BOX. NOW I JUST ANNOY PEOPLE FROM A DIFFERENT KIND OF BOX.’

DAD’S TAKE

Jamie on that big ball in the sky

‘I think Jamie has always had quite noticeable talents, even from a very young age. I always thought she was going to be a successful athlete. She was extremely coordinated, very good at juggling and doing all of those things. It was very telling that when she was a baby she would look up at the moon and say “ball”.’

Although I may give off the ‘oddball only child yelling about boxes’ kind of vibe, I actually have a younger sister called Tayla. I know that she exists now — well, at least I’m pretty sure — but I don’t remember her ever existing in my childhood. The only memory I have is of her as a baby, when she was chilling in one of those elastic baby rocker things. I would have to restrain myself from pinging it back and making her fling across the room. Aside from that, as far as I’m concerned I was pretty much an only child till I was about six. But don’t tell my sister that. She was probably too busy orbiting the Earth on her post-pinged baby rocker anyway.

I was always good at getting what I wanted as a child. When I was about three, Mum took me to the shops with her. Big mistake. I latched on to a Barney soft toy that I found particularly fetching, and dragged it around the shop with me. Mum tried to get me to put it back so we could leave the shop. I wouldn’t let it go. I tightened my grip like a vice and screamed and screamed. She was left with no choice but to buy me the Barney toy so we could leave the shop and get on with our lives. That’s life lesson number one: seize onto what you want and never, ever let go of it.

‘AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED I WAS PRETTY MUCH AN ONLY CHILD TILL I WAS ABOUT SIX. BUT DON’T TELL MY SISTER THAT.’

Mum took me into a store and I picked up this Barney toy and wouldn’t let it go. Mum had to buy it.

Barney kidnappings aside, our family life is pretty normal. We like to celebrate Christmas in a big group and go on little holidays around the country. We come together in whatever Christmas house has been chosen by the powers that be that year (maybe Santa?). And then we’d have a big shindig that would always end in all of the little kids hiding from the drunk adults and giggling. The best Christmas present I ever got was a scooter when I was five years old. I still believed in the big SC (Santa Claus) back then. I wished so hard for that scooter, and good old Santa came through. Now I just get special car wash soap for Christmas. Oh man, I’m old, aren’t I? Ever just go to sleep as a kid and wake up as an adult getting showered in car wash soap?

‘NOW I JUST GET SPECIAL CAR WASH SOAP FOR CHRISTMAS. OH MAN, I’M OLD, AREN’T I?’

Sometimes over the holidays we go on family trips. Our last one was to the Gold Coast in Australia. We’ve been twice, actually. We just had so much fun the first time that we thought we’d do the exact same trip four years later. We’re an original family. So we hit all the theme parks like Movie World and Dream World. When we went to the theme parks the first time, I was completely invisible. I could just run around, free to not go on any of the rides due to my crippling fear of heights. The dream holiday.

More recently, going back to the same theme parks has been a whole different ordeal. I had to hide myself from people, keeping my head down around anyone under the age of 18 — which is, unfortunately, almost everyone at a theme park. This must be how Mickey Mouse feels when he just wants to wander Disneyland in peace. Just kidding, I didn’t just compare myself to the most famous and recognisable character in the world. There’s no way they would publish that, right? You guys? Don’t put that in.

As well as endlessly returning to the Gold Coast, our family likes to keep up birthday traditions. My mum insists on using the same cake mould every year, which seems like a rip-off because I keep getting bigger but the cakes stay the same size. Again, that’s another perfect example of why eight is the ultimate age. Cakes are still huge for your tiny eyes. Mum would always ask us what colour we wanted the icing, and every single year the colour would come out weird. I asked for purple icing and I always got green. I got a mysterious dark blue cake for my birthday once. It’s just better if you don’t ask questions.

‘MY MUM INSISTS ON USING THE SAME CAKE MOULD EVERY YEAR, WHICH SEEMS LIKE A RIP-OFF BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING BIGGER BUT THE CAKES STAY THE SAME SIZE.’

I love that tradition, almost as much as I love the Denny’s tradition that follows. Every year I get to go to Denny’s on my birthday and order bacon and eggs, curly fries and a grilled cheese. That’s all you need in life: weird-coloured cakes and a huge Denny’s banquet. I’m yet to finish my three-course Denny’s birthday lunch in my nineteen years, but I’ve got at least three more tries before I die of heart disease.

I’ve never been trick-or-treating because my parents thought it was too dangerous — not like letting your daughter talk to ten million people on the Internet without a clue what she’s doing or saying, and then even letting her write a book. I remember once we found some eyeliner and went nuts drawing rings around our eyes and filling in our lips. Our aunty let us sit in the back of her van and drove around with us ghouls just staring out the window at people. That one-off event was probably scarier for everyone else in our town than all the Halloweens put together.

So yeah, my childhood was pretty bog standard. Aside from the terrifying van window displays. Oh, and the magpies that would attack us when we went to the mailbox. There was nothing standard about that — the local magpies got so aggressive that we would have to wear helmets to get the mail in the morning. Eventually, I domesticated a magpie of my own and called it Magz, but the rest of them were vicious creatures. I’ve been pecked in the head by magpies so many times, it’s no wonder I’ve turned out like this.

‘I’VE NEVER BEEN TRICK-OR-TREATING BECAUSE MY PARENTS THOUGHT IT WAS TOO DANGEROUS — NOT LIKE LETTING YOUR DAUGHTER TALK TO TEN MILLION PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET.’

Magpies or not, I still spent a lot of time running around outside. My sister and I would make up all sorts of pretty dangerous games to pass the time — there’s not a heck of a lot to do in Napier, New Zealand. We would stand our trampoline on its side, cover it in soapy water and see who could climb up to the top the fastest. When it got really windy, we’d race outside with umbrellas and roller skates and let the wind drag us down the driveway like Mary Poppins. I’m surprised I didn’t get more head injuries growing up ... or maybe I did …

‘WHEN IT GOT REALLY WINDY, WE’D RACE OUTSIDE WITH UMBRELLAS AND ROLLER SKATES AND LET THE WIND DRAG US DOWN THE DRIVEWAY LIKE MARY POPPINS.’