Читать книгу All a Man Is - Janice Kay Johnson - Страница 13

CHAPTER THREE

TWO DAYS LATER, they were moved into the duplex, a huge relief to Julia after the aeon she and the kids had spent trapped together, first in the car and then the hotel room. At least with three bedrooms, each of them had a refuge. She would have been ashamed to admit to anyone else how grateful she was for the hours Matt usually spent holed up in his bedroom.

The one drawback was that the kids’ bikes arrived on the moving truck along with the furniture, and now that he had wheels, she couldn’t think of a good reason to forbid Matt from disappearing to who knew where.

Thank heavens for the positives she was able to cling to as the first week in their new home went on. Number one, of course, was Alec. He was there. Eating with them every evening, quietly interceding with Matt, teasing Liana, giving Julia a sounding board. He was everything she’d wanted Josh to be, and while making a comparison like that disturbed her, she was too grateful for Alec’s solid presence to let herself dwell on whether she was a dreadful person for contrasting him with Josh.

Second, Matt had yet to pull anything awful, like get drunk or be caught shoplifting, or even get into a fight. He wasn’t exactly a delight, but she was letting herself hope, if only a tiny bit. Could having Alec so much more involved in their lives be making a difference?

And then there was the fact that, despite her shyness, within a day Liana had made tentative inroads with a neighbor girl.

Bothered that the girl seemed to be home alone all day, Julia kept an eye out the front window near the end of the third day. When she saw a car turn into that driveway, she strolled over to meet Sophie’s mother, who introduced herself as Andrea Young. Obviously feeling a need to explain why her daughter was alone during the day, Andrea immediately started talking about her divorce and the fact that her ex had shortly thereafter moved to Texas. To her credit, she kept an eye on the girls to be sure her daughter wasn’t overhearing her. The ex called occasionally, Andrea said with some bitterness, and that was about it.

“I count my blessings he’s paying his child support so far.” She cocked her head. “You on your own, too?”

“I’m a widow.” Julia hated saying that, seeing the instant sympathy. “My husband was military. The blessing is that we do have death benefits, so I’m not as strapped financially as most single mothers. As soon as we’re settled in, I’ll be job hunting, though.” She explained about her relationship to Alec and said that they’d decided to move to a smaller town for the sake of the kids, without being specific about her troubled son.

Both women continued to watch the girls, who were playing hopscotch on the sidewalk, having drawn the squares with colored chalk Julia had provided. Sophie was apparently artistic, as she’d gotten Liana to help her decorate the sidewalk for several additional squares in each direction with elaborate, intertwined curlicues. They’d probably had more fun doing that than they were having now playing such a childish game, even though they kept making mistakes—seemingly on purpose—and then giggling madly.

Julia mentioned Liana’s upcoming birthday, when she’d turn eleven.

“Sophie’s twelve,” Andrea said, a slowness in her voice. “It’s legal to leave her alone now, but I’d rather not. Full-time day care is so expensive, though, and she begged not to have to do it, anyway. This in-between age is hard. She’ll be able to ride her bike to some of the Parks Department activities. I make her call me anytime she leaves the house.”

She sounded helpless and maybe hopeless, too. Julia sympathized. Both emotions had become familiar to her.

“I plan to sign my kids up for some of those activities, too. If she’s interested in any of the same things Liana is, I’ll be glad to chauffeur Sophie, too.”

When Andrea invited her in for a cup of coffee, Julia was happy to accept. The two mothers pored over the Parks & Recreation Department schedule. Then they called the girls in for a consultation.

The two-week horse day camp was a definite go, as were swim lessons. Sophie and Liana weren’t quite at the same level, but the advanced class took place right after the intermediate, and Julia insisted that it wouldn’t kill any of them to hang around the pool for an extra half hour one way or the other. Sophie wrinkled her freckled nose at the idea of ceramics class, but thought she might like tap dancing.

Studying the two girls, Julia was disconcerted to see that, only one year older, Sophie was developing a figure. She didn’t wear a bra yet, but she probably would be before she started back to school. Which, in her case, would be middle school here in Angel Butte. In L.A., Liana would have been starting middle school, too. Thank goodness she wasn’t here. The fact that the two girls would be separated for school in September would probably kill this budding friendship, but as far as Julia was concerned, if it lasted the summer, she’d be happy.

Now, if only there was a nice neighbor boy Matt’s age.

But she didn’t kid herself that Matt would want anything to do with a nice boy.

Which left her worrying about what he was doing when he rode away on his bike and didn’t return home for two or three hours at a time.

When she asked, he only glared at her. “There’s nothing to do around here. I’m just, like, riding my bike, okay?”

Her offer to help with Sophie was rewarded only a few days later, when Sophie shyly invited Liana to go to a movie with her on Friday night. The invitation included Matt, too, if he would like to see a blow-’em-up thriller that Andrea had noticed was also at the multiplex and running at close to the same time.

Guilt induced Julia to offer to go with Matt, which earned her a look that almost reminded her of the much more likable boy he’d once been.

“You’d hate that movie,” he said.

She grimaced. “Probably. Still, if you want company...”

He remembered he despised her and sneered, “Sure. My mother. Yeah, thanks but no thanks.”

Knowing she should feel rejected, Julia could only be relieved.

After the kids left, she tried to convince herself that she was blissfully happy alone and wouldn’t even notice if Alec didn’t come home right after work. Or came home only to change clothes because he had a date.

Of course, every time she heard a passing vehicle, her head came up. She hadn’t quite memorized the sound of his SUV yet.

She couldn’t miss it when he pulled into the driveway so close by, though, and only a minute later her doorbell rang. Her pulse accelerated even though she’d half expected him.

He had already shed his suit coat and tie. The cuffs of his white shirt were rolled halfway up strong forearms. He looked tired, she saw, but smiled when he saw her. “Hey. You and the kids want to go out for pizza or something?”

“It so happens the kids have already gone out for burgers and a movie.” She paused for effect. “Without me.”

One eyebrow tilted up, giving his face a wicked cast. “A fairy godmother?”

“Andrea.”

He knew about Liana’s new friendship, but still looked surprised. “Did you hog-tie Matt or drug him into compliance?”

She told him the arrangement for separate but equal movies. “He’ll probably sit at a separate booth at McDonald’s or wherever they went, too, but Andrea seemed to understand. I haven’t started dinner yet, but if you’re okay with something simple—”

“I vote we go out,” he said. “Someplace decent.”

“You mean someplace the kids would boycott?”

She loved his smile. “You got it.”

He suggested Chandler’s Brew Pub, owned by the mayor. There was a live band scheduled, but he thought not until later in the evening. Julia quickly changed, had second thoughts over her choice and would have started over if she hadn’t been so aware of Alec waiting.

When he saw her wearing slim-fitting black pants, heels and a shimmery tunic-length sleeveless sweater, his eyes had a glint that raised heat in her cheeks. It wasn’t the first time she’d seen that expression on his face, but she hadn’t decided what to make of it. If he was attracted to her, he obviously didn’t plan to act on it. Maybe he was only being politely appreciative.

“You look about twenty-two,” he told her. “No one would believe you have a kid Matt’s age.”

“That makes you a dirty old man to be giving me the once-over,” she suggested lightly.

He laughed. “It’s been quite a few years since I’ve looked over a girl that age with anything approaching serious intent.”

She felt a small burst of pleasure. Was he implying he had serious intent where she was concerned?

But when he stepped so ostentatiously aside to let her exit ahead of him, ultracareful not to brush against her, the thrill died as if he’d dumped cold water on it. No, of course not. He thought of her as a sister. What else?

Oh, God, she was so pathetic. Foolishly in love with her brother-in-law.

She had to be sure he never knew. For the hundredth time, at least, she reminded herself that of course she should be glad he didn’t feel the same. His indifference reduced any temptation on her part, and yes, that was good.

Alec was steadfast with her and the kids in a way Josh had never been, that was true. But in one essential way, he was too much like his brother. She’d always known that. She’d listened to the two of them talk so many times, voices laconic as they casually exchanged stories of terrifying exploits, but the excitement they felt seeping through.

Yes, but are they really so much alike? asked a voice in her head, one she’d heard more often lately. Alec made a decision Josh never would have, didn’t he?

But he could still regret it. He could still go back.

And while he called himself a desk jockey now, she saw the way his head turned as they walked to his Tahoe, his expression flat. Julia knew he was conscious of everyone and everything within a block radius, down to any shadow of movement passing behind the reflected sunlight on windows.

Once a street and vice cop, always one.

Please don’t let him be too bored.

Yesterday had been the Fourth of July. Since fireworks were shot off the crater rim of Angel Butte, they had been able to put lawn chairs on Alec’s small patio and watch from there. Liana had oohed and aahed while Matt, predictably, appeared bored. The show wasn’t as spectacular as some they’d seen, but they also hadn’t had to fight crowds, spend ages searching for parking and walk miles for a good spot for viewing. To Julia, this felt...magical. All of them together in the dark, in their own yard.

All the neighbors were outside, too. After the fireworks show, people started lighting their own smaller ones. Andrea and Sophie came over. While the girls swooped across the lawn waving sparklers, Matt and Alec set off fireworks Alec had bought, murmuring together and laughing. Watching them, Julia had felt the sting of tears in her eyes from, oh, a complicated mix of gratitude and joy, and sadness, too.

Talking about last night carried her and Alec through the short drive to downtown. The police department had gotten the predictable complaints, there’d been a few minor injuries but no serious ones and he was pleased at how his officers had handled the holiday.

He found street parking less than a block from Chandler’s. On a Friday night like this, the sidewalk was busy. He stepped around her to be sure he was walking on the curbside, and actually went so far as to lay a hand on her back. The warmth of it burned through the thin knit of the sweater. She was kept from feeling flattered, though, by his expression, which was oddly distant as he kept watch around them, much as he had between her front door and his SUV.

Had he always been so...protective? Funny, she didn’t remember ever noticing until recently. If he hadn’t been edgy in L.A., she couldn’t imagine why he’d be so here. Surely she was imagining things.

He held open the door to Chandler’s. They’d barely stepped in when she heard a groan, almost but not quite beneath his breath. She looked at him, surprised.

He bent so his mouth was close to her ear. “Chandler’s here. Thank God, it looks like he’s well into his meal, so neither of us will feel obligated to suggest we make it a foursome.”

The handsome and absurdly young man serving as host greeted Alec as Chief Raynor and ushered him and Julia straight to a table that had just been cleared by a busboy. The route took them close to the booth where a man she recognized from that television news interview sat with a beautiful woman with pixie hair and intriguing earrings that shimmered in the light when she turned her head.

Alec’s hand splayed on Julia’s back again and he steered her over to the booth. “Chandler,” he said with a polite nod. “Cait. I’d like you to meet my sister-in-law, Julia Raynor. Julia, our mayor and my boss, Noah Chandler, and his fiancée, Cait McAllister.”

In a surprisingly gentlemanly gesture, the mayor slid out of the booth and rose to his feet. He took Julia’s hand in his much larger one. “Good to meet you. We’ve all been hearing about you.”

She laughed. “Hmm. I think I’ll refrain from asking what he had to say.”

Noah Chandler was an intriguing man, she realized. She remembered the word tough coming to mind and even thinking he was kind of ugly, but in person...he was really a very sexy man, if big enough to be alarming to her. And the smile on his fiancée’s face was genuine and warm.

“We didn’t know if you’d arrive in time or not,” Cait said, “but Alec has an invitation to our wedding and we hope you’ll come, too.”

Julia returned the smile. “I’d love to come. You should have made the wedding on the Fourth, and you could have had a fireworks send-off.”

Noah’s grin was downright rakish. “Oh, there’ll be fireworks.”

Cait laughed, rolled her eyes and blushed all at the same time.

The host was politely waiting to one side, clutching menus, so Alec excused them and they allowed themselves to be seated by the window.

Not until they were alone did she laugh. “Okay, why the groan? He seems nice enough.”

“Nice isn’t the word that comes to mind to describe Mayor Chandler,” Alec said drily. “He’s improving on acquaintance, though.” He glanced their way. “I did tell you about Cait getting kidnapped and Noah rescuing her, didn’t I?”

“Yes, sort of.” Her forehead wrinkled as she thought back. It had all happened during her last few days getting herself and the kids ready to leave Los Angeles. As she remembered it, he’d said they “had some excitement here in Angel Butte.”

“But I hadn’t met anybody you were talking about, and mostly I was having a quiet panic attack because our handpicked town didn’t sound nearly as safe as I’d imagined it. So tell me again.”

“Let’s choose our meals first, before the waiter shows up,” he suggested.

Since she’d had it with pizzas and burgers, she went with an interesting-sounding wrap, while Alec ordered a steak. Once they had their salads and a Cabernet from a Willamette Valley winery, he told her the story in more detail.

She had also seen Cait McAllister’s brother during that news clip. He was the police captain who was running for county sheriff, the one the mayor admitted having blacklisted for the job of police chief. Cait had lived in Angel Butte as a child, but hadn’t been back since she was ten years old. Only recently had she moved here to be near her brother. Within days of her arrival, impulsive words spoken to a barely remembered acquaintance made her the target of a killer. She’d eventually remembered as a child seeing two men burying something, and one of the two was the man she’d spoken to.

“After they filled in the hole back then, they poured a concrete patio over it,” Alec told her. “Once Cait pointed us to the right place, we broke it up and, no surprise, found bones.” He grimaced. “In a bizarre twist of fate, the dead man was Chandler’s father. Solved what had been a mystery in his life.”

She listened, intrigued, as he told her more about Noah. He owned two more restaurants besides the one here in Angel Butte, but evidently had enough energy left over to have decided to run for mayor.

“Consensus is, the last mayor was known for turning a blind eye to a lot of shady practices, while Chandler may be an SOB but is scrupulously honest.” Alec shrugged.

Their salads arrived, and they both picked up their forks.

“Back to the story,” he said after a moment.

Cait had survived one murder attempt, after which her brother and Noah both had done their damnedest to keep her safe, according to Alec. Watching anyone 24/7 was next to impossible, though. Perhaps inevitably, she’d been left alone for the few minutes that allowed the killer to grab her.

It was Noah who had rescued her, at high cost to himself. The bullet had come close to killing him.

“Gutsy thing Chandler did,” Alec conceded. “He’s barely back at work.”

She smiled at his air of grudging admiration. “Come on, you like the guy.”

He grinned crookedly. “Like I said, I’m warming to him.”

She laughed, studying him across the table. Noah Chandler definitely had sexual charisma that would have any woman giving him at least a second glance, but as far as she was concerned, so did Alec...times ten.

There were moments when her heart caught at his resemblance to her husband, but more often she would wonder why he didn’t look more like Josh. Both men had the near-black hair of their Italian mother as well as her rich brown eyes. Josh had been an inch or two taller and definitely broader, although some of that might have been because of the conditioning he had to maintain as a navy SEAL. His face had been wider, his features less sharply defined. Alec had a lean, greyhound elegance his brother had lacked. Josh in general had been more physical, less thoughtful. He always wanted to be doing something. He’d drag one of the kids out to kick the soccer ball or practice pitching. He’d started teaching Matt to surf. Evenings, he and Matt would retire to Matt’s bedroom, where she’d hear them hooting and groaning as they played video games. Josh was so competitive, it had become a joke between them—but what was funny when she was twenty-two had become less so as the years went by.

Alec, she thought, was more subtle. He was hard to read; it was rare to catch naked emotion on his face. She suspected he, too, liked to come out on top when it came to the important things, but he was relaxed about the little everyday moments that to Josh were all a contest. The irony to her was that, as a SEAL, Josh had needed to be able to take initiative, but in a more cosmic sense he was always following orders. What if he disagreed with the politics behind a military action? she would ask, and without fail he’d deal the patriot card. Meanwhile, she’d watched Alec steadily rise in the hierarchy, accepting the loss of action so that he could gain command and the ability to make the decisions.

For the first time, she identified the key difference between the brothers. For all that he was a warrior, Josh had remained boyish in his motivations. Boyish was not a word that would ever occur to her in relation to Alec. He was all man, and had been for a long time.

Part of what made him a man was his unwavering sense of duty. For all she knew, he didn’t even like her. But, by God, she was his brother’s widow, her kids were his niece and nephew, and so he would take care of them.

What scared her most was to think that he might stay single because of a commitment to her, when he didn’t love her at all.

Oh, dear God. I should have said no. I should have taken the kids and gone home to Minnesota, she thought, the squeeze of panic stealing her breath. I shouldn’t have let him make such a huge sacrifice for us.

“Do you hate your job here?” Her voice came out thin, and under the table her fingernails bit into her palms.

He stared at her. “What brought that on?”

“I don’t know.” She fought to recover her poise, to keep him from knowing how close she sometimes was to a complete breakdown. “Belated second thoughts, maybe?”

“You think you forced this on me.” Those dark eyes read her too well.

“I didn’t mean to, but—” she closed her eyes briefly before she could finish “—I think I did.”

“No.” The one word came out harsh. “Damn it, Julia! I didn’t know you were still thinking like this. If you’d taken the kids and gone back to Minnesota, I’d have gotten hired as police chief there whether you liked it or not. I’d have followed you.”

“Because you think that’s what Josh would expect.”

Now she really couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“No,” he said finally, calmly.

It was her turn to stare. Was he implying...? But he couldn’t be.

“I used to lump you and Josh together, in a way,” she heard herself say.

A flicker of some emotion passed through his eyes. “Except that you were married to Josh,” he said after a moment.

She flapped her hand. “You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I thought you were both addicted to taking risks. That you’d chosen the careers you did because parachuting in the dark under gunfire or kicking in a drug dealer’s door gave you the ultimate high.”

His jaw bunched. “You mean, you thought we were a pair of adolescents.”

Julia bowed her head, unable to hold that intense gaze. “Not quite, but...I suppose I believed there was an element of that in both of you.”

“Did Josh know you felt that way?”

“Yes,” she said softly, trying not to remember that last, terrible fight and the things she’d said. She had to live forever with that memory, but she didn’t have to tell anyone else about the end of her marriage.

“It didn’t occur to you there was any idealism in our career choices?” Alec asked. “To you, we were just a couple of cowboys out for a good time?”

“I said an element!” she shot back, shaken to realize he was angry. “I understood how dedicated Josh was. And you, too. I just—” She couldn’t go on.

“What, Julia?” he asked inexorably.

She shook her head.

To her shock, he laid his hand over hers. “Tell me,” he said, his voice gentler.

“I started to resent it.” Not wanting to see his expression, she looked at his hand, so much larger than hers, broader across, at the thickness of his wrist and the dark hairs dusting his forearm. “At home, all he did was kill time. I could tell he was waiting for a mission, for his real life. The kids loved him, but he was more like a playmate than a father.” Finally she lifted her gaze to meet his dark eyes. “Don’t get me wrong. I was proud of him. Somebody has to do the job he did. He worked hard to do it well. He was courageous. I know that.” Her voice broke and she had to take a moment to collect herself. “But I came to realize we weren’t nearly as important to him as that job was. And call me petty, but the day came when I resented having to be a single parent while he was always off saving the world.”

She saw understanding on Alec’s face, but also something more indefinable. He removed his hand, and she saw his fingers curl into fists on the tabletop.

“So that’s why you were so shocked when I suggested we all move together.” He sounded careful, as if he wanted to be sure he understood how she saw him.

“Yes!” She glared. “Do you blame me?”

Again those muscles gathered in his jaw, before he moved his shoulders and the tension visibly drained from him. “No, I guess I can’t. I thought we knew each other better than that, but I realize Josh couldn’t talk about what he did, and it never crossed my mind that you were very interested in what I did all day.”

“Of course I’m interested.”

One corner of his mouth turned up in a half smile that didn’t touch his eyes. “Then I’ll start talking. To tell you the truth, there are times I’d like nothing better than being able to lay ideas out or vent to someone who doesn’t have a horse in the race.”

“Unbiased.”

He dipped his head without taking his gaze from her. “Yeah.”

“Then I won’t do.” She felt her smile wobble. “Because I am biased. I’m on your side.”

“God, Julia.” His voice was hoarse, his emotions momentarily unguarded.

Her heartbeat did some wobbling, too.

The waitress appeared with their entrées, probably a fortunate interruption. Julia noticed that Noah Chandler and his fiancée were leaving, Noah pausing only to nod at Alec, who did the same. She wondered what they’d conveyed with that very restrained exchange.

“Men don’t always understand what women need,” Alec murmured, momentarily confusing her. Then she saw the amusement that lightened the depth of emotion they’d both been feeling.

“I have noticed,” she responded.

He laughed, although she sensed he might be forcing it. “When you need something from me, tell me. Otherwise, I won’t know.”

Your heart. I need you to love me.

He would tell her he did. Like a sister.

“Anything,” he added, sounding husky.

They looked at each other for an uninterrupted stretch that had warmth rising in her cheeks as she wondered crazily what he meant.

Anything.

“I never suspected,” he said after a moment.

“Suspected what?” She didn’t sound quite like herself, but if he noticed he gave no indication.

“I assumed you and Josh were completely happy.”

“Don’t you think any marriage has tensions?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.”

“Why not?” she asked. “Have you ever come close?”

He shook his head. “I love my parents, but I wouldn’t want what they have.”

She nodded her understanding. Norman Raynor was a tense, rigid, demanding man who both dominated and dismissed his wife. Even Josh, not often given to self-reflection, had talked some about his father’s expectations for his boys and his contempt for women. At the time, Julia had thought to be grateful that Alec and Josh didn’t have a sister. She had blamed Norm for his sons’ choice of careers, too; he had been a firefighter who thought men should be men. Mostly he and Rosaria had been great with the kids, but Julia hadn’t been enthusiastic about her children spending a lot of time with their grandfather as they got older and more conscious of things like gender roles.

“I feel sorry for your mother.”

“She made her bed.” Apparently realizing how harsh that sounded, Alec shook his head. “I don’t mean that. No matter how bad the marriage is, she’d never leave him. If nothing else, her faith wouldn’t let her. But it’s more than that. I’m not sure she even notices how he treats her anymore. I remember from when I was little how happy she was. Laughing and singing all the time.” His mouth crooked up and his expression softened. “Good smells from the kitchen, fresh flowers from her garden on the table, an Italian tenor bellowing from the stereo.” He grimaced. “Of course, the music went off when Dad walked in the door, and if Mama was lucky, he’d grunt his appreciation for amazing food. The change in her was gradual. She’d listen to music less and less often, smile less. By the time Josh and I were in high school, she’d lost any gift for happiness. I don’t know if she’d recover it even if he dropped dead of a heart attack tomorrow.”

Julia couldn’t help herself. She touched him, only fleetingly, her fingertips to the back of his hand, but it was enough to draw a startled, somehow riveted stare from him.

“Were their feelings hurt that we moved away?” she asked, as much to distract him as anything. His parents hadn’t said much to her, but she’d never been sure how they felt about her anyway.

As a distraction, her question worked. Alec gave a grunt of his own. “Couldn’t tell with Mama. Dad thought me quitting my job was asinine. I’d be a captain before I knew it, maybe rise to chief of the LAPD. He knew how to bring Matt into line, and it didn’t involve pampering the kid or uprooting the whole damn family. ‘My belt’s still good for something,’ he said.”

Julia shuddered. They were both silent for a moment.

“I always thought I might be more like him than Josh was,” Alec said unexpectedly. “Josh was more...happy-go-lucky, for lack of a better term. I internalize everything.”

Yes. She’d seen that.

“I was thinking something like that,” she admitted. “The only thing is, Josh was only happy when he was in motion. Eventually I started wondering if he had an attention deficit disorder, but surely he’d have had to be patient, I don’t know, crouched somewhere waiting for the bad guys to make a move. I know he was smart, but he almost never picked up a book. Even TV bored him. He could sit down for about the length of a meal, then he’d get twitchy and leap up and need to do something.”

“Yeah, he had some trouble in school. Far as I know, he was never diagnosed, but—” He put down his fork and seemed to mull that over. “Actually, I don’t know if that’s true or not. Dad would probably have given hell to any teacher or school administrator who tried to lay the blame for Josh’s issues on some problem in his brain when obviously they were lacking. He limped through graduation, but he enlisted the minute he graduated. Never crossed any of our minds that he might go on to college.”

Somehow the conversation drifted after that. First Alec and she exchanged their own experiences in higher education. She shook her head over her idiocy in dropping out before getting her degree, Alec telling her his father had belittled his own determination to get his.

“‘Why waste your time?’ he’d say. ‘You should have gone straight to the police academy. Think of the street experience you’d have by now.’ He’d shake his head. ‘You’ve been to school for thirteen years already. Why would you want to write a paper about Robert E. Lee’s military mistakes or the fact that some damn philosopher tried to prove himself wrong?’”

“Some damn philosopher?” she queried.

“Descartes. He was determined not to be smug in his beliefs.”

“So he tried to prove he was wrong.”

“Right.” Alec shook his head. “Funny Dad should have chosen that paper to disparage, because I take Descartes’s theories about self-doubt seriously. Whenever I go too far out on a limb, I think, hold on, remember Descartes, and take the other side. Sometimes I actually do convince myself I was wrong.”

“I’m impressed,” she said, smiling. “You actually demonstrate the value of those college classes on a day-to-day basis.”

He smiled, too. “I told you, I internalize everything.”

She had been so wrong about him, Julia thought as they finished dinner and returned to the Tahoe. Why hadn’t she ever noticed how different he was from her husband?

Of course, she knew the answer in part. While she was married, she hadn’t let herself dwell on any feelings in particular for Josh’s brother. And later—it had taken her a long time to emerge from the grief and the guilt, and by then she was consumed by her children’s needs. For all the time she and Alec had spent together, most of their conversations had to do with the kids, Matt in particular. It alarmed her a little to realize that this evening, she and Alec had been, for possibly the first time, only a man and woman. She couldn’t help wondering if he’d made any discoveries about her.

She was more self-conscious than usual when they got back to the duplex. The kids weren’t due back for another half an hour. I could invite him in, she thought, but had the unsettling thought that doing so might be dangerous. She didn’t dare betray her feelings to him, not if she was going to continue to depend on him the way she had been. She’d be foolish to misinterpret the expression in his eyes when he’d said, When you need something from me, tell me.

So she thanked him for dinner, made her excuses and shut the door firmly on the man standing on her doorstep. The one whose voice had become husky when he implied he would give her anything at all.

Inside, heart thumping, she knew her greatest fear having to do with him was that he’d give what she asked, but for all the wrong reasons. Even the idea of that was unbearable.