Читать книгу The Fireman's Secret - Jessica Keller - Страница 11
ОглавлениеJoel’s gaze followed Shelby as she left the chief’s office.
Chief Wheeler rose from his desk, crossed the room and shut the door to his office. “Shelby is a very special young woman.”
“Yes, I know.” With the news about the church’s destruction swirling through his mind, Joel couldn’t quite make eye contact with the chief. What if someone discovered the role he played in the fire? Would he be able to justify his actions? He hadn’t realized he’d destroyed the whole building. He’d only meant to ruin a wall or something of that magnitude. Just enough to send the message to God that he was not okay with what had been happening in his life.
“How well do you know Shelby?” The chief moved to the edge of his desk and scooted so he was sitting, which brought him very near to where Joel sat.
Relax. He commanded the muscles in his back and arms to ease. Focusing on Shelby helped, since she had nothing to do with the fire. “I knew her years ago. From when I lived here before. I was more friends with Caleb than with her, but she tagged along most of the time when we hung out...like an annoying little sister should.”
He chuckled as a memory pushed its way into his mind, one of Shelby trying to chase after Caleb, Miles and Joel as they tried to sneak out of youth group to go waterskiing. When they wouldn’t let her follow she went and tattled on them. The youth pastor made the boys clean the church’s bathrooms every Saturday for the next month.
“A lot can happen in fourteen years, son.” The tone in Chief Wheeler’s voice changed on the last word. It became softer, kinder.
It sounded a bit like forgiveness. Or was Joel hearing things through the filter of misguided hope?
Joel finally met the man’s eyes. “You’re right. That’s a lot of time. Life’s moved on for all of us, and I’m just glad for the chance to be back, however long that is. Chief, I’m not sure how much you remember about how I was as a teen—”
“Enough.” Wheeler grinned. The chief had been a regular fireman back then, and in a town where everyone knew everyone, Joel was aware that despite the buffer of fourteen years, some of his troubled past was still common knowledge in Goose Harbor.
“I’m not that kid anymore. I hope you know that.”
“I wouldn’t have hired you if I thought you were.” The chief tugged a manila folder from the stack on his desk. “Speaking of which, I wanted to talk to you about the employee information form I asked you to fill out.”
Joel gripped the armrest. Please don’t ask about Charlie. Charlie Greave had saved Joel’s life, let him live with his family while Joel pursued his training, and helped Joel land his first position in a firehouse. Charlie had been the only lasting father figure he’d ever known, but then Charlie had left, too. Although, Charlie had fought his illness bravely, he’d lost. Joel didn’t trust himself to talk about it.
Wheeler tugged a single piece of paper from the folder and handed it to Joel. “I think you forgot to list an emergency contact.”
“No. It’s all filled out.” Joel refused to glance at the page. He didn’t want to see the blank lines that he’d never be able to fill in. Name of spouse. Names and ages of children. He didn’t know the first thing about how to be a good boyfriend, husband or father. All he had to offer a girl was a bunch of baggage, and if Joel knew anything, it was that he was man enough to save a woman that sort of disappointment.
Chief Wheeler stood and paced to the window in his office that overlooked the shopping district in town. “Why haven’t you listed an emergency contact?”
“Because I don’t have one.” Why did his stomach feel as if he’d swallowed acid?
“No one?” The chief turned around to face him. “This isn’t your first department, so I’m not going to pretend you don’t know how dangerous our work can be. I do everything in my power to keep the people under my command safe. You understand that, don’t you?”
Joel nodded.
“But I can’t guarantee you won’t get hurt.” Wheeler crossed his arms over his barrel-sized chest. “Many a fireman has had to pay the ultimate price in order to save others.”
“I’m aware of the dangers, sir.” In fact, it was the whole reason Joel had become a firefighter six years ago. The job made his life matter. Finally.
Wheeler’s bushy orange eyebrows dove. “I thought I told you no more calling me sir.”
“You did. I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time understanding what you need from me.”
Wheeler dropped into the chair Shelby had vacated. “You’re telling me that if the worst should happen to you, there’s no one in the world you would want me to contact? Not one single person?”
Joel shuffled his feet. “Is that a problem?”
“No relations? No friends who might wish to be told?”
Joel tucked his hands into his coat pockets. “My mom overdosed about a year after she got released from prison the last time around, and she’s the only family member I knew of.” He shouldn’t have shared that. The chief didn’t need to know about his personal struggles. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. Why is this important to my paperwork?”
“I’m worried about you, Palermo. That’s what. Not having an emergency contact could make you a reckless firefighter. I can’t have you taking chances that’ll harm my other men. An attachment outside of the fire keeps you sane.”
The chief couldn’t be letting him go. Not after Joel moved his whole life up here. How long would his status as an orphan be held against him? Until he died? No, the chief had done a bang-up job reminding him no one would mourn Joel when his time came.
Joel sat up straighter. “You have my paperwork from my last station. At my last post I was recognized for—”
The chief held up his hand to stop Joel’s words. “I’ve read about your accolades and awards. You’re a member of a standby hotshot team. I’m not minimizing that at all. What I am saying, however, is that the rest of this department has strong ties to spouses, children, parents, longtime friends or extended family. When they’re in a burning building they can keep their cool and make decisions because in the back of their minds they’re reminded they have someone who needs them at home. It adds a layer of...weight to their work that keeps them from putting themselves and others in unnecessarily dangerous positions. You don’t have that.”
“Well, I’m not sure what you want me to do exactly. There’s still no one I can add to the line for emergency contacts. Not one person in the world would miss me if I was gone.” He tried to swallow, but his throat felt so tight. Dante was the only creature on earth that’d even miss him.
Chief Wheeler gripped Joel’s shoulder. “Want to know how you can fix this for me? Find something worth coming home to.”
* * *
Shelby ran her sleeve across her forehead. It might only have been the start of summer, but the temperature was already rising. And riding across town on two half-filled bike tires didn’t help, either. She’d yet to hear back from the mechanic about her car, but hopefully the old Volkswagen could be saved, because she wouldn’t be able to bike to all her dog-walking locations. While she was happy her small business had taken off in the past month, she didn’t love driving all over the county in order to make enough to pay rent. If only she could find a way to merge her love of animals with something that would keep her from having to commute from house to house.
Ida Ashby lived in a small cottage just to the right of the West Oaks Inn bed-and-breakfast. The cottage could have popped right off the page of a fairy tale.
She licked her lips, grabbed hold of the copper knocker and knocked.
“Well, now, come on in with you,” Ida’s soft, sweet voice called through one of the open windows.
Shelby eased open the door. “Hi, Ida.”
“Hi there, sweet thing. What brings you down my way?” Though she had been alone in her house, Ida wore a dress. Her hair was pulled back and her Mary Jane shoes shimmered below her crossed ankles.
“I hate to sound rude, but I came to ask you about some money.” Shelby fidgeted with her bag.
Ida set down her mug of tea and peered over her glasses. “You look a mite old to be selling cookies door to door, but if you are, I’ll take two boxes.”
Shelby laughed. She needed to make it down to see Ida more often. The woman was a riot.
“Nothing like that. I promise. Although, if you want cookies, I’ll bring some along next time I stop in.” Shelby winked at her. “Actually, I was coming to ask about Mayor Ashby. He—”
“My Henry was a good man.”
“The best.”
Ida nodded her head solemnly. “The love of my life. He still is, you know. The heart doesn’t forget great love.”
Shelby puffed out a breath. Great love? Let’s see, a father who had run out on her mother when she was diagnosed with cancer, and no male prospects in her own life because of the scars on her legs, arms and back. It didn’t look like any great love would be coming Shelby’s way any time soon. She’d have to live vicariously through her brother and Paige if she wanted to experience love.
Shelby cleared her throat. “I came to talk to you about something a little more important—”
Ida’s eyes went wide. “Oh, sweetheart, there is nothing in the world more important than love. Absolutely nothing. Even the good Lord says so in the Bible. He says there is hope, faith and love—but the greatest of those is love.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“There’s no supposing. It just is. You make sure to look for chances to have love in your life. It comes in all forms and at the most quiet moments. Sometimes it tiptoes right on into our lives when we’re being too loud to notice it.”
“I’ll try to remember that.”
Ida smiled and picked up her mug. “Was there something else you needed, dear?”
Shelby licked her lips and leaned forward. “I was young, so I might not remember correctly, but didn’t Mayor Ashby start a fund meant to rebuild the church?”
“Oh, was he ever heartbroken when he found out they couldn’t go ahead with plans for the church.” Ida laid her hands over her heart. “It was his dearest wish to see our little chapel standing again. I’ve always been rather unhappy about the fact that Henry didn’t get to see it happen in his lifetime. But he couldn’t convince the church board to keep the land. They were so bent on washing their hands of the building and moving on so the congregation could divide. It was a very sad time for us.”
“So there was an account set up for the church?”
“Not was, dear, there is one. I advised him to divert the money to another worthwhile purpose, but he just wouldn’t see the reason in that. My Henry was such a dreamer, you see. He held out hope that someday an opportunity to rebuild would resurface.”
“I think we might be able to.” Shelby unfolded the deed to the land the church used to occupy. She showed it to Ida. “My dad passed away recently.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. We weren’t close. We hadn’t spoken in years.”
“How tragic.” Ida closed her eyes for a moment.
“The important thing is we can rebuild the church, Ida. My dad left me the land in his will. I just need to know if there are enough funds, and if I can access them.”
Ida clasped her hands together and rocked back and forth as she stared at the piece of paper. “My Henry would be so pleased. I should have known he’d be right all along. That was his fondest wish. You do know that, don’t you? He’d say this was the happiest day of his life—besides our wedding day, of course.”
“Of course.” Shelby nodded along.
“Paperwork.” Ida shuffled over to a metal filing cabinet that was four drawers high. “Let me see here.” She pulled out a file a few minutes later. “Right here. Yes. My Henry was so brilliant. You see.” Plunking the paperwork on the table, she jutted her fingers to indicate the first few lines. “He set the account up as a nonprofit whose sole purpose was to rebuild the church. That way, some of the greasy-fingered board members couldn’t get a hold of the money and do something silly with it. You know the type—the ones who want to spend thousands of dollars on new street signs so we can look fancy for the tourists.”
Ida explained that since her name was on the account, she would need to sign all the bills with regard to rebuilding the church. “And I’ll be just delighted to sign whatever you bring me, because I trust you, my dear. I do. You’ll do right by this community and finally give us our shiny white pearl back in town.”
Shelby sure hoped she was up to the task.
Her phone rang as she waved goodbye to Ida. The screen told her it was her brother. “Hey, Caleb.”
“I’m worried about you.” In true Caleb fashion he cut right to his point.
“What’s new? You’re always worried about something.” Shelby grabbed her bike off the ground.
“You’re going to go ahead with this plan to rebuild the church, aren’t you?”
“Of course. I told you that after the reading of Dad’s will.”
“I don’t know if that’s wise.” He paused. “I mean, do you really want to bring up that bad memory again?”
Yes. That was where she had been burned. Why was he talking softer? As if it was a secret he didn’t want others to find out. He could say it. It wasn’t as if anyone could hear them.
“Don’t you see? That’s why I have to rebuild it.” She wouldn’t say the words out loud because Caleb would tell her what she felt was irrational, but ever since the fire, a part of her had felt trapped inside the ashes of the old church. Not long after the fire, she’d come up with the idea of rebuilding the church because it seemed like the only way to finally let go.
Caleb sighed. “Just tell me if you need something or if you need to talk or...you know. Anything.” The tone of his voice made it sound like he meant deep, serious talking, not simply an update about the church.
“Talk?”
“If you go through with it—rebuilding the church—it has the potential to drag up some really hard times for you. I’m here. That’s all I’m saying.”
“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. Hey, I’ve got to go. I can’t ride my bike and talk on the cell at the same time.”
“I just love you, Shelb.”
“I know you do.”
How could she make him see? Rebuilding the church wouldn’t open old wounds.
No. It would finally heal her.
* * *
Joel strolled past the blazing-red fire engine, letting his fingers trail over the cool metal.
He caught a reflection of himself in a tinted wall of glass and froze. How would people react if he told them the truth about the church like he’d originally planned to? Of course, he couldn’t do that now. Not after hearing that the church had burned all the way to the ground. When he’d set it ablaze all those years ago, he figured he’d char a section, at most, before the fire engine arrived. Just enough to get his point across to God, since He hadn’t listened to Joel’s cries. Joel hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out the total damage.
It had seemed like a great idea to his sixteen-year-old self.
Without a doubt, if people knew what he had done, they would treat him differently again—like they always did. Not just differently. They’d probably run him out of town. Certainly, Chief Wheeler would fire him. And Joel wouldn’t blame him. Who would keep a fireman with a history of arson on the payroll? Now no one could ever find out. His happiness in Goose Harbor depended on it.
When he first saw the listing for a position with the Goose Harbor Fire Department, he’d prayed about it. After a week of praying, he had known he was supposed to apply. Now he wasn’t so sure. Why had God brought him back to the scene of his greatest failure? Last time Joel had left town, he’d been so angry at God for dashing his hopes once again, but he’d made peace since then. God wasn’t the enemy, just selfish humans like his mom and the people who had cast aside Dante. Really, God was the only one who’d ever accepted him as is.
Probably the only one who ever would.
Maybe he shouldn’t have come back to Goose Harbor, after all. It had been a fool’s dream to think he could return without the past dogging his heels everywhere he went. But he was here now and needed to make the best of his new life. For starters, if he knew one thing, it was that staying on the chief’s good side was rule number one in fire department code. The chief wanted him to work with Shelby on a fund-raiser, so he’d do it.
There was a bright side: working with Shelby. Joel wouldn’t mind getting to know her better or spending hours beside the pretty woman. Not one bit. She’d been cute when he last lived in town. Just a scrawny thing made up more of knees and elbows than anything else. She’d had braces back then, and hadn’t tamed the curl in her hair like she had now. The years had been good to her. Maybe spending time with her could knock out the other thing the chief wanted him to find—something worth coming home to.
Cool down, Joel.
Focus. The chief was wrong to encourage him to get attached. People failed him. Always. He was here to finally feel like he belonged somewhere. Getting involved with a woman wouldn’t help that. It would only provide a reason to leave when things fell apart.
Like they always did.
His life could count for the work he did, the lives he helped save, whether from fires or as an EMT coaxing a teen to get in the ambulance instead of taking more pills and ending it all. Each act, each day, was penance for him. Perhaps at some point, he’d think he was good enough for God and for a woman. But not now. Not yet.
Who was he kidding? Probably not ever.
The knot that had been forming in his stomach since he first decided to return to Goose Harbor unwound just a little. After having been a firefighter for the past six years, being in a station set him at ease.
The engine, the axes, the gear—these things he knew and understood. The outside world, well, he couldn’t say the same when he walked out of the building. He didn’t know the first thing about relationships, putting down roots and creating a future—all the things he hoped for and dreamed about. Once he walked out the front doors again, the knot in his stomach would tighten right back up.
The wolves of his past howled in his mind. Not wanted. Not good enough. Not worth it.
Four days after his sixth birthday, Joel became a ward of the State of Michigan. Even at that age, he’d known his mother couldn’t take care of him.
Unwelcome images projected onto his mind’s eye, stop-action pictures reminiscent of an old scratchy movie. A bone-thin woman with flaxen hair sat cross-legged at a table with a razor and white powder. Men filtered into the apartment one after another. Uncapped syringes on the counter, and Mom with a green bottle in her hand laughing. Angry yelling and people coming after her. Mom passed out on the kitchen floor.
Joel batted his hand in the air to shoo away the thoughts. That was a long time ago. A different life. He steeled himself against the image of the dark-haired little boy crouching in the corner of his memory. At thirty years old, he wanted nothing to do with that child anymore. The past needed to stay there. Locked tightly away, key tossed in a murky river.
Now he had a fresh chance to prove his worth. And that would include never telling anyone about the fire and everything else in his life he was ashamed about. No matter what.
“Joel?” Someone walked up behind him.
He turned. “Caleb? Is that you?”
Caleb stepped forward and, before Joel realized it was happening, his old friend was giving him a tight, quick man hug. Joel thumped him on the back twice.
Stepping back, Caleb smiled. His old friend hadn’t changed much. He was still bigger than Joel and looked as if he lifted weights every day. Caleb had always had the outdoorsman look.
“It’s great to see you. I heard through the rumor mill at the old Cherry Top Café that you were back in town, so I came here to see if it was true.”
Joel shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. “I’m glad you still live here.”
Caleb shook his head slowly. “You’re back, right? For good? Not just visiting?”
“Back indefinitely. I start here at the department on Wednesday.”
“I hear you and Shelby are working on a fund-raiser.”
Only in Goose Harbor. “Word travels fast here. I found out about that myself only an hour ago.”
Caleb held up his phone. “I just hung up with her.” His old friend stepped closer. “It sounds like she’s pretty excited to get to know you again. I wanted to say...I’m worried. Shelby’s special.”
“That’s what everyone keeps saying.” Joel braced his shoulder against a doorjamb.
“Everyone?” Caleb’s voice instantly became a growl. “Who’s everyone?”
No matter how pretty Shelby was, a man would be foolish to tangle with Caleb. Even when they were teens, Caleb had fought to protect his family like a lion over the last piece of meat. Joel was smart enough not to step into that battle.
“Forget I said anything.”
Caleb glanced past Joel to the lounge room in the firehouse where a few of the other men played on the Wii. “Who have you been talking to about Shelby?”
“Cool down.” Joel grabbed Caleb’s arm and pulled him out of earshot of the other firefighters. “Just Chief Wheeler and only because she showed up here.”
Caleb paced a few feet away. “When you spend time with her, please don’t lead her on, okay? Keep it professional.”
“Sounds like you’re telling me to stay away from your little sister.” Joel didn’t know why he was poking an agitated bear. He didn’t have any designs on Shelby. How could he when he hardly knew her? But he challenged Caleb all the same. A lifetime stuck in foster homes following new, and sometimes ridiculous, rules made Joel bristle when someone told him he wasn’t allowed to do something as an adult.
“I am.” Caleb crossed his arms over his chest. Same old Caleb.
Joel titled his head. “Tell me, you do realize she’s not twelve anymore? I don’t know her, but I’m sure Shelby’s old enough to take care of herself.”
“She’s not—”
“Like I said.” Joel raised his hands in the universal sign of let’s-drop-this-already. “I don’t know her. Your warning is a bit premature, buddy. I just got into town last night and, between you and me, romance isn’t even a blip on my radar.”
“That’s exactly when it finds you.”
“Well, no worries for me and Shelby. Okay?”
His old friend lowered his voice. “Maybe it’s not the time or place to ask you this, but where did you go?”
“When?” Joel stalled for time, but he had known the conversation would come to this. What happened that day? If Caleb questioned him, Joel would have to think quickly and place himself far away from the church.
“You said you’d meet me at the bend in the river so we could fish that day and...you just didn’t show. Do you know how heartbroken the Lloyds were when you never came back? They thought of you like a son.”
Like a son? Right. That’s why the Lloyds told him they were going to turn him back over to the state so they could move to Florida on their retirement money.
Joel laughed once, drily. “Is that what the Lloyds told everyone? That I ran away from them?”
Caleb frowned. “They asked everyone to help find you and formed search parties. They were so upset they moved away a few months later. I think they had to get away from the memories and the hurt from not knowing what happened to you.”
Joel’s hand formed a fist in his pocket.
Relax. Mr. and Mrs. Lloyd had been good people. They’d opened their home to him for three years, and he’d been a handful the whole time. He shouldn’t have expected more. Never should have allowed his mind to entertain the thought that they might make him a permanent part of their family.
But he couldn’t let Caleb believe he’d run off for no good reason. “It sounds like they didn’t tell anyone they’d decided to turn me back over to Child Protective Services. Nice of them to leave that bit out.”
Yes, Mrs. Lloyd’s arthritis had progressed to the point where she couldn’t hold a toothbrush, but hadn’t Joel been there to help them? He might have been a hardheaded sixteen-year-old, but he’d cared enough about the Lloyds to have helped them however they needed. When the doctor had told them that living somewhere warmer might help Mrs. Lloyd, they’d immediately put a move in motion. Sure, they’d petitioned the state for permission to take Joel, but, even then, he’d known they would never have been granted authorization. Not with his mother still alive. Even if she had been in jail.
And when they weren’t, they still chose to move instead of keep Joel. Still decided to hand him right back to the state.
Caleb’s brow furrowed. “They were going to give you back?”
Joel nodded.
“Man. I’m sorry. I never knew.”
“Yeah.” Joel crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “Within ten years, I’d lived in twelve different places. I was so sick of being sent wherever my case manager deemed best. For once, I wanted to be in control of my future—if that makes sense. I couldn’t go back into the foster system. Not after enjoying three years in Goose Harbor. I couldn’t live like that any longer.”
“So they were right—you took off?”
He shrugged. “I ran away, if that’s what you’re asking. You’ve got to understand, I was so mad at God and everyone that I just...I needed to do life on my own for a while. Live by my own terms.”
“And how’d that go for you?”
He hadn’t forgotten how tenacious Caleb could be when it came to getting to the bottom of an issue. Like a mosquito in search of exposed flesh.
Joel ran his finger over the grooves in the cinder-block wall. “It went badly.” He let his hand drop to his side. “Let’s see, four years in an out of homeless shelters in Indiana. I had to take the GED since I didn’t graduate high school here, and sending for my transcripts would have tipped off my case manager. Anyway, I always wanted to come back. I’ve thought about Goose Harbor a lot over the years.”
Caleb placed his hand on Joel’s shoulder. “You were missed. I always wondered what happened to you. I never stopped praying for you.” He squeezed Joel’s shoulder.
Joel straightened his shirt and stepped away from Caleb. “Looks like those prayers might have worked.”
“I have to head out to finish end-of-the-year nonsense at school, but we should catch up more. You have to meet Paige, my fiancée. She’s a teacher, too. Know what? You have to come to our wedding. The invitations have already gone out, but I’ll get you the information.”
They made plans to grill steaks later in the week on one of the days Joel wasn’t scheduled to work a twelve-hour shift, and then Caleb headed out.
When he’d left years ago, Caleb had been going steady with Sarah West, had been since grade school. Caleb and Sarah had always talked about getting married, but it sounded like that hadn’t happened.
Which made sense. What kid actually got his childhood dream? Joel sure hadn’t. Which was fine. Dreams changed. He no longer begged God for the family he’d never have. No, his requests were simpler now. The conversation with the chief nagged at him. Perhaps Wheeler was right. It would be nice to have someone in the world besides Dante to miss him if something happened.
One person. Was that too much to ask?
