Читать книгу Nash - Jay Crownover - Страница 10

It took me another full day and a half to pull my head out of my ass and stop acting like a lunatic. I was a mess. Torn up about kissing Saint, mostly because I didn’t regret it for a second but also because I knew better. In the haze of tequila and sorrow, I could still taste her, feel her pressed up against me, and it was the only good thing I could seem to recall in the last few weeks.

I would love to be able to say that Saint’s surprise visit had smacked me across the face with some much-needed clarity, but that wasn’t the case. After her hasty departure because I mauled her like a uncouth jackass, I finished off the bottle of tequila I’d been steadily working my way through before she interrupted me and passed out on the living room floor. The next day was more of the same, only at some point I had made my way to the couch and had managed to doze off using the pizza box as a pillow. Oh yeah, I was totally behaving like a responsible adult.

I cracked open an eye when the front door to the apartment swung open and heavy footfalls made their way over to where I was straight up wallowing in my own piss-poor choices and inconsolability. The only person who still had a key to the apartment was Rule. Obviously he was done letting me have a pity party for one and was tired of me ignoring all his phone calls. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and it took more than a minute for my hazy gaze to clear enough to meet his angry, pale blue eyes.

Rule knew me better than anyone. We were best friends for a reason. There was no judgment, no censure, and no disappointment from either of us, even when the situation sometimes called for it, like right now. We were a team no matter what, and the role we played in each other’s life was that of rock-solid support and more often than not official ass kicker of the other one when they needed it, which was clearly what he was thinking as he crossed his arms over his chest and lifted his pierced eyebrow at me.

“You look like crap.”

“Well, that’s accurate since I feel like crap.”

“It’s been a week. That’s as long as I’m putting up with this shit from you. Take a shower, go brush your goddamn teeth, put some fucking pants on, and we’re going to see Phil. Enough, dude. Yeah, that was a pretty nasty bomb you got dropped on you, but it doesn’t change the fact we all owe Phil more than we’re ever going to be able to repay in one lifetime. So get over yourself and let’s go.”

I grunted up at him and peeled myself up off the greasy cardboard. Yeah, I was a winner. I rubbed my hands over the shorn surface of my hair and waited for the room to stop tilting sideways. I didn’t know what to say to the man who had raised me. I had walked into his hospital room that night, taken one look into eyes that were the exact same color as mine, listened to him call me son in a voice that had no strength behind it, and turned around and walked right back out. It was a cowardly move, not to mention insensitive and shallow, but my head was spinning all around and I couldn’t find any solid ground to balance on. Phil did deserve more than that from me no matter who exactly he was in my life now; he had always been there for me, supported me when no one else would.

I shoved to my feet and promptly fell back on my ass. Rule reached out and put the hand that had the cobra head and his name inked across the knuckles on my shoulder to steady me. He shook his head, his spiky blue hair, making it sort of hard to take his look of reproach seriously.

“Just give me twenty.”

I would need that long to scrub the disgusting taste of stale booze and cigarette after cigarette out of my mouth.

Saint wasn’t lying, I did taste like a barroom floor. That was an entirely different mess I needed to try and clean up. I knew she only stopped by out of some kind of professional obligation, because she was nice and kind, and obviously possessed a huge heart. I knew she wasn’t particularly fond of me, but she had looked past her dislike and offered comfort and soft words when I needed them most, and in repayment I had acted like a jackass. I needed to apologize and see if I could minimize some of the damage. I wanted her to like me, wanted her to think I was an all right guy, and not just because I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. It went beyond her awesome hair, rocking body, and soft gray eyes. I wanted her to like me because she had a way about her, a delicate kind of sweetness that I wanted to wrap myself all up in. It didn’t make much sense, but nothing in my life right now did.

I had vague recollections of Saint from high school, still pretty but slightly heavier and desperately shy to the point of it being painful. She was smart and in all the accelerated programs Brookside High had offered, so our paths generally never crossed. There had been a point in time when I recalled our lockers being side by side and I had tried to engage her, made it a point to smile and say hi, but beyond that we moved in different circles and I don’t think she wanted to slum with the likes of me. Still I remembered her hair and those eyes … even then the light gray was full of kindness and understanding. She wasn’t the kind of chick my teenage self tried to get lucky with, mostly because she was out of my league intellectually and even then radiated a class I didn’t understand. Rule and I had spent most of our teenage years screwing anything that moved and partying in ways that the older versions of ourselves marveled at now. We were a couple of unscrupulous horn balls, and girls like Saint Ford, then and now, were not the kind of girls that wanted to get tangled up with guys like us.

Only to everyone’s amazement Rule had settled down, was getting married in a few weeks to a bona fide society princess. She was just as smart, just as classy and beautiful as Saint, and she loved Rule with everything she had. Shaw Landon was any guy’s dream girl and Rule was the lucky bastard who’d landed her. Now he was going to make sure he got to keep her forever because he was putting a ring on her finger and changing her last name to his.

After a scalding-hot shower that made my skin red and woke me up enough to get my feet under me, I crawled into a pair of jeans and pulled a long-sleeved thermal over my head that had the logo of the tattoo shop where Rule and I worked on the front of it. Catching sight of myself in the mirror over my dresser, I had to wince. My face was covered in a week’s worth of stubble and my normally clear eyes were lined with red veins. Despite my outward appearance I was generally a pretty mellow guy. I had learned to go with the flow and take things as they came. I had to with a guy like Rule as my partner in crime. He had enough attitude and a desire to stir shit up that I never needed to be “that guy”—the volatile, unpredictable type. Plus when you put bold and bright tattoos on the sides of your head, people took it at face value that you weren’t someone they wanted to mess with. However, right now the reflection staring back at me was totally “that guy.” I looked angry, confused, ready to throw down for no reason, and behind it all I looked sad … really really sad.

I sighed and pulled a plain black baseball hat on over my shaved head. I grabbed a hoodie and met Rule back in the living room. He had thrown the discarded pizza boxes and Chinese food containers away and tossed the empty bottles of Patrón I had lying around into the recycle bin. We had lived together for a long time before he had bought a house and moved in with Shaw. He knew where everything was and just gave me a “really” look when I shrugged.

“I was thirsty.”

“Obviously. Between you and Ayden, I should buy stock in Patrón.”

Ayden was Shaw’s best friend and the wife of another one of our childhood buddies. She was model pretty, had legs that made men stupid, spoke with a light southern twang, and could drink most of us under the table. Jet Keller was another one of my friends who’d found the quintessential dream girl and decided to keep her until the end of time. It seemed to be happening to everyone around me lately.

Even Rome, Rule’s older brother and someone else I looked up to because of the kind of man he was, had found his perfect match. I don’t know that anyone would consider Cora Lewis a dream girl. She was too bossy, a little too mouthy, and a whole lot of stubborn packed into a small, colorful package, but Rome seemed to think she was great. They were two very different people, but together they worked, so much so that Cora was expecting their first baby sometime in March. Everyone I cared about was falling in love and settling down. It made me happy but also made me nervous because I had seen what happened in the name of love when someone made life-changing choices based on it. I was a child that had been cast aside by an uncaring mother in the name of love.

We walked out the front door and I turned around to lock it behind me. The door across the hall opened and the goddess that lived across the hall came strolling out with a gym bag in her hand. She was pretty, really pretty, in an overly exaggerated way. Had I not had so much on my mind and still felt like such a bastard for treating Saint like I did the night before, there was a good chance I would’ve been all over welcoming her to the building in a much more personal and hands-on way. As it was, all I could do was offer her a brief nod in greeting as her gaze slid over the top of Rule’s crazy hair to the tips of his worn black boots.

“Nice.”

Her tone was friendly and flirty and her dark eyes sparkled with humor.

“The building manager should put it in the ad that the view is across the hall, not facing the mountains. He could charge like a hundred dollars more a month in rent for it.”

Rule lifted the eyebrow that had the rings pierced through it and looked at me sideways. I just shrugged and headed toward the front door. I held it open for her as she preceded us out.

“I’m Royal Hastings, by the way.”

I shook her hand and Rule followed suit. I saw her gaze drift over Shaw’s name that he had tattooed on the knuckles of his other hand. It was more effective than any wedding band could ever be. A ring came off, a tattoo never did.

“Nash, and this is Rule. Sorry about all the noise and chaos the last week. Normally it’s a pretty quiet building and we all keep to ourselves.”

She laughed and pulled the hood of her light jacket up around her dark red hair. Man, she really was a knockout and I should be all over her, but the desire just wasn’t there and in the next sentence she brought up the reason why.

“It’s been interesting for sure. You have an interesting group of friends, neighbor. The girl from last night was my favorite. The blonde with all the tattoos is loud, the brunette doesn’t seem very friendly, and the other blonde was nice enough but she acted like I didn’t have any right to ask what was going on. The redhead was super nice, kind of shy, even so she’s been my favorite. If all those girls are attached to the sexy man parade that has been flooding in and out of the hallway, I have to say those are some lucky ladies.”

I rolled my eyes and Rule laughed as we stopped on the sidewalk.

“The impatient blonde is mine. She’s in the middle of planning a wedding and is pretty protective of her friends, so she’s just a little fierce at the moment. The brunette is actually one of the nicest people you can ever meet, she’s was just worried about this dumb-ass and the fact he’s been AWOL all week. She’s married to the guy in the skintight jeans.”

The hot neighbor nodded and continued to laugh.

“I see.”

“The pregnant blonde with the ink is with my brother, the big dude that looks like he could rip the door off the hinges. The blond guy that kind of looks like Johnny Bravo and the other blond guy that is prettier than you are both unattached … just FYI.” He cut his frost-tinted gaze in my direction. “I don’t know who the redhead is.”

This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have on the sidewalk in front of a stranger, or anywhere else for that matter, but they were both just staring at me, so I groaned and shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie.

“The ER nurse, Saint, she stopped by to check on me. I was pretty fucked up, drunk and out of it. She basically told me the same thing you guys have been trying to tell me all week. I need to get over my shit and go make peace with Phil before it’s too late.”

The neighbor shrugged and turned toward a new-looking 4Runner parked on the other side of the Charger.

“That was nice of her. Nurses are usually really impersonal and clinical, so it’s sweet she reached out. You boys have a lovely day.”

We watched as she drove away and Rule turned to me with a lifted eyebrow. I scowled and patted my pockets searching for a pack of smokes. I swore when I remembered Saint walking out the door with them.

“What?”

“New neighbor.”

“So?”

“So?”

I walked to the passenger side of his gigantic pickup truck and waited until he popped the lock so I could climb in. Once I was in the seat, I slumped down and rested my head against the cool pane of glass and closed my eyes. I knew I had to go to the hospital, but I really didn’t want to. What was I supposed to say to Phil?

Something like … oh, so you’re my long-lost dad … good to know, oh, by the way, thanks for waiting until you had cancer and might be dying to tell me …?

There just weren’t words that made any sense.

“So a week ago I would have walked into that apartment and there isn’t a chance in hell that you would’ve been alone. That neighbor would have been with you and you both would’ve been naked.”

I barked out a laugh and opened one eye to look at him.

“I’ve been too jacked up. I was so sauced the last week there isn’t a chance in hell I could’ve got it up let alone gotten it in.”

But that wasn’t entirely true. When I had pulled Saint against me, when she had finally opened up and let me into the warm, damp recesses of her mouth, I had gotten hard as a rock and there was nothing the river of tequila in my blood could do about it. Like he was reading my mind, Rule asked, “So what’s the story with the nurse?”

“We went to school with her. She was like super smart, shy, kept to herself mostly. She didn’t party or go out, so I don’t think you would really remember her. I recognized her the night I picked Rome up from the ER after he got his head smashed in. My locker was next to hers senior year. She looks a little different now, lost some weight, I guess, and her hair is longer. She doesn’t seem to care for me very much, but she was great the night Phil was rushed to the hospital and it was nice of her to check on me last night.”

“But why would she do that if she doesn’t like you?”

“I don’t really know. I think she’s just a really nice person.”

Rule snorted. “She’s hot.”

I nodded. “She is.”

“Sucks she doesn’t dig you.”

I blew out a breath. “I guess. It’s not like I’m in the market for a girlfriend anyway.”

“Why the hell not?”

It was a familiar argument we had now. Ever since he had decided Shaw was it for him, he was on my case to settle down, to find the one girl that would make me think love actually stood a chance and that monogamy was worth trying out. While I was happy for him, for all my friends that had found “the one,” I just didn’t see that being the route for me. When my mom had tossed me aside for her idiot husband under the guise of love, I knew even at such a young age that was not something I was ever going to do. Love someone enough that they made me willing to sacrifice the rest of my life for them. I liked being single, liked having the opportunity to experience different women, different moments with different people whenever I wanted. I didn’t need a girlfriend to be fulfilled, nor did I really want one.

“Dude, I just found out my uncle is really my dad, he has cancer, and my best friend is fucking getting married in less than a month. Not to mention my pseudo big brother is expecting his first child. You tell me where in any of that I have the time or the mental capacity to try and be some chick’s boyfriend.”

He grunted and pulled the truck into the parking lot of the hospital. I felt my heart rate start to pick up and a cold sweat start to trickle down the back of my neck. We climbed out of the truck and met at the front of it. Rule gave me a hard shove with his hand and grunted when I dug the point of my elbow into his ribs to retaliate.

“That’s the thing, Nash, you aren’t ‘some girl’s’ boyfriend, you’re ‘the girl’s’ boyfriend and when it’s ‘the girl’ you find the time for it, and you get your head around it really quick because the idea of being without her is about the worst thing you can imagine.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just kept my mouth shut and followed him through the sliding glass doors and to the elevator. Unconsciously my gaze searched the long white hallways for a glimpse of fiery-red hair. I didn’t see her and I couldn’t decide if that made me feel relieved or irritated.

We got to the top floor of the hospital where the oncology unit was located and I had to follow Rule because I didn’t know which room Phil was in. Man, I really did suck and I wanted a damn cigarette so bad it was making my skin hurt. The door was cracked just a little bit and Rule stepped to the side.

“Go in there and spend some time with the guy that raised you. He might have called you his nephew, Nash, but he always treated you—hell, all of us—like his sons. I’ll give you a few minutes before I come in.”

I nodded jerkily.

I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. The curtains were pulled slightly open and the winter light was casting eerie shadows across Phil’s fragile form. He had always been a big, strapping guy, and now that I knew he was my father I could see all the similarities between him and me. It was so much more than our unusual eye color. He lifted his eyelids and looked at me. I wanted to shuffle my feet and clear my throat, but I didn’t. I walked to the end of the bed so that we were just watching each other. He was so thin and his pallor looked awful.

I rubbed my thumb along the edge of my jaw and tried for a grin. “You scared the hell out of me, old man.”

He grunted and lifted the hand that had some kind of monitor on it attached to miles of wires and tubes coming out of him.

“I was tired of all the poking and prodding. I wasn’t going to spend Thanksgiving in a goddamn hospital. I just needed to get away. I didn’t know I was sick, I thought it was just a cough.”

“Just a cough?” I couldn’t help the bitterness that crept into my tone. “I thought you were dead when I saw you lying on the floor of the cabin. Do you have any idea what that did to me?”

“I’m sorry, Nash. For all of it. I’ve made some bad decisions along the way, done some things I regret, but you, son … you were never one of them.”

There it was. Son, something I had always wanted to be and never thought I would be. I rubbed my hand across the back of my neck.

“I don’t even know what to do with that, Phil. I don’t even know what to call you anymore.”

“What you always did. I’m still just Phil, Nash. The things that happened between me and your mom, it was too long ago and had nothing to do with you. Who you are today is a man you should be proud of … a man I am proud of as a father, uncle, as a boss and anything in between. I thought I was protecting you, thought maybe getting sick was a sign. I thought it would just go away, honestly.”

“Cancer? You thought cancer would just magically go away and that you could indefinitely hide from it? Hide from us?”

“Seems to be a family trait. Took you a full week to get your ass in here, didn’t it?”

He had a point, so I just sighed and leaned against the edge of the bed. I wrapped my hands around the rail and stared at him. He was sick, it was obvious, but there also appeared to be a lightness in him that had never been there before. I wondered how hard it had been for him to pretend all this time, to listen to me bitch about my imaginary father and the blame I placed on him for the way things broke loose with my mom and her husband. Maybe it was true, and the truth really did set you free.

“I had to get my head around some stuff. I needed to do that alone.” I knew it should be on the very tip of my tongue to ask why he hadn’t disclosed that he was my father before now, why he had been keeping secrets from me my entire life, but I think I was kind of terrified of the answer. My mom had never made me feel like I was worthy of carrying her blood. I don’t think I could handle it if Phil had any of that kind of reasoning behind his actions.

“Where you at with everything now?” His tone was hesitant and I felt like an asshole for making him uncertain of where he stood with me.

“I don’t really know, but you’ve never let me down in my life and I would never be able to live with myself if something happened to you and we left things the way they were. I owe you everything I have and everything that I am. I’m not going to let you fight this alone.”

He cringed a little and looked away. The goatee that surrounded his mouth curled down on the sides and I felt my stomach dip.

“There isn’t a fight anymore, Nash. The cancer has officially had a TKO on my system. It’s metastasized, it’s moved into my lymph nodes. Not much we can do but wait it out.”

I gulped and felt moisture start to burn at the back of my eyes. I pulled the brim of my hat down lower over my forehead and blinked hard to keep the emotion in check.

“What about chemo, or radiation … hell, what about a voodoo ceremony? No options?”

He shook his head, and while I felt like he was giving me the worst news in the world, Phil looked like he had had plenty of time to come to terms with his fate and the lack of satisfying answers.

“I know this is all new to you, and that you haven’t had enough time to really come to terms with the lot of it, but I’ve been sick for a while and this isn’t my first go-around. The time I had with you, with the rest of the crew, it was a blessing.”

I felt anger start to coil back up in my gut and I had to concentrate on breathing in and out to stop from lashing out.

“You were sick before?”

He made a noise of affirmation and reached a shaky hand out for a glass of water. I walked around the side of the bed so I could hand it to him. Our matching gazes locked and I had to swallow back all the sour-tasting feelings this conversation was leaving in my mouth.

“Yeah. Same thing. Right before I bought the shop. It was a tumor in one lung and I had surgery to cut it out and then had to do treatment for a year afterward. It was one of the main reasons I was so eager to let you and Rule apprentice under me. There is a lot of crap work out there, people don’t take the art, the work behind tattooing, seriously. I knew if I taught you boys the right way to do it, made you respect the skill and craft inside and out, if anything happened to me my legacy would be left in good hands. I beat it that time around, thought maybe I could beat it again.”

“Why didn’t you quit smoking?”

“Because quitting is hard. Because I thought I was invincible. I don’t know, Nash. There isn’t a good reason. I wish I had quit, and I hope you will. There is absolutely no reason for you to tempt fate.”

I opened my mouth to say something else but got sidetracked when the door swung open and Rule walked in.

“All good in here?”

“Working on it, kiddo. Come in here really quick, I want to talk to both of you about something.”

Rule shut the door and made his way to the opposite side of the hospital bed. Phil opened his mouth, and before he could start speaking broke off into an awful fit of coughing. It hurt me to watch the way the hacking cough moved his frail body. It took him a few minutes to catch his breath and Rule and I shared a concerned look over the bed.

“Damn, that hurt.” He cleared his throat and shifted his gaze back and forth between the two of us. “I’m signing the shop over to you boys. We own the location outright, so the deed to the property is going in Nash’s name. You two have been an unstoppable team since you were old enough to start giving me gray hair, you’re also the best artists in this town. You both put the Marked on the map, gave it a style and a name that I never could. You made it yours and I think the two of you as business partners have a lot to offer this city.”

Rule and I exchanged stunned looks and then looked at Phil like he was speaking French and we didn’t understand. We could tattoo, we could work with clients, but neither one of us had any clue how to manage or operate a business.

“I was looking for a new location, a second shop in LoDo. I wanted to expand, get our name and work to a different breed of clientele. I found the perfect spot. Signed a five-year lease on it, but now … well, now it’s going to be up to you guys to get it up and running.”

LoDo referred to the lower downtown portion of Denver. It was filled with bars, restaurants, and any kind of lease on a storefront down there had to be astronomical. Rule was the first to ask:

“Uh … you do realize we have no idea how to run a shop, right?”

Phil rolled his eyes and snorted at us.

“Of course I know that. I already talked to Cora. She’s going to be your business manager. You really think once that baby gets here she’s going to want to answer phones and schedule appointments for you boneheads all day? No way, that little spitfire was born to take care of someone, she’ll wanna spend as much time with the baby as she can. Give her an office in the new building, she can handle the technical aspects for you, and if she still wants to pierce, she can schedule it on her own time. All you need to do is find a new shop manager and hire the staff for the new location. I have faith in you boys. You’ll do me proud.”

“You’ve planned this all out without bothering to ask either of us how we feel about it?” I couldn’t keep some of the simmering anger I was feeling from bursting through.

“Nash …” Phil’s voice dipped down an octave. “I don’t have enough time left to argue. I want my family taken care of, I want what I worked so hard to build to live on. This is the way to achieve both those things. Trust me.”

I used to trust him without question … recent events made that a little bit harder to do.

“Where are we supposed to find a new shop manager? And how do you expect either of us to vet an entirely new staff of artists? Rule and I don’t have any idea how to do that.” I sounded a little bit petulant even to my own ears.

“You’ll figure it out. I have a few calls in to some people, some contacts I’ve made over the years. I’m not going to leave you high and dry.”

Both of us had a million and one questions to ask, but Phil broke off in a fit of coughing that didn’t seem to have an ending point. He was obviously uncomfortable and in an immeasurable amount of pain. Rule went and found a nurse, who gave Phil something that soon had his eyes drooping closed and his chest moving up and down in a steady rhythm. He faded out and Rule jerked his head toward the door, so I followed him into the hallway.

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, that about covers it.” I took my hat off my head and then slammed it back on. “What the fuck are we going to do?”

“Figure it out, I guess. That’s what we always do.”

“This is insane, all of it.”

“No doubt, but we’ll just take it one step at a time. We got your back, Nash. Remember that next time you want to play ostrich and bury your head in a bottle of tequila for a week.”

I did know it. “Thanks, Rule. Hey, give me just a minute. I wanna try and track down Saint and apologize.”

“Apologize for what?”

“At this point I feel like I need to apologize to her for simply existing. Thanks for dragging me out of my stupor.”

“Anytime. I’ll meet you at the truck. I need to call Shaw. She still hasn’t told her parents about the wedding. I don’t care one way or the other if they’re going to come or not, but I know Casper well enough to know she’ll feel guilty if she doesn’t at least give them the opportunity to prove they aren’t horrible, even though we all know they are.”

I snorted because he wasn’t kidding and because it still made me laugh when he used his nickname for Shaw. Her super white-blond hair lent itself to the endearment. His words were also a harsh reminder that I wasn’t the only one that had seriously screwed family dynamics. The building blocks that made me who I was as a person were changing, being rearranged and placed in different places. I wasn’t scared of change, one look at my body and anyone could see that … what I was terrified of was having to look back and see that my mom giving me up … letting me go, had nothing to do with a broken heart left from a deadbeat dad, but everything to do with me and the fact I wasn’t what she wanted. It had to do with the fact that I just wasn’t good enough, and even though I had long since made peace with never meeting her standards, it still left a mark.