Читать книгу Picking Up the Pieces without Picking Up - Jennifer Storm - Страница 11

CHAPTER ONE When Crime Hits Home

You have just found yourself a part of a statistic you no doubt never wished to be included in—a crime victim. You are not alone. Crime affects more than a million households each and every year, leaving many people in its wake with more questions than answers. You are in shock; you feel numb, confused, and in disbelief. Emotions like anger, fear, despair, confusion, hatred, denial, indifference, and many more are also common. You may not be able to even identify your emotions right now, as they may all be swirling around you and closing in on you at every turn.

Right now, I want you to stop, take a deep breath, and exhale. Repeat this ten times. Clear your mind and try to regain your footing while you begin to take the first critical steps toward healing. Although it may feel like no one else in the world could relate to what you are going through right now, I promise you that is not the case. If you cannot even put into words what you are feeling, know that that is normal. You are taking a positive step by opening this book and trying to sort through the wreckage that has become your life. Today is a good day because you are doing something good for yourself. I want you to acknowledge this to yourself.

AFFIRMATION Today I am doing okay. I survived, and I am alive. I do not have to let this crime define me. I am a good person, and I did absolutely nothing to bring this act of violence into my life. It’s not my fault. I am not responsible for the actions of others.

The fact that you are reading this book is a step toward your healing. Even if you just open it and close it, you have done something positive. Remember, there is no timeline for completing this book. While it will be your guide through the criminal justice process, you do not have to follow each and every section or task at the same time you are experiencing the events surrounding your case. This is your journey, and you are in control of how you progress through it. This book is here to serve as a tool to help you identify your emotions and process them in a healthy way, and to educate and empower you about the criminal justice system you now involuntarily find yourself participating in.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am sorry that a person or people have come into your life and shifted your reality. I am sorry you have been harmed both emotionally and physically. You did not deserve this. You did not invite this crime into your life. We all have the right to live in this world with the promise of security and safety. I am sorry someone has taken your security. I know it feels like the foundation you once walked upon is now shaky and uncertain, and some days just to get up out of bed and take one step takes all the effort you can muster. If you managed to do that today, then I say congratulations to you. That is indeed an important first step. I cannot promise you that you will ever feel 100 percent safe again. The healing process will take time. For some, it will take only a few months or years to regain their footing. For others, it will be a longer journey. Always keep in mind that it is a journey—there is no end point in personal growth and recovery.

We all walk each and every day with the understanding that we only have today. We do not have to do everything perfectly today, as that is impossible to do. But we need to participate in the process, and sometimes we just need to suit up and show up. If you are reading this chapter today, then you have done that, and that is something to be proud of.

In recovery we often hear “one day at a time,” but when trauma and victimization come into our lives it often feels like we can only make it one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. That is also true of early recovery—it can be a minute-by-minute struggle, and this is no different. If you can make it through the next couple of minutes that it takes to get to the end of this page, then you have done something important for yourself.

Your life has changed. Everything is different today. Everyone you once trusted has become suspect. Every certainty about the world and your existence in it is being challenged. But here is what you do know today: you are alive, you are in recovery, and you are not alone.

There is nothing in your life today

that a drink or drug or your

addictive behavior of choice won’t

make ten times worse.

Be gentle with yourself. Just as your journey in recovery from addiction holds no timeline but your own, the same applies for your healing from this trauma. No one can speed up this process for you, and no one has the right to dictate your course of action. It probably feels like there is no one around who can understand or relate to your pain. In some ways you are correct—your feelings and emotions associated with this experience are unique to you. But the important thing to know is that you don’t need to feel alone. While others may not be able to fully understand the depth of your grief or pain, there are many people around you who are willing to be there for you to lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, arms to surround you with a hug, and a smile to give you hope. Find these people in your life.

They will become your greatest assets in the upcoming days, months, and years. They may come in unlikely forms. You may feel there is no one in your family or group of friends who can offer this, and if that is the case, look outside your immediate support system. There are victim advocates in your community who are willing and able to provide this assistance to you. If no one has reached out to you already, please find someone. Almost every town, county, or city has victim advocates or coordinators. Check your local phone directory, search online, or call your local police department to find out where they are. Chapter Eight will go into detail about what a victim advocate is and what he or she can offer you during your time in the criminal justice system. It is crucial that you have people you can call.

Right now your entire life lens has been shattered. Think of yourself before the crime. You had a clear vision of what your life looked like, and you were comfortable with that vision. Since the crime occurred it may feel like someone took your glasses off, shattered the lenses, and then put them back on your face. Now your vision is blurry and distorted, and nothing looks the same around you. This is a very normal response to a very abnormal event that has occurred in your life. Your world and your view of it have been altered. It will take time to pick up those pieces and put them back together. Your vision may be blurry for a while, but at some point, I can promise you, you will see clearly again. You will recognize the world again. It will just take time, and it will be a different world and a different view.

To do this you will need tools. Just as with the rebuilding of anything, be it a house, a car, or a community, you need the right tools to get the job done.

EXERCISE

Think about what it is you need to begin to heal. In order to know what you need, it is important to first identify how you feel. Try to identify what you are feeling right now. It is okay if you do not know exactly how you feel; just begin by writing whatever comes up for you in this moment. Use a separate journal or notebook, or if you do not have one, grab a piece of paper and begin writing.

Close your eyes and take ten long, deep breaths. Try to quiet your mind as you focus solely on your breathing—breathing in deeply through the nose, filling your lungs to capacity, and then blowing all that stale air out through your mouth and into the universe. Once you have completed ten of these, try to articulate on paper your answers to these questions:

1. What would help you right now?

2. What is the one thing you could use that would make you feel better?

3. What would help you sleep, breathe easier, smile?

It is okay if you left some questions blank or if your answers are filled with negative thoughts, such as “I could use a drink.” I want you to be as honest as you possibly can in these exercises. It is natural for those of us in recovery to want to engage in addictive behaviors when bad things happen. Heck, it was normal for us to want to engage in our addictive behaviors when good things happened, so why wouldn’t we look to those things we once used in order to help us through something terrible? As addicts, this is part of our reality and our process. However, today we do not have to give in to the negative thoughts and the old behaviors that led us to pain, remorse, and destruction in our lives. Today we have a choice. In our active addiction it was our knee-jerk reaction to reach for something outside of ourselves to help us deal with what was going on inside of us. Usually those things were not beneficial to our recovery or our lives.

Recovery is a learned set of

behaviors, and like any behavior or

habit, we must practice it in order

to keep it functioning properly.

Think of your recovery as a muscle; you need to flex it often to keep it in shape. The great thing about muscles is that they have amazing memory, so if you haven’t flexed your muscle in a while, that is okay, because as soon as you do it will remember and work with you quickly.

Our secrets will keep us sick. We must expose our deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings or they will harm us. This is your safe space to do that. Let it out. Use your journal now to expose those thoughts. The very act of taking them from inside of you and putting them out in writing in front of you is an extremely brave and powerful act. If you cannot list them all now, you can leave blank spaces to fill in at a later time if you need to.

Building your support system “When I received the news that my son had been murdered, I immediately thought of a drink. I just wanted to numb the pain. Thankfully, I had a support system around me to remind me that a drink would only make it worse.”

You cannot do this alone. No one can. It is vital for you to begin to build a support system around you during this time. You will need people to call and talk to for emotional support. You will also need guidance as you walk through the criminal justice system. Victim advocates and victim assistance coordinators are available to walk you through this process.

EXERCISE

Think of the people in your life who you can call right now for help. These can include a pastor, a friend, a family member, a teacher, a police officer, an advocate—anyone you feel comfortable talking to. Take a moment now to make a list of those you already know you can call. List their names, relationships to you, and ways to contact them, such as email addresses and phone numbers. Additionally, list exactly what each person can offer you. Can he or she provide facts, emotional support, a solid listening ear, good advice?

The following table contains suggestions for you to consider when building your support system. You may have already listed some of these, and if so, great—you are beginning to understand what it takes to start healing. If you didn’t have these listed, that is okay too. You cannot be expected to know what you need or want right now. Remember to be gentle with yourself.

Emotional support	Someone who can hug you, listen to you, and give you a shoulder to cry on. Someone you can call at any hour of the night or day and who will be there to offer support.
Guidance support	Someone who has information and resources that will be helpful to you, such as a victim advocate, a counselor, a police officer or coordinator in the police department, or your sponsor.
Distraction support	Someone you can go and have fun with, who will help take your mind off everything and allow you to just be you.
Recovery support	Someone who can get you to a meeting or a support group that can help you with your specific situation.

Try to identify a handful of people who you know today can offer this support to you.

Have you had contact with your sponsor or counselor? If you do not have a sponsor in a recovery program, do you have a support system or an advocate you can call and check in with on a daily basis?

You are going to find that you need a range of assistance. Sometimes you will need a person to listen to you, other times you will need to cry and you will need a hug, and sometimes you will need information. The following exercise is to help you sort through and list your contacts so will you have a quick reference guide when you need it. These people will make up your core support system. You may have one or two names or you may have ten, as long as you have at least one.

People I can call for help (based on the four types of support)

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Whom can I call when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on?

Whom can I call when I need to vent and just need someone to listen?

Whom can I call in the middle of the night?

GUIDANCE SUPPORT

Who is the police officer working on my case?

Who is my victim advocate?

Where can I go for counseling or a support group?

DISTRACTION SUPPORT

With whom can I do some physical activity (for instance, running, walking)?

With whom can I do something fun (for instance, a movie, games)?

RECOVERY SUPPORT

Whom can I call to give me a ride to meetings so I don’t have to go alone?

Whom can I ask to keep me accountable with my recovery meetings and to ensure I am getting to them?

Where can I find a support group of others who have experienced similar situations?

You may not have a vast support system, and that is okay; you can begin to build one. Try to think of what is missing in the support group you listed, and identify where you can find that support.

EXERCISE

Are there any other types of support that you need at this time? If yes, what are they?

Acknowledging what you are powerless over Jane’s house was broken into last winter; almost everything she and her family valued was stolen while they were out one night. She had to remind herself each day that she was powerless over the things she had lost. She could not will them back; she could not change the fact that her family felt scared each night; she could not control that she woke up at exactly 2:30 each morning in a panic.

Treat your healing from this crime just like you did in your early recovery. It will take baby steps, and these steps must be taken in your time and within your comfort level. Just like in early recovery when we had to acknowledge that we were powerless over our addiction, we must also accept that we are powerless over the crime that has affected us. We cannot change what has happened to us. The only thing in our control is how we move forward. The crime that permeated your life has rocked your control center. It may feel like your life is out of control right now, but it’s not—not totally. Determining for yourself what is in your control and what is simply beyond your reach will help you understand what next steps you can take and should take to move toward your healing. I’d like to help you to identify the things you are powerless over right now.

EXERCISE

Complete this statement: I am powerless over____________________ .

Just as we do in the First Step of the Twelve Steps of recovery, we must determine what in our life is now unmanageable as a result of the crime that has infiltrated our way of life. By making a list of ways our life is now unmanageable, we can determine how to bring those things back into a manageable place. Awareness is the key. If we know what we need and what we lack, we can help bring our lives back into a harmonious balance. Take a moment now to list ways your life is currently unmanageable.

Admitting we are powerless and that an area of our lives has become unmanageable can be a humbling experience. After all, we are responsible adults; we have tackled recovery, and now we are faced once again with feeling like we are starting over emotionally. We may have been taught that to be in control means we are successful. Relinquishing that control can be such a challenge. Victimization and trauma temporarily remove control from our lives, as the act of another has swept in and caused a shift in our balance. In what ways do you feel stressed or overwhelmed by the lack of balance in your life today?

Applying Step One to your healing process To admit we are powerless over a situation, person, or thing is an extreme act of humility that requires us to override our egos and accept that there isn’t anything we can do. However, there are extraordinary gifts in the First Step and in this act of admission and submission. Truly understanding that we are completely powerless over something that has happened to us can ease the heavy burden of guilt that many crime victims carry around. You were powerless; you couldn’t have changed the outcome of this crime regardless of what you did or didn’t do. For some, Step One can offer some relief as it respectfully shifts responsibility to the party who should be held responsible—the offender.

This does not mean that you remain powerless; you have the power to take the necessary steps toward healing and regaining that vital balance we all strive for in recovery and life. Balance is the full understanding that while life may shift from one extreme to the next, we have the ability to pull ourselves—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—back into the center. The center is that place where we are neither hysterical nor apathetic; rather, it is a place of soft and calm where we can see ourselves in our truest form. We can think clearly and react to anything that comes our way in an authentic and honorable way. We can behave in a manner that is consistent with who we truly are, and not in a reactionary, emotionally extreme, or emotionally absent way.

In so many ways this level of balance is the crux of a solid recovery program. I know for me personally, my life is all about finding the balance and maintaining it always. I am at my best when I feel balanced. Stress, victimization, and crime shake our balance like nothing else, and the best way to get that balance back lies within our degree of self-awareness and our ability to have an understanding of ourselves.

EXERCISE

In our active addiction, it’s all about extremes and swinging from one extreme to the next. Recovery and healing are about pulling those extremes into balance. The same can be said for recovering from a trauma in our lives. In order to do that, we must understand what we can change and what we cannot. So think about what is within your reach and what you do have control over today. What can you change today?

Today I have the ability to control . . . (For instance, I can get out of bed, take a shower, make a to-do list.)

Congratulations on completing this first chapter. You are off to a great start. You now have a list of people and tools you can turn to when you need them. During those times when you need emotional support, guidance support, distraction support, or meeting support, you now know exactly whom to call. You have also identified some of your initial feelings and needs. You have realized once again in your life that you are not in control and could be way out of balance. Let’s end this chapter with the axis of recovery, the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.