Читать книгу The Little Book of Otter Philosophy - Jennifer McCartney - Страница 12

‘The holy passion of Friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.’

Mark Twain

‘Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.’

Martin Luther King, Jr

Otter Fact: Otters like to strike up friendships with other species. These unlikely alliances include cats, goats, dogs and, in some cases, people. One otter in Finland has been visiting his human friend for food and companionship since 2011. Another, named Pip, likes to play tag with his owner’s pet cat, Sam.

In a world that can often seem politically divided, lonely and just plain cruel, the otter is a reminder that it’s possible (and beneficial) to have friendships with people who are different from ourselves. It can be tough sometimes, though – a 2016 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that we’re hard-wired to choose like-minded friends and partners. We prefer having a comfortable social circle where everyone can relax and take it easy. This is great – until it isn’t. Researchers warn that this quest for similarity can result in a lack of exposure to new ideas and perspectives: ‘If you hang out only with people who are loony like you, you can be out of touch with the big, beautiful diverse world,’ says Chris Crandall, professor of psychology at Kansas University. So, get out of your comfort zone in order to broaden your worldview. Challenge yourself to chat with people a bit different from yourself. Do they speak another language? Are they very into fitness or meat pies or Brexit? Who knows, it may be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Otter Fact: Otters hold hands while they’re sleeping. It’s technically to keep themselves from drifting away. Who wants to wake up alone in the open ocean? Not otters. And perhaps it also makes them feel nice. Watching them hold hands certainly feels nice, anyway.

Giving and receiving little forms of physical affection is one of a relationship’s great joys. Whether it’s entangled legs on a couch with your best friend, or a rub of the shoulders on a crowded train from a partner, or a deep, loving hug from a parent or grandparent, these expressions of affection are what make life worthwhile. And they keep us healthier, too. According to Professor Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine, touch ‘leads to a chain of bioelectric and chemical changes that basically relax the nervous system’. That means a simple touch actually releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin and lowers levels of the primary stress hormone, cortisol. So something as simple as holding hands can lower blood pressure, reduce stress and calm the heart rate. The effects are lasting, too. Studies show the mental benefits of physical affection last until the following day: a hug today can put us in a better mood tomorrow. So, make like an otter and show someone how much you care. A furry friend. A bestie. A mum or dad. A stuffed animal. Whatever! Give someone you love a hug.*

‘I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?’

Bill Murray

Otter Fact: Otters are an extremely chatty bunch. They have nine distinct vocalisations they use to communicate – they are: whistles, chirps, chuckles, clicks, coos, whines, snarls, screams and growls.

It should be evident that communication is the key to any successful relationship. Luckily, we have the ability to communicate with our loved ones instantaneously, 24 hours a day, via texting, video chats, email and direct messaging. There’s also old-fashioned phone calls and, of course, we even see each other in person occasionally, too. So why does it feel so tough, sometimes? Why do we feel distant from our loved ones, or misunderstood, ignored or unfulfilled? Just like everything else in life, good communication takes practice.

According to Dr Michelle Rosser-Majors, a professor of psychology at Ashford University: ‘As human beings, we aspire to feel competent, valued and appreciated. Positive words have this type of power, creating the solid foundations needed to build strong, productive relationships that resonate clear lines of communications.’ So – this may sound blindingly obvious, but part of successful communication is saying nice things to people you care about once in a while. One way to do this is to use ‘words of affirmation’, according to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. This means offering kind, encouraging words as often as possible – including unsolicited compliments, expressions of gratitude or words of endearment. And this isn’t just a bit of feel-good advice, either. It’s scientifically proven to make both parties feel better.

In the book Words Can Change Your Brain by Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman, the authors found that both speaking and hearing positive words could increase cognitive reasoning, strengthen our frontal lobes and motivate us to repeat the behaviour that inspired the affirmative words. So next time you’re feeling praise-y, don’t forget to let your friend or partner know. That cup of tea you made was so great! I had so much fun on the water slide today! I appreciate the advice you gave me about how I need to pluck my chin hairs once in a while! You know, nice things like that. And if you’re texting, don’t forget the exclamation mark. In a study in 2016, psychologist Danielle Gunraj found that texts punctuated with a full stop were perceived as being insincere. And, conversely, linguists have found that multiple exclamation marks convey honesty.

Otter Fact: While many otter species are polygamous, some river otters mate for life. Asian small-clawed otters pick just one partner and stick with them forever.

How do otters make a long-term relationship work? We can’t ask them directly, but it’s safe to assume it involves a lot of fun and games. According to psychiatrist Dr Stuart Brown, head of the National Institute for Play, a light-hearted approach to intimacy can help a partnership stay healthy. ‘The couples who sustain a sense of mutual playfulness with each other tend to work out the wrinkles in their relationships much better than those who are really serious,’ he says in an interview with NPR in the States. And a sense of humour is important, too. According to research done by human development and family studies professor Brian Ogolsky at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, couples who use humour to defuse situations are more likely to stay together than those who don’t. It isn’t about being funny, though, he notes. It’s about how we use humour in times of stress – turning a potentially negative interaction into a positive one.

Finally, what seems to be obvious is supported by science: doing fun activities with a loved one can be beneficial to the relationship. A study entitled ‘Compatibility, Leisure and Satisfaction in Marital Relationships’ found that a relationship benefited from shared leisure time as long as both partners enjoyed the activity. (That means if one person isn’t into it,† the whole relationship actually suffers.) So find your compatible interests, and make time for them: suntanning, hitting up the art gallery, playing darts, going to the movies, saving the elephants,‡ whatever you want, as long as you both enjoy it.

‘In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.’

Khalil Gibran

Otter Fact: Otters wrap themselves in kelp to help anchor themselves while they nap.

We once saw a bunch of very sunburned people floating in inner tubes down the Bow River which runs through downtown Calgary, Canada. There were about 20 in the group, each one’s tube linked to the next, and all holding a can of Budweiser, except for the few who appeared to be napping. Styrofoam containers with more beer floated behind them, also tethered by ropes. Bathrooms? Not important. Mobiles? Nope. Sunblock? Didn’t look like it. All we heard was laughter, conversation and the pleasant hum of the river as it washed them downstream – a magic web of drunk friendship. This kind of dedication to both nap and playtime, drinking and friendship, is definitely something to strive for. How can you up your nap game? A weighted blanket? A drop of melatonin? A hammock? A body pillow? What about your friendships? Time for a bit of axe-throwing? Canoeing? A simple pub crawl? Whatever you decide, I wish for you the kind of joy that comes from being drunk in a river in an inner-tube convoy with your best mates. That’s the stuff friendships are made of.