Читать книгу Kissing Santa Claus - Jill Shalvis - Страница 12

This was either the best idea he’d ever had, or one of his worst mistakes in the making. At the moment, with her fingertips sliding up the back of his neck and her sweet body pressing fully against his, it was feeling like his most brilliant decision ever.

He scooped her up, lifting her off her feet and bringing her face up more evenly with his own so he could take the kiss even deeper. He moved them farther into the store, backwalking her until they reached the front counter by the register. He slid her onto the smooth glass surface, then pulled her back toward him, hands on her hips as he moved between her legs, urging her to open to him as he slid his hands up her spine, then lost them again in that silky waterfall of hair. Why on earth had he waited so long to do this?

She was making these tiny little guttural noises in the back of her throat that were doing insane things to his body. Namely making him so rock hard it was almost painful to stand, but then she was tucking her feet around the back of his thighs, pulling him closer. And now he was the one groaning as she snuggled herself perfectly around him. It was sensation overload, on every level.

Their kissing was escalating as rapidly as his pulse rate and he knew it was only a matter of time—seconds at the rate they were going—before clothes were going to get yanked off and things were going to happen that he—oh, he desperately wanted them to happen. Perhaps more, in that moment, than he’d ever wanted anything to happen. Ever. But this—this was not what he’d had in mind when he’d crossed the street. Kiss her, maybe seduce her a little, enough to get her to agree to at least think about giving the two of them a chance to find out what might be. Rationally. Flirtatiously, but rationally.

He hadn’t counted on one taste of her leading to this kind of volcanic eruption of need and want. And an eruption was just what he was risking here if he let this go on an instant longer.

Heart pounding, breathing labored, he forced himself to tear his mouth away from hers. “Holly—” was all he could manage.

“Yes,” she said breathlessly, her fingers curling into his shoulders as she instinctively pulled him closer again.

“I—we—wait,” he said before she could claim his mouth again. Claim him. In fact, he already felt it. How easily she could slip right in, under his defenses, which were remarkably nonexistent at that moment. Was it because he knew her? Because she was so familiar to him, having been around his whole life, that he wasn’t wary, wasn’t overthinking? Or was it because she hadn’t pursued him, and was quite possibly leaving? Thereby making that “how to make a relationship work” problem he typically had a nonissue?

He wasn’t a coward, and he always put his partners’ needs in front of his own. Just as he was always up front regarding who he was and how his life operated. And, with Holly, all of those things were magnified tenfold by her life and what it might entail.

So, why was it, staring into her big, brown eyes, that rather than tell her all the reasons why this might have been the big mistake he’d feared it would be…he just felt this ridiculous sensation of hope skyrocketing through him. Holly equaled hope. It was that simple. And that crazy.

“I want you,” he said.

Her face bloomed with the most delightful shade of pink, but her gaze stayed on his. “I—I think I was getting that.”

“But I didn’t—I mean, this isn’t what—”

The bright twinkle in her eyes instantly shuttered and she tried to shift back out of his arms, the pink in her cheeks now looking to be more from embarrassment than the blush of a woman flattered by his attention.

“No, no, wait.” He pulled her in close, reluctant to let her put any more space between them, both because having her there felt all kinds of right and because he was afraid she’d start building walls if he gave her half a chance. They were down now, as were his…and he was determined to keep them that way.

“What I was trying to say was, I want you, but not on the counter of your mother’s store. Trust me, another thirty seconds, and—” He broke off as his body surged with approval for that idea. He dipped his chin, took a steadying breath, then looked back at her. And suddenly, whatever he said next took on amazing levels of importance. Crazy as it sounded, crazier as it felt, it was like he was potentially making or breaking his entire future in that one, singular moment. “Holly, I want a chance. That’s what I came here to tell you. I can’t explain it, and maybe you think I’m crazy, but I—”

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” she said, her voice quieter now, but the look in her eyes said a whole lot more was going on that her tone was not belying.

“I just didn’t want to move so fast that we mistook one thing for another. I want you, but I want you deliberately, with very specific intent, and I want that first time to be in a place where we can both explore and figure out what…what this is. What it could be. Do you understand?”

She looked at him for a long time, and he’d never felt so at a disadvantage, like there simply weren’t words available that would put the chaos and irrationality of all the things going on inside his head into some sort of sane, logical order. Because this wasn’t sane. He’d wanted a kiss, a chance, a conversation, perhaps. But one taste, one touch, one of those tiny little noises she’d made and it was like…wow, he couldn’t even describe it to himself.

“Yes, I do. And I want to,” she said, at length. “But…I don’t know, Sean. I—the timing, it’s—”

“It’s now,” he said, never more sure of anything. It was stunning, really, the certainty he felt. Stunning and crazy-town crazy. And then he was blurting it all out, which was probably the stupidest thing he could ever do. But this was his one shot, his one chance, and he wasn’t blowing it this time.

“I know it sounds crazy, and it should because it is, but I’m banking that maybe, if you’re really just honest with yourself, you’ll agree it’s the same with you. That kiss…that was real and honest, and it wasn’t just a hello-get-to-know-you kiss, was it,” he stated, not even making it a question, because in his mind, it wasn’t. “It was something else, like a waited-a-lifetime-for-that-kiss kiss, you know? And maybe I’ve always known that it would be that way with us.” He was babbling now, and he didn’t care, couldn’t stop. “Maybe that’s why, as a teenager, I couldn’t approach you. I wasn’t even close to ready at that point in my life to tackle something so important, so potentially life altering. And on some level, maybe I knew that. Maybe I always knew it would be big. Extraordinary. Or maybe things really just do happen when they’re supposed to.”

She wasn’t looking at him like he was crazy, so that was one good thing, but her expression was shuttering, and he panicked, a little.

“No, no, don’t do that. Don’t shut me out. I know this is way over the top, but it’s like…you’ll run back to London if I don’t say something to make you stay and give me a chance, and so I’m just saying everything that’s popping into my head, and I know it’s too much and I know—”

She shut him off with a kiss.

He grabbed her face and kissed her back, but there wasn’t a promise there, in hers, not yet. And she pulled back before they could fall off that cliff again. “Sean…” She paused and took a moment to collect herself, and he wanted to see her eyes so he could gauge what she was thinking, but he let her have the time to compose herself, her thoughts, and waited, which was perhaps the longest few seconds of his life. She looked up again, and there wasn’t regret, so his heart stayed hopeful. “I’m interested, too. I am.”

“But?” And his heart paused. Clutched, really. Because Holly Bennett wasn’t a second chance, change-her-mind kind of woman.

“But…I don’t know. I don’t know you. I don’t know where my life is taking me. I think I might have a solution for the store, but it’s not one that will keep me here.”

How did a man stand there and explain to a woman who was perfectly right when she said she didn’t really know him, that he was the only one in the universe she truly needed to know, because he was hers. Meant for, had to be, once in a lifetime hers.

Because…that was crazy. And he wasn’t.

“Do you believe in fate?” he asked, wanting logic, linear thought, and progression, but knowing there wasn’t any.

“I don’t know what I believe in.”

“Your job, in London. Do you miss it? Is it something you could see yourself doing here?”

She didn’t answer him right away. But no warmth had entered her eyes, no natural affection or fondness, when he’d mentioned it. Which he knew wasn’t the case when he thought of Gallagher’s. He loved his place in the world. But did he have the right to ask her to consider abdicating hers to give him a chance? And what did he really have to offer her? She didn’t want the shop, she wanted…he hadn’t a clue. Maybe she didn’t, either. But his life he did know, and it was a crazy one with crazy hours, filled with crazier people, most of them blood relations, so…what on earth made him think she’d willingly sign on to that? Even if London wasn’t calling her passionately…at least it was a known quantity, a safe, reasonable alternative. She hadn’t come back here because she wanted to be here…she’d come back because she was forced into it.

So, it would seem, the very last thing he should be doing was forcing her to do that all over again, just to be with him.

“I’m good at it,” she said at length. “I don’t know that I’d want to start all over again doing it here, though.”

Good at it. Not that she loved it, or was passionate about it, but good at it. “Is that enough for you? Doing something because you’re good at it?”

She lifted a shoulder. “It’s what it is. I don’t hate it. And…it’s always there while I figure things out. I don’t have another back up plan.”

Me, he wanted to shout. Let me be your back up plan.

“This other alternative solution for the store…how long do you think you’ll be here, sorting that out, if it works?”

“I don’t know. I took my annual leave to come here. I have through the new year. Then I have to go back.”

“Would you be willing to sort through this—us—while you’re here? See where it might go?”

Had he not been looking closely, he might have missed that leap of want, that instinctive reaction of delight, at his suggestion. He latched on to that. Holly might not want to admit her secret desires, or that she could reach for a new star…even to herself. But she wanted to.

“I don’t want to lead you on,” she said. “Or myself. Just because we’re both interested—”

“Should be reason enough for any two people to explore what might be. It’s not something that happens every day, Holly. Or ever, for some people. Just give it a chance, me a chance. Speaking for me, I’d rather risk the hurt, the ultimate rejection, than never trying at all. At least then I’d know we’d made the effort…and that it wasn’t meant to be.”

She didn’t say anything, and he wanted, badly, to press the advantage he knew he had. Their physical attraction, that chemistry, was natural and explosive, and one little kiss right now would probably be enough to tilt her decision in his favor.

But so much of this was out-of-the-ordinary nutty, he really wanted any decision she made to come without the cloud of pheromones and desire, but with a clear mind and an open heart.

“I think we’re asking for trouble, Sean.”

“And I think we’re asking for the moon. But we might as well reach. You can’t get what you don’t go after.”

She smiled briefly then and shook her head. “Are you always so certain about things?”

“Sometimes. But when I am, I most definitely am.” He cocked his head. “I thought you were always certain about things.”

“I thought so, too,” she said. “But nothing seems to be staying the same. And things I thought I knew, like with my parents, aren’t what I thought at all. So…maybe for the first time, I’m feeling like I’m not certain of anything.” She looked at him. “And I don’t know if I can tackle another uncertainty right now.”

He tipped up her chin and looked into her eyes. “But now is when I’m here. And you’re here. And we get the chance. Tackling uncertainties…that’s how you get the answers.”

He kissed her, but this time it was slow and thoughtful, and with the absolute intent of letting her know it wasn’t the wild, out-of-control lust that had him saying these things. Or feeling these things.

Her eyes were a little glassy and unfocused when he lifted his head. He covered her hand with his own and slid hers to cover her heart. “Feel that?” he said, quietly. “That’s what mine’s doing right now. I just want the chance to have more of that. With you.”

He left her hand there, on her heart, and stepped back. Her feet slid down from where they’d been tucked around his legs, so her heels tapped the front of the counter. Where she sat, looking a bit lost, a bit dumbstruck, and a lot confused.

“You know where to find me.” He turned, unlocked the door, and walked out. He heard the ringing of sleigh bells as the door swung shut behind him. The walk back across the street was the longest one he’d ever taken. And he prayed like hell that wasn’t the last time he’d ever see her. Come and get me, Holly Bennett.

He pushed the door open to Gallagher’s and walked into the burst of people chatting, silverware clanking on dishes, laughter, the sound of the coffee grinder going, and the general chaos that was the soundtrack to his life. And it was his life, and life-giving to him.

He turned around then and looked back across the street. At the quiet, darkened little shop and its lone occupant, sitting in total silence. And he felt his heart squeeze, then drop. What on earth would ever compel a solitary, quiet woman such as Holly Bennett to step into his cacophonous world? Much less give him a chance?

Nothing was the answer that came to mind. Absolutely nothing.

Who was he kidding, anyway?

But for the rest of that day, all that night, and for the endless two days that followed, every time the tinkling bell rang on the front of the door, signaling another customer entering, his pulse would spike, his heart would lift, and his spirit would find a sliver of hope…and each time that hope would be dashed when it wasn’t Holly crossing the threshold.

So, on the dawn of the fourth day, he realized he had a decision to make. Sit back and take her silence as a final answer…or continue his quest?