Читать книгу The Soldier's Holiday Vow - Jillian Hart - Страница 34

“He didn’t have a pulse when I got to him.” Hawk sounded distant, as if that was the only way he could cope with the memory.

“He was already gone?”

“His brother was closer to him and got there first. He started CPR. The machine guns, the grenades, the shouting, it all faded to silence. Everything went slow motion. I pulled a corpsman over to help because he wasn’t coming fast enough.”

“You fought for Tim’s life.” She read the emotion twisting his face and saw what he could not say. This loss had been a turning point in his life, too. “You fought with everything you had.”

“We all did.” He swallowed hard, the tendons in his neck working with effort. It had to be torture remembering.

She was sorry to put him through that. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked. “At least he didn’t suffer. That’s what I had to know. That he wasn’t afraid.”

“Tim? Never. We got him back for a minute or so, but the bullet caused too much damage.” He reached across the distance separating them, both physical and emotional, to take her hand.

His touch alarmed her. Her spirit flickered and warmed, like dawn’s first light. She withdrew her hand, and the brightness dimmed. She sat as if in shadow.

“He gave Pierce a message for his family,” he went on as if nothing had happened. “That was all the time he had. He died in his brother’s arms and in a circle of friends. The last thoughts he had were of you.”

“How do you know?”

“His last breath was your name. Didn’t you know?”

She shook her head. She wanted to stay unaffected, to gather the information logically and heal from it. Impossible. Tim’s life had ended—all that he would be, all that he would do wiped away. That’s what she wanted to change. “If God could give me one wish, I would go back in time and have forced Tim to get out. I would never have let him serve a second hitch in the army. He wouldn’t have been sent overseas. He wouldn’t have died.”

“You don’t know that. You can’t torture yourself with that guilt.”

“How do you know?” She stared at him in amazement, this big, capable man more wise than she had given him credit for.

“I know how you feel,” he confessed. “I did everything I could. Everything I knew how. I couldn’t save him, either.”

Everything within her stilled. Their gazes collided and the force of it left her paralyzed. The honest sincerity of his gaze held a power she had never felt before, one strong enough to chip at the frozen tundra of her shielded heart. “How do you go on?”

“I struggled for a long time.” Honesty softened the planes of his rugged face and revealed more of his character. One of strength and deep feeling. “I almost opted out and thought about finding a civilian job.”

“You were soul-searching, too.”

“Not that I want to admit it to anyone.” He squared his shoulders. “I had to question what one life is worth, and what cost? I had a hole in my life as a reminder. I had to figure that Tim would want me to make good choices for me, so I turned down my uncle’s offer to find me a job and signed for another two years.”

“That was your idea of a good choice? Going back into danger?”

“I want to make a difference.”

“There are a lot of ways to do that without risking your life.”

“Are you questioning my decision?” Not defensive, but curious. He looked as if he wanted to take hold of her hand again.

She kept them tightly folded together. “I’m just asking, that’s all.”

“My sister is happily working in San Diego. She doesn’t need me. My mom is safe and living her life the way she wants to in Wyoming. They are the only family I have, and neither of them really needs me. I’m not married. I don’t have any strong calling to do charity work or anything like that. The military is what I believe in. Being a soldier was the only thing I ever wanted to be.”

“Why?” It was Tim’s decision she was asking about, not Hawk’s. But she had to know why Hawk had chosen to be a Ranger. “Why do you guys feel so committed to the army?”