Читать книгу Rule - Jay Crownover - Страница 7

I closed the bathroom door with a soft click and turned the lock. I collapsed against the sink and ran shaking hands over my face. It was getting harder and harder to be Rule’s chaperone to these family gatherings every Sunday. I already felt like I was getting an ulcer, and if I had to walk in on him and one of his disgusting bar bimbos again, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of his apartment without committing homicide.

I turned around to splash some cold water on my face and lifted the heavy fall of blond hair off my neck. I needed to get it together because the last thing I wanted was for Margot or Dale—or Rome for that matter—to notice that something was off. Rome was one of the most observant people I had ever met and I had a feeling that even drugged up and in pain he wouldn’t miss a thing when it came to his younger brother and sister, since by association I had technically been lumped into the category of surrogate little sister.

It was getting harder and harder to spend time around Rule and not just because looking at him reminded me of everything that I no longer had—which was the problem Margot and Dale struggled with, not that the insensitive ass had any empathy for his parents. My struggle was that Rule was complicated; he was brash, mouthy, careless, thoughtless, often cranky, and generally an insufferable pain in the ass. But when he chose to be, he was charming and funny, artistically brilliant, and more often than not, the most interesting person in the room. I have been head over heels in love with both sides of him since I was fourteen years old. Of course I loved Remy, loved him like a brother, like the best friend and consummate protector he had been, but I loved Rule like it was my mission in life. I loved him like it was inevitable, like no matter how many times I was shown what an awful idea it was, what a bad match we were, what a callous asshole he could be, I couldn’t shake it. So each and every time I had to have the fact that he didn’t even think of me as more than a carpool driver shoved in my face it tore a little bit more of my battered heart apart.

Because my own family was such a mess, there was no way I would be half the person I was today without everything the Archers had done for me. Remy had taken me under his wing when I was a friendless and lonely teen. Rome had threatened to beat up the first boy who made me cry because I liked him and he didn’t like me back. Margot had taken me shopping for homecoming and prom dresses when my own mother was too busy with her new husband to care. Dale had taken me to the University of Denver and the University of Colorado–Boulder and helped whittle down the choices logically and rationally when it came to picking a college. And Rule, well, Rule was a constant reminder that money didn’t get you everything you wanted and that no matter how perfect I tried to be, how hard I worked at being everything to everyone, it still wasn’t enough.

I blew out a breath that I felt like I had been holding for more than an hour and took a piece of Kleenex to wipe away the black smudges from under my eyes. If I didn’t get down to the dining room fast Margot was bound to come looking for me and I didn’t have a reasonable excuse as to why I was currently freaking out in the bathroom. I fished a hair tie out of my pocket and pulled my hair into a low ponytail, slicked on a sheer coat of gloss, and gave myself a silent pep talk, reminding myself that I had done this a million other Sundays and that this one was no different.

Just as I was stepping into the hall my phone rang and I had to struggle to hold back a groan when I saw that it was Gabe calling again. I sent the call to voice mail and wondered for the hundredth time in the last month why I had ever wasted a second of my time on his pompous ass. He was overly entitled, overly grabby, overly superficial, and more interested in my last name and the fact that my parents were loaded than he was in me.

I wasn’t even interested in dating him—wasn’t interested in dating anyone—but my parents had forced my hand. As usual, under their pressure, I folded and ended up spending more time with him than I wanted to. I had managed to tolerate him for a lot longer than I thought I would be able to. After all, Gabe was way more interested in himself than in me. It wasn’t until he had started pushing for sex—making me uncomfortable by grabbing and touching things I didn’t want his hands anywhere near—that I cut the cord. Unfortunately, neither he nor my parents seem to have gotten the message and I have been inundated with calls, texts, and emails for the last two weeks. Gabe was easy enough to dodge; my mother not so much.

I was shoving the phone into my back pocket when a quiet voice stopped me. “What’s going on with you, little girl? I’ve been gone for over eighteen months and all I get is a hug and a peck on the cheek before you disappear? Where are the tears? Where’s the hysterics that I’m home safe and sound? What’s working in that complicated brain of yours? Because I can tell something is on your mind.”

I hiccupped a little laugh and let my forehead fall onto the strong chest in front of me. Even battered and bruised Rome was the kind of guy who stood between the people he loved and anything that might possibly hurt them. He patted the top of my head and laid a heavy hand on the back of my neck. “I missed your pretty face, Shaw; you don’t know how good it is to be home.”

I shuddered a little and wrapped a careful arm around his waist so that I could give him a squeeze and not hurt him. “I missed you, too, Rome. I’m just stressed out. School is crazy right now, I’m working three or four nights a week, and my parents won’t get off my back about this guy I just broke up with. You know I love it when we’re all together. I thought your mom was going to have a heart attack when she called to tell me what happened to you. I’m so glad you’re okay. I don’t think this family would be able to handle losing another Archer son.”

“No, probably not. I can’t believe she still has you playing chauffeur for my idiot brother.”

I hooked my arm through his and we started to make our way to the dining room. “It’s the only way he’ll come. If I have to miss it because of school or because something comes up he just blows them off. Half the time when I get to the apartment he doesn’t even know what day it is and has to scramble to get out the door. Today would be a prime example of that. If I show up he feels obligated to come with me no matter what or who he’s in the middle of doing.”

Rome swore under his breath. “It wouldn’t kill that kid to play nice with Mom and Dad once a week. He shouldn’t need you to be his babysitter.”

I shrugged my shoulders because we both knew that all the Archer brothers had a role. Remy had been the good son, the straight-A student, the future Ivy Leaguer. He was also the one saddled with the role of keeping Rule out of jail and running interference when his twin got into trouble that he couldn’t talk his way out of. Rule was the wild card, the one who lived life to the fullest and made no apologies to those he might offend or hurt along the way. Rome was the boss and the twins adored him and followed his lead through good and bad, because lord knew with the way the three of them looked, there was lots and lots of bad thrown their way. With Remy gone it wasn’t a surprise to anyone that Rome had become even more protective of his remaining brother and that I had fallen seamlessly into the role of trying to keep Rule on some kind of straight and narrow path.

“It’s the least I can do for Margot and Dale. They’ve always done so much for me and asked for so little in return. Suffering Rule’s wrath once a week is a pretty easy sacrifice to make.”

Something flashed in his eyes, which were so much like his brother’s that it sometimes hurt to look into them. Rome wasn’t anyone’s fool and it wouldn’t surprise me if he knew more about all the things I kept locked up than he let on.

“I just don’t want you being the target of Rule being Rule. Mom needs to get over her shit and so does he. Everyone is grown now and life is too short for you to be constantly playing the peacemaker between those two.”

I sighed and lowered my voice as we got to the entrance of the dining room. The table was already set and everyone was already in his regular seat. Dale was at the head of the table, Margot on his right, with an open spot for me. His left side was open for Rome, and Rule had taken the seat at the opposite end of the table as far away from both of his parents as he could get. “They need to move past the fact that he’s never going to be Remy, and he has to stop intentionally cramming that fact down their throats. Until one side gives and learns how to forgive it’s always going to be this way.”

He pressed a superlight kiss to my temple and gave me a little squeeze back. “I don’t think any of them realize how lucky they are to have you, little girl.”

I let him go and went to take my seat between Margot and Rule. I tried not to wince when Rule sent a narrow-eyed look in my direction, knowing Rome and I had more than likely been whispering about him. I slid into my spot and flashed Dale a smile as he started passing the typically lavish food around. I was about to ask Rome what he planned to do with his time off when Margot had me snapping my head around in shock.

“Would it be too much of a stretch to expect you to come to brunch in a shirt that buttons and in a pair of pants that don’t look like they came from a thrift store? I mean, your brother has several broken bones and was in a horrific accident and he still manages to look more put together than you, Rule.”

I had to bite my tongue to stop from snapping at her to lay off him. Mostly because family gatherings were supposed to be informal and fun. I knew good and well that if I had shown up in jeans and a T-shirt she wouldn’t even have blinked, but because it was him she viewed it as a direct attack on her.

He picked a couple pieces of bacon off the platter I handed to him and didn’t even bother to respond to her. Instead, he turned to Rome and asked what his plans were while he was home. Rule wanted him to come to the city for a week and spend time with him and Nash. I saw Margot’s mouth tighten at the dismissal and Dale’s eyebrows pull down in a frown. I saw varying degrees of the same look every Sunday we were here. It hurt my chest because even in a rumpled shirt and torn jeans Rule was the kind of guy who owned whatever look he was wearing. It was the same thing with the mass amounts of tattoos that covered him from head to toe and the array of metal that dotted his face here and there.

There was no denying Rule was a good-looking guy, probably too good-looking, to be honest, but he was complicated, and the beauty he possessed was buried and camouflaged under things that weren’t easy to look past. Of all the brothers, he has the clearest, most arctic blue eyes, and his hair, even when it’s decorated with purple or green or blue, is still the thickest and the shiniest. Even with every color under the sun dancing across his skin, of the three of them, Rule had always been the one the girls gravitated to. Just like the brunette at Starbucks this afternoon. Her name was Amy Rodgers, and I had spent all four years of high school being tormented by her and her cheerleader cronies. She dated jocks and boys who bled blue, not guys who rocked Mohawks and had their eyebrows and lips pierced, but even she couldn’t resist all that was Rule Archer in his magnetic glory.

“And what’s going on with your hair, son?” Dale asked. “A color actually found in nature might be a nice change of pace, especially since the whole family is together and we’re all lucky to have your brother home in one piece.”

I groaned inwardly and silently took the bowl of fruit Margot handed me. Now that they had teamed up on him there was no way he was going to stay quiet. Normally, he ignored his mom and shot sarcastic one-liners at Dale, but being interrupted and attacked from both sides while he was trying to catch up with Rome wasn’t going to fly. Rule had a short fuse on a good day but corner him when he was hungover and being reluctantly civil at best—the fur was, no doubt, going to fly. I shot Rome a panicked look across the table, but before he could interject, Rule’s voice snapped out like a verbal backhand across the face.

“Well, Pops, purple is found all throughout nature so I don’t know what you’re talking about, and as far as my clothes are concerned, I figure we’re all lucky I bothered to even put pants on, considering the condition Shaw found me in this morning. Now, if you’re both done criticizing every move I make, can I continue my conversation with my brother I haven’t seen in over a year, considering he nearly got blown up by a roadside bomb?”

Margot gasped and Dale shoved his chair back from the table. I let my head fall forward and rubbed between my eyes where a headache was starting to throb.

“One afternoon, Rule. One freaking afternoon is all we ask of you.” Dale stormed out of the room and Margot wasted no time bursting into tears. She buried her face in her napkin and I reached over to awkwardly pat her shoulder. I cut a look at Rule but he had climbed to his feet as well and was headed toward the front door. I shot a look at Rome, who just shook his head and lumbered to his feet. Margot lifted her head and looked at her eldest with pleading eyes.

“Tell him, Rome. You go tell him that this is not how you treat your parents. He has no respect.”

She pointed a shaky finger at the door. “You tell him that this is unacceptable.”

Rome looked at me, then back to his mom. “Sure, Mom, I’ll tell him, but I’m also going to tell you that you had no reason to lay into him like that. Who cares if he wants to wear jeans and have hair like a goddamn Smurf? What matters is that he’s here and he made an effort. Shaw took time out of her life, her busy schedule, to make that happen for you and Dad. You waited exactly three seconds before purposely picking at the scab, both of you.”

Margot gasped but Rome wasn’t done. “You and Dad need a wakeup call. I could have just as easily come home in a body bag instead of a cast. You’ve already lost one son; you need to appreciate the ones you have left, regardless of whether you agree with the choices we’re making or not.”

The tears came harder and she leaned her head on my shoulder. “Shaw loves coming to visit on Sunday; we should just stop asking her to bring Rule, because clearly he doesn’t want to be here. I’m done trying to make him be part of this family, it just hurts too much.”

Rome shook his head and both of us sighed. He followed his brother out of the room as I continued to pat Margot on the shoulder. This woman had been kind to me, treated me as a daughter when my own mother had no use for me, so what I was about to say to her came from a place of refusing to watch another family collapse in on itself.

“Margot, you and Dale are wonderful people and good parents, but you have to stop living in the past. I’m not going to come see you on Sundays anymore, not unless you figure out how to accept Rule for exactly who he is and love him anyway. I miss Remy and it was tragic how he died, but you are never going to turn Rule into him, and I can’t stand by and watch you continue to try. My parents have been forcing me into a mold that hasn’t fit me for years and I only wish I had enough will to refuse them the way Rule does.”

I climbed to my feet and had to fight back my own tears when she looked at me with shock and dismay.

“If Remy was here none of this would be happening. You and he would still be happy together, Rule would never have started acting so awful, and Rome never would have gone off and joined the stupid military.”

I had to take a few steps away because there was so much wrong with what she was saying that it nearly floored me. “Margot, Rule was always a handful, he just never bowed to your and Dale’s dictates. Rome was enlisted way before the accident. And I’ve told you a million times Remy was my best friend—we didn’t have feelings for each other like that. I think you need to consider talking to a professional because you’re rewriting history and, while you’re doing it, you’re losing a pretty terrific son.”

“You can’t honestly believe that? Rule is just as awful to you as he is to me and his father.”

I bit my lip and rubbed my temples harder. “He isn’t awful; he’s just harder to love. Remy made it easy for you guys, and Rule never has, but he deserves the effort, and until this family can see that, I have better ways to spend my time. If I wanted bickering and bitterness I would just go home. I love you and Dale, but I see what you’re doing to Rule and I will not be a part of it anymore. Rome was right; you need to appreciate the family you have and not spend your life comparing them to the family you lost. Remy was my whole world, Margot, but he’s gone and Rule is here.”

She crossed her arms and flopped her head down on the table. I knew there would be no getting through to her so I walked to the front door. I wasn’t surprised to see Dale leaning against the kitchen counter, watching me with serious eyes.

“She isn’t going to do well without you coming by. You’re an important part of this family.”

I tucked a few loose strands of hair behind my ear and gave him a rueful smile. “So is your son.”

“Margot isn’t the only one who needs to remember that, and you have to admit that hair is ridiculous.”

I laughed for real this time and walked over to give him a hug. “She needs help, Dale. Remy’s been gone for a while and all she wants to do is push Rule to take his place. That isn’t going to happen, we all know that.”

He kissed the top of my head and set me away from him. “I don’t know why you’re always defending that boy. He’s got a hot temper and a wild streak a mile long. You’re a smart, beautiful girl; you have to know how Rule’s story ends.”

“I don’t believe in skipping ahead, Dale. I read the book all the way through. Tell Margot to give me a call when she calms down, but I’m serious about Sundays. Until it’s an actual family gathering, until Rule stops being vilified for just being who he is and not who you want him to be, I’m not coming. This just hurts too much.”

“Fair enough, little girl, but if you need anything you know we’re just a phone call away.”

“I know.”

“You know he wouldn’t appreciate you falling on the sword for him.”

“Maybe not, Dale, but it’s my sword to fall on and even if nobody, including Rule himself, can see it, he’s worth it. I think so and I know Remy always thought so. You might want to try to remember that the next time he shows up with pink hair.”

I made my way to the driveway and paused when I saw the brothers with their heads bent close together. Rule looked mad and Rome looked sad. It was heartbreaking and impressive all at the same time. Rule saw me first and pulled away. They said something to each other in low tones and bumped fists. Rome pulled Rule into a one-armed hug and made his way over to me. I received the same treatment with the addition of a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m gonna put as many fires out here as I can over the next week or so and then make my way to the city. I’ll hit you up when I can.”

“Try to convince your mom to get some help, Rome, please.”

“I love you, little girl. You try to keep that jackass out of trouble for me.”

I brushed a kiss across his cheek in return. “I always do.”

“I didn’t know it was this bad, Shaw. I’ve missed so much by being away.”

“Families are like anything else, they take work, patience, and people willing to make it work. I’m so very glad you came home, Rome.”

I moved away after another hug and tossed my keys at Rule. “I have a headache. Can you drive back to the city?”

I normally never let him anywhere near my car; he has a lead foot and no regard for other drivers on the road, but I wasn’t going to make it. I felt the headache growing into a migraine and all I wanted to do was close my eyes, crawl into a soft bed, and pull the covers over my head. I got into the passenger seat and curled into a ball.

Rule didn’t say anything as he turned on the ignition and headed toward home. He left the radio off and didn’t even try to bother with forced pleasantries. I knew he wouldn’t apologize for the scene; he never did, so I didn’t even bring it up. I was drifting in and out of a little nap when Gabe’s ringtone started to trill from my pocket. I swore, which was something I rarely did, and turned the stupid thing off. By now my stomach was in knots and I was seeing spots in front of my eyes.

“He calls you now more than when you were dating.” Rule’s voice was low and I wondered if he had any idea how much my head was hurting.

“He’s a pain. I told you he didn’t get it.”

“Is it a problem?” I cracked an eye open because it was really out of character for him to show any concern for me.

“No. I mean it’s only been a couple weeks and I think he misses the idea of me more than actually being with me. I keep thinking he’ll get bored or find someone else and just go away.”

“Make sure you let somebody know if he becomes an issue. No girl should have to deal with that noise.”

“I will.” We lapsed back into silence again until he cleared his throat. I’d known Rule long enough to know he was working his way up to something and I just needed to wait.

“Look, I’m sorry about this morning. I’m sorry about a lot of Sunday mornings. You don’t need to keep seeing me at my worst; in fact, it’s not your job to see to me at all. I’m done with forced family fun time. It’s not doing anything but driving the knife in deeper, and I see that now. This drama has been building for years and it’s not fair that you’re still stuck in the middle of it without Remy to back you up. He loved you to death and I’ve done a piss-poor job honoring that.”

I was in too much pain to argue the semantics of my relationship, or rather nonrelationship, with Remy to Rule yet again. No one in the Archer family seemed to get that we were friends, best friends and nothing more. The legend of our relationship had turned into a monster that I just couldn’t combat, especially when the tiny amount of food I had eaten at brunch was suddenly crawling back up my throat. I lurched forward and grabbed Rule’s arm. It probably wasn’t the smartest move since we were going ninety-five on the freeway, but I was about to toss my cookies in a car that cost more than some people made in a year.

“Pull over!” Rule let out a string of curse words and hastily weaved around a minivan to the shoulder of the road. I got the door open and practically fell on my knees as I lost everything in a violent stream on the asphalt. Warm hands pulled my ponytail out of the way and handed me a ragged bandanna. When I could finally breathe again, I took the bottle of water he handed me and sat back on my heels while the world tilted in a bunch of different directions.

“What’s wrong?”

I sloshed the water around and spit it out on the ground away from the tips of his black boots. “Migraine.”

“Since when do you have those?”

“Since always. I need to lie down in the back.”

He pulled me to my feet with a hand under my arm and I realized it was the first time in years he had ever deliberately touched me. We never hugged, never brushed against each other, never high-fived or shook hands. We were strictly in a hands-off type of relationship, so my system almost revolted at the contact. I groaned as he practically shoved me back into the car. I am short, so stretching out along the backseat wasn’t a big deal. Rule got back behind the wheel and looked at me over his shoulder. “You gonna make it the rest of the way?”

I threw an arm over my eyes and placed a hand on my roiling belly. “It’s not like I have a choice. Just be ready to pull over again if I scream at you.”

He pulled back into traffic and was quiet for only a minute before demanding, “Does everyone know you get migraines?”

“No. I don’t get them very often, just when I’m stressed out or not sleeping well.”

“Did Remy know?”

I wanted to sigh but I just answered, “Yes.”

He muttered something I couldn’t hear and I felt him, rather than saw him, look back at me. “He never told me. He told me everything, even crap I had zero interest in hearing—he never shut up about you.”

He was wrong, so very, very wrong, but that was Remy’s secret and even though he was gone I still would go to my grave with it. There was a lot Rule and Rome never knew about their brother, things that he was scared to share, things he battled with on a daily basis. The fact that I had migraines and was irrevocably in love with Rule didn’t even scratch the surface.

“He probably just forgot about it; like I said, I don’t get them very often and when you guys moved to Denver and I still had to finish high school, he probably just forgot they happened because we didn’t hang out as much anymore. They’ve been worse the last few years.” I didn’t have to explain it was because Remy was gone and all the stress he balanced out for me was now my own to deal with.

“That seems like kinda a big deal to slip his mind.”

“Contrary to what all you Archers have stuck in your head there was a lot more to Remy than our friendship and what was or was not going on with me.”

He snorted loudly. “Yeah, right. Remy was a different person after he found you. He was always a good guy, always the best of all of us, but once you came along it was like he finally found his purpose. You gave him someone to care about without any of the bullshit baggage the rest of us had. You made him better.”

My heart squeezed so tight in my chest I thought for a second everything inside me was going to turn inside out. “Well, he saved me, so we made each other better.”

We fell into an uncomfortable silence again until the car stopped in front of his apartment complex. He turned in the seat and looked down at me. I peeked at him from under my arm. The blue in his eyes was all but swallowed up by the paler silver and gray. “Can you get back to University Park or do you need me to take you? I can have Nash follow us since he’s home from work.” It was a nice offer, one I was surprised he extended, but I had had my fill of Archers for the day, and the drive from Capitol Hill to University Park wasn’t that bad on a Sunday in the early evening.

“I’ll make it. It’s not that far.” I scrambled out of the back and had to lean on the door frame while he got out of the driver’s seat. We were standing so close I could see the pulse in his throat thumping under the hummingbird tattoo he had there. “Thanks, though.”

He exhaled and rubbed his hands roughly over his face. He took a step back and made sure I was looking him dead in the eye when he told me, “I’m serious about Sunday. Don’t show up here next week expecting me to play nice. I’m over it.”

I snapped a salute with two fingers to my brow and let my body collapse in the seat he had just vacated. “Message received. My services as chauffeur slash buffer are no longer needed, which means I probably won’t be seeing you around. Try to take care of yourself, Rule, seriously; somebody has to.”

I shut the door before he could say anything else and didn’t even wait until he moved away from the car to put it in reverse and pull away from the apartment complex. It was a short drive to my own apartment that I shared with my best friend, Ayden.

I had met Ayden freshman year when we shared a dorm room together. She was a chem major, worked at the same sports bar I did, and totally had the patience to deal with all my endless neurotic crap. Her family background was no picnic, either, so I loved that I could always rely on her to be there for me. She was also smart as hell and it had taken her exactly zero seconds to figure the reason my social life was boring and that I could never commit to any of the guys I dated was because I was hung up on Rule Archer. So when I came stumbling in hurting, with tears in my eyes, she put me to bed without questions and closed the blinds in my room while she fetched me some painkillers and a giant glass of water.

The bed depressed when she climbed up next to me as I kicked my peep-toe heels off and tugged my belt through the loops on my slacks.

“It was bad today?” Ayden was from Kentucky and her Southern drawl rolled over me like a soothing balm.

“He was with some skank again, he had a hickey the size of Alaska on his neck, my mortal enemy from high school hit on him at Starbucks, and it took Margot and Dale less than a minute to insult his clothes and hair and remind him he is not now nor will he ever be his dead twin brother. Luckily, this time they left out his job and disregard for manners, but he blew his top and stormed out. They’ve all decided it’s best we no longer come up on Sundays, making this the second family I’ve been a part of that can’t figure it out and just love and appreciate one another. To top it all off, Gabe has been blowing up my phone all day and I can’t think of anyone I want to talk to less. So yeah, it was really fucking bad today.”

She brushed a hand over my hair and laughed softly. “Girl, the situations you find yourself in.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Did you give him the key to his place back?”

I moaned a little and buried my head in the pillow. “No. I totally spaced out, but it’s not like I’m in any hurry to walk in on him and two girls at once again. Honestly I’ll be super glad to never have to see Rule’s pierced junk again.”

She snickered a laugh at me and rolled over onto her back so that she was staring at the ceiling. Ayden’s hair was as black as mine was blond and cut in a funky short pixie style. She had big whiskey-colored eyes and a heart that was pure gold. Besides Remy, she was the best friend I’d ever had. I loved her for not making me have to lay it all out for her to sift through—she just got it. While she might not understand how I spent my time equally loathing and loving a person who viewed me as nothing more than a nuisance, she never condemned or criticized me for it.

“That boy, he is a handful.”

“I don’t know, maybe the space will be good for me. Maybe time away from the whole family will finally give me the breathing room to kill the way I’ve always felt about him. I can’t spend the rest of my life walking away from other people just because they aren’t Rule.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m sorry to see Gabe go, but you do deserve someone who treats you amazing and loves you in all the right ways. You’ve earned it, because no one I’ve ever met in my whole life loves as freely and gives as much as you do. Seeing as those parents of yours might as well be carved out of ice, that’s just a damn miracle. You’re a good girl, Shaw, and at the very least you deserve a good guy.”

I folded my hands together on the bed and laid my cheek down on them. My head was slowly starting to stop throbbing and all I wanted to do was take a nap and maybe work on processing everything that had happened today.

Ayden was right; I did deserve a good guy. I knew what one looked like, knew what one acted like, in fact I had been best friends with the ultimate good guy. Remy embodied everything any sane girl would want in a boyfriend and yet I had never had those feelings for him, not once. I remembered clearly the first time he had taken me home with him. I was fourteen and having a really hard time fitting in with all the preppy, rich kids my first year of high school. I know now that image and brands mattered, but back then I just wanted to wear jeans and my hair in a ponytail. Remy had been sixteen and captain of the football team. He found me crying outside the girls’ locker room one day after a particularly nasty verbal beat-down from Amy and her crew. He didn’t make fun of me, didn’t ask questions or get all weird because I was a freshman and he was a junior. He just bundled me up and carted me home with him because I was sad and alone and he didn’t want me to be either of those things ever again. He told me he could tell by my eyes that I was a kind person, that I needed someone to look out for me, and from that minute on he decided he would be the person to do it. I remembered all the warm and fuzzy feelings that came with that moment, remembered the gratitude and overwhelming joy I felt at finally having someone see how worthy and deserving of unconditional love I was, but what I remembered most was everything inside me going upside down when Rule walked into the kitchen and tilted his chin at me and asked, “Who’s the chick?”

My heart stopped beating, my lungs felt like they were going to collapse, my skin was suddenly too tight all over my body, and I couldn’t form a rational thought or a coherent sentence. Back then I chalked it up to a silly teenage crush; all the Archer boys were good-looking and had qualities that made them larger than life. Every girl I knew had had the prerequisite infatuation with a bad boy at one time or another. Of course, they normally grew out of it when they realized the bad boy was just an ass and they deserved to be treated better. But as time went on and things changed, my feelings never did even though it was clear they were never going to be returned. Rule only saw me as Remy’s little tagalong; a spoiled little rich girl, and then as we got older, as Remy’s girlfriend. That sucked because I had never been any of those things and as a result I sabotaged relationships, turned down guy after guy simply because I didn’t want a good guy—I wanted the one who was damaged and blind to the way I felt.

I was a good girl. I was loyal and honest and I worked hard and invested a lot of time and energy in building a secure future for myself. I stayed out of trouble and went out of my way to try to be the polished and perfect daughter my parents wanted me to be, and the successful, driven woman the Archers had given me the confidence to be. What I never spent any time being was the person that I actually felt like I was. She was locked somewhere deep inside me, suffocating and still holding on to the hope that Rule would notice she was alive. It was exhausting, and in the vulnerable moments when I was brutally honest with myself, I had to admit I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep it up.