Читать книгу The Child Who Rescued Christmas - Jessica Matthews, Jessica Matthews - Страница 10

SARA stared at the suitcase she’d dumped unceremoniously on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. Whether she unpacked or not, their trip was over. Done. Finished. If they took in Brody, they wouldn’t go. And if they didn’t, they still wouldn’t go because these events had killed her romantic-weekend mood.

Oh, who was she kidding? Tonight’s revelation had ruined more than the weekend. It had completely cracked the foundation of their marriage. Complete collapse was only a nudge away.

The question was, did she want to give their marriage that nudge, or not? Half of her was tempted beyond belief. The other half encouraged her to weather the storm.

She had to think. She had to decide what was the best option, which was the better course, but her emotions were far too raw to make a logical decision. Leaving meant the end of every hope and dream she’d nurtured.

Staying meant … meant what? That she’d already forgiven Cole? She hadn’t. That she loved him? At the moment, it was questionable.

Whatever her choice, she had to make it for the right reasons. Right now, she felt as if she were balanced precariously on a wet log, struggling to maintain her footing while knowing it wouldn’t take much for her to fall in either direction. With a decision this monumental looming over her, she needed time.

Not making a decision was making a decision.

Not true, she argued with herself. She wasn’t choosing to stay or go. She was simply choosing to give herself time to come to terms with the fact that Cole had a son.

He had a son.

Without her.

Once again, much as it had when she’d first connected the dots, hurt and anger crashed over her in debilitating waves. She kicked the luggage defiantly, well aware it was a poor substitute for the man who deserved her wrath, but she still hoped that small act would ease her pain.

It didn’t.

She hoisted the case back on the bed and unzipped the top. In spite of her rough treatment, the clothes inside were just as neat as when she’d placed them there. Once again, she was racked with indecision.

“Are you okay, Sara?” Cole asked from the doorway, a worried wrinkle on his forehead.

“I’m just peachy,” she answered waspishly. “How do you think I am?”

He didn’t answer, as if he knew the answer. “May I come in?”

“Suit yourself.” She spied the edge of the black silk teddy she’d purchased specifically for this weekend and poked it underneath her jeans and sweatshirts to keep it out of sight.

“Are you unpacking?” he asked.

“Yes.” She eyed the case and suddenly didn’t feel inclined to empty it, especially when the urge to grab it and run away was far too strong. “No. I’m not sure.”

“Maybe this will help. Packing means you’re leaving. To stay, you have to unpack.”

He sounded calm, as if he were simply helping her decide between wearing a pair of blue or green scrubs. “I realize that,” she answered sharply. Then, realizing she sounded shrewish, she softened her tone. “I’m trying to decide. Unfortunately, I can’t decide what is the right thing to do.” She rubbed at the crease on her forehead.

“I know you’re upset,” he began as he crossed the threshold.

“Wow. Whatever gave you that idea? Why would I possibly be upset to hear that my husband …” Her voice cracked. “My husband had a child with another woman while we were separated? My God, Cole. It was only a week. One lousy week.”

“Actually, it was ten days,” he corrected, “but, yes, those were lousy days on so many levels.”

She brushed aside his comment. “One week, ten days, it’s practically the same thing. All I know is that I didn’t fall into bed with anyone during that time, even if I technically …” she made imaginary quotation marks in the air “… could have.”

“It was a one-night error in judgment. It didn’t mean a thing.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Cole. I’m sure Brody will be happy to hear his dad say that he was a mistake. An error in judgment.”

“I only meant—”

“The point is,” she continued, “I haven’t forgotten why we split up or why we got back together.”

“I haven’t either,” he said evenly.

She rubbed the back of her neck. “But now you’re asking me to ignore what you did and welcome your son with open arms.”

His expression grew grave. “I’m only trying to explain what happened. While I know it’s too soon to ask for forgiveness, I’d like you to understand—”

“I’m having trouble with that,” she said flatly. “The Cole Wittman I knew prided himself on his control and for you to do something so obviously out of control … well, it makes me look at our life together in a different light, which is why I can’t decide … about this.” She motioned toward her suitcase.

“I knew the situation would be … tough to handle,” he admitted. “If it’s any consolation, I’ve dreaded telling you from the moment Maitland showed me Ruth’s will. I expected the news would be hard for you to swallow.”

At least he was cognizant enough of her feelings to guess at her reaction. “You were right.”

“I’m sorry to have landed us in this predicament.”

Predicament was such an insipid term for the situation they were in, she decided.

“Would you rather I’d kept this from you and told Maitland then and there that we weren’t interested in taking Brody?”

It would have been so much easier, she thought with irritation, but she also knew that “easy” didn’t always mean “better.” Successful marriages were built on honesty, not secrets, and if Cole had kept this from her—even if part of her wished he had—they could be setting a dangerous precedent for their future relationship. What would stop him from withholding information from her again, especially if he deemed it was information she’d find uncomfortable?

“Why didn’t you?” she asked, curious.

He shrugged. “The truth eventually comes out. Maybe not today or next month or next year, but sometime down the road it would surface again. Fate has a way of doing the unexpected,” he said wryly, “and I figured that learning about Brody would be easier to handle now rather than in ten or twenty years.

“And,” he continued tentatively, “knowing how badly you wanted a baby, I’d hoped …” His voice faded.

“That I’d overlook Brody’s origins because he would satisfy my own need?” she asked icily.

He had the grace to wince. “Something like that.”

“You were wrong. Yes, I want us to have a baby, but only because a child is a logical extension of our love for each other. While I’d be happy to adopt a child, too, the fact that Brody is yours and not a stranger’s makes this situation unique. There’s another layer of emotional baggage that has to be dealt with.”

He nodded, his face lined with a combination of resignation and misery. “I know.”

“You’re placing me in a no-win situation,” she pointed out. “You realize that, don’t you?”

“It isn’t a no-win,” he insisted. “If we can’t agree on Brody’s future, then that’s the end of it.”

His even tone wasn’t reassuring because in her gut she knew this wouldn’t be the end. For the rest of their lives together, if she denied Ruth’s request, the what-ifs would plague them.

On the other hand, if she walked away from Cole and the situation, she’d lose as much if not more.

“You want to bring him home, don’t you?” That observation was irritating in itself. While she’d been eager to start the process of fertility testing, Cole had been content to bide their time, claiming he was happy with or without a baby. Now, though, he was almost falling over his own feet to welcome his secret child into their household.

In a distant corner of her heart she knew she was being unfair, but at this moment she was still too crushed by a multitude of emotions to be rational.

“I do, but not if we aren’t in agreement. We’re a team, Sara. We have to function like one. Besides, you’re the one with the strong family background. Without your support, I can’t be his father, or anyone else’s,” he said flatly.

The idea that he needed her to do this job mollified her to some degree. It also helped to hear that her husband—a brilliant, meticulous, caring physician who’d graduated in the top ten percent of his medical school class—suffered from a few feelings of inadequacy, too. Unfortunately, could she trust him again? She didn’t realize she’d voiced her thought until he answered.

“We’ve had nearly three wonderful years together,” he said simply. “And three before that. Have I given you any reason to doubt me during the time we’ve been together?”

“I presume ‘together’ is the operative word?”

Her barb had struck home because he fell silent. “I deserve that, I suppose, but I’m the same man I was yesterday, the day before, last week and last year. I love you more now than ever and I don’t ever want to hurt you. Every decision I make is tested against that standard. Yes, on that one occasion, I let my fear overrule my good sense. Yes, I drank more than I should have and, yes, I made a bad choice that I’ll regret for the rest of my days, but I don’t want to lose you over this, Sara. I … I can’t.”

The solution to this utterly devastating change in their circumstances was simple. Leave the past in the past and focus on the future. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done, especially when she would face the proof of his poor choice every day for the rest of her life.

Could she do it? Could she ignore how his son had been conceived? Could she let go of her anger and her sense of betrayal even if Cole had been a free agent at the time?

She had to, otherwise she might as well walk out now with her packed suitcase. As her mother had always cautioned her, “Don’t do anything in the heat of the moment. You’ll always live with your regrets.” At this moment, her emotions were too raw to think rationally, so she cautioned herself to bide her time until she could approach the situation sensibly.

On the other hand, the difficulty she had went much deeper than the notion of having Cole’s child underfoot. It was the reminder that Ruth had succeeded in one night with what she had failed to achieve for months. If that wasn’t enough to howl at life’s unfairness, she didn’t know what would be.

“I’d do anything if I could turn back the clock,” he said quietly, “but I can’t.”

He sounded sincere. She wanted to believe that he’d never done anything like this before or since, and part of her did believe, but her heart was still too bruised to forgive. Given enough time, she hoped she would, but at this moment she couldn’t.

“I know you want me to smile and say everything’s okay. That I’ll unpack so we can bring Brody home and be one big happy family, but I can’t say those things.” She met his gaze. “I can’t. Not yet.”

He fell silent. “I can respect that, but while you’re mulling over the situation, we need to meet him, Sara. I need to see him. Not just a photo, but him. Brody didn’t arrive under ideal conditions, but he’s my son.”

She’d half anticipated his request. What man wouldn’t be curious about his own flesh and blood? She, on the other hand, wasn’t eager to meet the little person that he and another woman had produced so easily.

“If you’re asking for permission, feel free to do whatever you want.”

“I’d like you to go with me,” he said.

She shook her head. “I can’t. Not yet. Not tonight.”

Expecting him to protest, she was surprised when he simply paused. “Okay,” he said, weariness evident in those two syllables. “If you can’t handle seeing him so soon, you can’t. I’ll call Maitland and decline his invitation.”

As he rose and strolled toward the door, his usually squared shoulders slumped in defeat, she regretted being so petty. The thing was, she already guessed at how this situation would play out and she was simply trying to hold it at bay as long as she could, hoping another solution would present itself or, better yet, she’d wake up soon and discover this was only a nightmare.

As Cole had said, the boy’s future had to be decided. How could she possibly make the right choice if she didn’t face her demons? He was, after all, Cole’s son no matter how, why or when he had been conceived. Being with Brody would be a painful experience whether she met him tonight, tomorrow or next week, so she had to handle it like one handled any adhesive bandage. Rip off the tape in one swift motion rather than by degrees. Besides, she’d always faced her problems head-on. Ignoring them, pretending they didn’t exist, wasn’t her way, even if she wanted to indulge herself.

“Cole, wait,” she said as he reached the threshold.

He stopped and turned. “Yeah?”

“Would you really cancel and stay home tonight?”

“If that’s what you wanted,” he said simply. “I may not be the most sensitive fellow in the world, but I’m well aware that seeing the boy won’t be easy for you. If giving you more time to adjust will help, then that’s what we’ll do.”