Читать книгу I Need You - Jane Lark - Страница 8

Billy

“You’re sure everything is squared off with the hospital, Lind. You’ve got your meds…”

She nodded, but she was scaring me, her hands trembled as I took her case and put it in the back of the SUV, next to my surfboard.

Her dad stood on their porch, in his uniform; it meant he’d ducked off work to come back and say goodbye to her. He watched us, like he didn’t want her to go.

He certainly wouldn’t want her to go if he knew the truth. But he didn’t. No one did except me and Lindy.

I hadn’t seen her Mom. That was weird because she didn’t work. I’d have thought she’d have come outside to say a final goodbye to Lindy.

“Is that everything?” I asked. Lindy nodded, her blue eyes glittering with tears.

“No, I forgot my purse.” She turned away and ran back up the path into the house.

This was weird.

I slipped my hands into my pants pockets as Mr. Martin came down.

“If she wants to come home, you’ll bring her back right away?”

“Yeah.” Of course I would.

“Well, you look out for her. She’s my girl, and she’s all I’ve got.”

“Yeah, Mr. Martin.” He knew I’d been hanging around her a lot last fall; he knew we’d been friends for years. I bet he wondered why I’d stopped hanging around and why we hadn’t spoken for months. I was glad he didn’t know.

Lindy came hurrying back out of the house, her purse swinging in her hand.

“Did you say good-bye to Mom?” Her dad asked.

“Yeah.” She hugged him, firmly. He kissed her hair.

The guy had scared the hell out of me when I was kid, but now all his scariness looked hollow. Lindy had hurt him when she’d chosen to press the eject button. He looked in pain. That was a new look for Mr. Martin.

“You’ll call me if anything happens, Dad, won’t you? Don’t wait. I’d hate not to get back…”

What was it with getting back? We hadn’t even gone yet. I suppose her family must be cautious now, though. Maybe they didn’t trust her not to try it again. I’d have to watch her when we were away.

Her dad nodded. Tears shining in his eyes. Hell, I’d never thought I’d see that.

I turned away and got in the SUV. I didn’t think he’d welcome me watching him, but in the side mirror, I saw him give her a kiss on the cheek. Then he walked her to the passenger door, opened it and held it while she climbed in.

He shut it only after she’d settled and pulled her seatbelt over.

I pushed the button so the window went down and they could talk.

My abs gripped tight with nerves and my belly rumbled. I hadn’t eaten this morning. I was too nervous about how this was gonna go down. My forearm rested on the wheel, the leather braid hanging loose on my wrist. That thing was so much a part of who I was.

My fingers started tapping on the dashboard.

“Ready?” she asked.

I looked over at her. Her dad stepped back from the window as she looked at me.

Shit, she probably thought me tapping the dashboard had been telling her dad to hurry up. It wasn’t. It was just a habit.

My other hand gripped the gear shift.

I was ready, though. I wanted to get away from her house. There was a ton of bad energy coming from it. I could feel it everywhere in the air around her.

I smiled and slipped my arm off the wheel. “Yeah. Mr. Martin.”

She looked at him. “I’ll call you when we get there and I’ll call you every night. I promise. Don’t worry about me. You’ll make me feel guilty if you do. And tell Mom I love her… I’m really sorry.”

“Honey…” He came forward again and leaned in through the window to grip her hand. “Your mother understands. She’s not angry, or hurt, or anything. She just wants you to be okay.”

Lindy nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks.

No matter how nervous I was. Or how awkward it felt. This was right. She needed to get out of here for a while.

“I’ll be okay,” she whispered. “But I feel selfish. Good-bye.” She leaned and kissed his cheek. Then her dad stepped back and finally we could go.

My heart started pumping on hyper-drive, as I slid the gear shift down and pulled away, super- cautious not to over rev the engine with her dad watching.

I glanced at her as I drove up the street. “Did you eat or are we stopping for breakfast?”

She looked at me, a broken heart in her eyes, tears tracking down her cheeks. She wiped them away with a sniff. “Sorry, I’m going to try and not be bad company. But I don’t want to eat. I’m not hungry. How long is it gonna take to get there?”

“A couple of hours.” I looked back at the road. “We can settle in, then get lunch.”

She laughed, a low half-choking sound that was almost a sob. “I forgot how hungry you get. You can stop for breakfast if you want…”

I threw her a smile. “Sorry, you’ll have to accommodate my appetite. I don’t eat like a bird like you do, but I can wait ‘til lunch.”

She’d fed me and Jason through most of our college years. In the shared apartment we’d had. The couple and the spare-part best friend––three had definitely been a crowd. But I’d still hung around them. I bet people had thought it weird.

I was weird.

Fucking crazy!

I’d always wondered if Jason knew. But he hadn’t said anything the other night when we’d got everything out in the open. I figured he’d have said something then if he’d known.

“I can’t believe you still wear that thing.” She leaned over and flicked the leather bracelet as my hand gripped the wheel.

How the hell did she not know?

I glanced at her, giving her a twisted, guilty smile, as something hard grabbed my heart. “Yeah.”

“I made you that years ago.”

“I’m just lazy, I can’t be bothered to cut it off.” I let a fake sound of amusement slip from my throat, acting as if it was nothing––like I had every other time she’d mentioned it.

She’d made it at high school. It had been the thing all the girls were doing at the time, braiding these silly leather bracelets and threading beads into them. It was before she’d been seeing Jason. We’d been fifteen.

Yeah, I had been wearing it that long. Pining over a girl that wasn’t mine.

But shit I can still remember the feel of her gentle fingers touching me as she’d tied it off, and it had done stuff to my cock. I’d liked her before, but that was the day she’d got me. It was like her fingers had touched my heart too. I’d had this burning need for her ever since.

I should cut the thing off.

I glanced over at her. Her hands were in her lap and she stared ahead. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was too anxious to hold a meaningless conversation and I didn’t want to quiz her, ‘cause I was taking her away to forget all the stuff that made her feel bad.

I said a few things and she answered, but then I couldn’t think of anything to add. She said some things and I nodded, not knowing what to say back.

In the end we were quiet most of the drive.

I was relieved when I finally pulled up in the apartments’ parking lot on the coast.

“Wow, this is nice.”

The ocean rolled up onto the miles of beach before the parking lot. This place just calmed me. I’d come here the summer we’d left high school and it had been the best therapy. This beach and the ocean was my psychiatrist. I’d come back every summer since.

I hoped it was gonna work for her too.

I freed the door and as it opened the sound of the ocean swept into the SUV.

I looked at Lindy.

She was wide-eyed, watching the beach.

“Let’s go get our keys. I’ll get our stuff later.”

She looked at me, uncertainty creeping into her eyes, but she nodded.

I wanted to grip her hand as we walked across the parking lot. There was a whole minefield of protective energy bubbling around inside me. But it had blown up in my face before. I was steering clear of too much touching.

The thing with Lindy was she was so tiny it made me want to just put my arms around her and wrap her up. She was like a precious, breakable doll, five-two, to my six-one.

I glanced over at her. The ocean breeze flicked her wavy blonde hair against the curve of her cheek.

Her fingers tucked her hair behind her ear.

I’d wanted to do that for her. There was a hard need to touch her in my belly. But I’d spent years ignoring that instinct. That was nothing new.

She didn’t look at me. She looked ahead at the apartment block.

She’d won beauty pageants as a kid. Her Mom had been into all that shit, driving her to loads of contests and Lindy did have the look for that sort of thing, perfect symmetry.

At high school she’d been full of confidence. At college that had died for some reason.

She glanced at me, her blue eyes seeming bluer under the clear sky.

“I’ve ordered adjacent places, is that okay? I can ask them to change them if you want?”

“No, that’s okay.” She nodded.

The apartments were stacked and set out in rows spread along the edge of the beach. The guy at the desk said ours were on the top floor. The place was something between a hotel, a motel and cabins, and the rooms ‘slash’ apartments were accessed via a long hallway, with stairs at either end of the block.

When we got up there, I slid the card key through the lock, then stepped back and shoved the door open for her to go in. “You can have this one.”

It had a small kitchen and a sofa that turned into a bed. But most importantly, at the end of the room was a big window that looked out on the ocean. It had a balcony too.

“I’ll go get your stuff.” I left her in her room. But before I went back down to the SUV, I went into mine.

Shit. I combed a hand through my hair, then realized I’d fucked it up, and rubbed it so it spiked again.

It was going to be a hell of a couple of weeks.

I walked over and slid the glass door to the balcony back, letting in the soothing sound of the ocean. It pulled me outside.

Lindy stood out there, on her balcony, gripping the wooden rail and looking at the ocean. I turned my back on it and rested my butt against the rail. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just taking in the air.”

“Look, Lind––”

“I’m not in the mood to talk.”

Well, there was probably nothing I could say that would make anything better anyway. “I’ll go get our things.”

I dumped mine in my room, then went round to her door and knocked. She opened it, but stood there, stopping me from going in.

“Here you are.” I dropped her case and backpack just inside the door. “Are you ready for something to eat? We could walk downtown and then walk along the beach if you want?” I leaned against the door jamb, watching her, waiting on her answer.

I’d spent hours in this position, on the border to Lindy’s and Jason’s bedroom at college, talking to one or the other.

“Yeah, I can unpack later.” She turned away, knocking the door open wider, before walking back into her room.

I stayed where I was. “Did you call your dad to say we got here okay?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s okay with it?”

She turned, her eyes flashing impatience, a little of the real Lindy shining through the dark clouds hanging over her. Like a beam of intense sunlight catching me off-guard and blinding me.

“He may be a cop, but he doesn’t order me about. I’m twenty-two. I can do whatever.”

Yep, she could. When she was herself, she always did whatever she wanted, with a just-deal-with-it attitude. That attitude had made Jason go silent. He’d always let her have her way.

I lifted my weight off the door frame.

“You ready to go then?”

“Yeah.”

When she came out of the room, my hand hovered behind her. I had no need to touch her; it would have been strange to do it and yet it felt strange walking down the hall not touching her.

Lindy barely came to my shoulder.

I’d picked her up once or twice, messing around, and she was as light as anything. So frickin’ tiny.

Her thick blond hair flowed in waves about her shoulders as she moved. My hand itched to touch that. Literally.

Crap.

I lifted my hand to touch her shoulder. I didn’t. Instead I slipped my hands into the back pockets of my pants to keep them tamed.

The way out from our apartments was a wide wooden staircase, leading down from the third floor.

The view was amazing, the beach and ocean stretching into the distance. I breathed the salt air in. It felt good. Like it healed.

“Wow.” She smiled at me.

I hoped the healing would work for her. “Just being by the coast always makes me feel different, better somehow, lifts the weight off my shoulders––”

“What weight have you got on your shoulders?” Yep, the old snappy Lindy was coming back.

I didn’t answer, and that killed the conversation.

But, it wasn’t really the old Lindy. It was just the pre-overdose Lindy. College Lindy. That wasn’t the girl I’d fallen for originally. She’d been pushy and self-confident at high school… but not snappy and not the bitch she could be at times. Those elements had slipped in while we were at college.

We didn’t talk much the rest of the way into town, but we’d been friends long enough that our friendship could take silence.

When we got there, though, we wasted half an hour arguing over which restaurant to stop in.

She wasn’t hungry. I was ravenous.

In the end we chose a place that did the salad she wanted and a huge portion of fried chicken that would do me.

She was quiet again when we sat down.

“What do you wanna do this afternoon?”

Her head came up. She’d been looking at her food, but not eating much of it. Her gaze hit mine. “You said we’d go for a walk along the beach.”

“Well, I just wanted to check that’s what you want, Lind. You haven’t said much; you might’ve just wanted to go back and be on your own.”

“I didn’t come here to be on my own, did I? I could be on my own at home.” There was sore-headed Lind again. The bitch.

I took a breath, to call her out––

“So you and Jason have patched everything up. Are you buddies again?”

That’s why she’d been quiet. She’d been spinning that around in her head.

I wondered how it made her feel. Betrayed by him? And then betrayed by me? But I was friends with Jason again, and I wanted to be his friend. I wasn’t gonna change that even if she asked me to. “Yes.” I lifted an eyebrow, waiting on her judgment.

“So everything’s forgotten?”

Not everything. “Lind, don’t. I like him. He’s been like a brother most of my life. I want him around.” A brother whose girl I’ve wanted to fuck for years, but hey.

Her lips compressed as anger flashed in her eyes, but she didn’t vent it at me.

Looking down at her salad, she stabbed a piece of chicken with her fork. Maybe she imagined it as part of Jason’s anatomy––or mine.

“Have you seen it?”

“It?”

“The baby?”

“The baby is called Saint, and, yeah, I went ‘round to Jason’s parents’ one night this week, before we went for a drink, and saw Rach and the kid.”

“Saint’s a stupid name.” She stabbed a piece of tomato.

Annoyance and exasperation rippled inside me as I took a bite out of a piece of fried chicken.

This is what I needed to fix for her. I hadn’t only brought her here to get her away. I wanted to smash open this fucking ball of anger she wrapped herself up in. It had been there for years, but not when we were kids. It wasn’t who she was, it was what she’d become. The only way she’d be happy was to be who she’d been at high school. I had no idea why she’d changed.

I leaned back, watching her. “The baby isn’t going anywhere when we go back, you know. It’s you who has to learn to live with Rach and Saint in the town, and Jason being with them. Not the other way around.”

She glared at me, standing up and dropping her fork on the tray. Then without a word she turned and walked out.

Cool, we’d been here a couple of hours and we’d clashed already. I pulled some dollar bills out of my pocket and left them on the table to get the check, then followed her.

She’d headed toward the beach. I ran to catch up with her and grabbed her feeble little bicep to stop her. Then made her turn and look at me.

“I said I’d get you away, give you chance to breathe out here. But I’m not gonna lie to you, Lind, or put up with your bad moods. I’m not Jason. Don’t expect me to just let you bite. I’ll bite back.”

I wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t know. At college we’d had some really loud arguments. The neighbors had bashed on the wall a few times to shut us up. I’d never put up with her shit like Jason did, and she knew it. We were both fire and we’d flare quick and fast at each other.

Jason––he was calm, cooling water.

But we’d always been okay when the air cleared, and if she’d had problems and needed to talk, or just moan and shout, she’d always come to me, not him… Cause Jason would either have a solution or walk away from an argument and sometimes people like us just needed to shout.

I sighed, letting her go. My fingers lifted and ran through my hair. Shit. I ruffled it when I remembered I’d knocked it flat.

Her coming to me had been the beginning of how everything had got messed up between us. A year ago, when Jason had gone to New York to live and left her behind… It had been the first time he’d stood up to her and not just done what she wanted. She’d hated that. So who had she come to, to moan and shout about it? Me.

She turned away and started walking again, her movement stiff with anger.

“You’re gonna have to get over him!” I called after her, following.

She headed on down to the beach. I followed a dozen steps behind her, my fingers now in my front pockets.

Maybe this had been a stupid idea…

I held back a bit more, to give her some space, and let her go on ahead alone and storm her anger out. She’d calm down soon.

When I sauntered onto the beach a while after I’d seen her walk down there, I spotted her about two hundred yards on. She’d taken her shoes off and held them in her hand, and she was heading toward the ocean.

The sand worked its way into my sneakers. I stopped and toed them off, then carried on, holding them in my hand. My feet sank in the warm sand. The air was way cooler than the sand. But the sun’s heat seeped into the ground while the breeze from the cold ocean stopped the air feeling so warm.

Lindy was a silhouette in the distance, outlined by the waves rolling in.

I hit the compact, flat, wet sand. It oozed under my feet. The tide was out, so I was still a long way off where she stood.

When I caught her up, she was looking at the last ripples of the waves wash over her bare feet.

She stepped back a couple of paces with a little run, dodging a higher one as I got near her.

“Hey.”

She walked into the ripples of a different low wave, ignoring me.

She didn’t look angry anymore, just thoughtful, like not only had she walked away, but her mind had left me behind.

That was my problem. She was on my mind constantly and I think I was hardly ever on hers. “Lind?”

She glanced at me, her eyes really blue out here where the sky and ocean reflected in them.

I gripped her arm gently, so she couldn’t run away from this again. “I’m sorry, but that’s it now. He’s never gonna come back to you. He’s got a new life. You’ve got to move on too.” I was glad she didn’t try to pull loose or look away. “I’ve got you away from there. You’ve got two weeks. But in these two weeks, Lind, you’ve got to let him go. For your sake, not his, or anyone else’s. Because you need to start your life over without Jason.”

She didn’t answer.

Shit. A wave rolled in, a lot bigger than the last. It washed right at us, sweeping up and swilling about our legs, over our jeans, coming over my knees and even higher. The water was freezing, like bathing in firckin’ ice.

Lindy screamed, trying to rush backwards, but stumbling, just as I felt the ocean dragging the sand out from beneath my feet, sucking it away as the wave headed back out.

With my shoes gripped in one hand, I only had the other to save her. I caught her arm but she’d lost balance. She went down, tumbling into the water as it pulled away, dragging the wet sand from all around her, pulling it down the beach and out toward the ocean.

She laughed and grabbed my arm, then pulled on me to get up. But I was off-balance too, as the sand got dragged out from under my feet…

“Shit.”

I landed on my hip, on the far side of her, my legs all tangled up with hers as the water swilled away, leaving us there like a couple of fish flapping on the sand.

She still laughed, her head on the ground, her hair in the sand. It was a laugh-or-cry moment for her. I was glad she’d chosen laughter. I hadn’t heard her laugh for months.

As much as we’d used to shout at each other in college we’d used to laugh a lot too. We always used to piss Jason off when we’d be arguing one minute and then laughing the next. This was us. This was how we were.

The girl was meant for me.

Why the fuck had she never been able to see it?

She needed my fire, like I needed hers.

She looked at me, her head turning as she stopped laughing.

I smiled when her blue eyes looked right into me and my fingers stroked her sticky, salty, damp hair from her forehead. “Two weeks, Lind. Promise me? Two weeks to mourn him, then let him go, and go back and make a life for yourself without him.” I didn’t expect her to pick me instead. We’d travelled that road and it hadn’t worked out…

If she was ever gonna be into me, she’d have known it by now. But I was into her and I couldn’t bear to see her hurting. It had to end, and if I could do nothing else for her, then I’d get her over it and help her start again.

But fuck, it was going to hurt me once she’d pulled herself together and moved on to someone else.

I sat up. “Damned sneaker waves!”

“If that was a sneaker it was a wimp…” She laughed as she sat up too.

“I’m not on about that one…” There was another one coming in, a huge one.

“Ahh,” she screamed, but she laughed as she struggled to get up.

It rolled in at a fast pace, foaming and frothing, we were on our feet, but it crashed into us, coming up to my waist.

I caught her up off her feet, gripping her in one arm, and stepping off the shifting sand as it tried to drag us with it, while holding my sneakers up above the water.

When the wave swept back out, I got us away from the water and set her on her feet.

“Oh my God.” Her laughter turned to horror as she caught her breath, looking at me, her shoes lifting to point at me. “You look a mess––”

“So do you.” I lifted one brow at her.

“Oh my God, my hair…” Her hand touched it. “We better go back.”

Our jeans clung like a second skin and the white sleeveless tee Lindy had on beneath her open sweater had me swallowing. Every contour of her stomach and chest was visible through the translucent cotton, as well as the pale-pink lacy bra her nipples showed through. She’d be freezing when the shock wore off.

Shit. I looked up, then laughed. Her hair was matted with salt and sand, and stuck to her head in rats’ tails.

Her shoes hit my shoulder. “Don’t laugh at me!”

I still laughed. “Come on. You need a shower. You’re all sandy.”

“You douche,” she said as she turned away.

Lindy

“Two weeks to mourn him, then let him go, and go back and make a life for yourself.”

I sighed, Billy was right. I knew that.

I let the water run over my head as I rinsed my hair under the shower.

Forget him.

I wish I could.

I wish my heart wasn’t empty. I wish my soul didn’t feel like I was dead and in Hell. I longed to let Jason go, because then maybe I could feel like a whole person again, not like someone with an arm cut off. Not like discarded trash.

But forgetting Jason was hard when I hurt so much and I’d needed someone. He was meant to be here. To help me.

My tears mingled with the water from the shower. I’d cried every day for months. I wanted to stop crying. But how could I get over him? How could I work out what to do without him?

We lived in a small town. I walked past his shop all the time and saw the girl he’d dumped me for with him, standing where I used to. A constant reminder that I wasn’t good enough.

Leaning back against the tiles, I let the tears come and the water wash them away. Then I slid down to the floor, sitting with my knees bent, my hands gripping in my hair, as hurt roared through me.

Why was life so unfair? Why did all this have to happen to us? Why had Jason let me down when I’d needed him?

I needed him…

I wish someone would take this pain away.

That was why I’d taken the pills. Because the pain in my head was too much.

But that had been unfair––selfish and mean. I hadn’t been thinking properly.

Mom.

I was a coward. She wasn’t. She was brave and I loved her so much.

My cell rang. I’d heard a couple of texts arrive earlier.

I didn’t know how long I’d been in the shower.

Whoever was calling hung up.

But a moment later my cell started ringing again.

I got up, not hurrying, and turned off the shower. By the time I’d wrapped a towel around me, to hide my body so I didn’t have to see it in the mirror as I passed it, my cell rang for the fourth time. I caught up another towel and wrapped it around my hair.

Something thumped the door of my room. I’d guess the side of Billy’s fist.

“Lindy! Are you in there! Answer! You’re scaring the fuck out of me! How long does it take to have a fricking shower! Lind! Lind! Are you okay?”

I hurried across the apartment and shouted through the door, “I’m just putting on my makeup, give me a minute.”

“I’ll wait!”

I hurried back into the bathroom, unzipped my makeup purse and began applying foundation.

“Lind, come on!” Billy shouted after a while.

I stroked the mascara brush up my eyelashes one last time.

“Lind!” He bashed the door again as I pulled out my lip gloss.

“Wait!” My hand shook as I painted the lipgloss on.

When I opened the door he was just about to bash it again, and the side of his fist came flying at me, I fell back, leaning out of the way. Instead of hitting me, his hand grabbed my arm.

“You okay?” His eyes and his voice were loaded with concern.

He smelt good. He had on a clean white tee, that stretched tight across his chest, hugging all his muscular contours.

Billy always looked good, even on the beach earlier, when he’d been covered in sand and salt.

“Lind, I thought… I’m not saying what I thought…” I knew what he’d thought; he didn’t have to say it. He’d thought I’d taken an overdose.

“I was just having a shower.”

My new guilt complex poked a finger in my ribs. We were good friends. I’d loved him like a brother for years, and I guess he felt the same about me. I lifted up onto my toes and hugged him. The guy had taken two weeks off to bring me here, and paid, and planned it all. Tears slipped out.

Billy stood outside my room, so technically I was in the hall, in a towel sobbing, with my arms wrapped around his neck.

He lifted me up, like I was nothing. His massive biceps like bars around me, and carried me into the room three paces before shutting the door with his heel.

He put me down then, his big hands bracing my head, and then he kissed my temple. It was a protective gesture. I’d scared him.

His fingers splayed on my cheeks as he looked into my eyes.

I liked his eyes. They were always warm, they were dark blue, but there was heat in them. The guy had always been the complete opposite of Jason.

“I’m allowing this,” he said, “because this is your mourning time, but you’re gonna have to stop crying in seven days, and you are definitely gonna have to carry your cell at all times. You scared the crap out of me.”

I knew. He’d hugged me back fiercely.

His hands dropped. “Do you want me to get lost until you’re dressed?”

“No, stay. I’ll get my stuff and change in the bathroom. You can talk to me around the door.” I didn’t want to be alone.

I valued his friendship. I’d lost touch with all my girlfriends the summer we’d left high school because everything in my life had changed and I’d turned to Jason. I’d spent every moment with him, and Billy had become mine and Jason’s shared possession. He could be relied on for anything.

I grabbed my clothes up from the bed I’d pulled out from the sofa.

He hadn’t answered.

I glanced back.

An odd expression twisted his lips, but he smiled. “Okay. I’ll wait out here.” He turned away and headed toward the balcony. “What do you want to do once you’re ready?”

“I’d like to go back to the beach!” I headed into the bathroom. “The air down by the ocean felt good. There was so much energy in it. We can paddle now you’ve got your cargo shorts on.”

“I’d have thought you’d have had enough of the ocean?”

I pushed the bathroom door up so there was only a narrow crack we could talk around.

“I don’t mind splashing around in the shallows! I hate swimming in the ocean, though! It scares me! You never know what’s beneath the water and if the seaweed wraps around my legs I think it’s something horrible!”

“Then I guess you’re not gonna want to go surfing with me? I was gonna take you out on my board.”

“Since when did you learn to surf?” I looked up, avoiding the reflection of my ass in the mirror as I slipped my panties on, without taking the towel off. My heart pounded. I hated seeing myself in mirrors. Scratch that. I just hated myself. I hated my face and I detested my body.

“I learned here, the summer we left high school. I’ve come out here every year since. Believe me, it’s awesome. Just sitting out there letting the waves swill under you, until the right one comes along, and then you fly…”

I hadn’t even known he’d been out here. But the summer we’d left high school, I’d had other things on my mind. Like Mom. And last summer Jason had decided that what he really wanted to do was leave me behind and go fulfill some dream I’d never heard of before.

“Don’t worry, we’ll go paddling and jump the waves like little kids.”

I faced the mirror once my body was hidden under my clothes. The makeup mask I’d painted on my face looked back at me. I looked okay. I think I’d managed to hide the fact I’d been crying but I was overly pale. . My skin could do with some sunshine. I’d hardly gone out of the house for months.

“What’s taking you so long?”

“I’ve got to dry my hair.”

“Lind, you’re going down by the ocean, it’s salty and damp. Forget your hair.”

“No way! I am not looking ugly just ‘cause I’m gonna be walking on a beach.”

“Believe me, you did not look ugly in that towel combo…”

I laughed, though the sound only came from my throat not my soul. Billy was vibrant, full of talk, and a just-do-it attitude… I really did like all those things about him. Jason had always been more silent, thoughtful and hesitant. I really did need Billy’s company to get me out of my shell and over Jason.

He didn’t say anything else as I finished getting ready, and if he had said anything when I turned on the hairdryer I wouldn’t have heard.

When I came out of the bathroom, he still stood out on the balcony.

“Hey.”

He turned and his gaze dropped to my bare feet, then ran up my legs, over my mini-skirt and up to my face. “Sorry.”

I frowned. What did he have to be sorry for?

He stepped forward. “Come on, then, let’s go jump some little bitty waves.” His hand lifted.

I held it for a moment, but then let go. “Is there a pool somewhere outdoors?”

“Yeah, there’s a pool.”

“Cool, I’ll swim when we go to the pool. I like swimming outdoors, but in a place where there’s no seaweed and fish.”

“Wimp,” he said, as I slipped my sandals on. “Swimming in the ocean is exhilarating… You could swim in a pool back home.” There was a breathless sound of excitement in his voice. Billy was all about energy rushes, exercising, discovering, danger––full-on intensity no matter what he did. When we were at college just watching him wore me out.

“You okay?”

I smiled. “Yeah.”

“Come on, then.”

Billy

My chest was hollow. There was no fucking air in the room. Lindy had on a little denim mini skirt that was frayed at the hem, and the flowery camisole thing she wore with it had tiny little straps that could be slipped off her shoulders so easily, and it hung loose over her breasts, just begging me to do that.

She’d called me a douche on the beach; I was a douche. I was so sickeningly hungry for a girl I couldn’t have.

It looked like she was wearing a pale-peach bikini top underneath the camisole, and I imagined my hand slipping inside that to cup her soft breast.

You are sick, Billy.

She picked up a sweater with a zipper and turned to go ahead of me out of the room. My gaze dropped to her legs. She had good legs. She was short but perfectly proportioned, like a little blonde Barbie doll.

Hunger gripped hard in my gut.

Great. It was going to be a long painful, pitiful two weeks.

Her fingers shook as she unlocked the catch on the door. That had my lust subsiding and love and friendship taking over. I just wanted to protect her… and that included from me.

I got the door and held it open as she walked out. Then, like before, I walked along beside her, with my hands in my pockets to keep them off of her. But this time we did talk.

She asked me about work, about my clients, and then asked me who I kept in contact with from college, that led to us reminiscing as we walked along the shore, while the ocean waves rolled up, rippling over our bare feet, as we carried our shoes.

It was nice… But it felt false, because the guilt inside me kept burning. Lindy looked vulnerable and heartbroken, walking next to me, swilling her feet in the frothing water, and brushing her toes through the shifting sand, her head down and her voice quiet.

She was sad. But at least now she was trying not to be trapped in it.

We’d walked the whole length of the beach when I looked at my watch and saw it was gone six. I suggested we walked back up to the town and looked for somewhere to eat. She looked at me for the first time in hours and nodded.

We found a seafood restaurant and sat inside out of the breeze to eat.

The conversation lapsed into silence a couple of times, but it was an easier silence.

My guilt kept poking me, though, like someone jabbing a finger.

When we’d finished eating, I said, “Shall we order another drink and go and sit outside? Then we can watch the sunset.”

She nodded at me. Her eyes looked a little glassy from the drink. She’d had two large glasses of wine, and now she’d moved on to a cocktail.

“Come on, then.” We got a table right at the edge of the terrace. No one was sitting around us, as the ocean breeze was cold.

She pulled her sweater around her a bit more. “I know what you thought this afternoon.”

I looked at her, my grip tightening on the beer bottle. We’d been avoiding serious subjects, dancing around them, but I was taking my lead from her. If she wanted to talk serious things that was okay. I lifted an eyebrow at her.

“You thought I’d taken an overdose again or done something else when I was in the shower.”

I let go of my beer, reached over and embraced her small hand, that lay on the table.

Her blue eyes looked into mine.

“I’m not going to do it again, Billy. It was a mistake. A moment of weakness. I hurt people. I am not going to hurt them again. You don’t need to worry. I’m just sorry you got mixed up in it. Sorry I scared you.”

“You already said sorry…” My fingers squeezed hers as my guilt punched at me rather than poked. It was me who needed to apologize. “Lind…” This was touching an untouchable subject, but I couldn’t spend two weeks with her and not say it. “I…” God I needed to get a pair of balls. “What happened in the fall––”

Her hand pulled free from mine and she leaned back in her chair, taking her drink with her, her big eyes staring at me.

I took a breath. “It’s me who owes you an apology. I know you didn’t want it to happen.” Her forehead screwed up. She didn’t want to talk about it, but we had to. “All you wanted was someone to hold you and I took it too far.”

Dual tears rolled down her cheeks and she sipped her drink, her gaze dropping to the table. She shut her eyes, like she could just make me disappear and not listen.

But I carried on. I had to say this. I needed to get it out. “I’m sorry. I feel like… I forced you into it.”

Her eyes opened and she leaned forward, setting her drink down. “Do we have to talk about this?” She still wasn’t looking at me.

“Yeah. I’m living with it and I can’t stand it. I want to put things straight. I’m sorry. Now I’ve thought about it, I feel like I raped you.”

She glanced up at me, pain in her eyes. Now I couldn’t look at her. My head dropped and I sipped my beer, shame slashing a knife at my chest.

I’d had a drink that night, we both had. Jason had gone to New York a couple of months before. She’d gone out with me, to talk, and we’d been talking but I drove her out to the lake and parked up, to keep talking before I took her home. She’d got upset and turned to hug me, her arms hanging around my neck.

She’d wanted comfort, that’s all, but I’d had a drink and I’d read it wrong, and my form of comfort had been to kiss her.

She’d answered it, she’d been in a mess over Jason, she’d been hurting, she’d needed someone, and she’d accepted me.

She’d had on a short loose skirt and my hand had roamed where it shouldn’t have gone, sliding up her thigh, then I’d I gripped her shoulders and tipped her backwards so we were both lying down… I’d taken it way too far. She hadn’t stopped me. I wish she had stopped me. She just hadn’t said anything, and let me do it.

With my beer-fogged head, I’d carried on…

The look in her eyes had haunted me for all the months we hadn’t been talking. She’d stared at me, just lying there, waiting for me to finish.

I’d been an ass. She hadn’t said no, but she hadn’t said yes either.

When we’d finished, or when I had finished––she hadn’t taken any part in it. She’d sat up, with tears running down her cheeks. When I drove her home, she’d cried all the way back into town. Then she’d jumped out the SUV as fast as she could, and run into her house.

When I’d seen her the next time, neither of us had acknowledged what happened. We had never spoken about it. Not that night and not since. We’d just carried on pretending it hadn’t happened.

But it had happened.

The only time it had been mentioned was when Jason threw it at her that he knew. Apparently she’d talked to his cousin about it, and his cousin had told Rachel. Ever since then I’d been wondering what she’d told his cousin. The more I’d thought about that night, since then, the guiltier I’d got. Why hadn’t she said no? She hadn’t enjoyed it; she hadn’t wanted to do it…

“You didn’t,” Lindy whispered.

I looked up.

The onyx centers at the heart of her blue eyes were huge. She shook her head, disgust gripping her expression.

I didn’t blame her. I was disgusted with myself. But I was facing up to this. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the table. “I am sorry, and I told Jason the other night that it was all me. You weren’t unfaithful to him, you were just looking for someone to hold you and I took it too far…”

More tears rolled onto her cheeks as her gaze fell. She wiped them away as her eyes shut. But then they opened and her head came up, anger burned there, accusing me. “Why the hell did you tell him? It’s none of his business! Why did you talk about it?”

“I…” Because that was what I thought you’d want––for Jason to know the truth.

“You shouldn’t have said anything to him!”

She stood up, drank the last of her cocktail and thrust the empty glass down on the table, then turned away. “I’m going down to the beach.”

Shit.

I left my beer and headed inside to settle the check so I could follow.