Читать книгу Close to the Bone - Jean Shinoda Bolen - Страница 32

In the myth, Psyche's unseen bridegroom would come to her in the dark of the night and be gone by morning. Metaphorically, she was in an unconscious relationship. Fearing that he could be a monster, Psyche followed her sisters’ advice, hid a lamp and a knife, and waited until he had fallen asleep. She needed the lamp to see him and the knife to cut off his head if indeed he were a monster.

These two symbols, the lamp and the knife, are both necessary for a psyche—for a soul—to act decisively when we know the truth. The lamp is a symbol of illumination, of consciousness, the means of seeing a situation clearly. The knife, like the sword, is a symbol of decisive action, of the capacity to cut through confusion, to sever bonds when necessary. The lamp without the knife is not adequate: it is insight into the situation without the capacity to act upon this perception. Usually if we cannot act upon what we know, clarity dims—it's too uncomfortable to be aware; adaptation, rationalization, and denial work against staying conscious.

That her life could depend upon severing bonds with several people who depleted her was an intuition heeded by one woman who, on getting a diagnosis of cancer, met with each one to tell them of her diagnosis and with tact and nonnegotiable clarity say that she would no longer be available for phone conversations or time together. For another woman, once she learned her diagnosis, it became possible to distance herself from her narcissistic mother and to weather the guilt and accusations that accompanied it. That her life depended upon divorcing her husband was made clear to a third woman, who for the first and only time in her life heard an emphatic voice in her head say, “You must get a divorce.” This, when she was in her doctor's office to hear the results of a biopsy that confirmed that she had cancer.

Insight followed by decisive action—the lamp and the sword— are needed for people to change or end difficult, damaging, or destructive relationships. Before the diagnosis, many of these women had the lamp but not the sword; they knew that they were in relationships that took a toll on them, but did not feel entitled to act upon this knowledge. Women are often held captive by the emotional needs or intimidating demands of others, coupled with an inability to say “No!” These demanding people are draining, they take from us; there is a cost in emotional and physical resources, in time and energy. Resentment grows when we know this but do not speak up and act to change or end these relationships. Continuing to be in them has a depressing effect on our mood and well-being, which in turn can depress our immune system and reduce our resistance to disease.