Читать книгу Secrets Of An Old Flame - Jill Limber, Jill Limber - Страница 11

Nikki awoke slowly in the darkened room. Her mouth felt like she’d been chewing on cotton balls. Still groggy from the medication, she rolled to her side and stared into the playpen. Seeing it empty, a spurt of panic bloomed in her chest. Then she remembered coming home with a migraine. And Joe.

He had been so caring and gentle with her. He made her want to fall back to the habit of depending on him, and she couldn’t let that happen. Never again would she trust him after the way he’d used her.

She had her reasons not to depend on Joe, but she had no doubts Joe would take very good care of their son.

Their son.

She turned onto her back and picked the cold lump of washcloth off her pillow. It was the first time she had ever considered sharing Michael. The thought unsettled her. She didn’t want to think about giving up time with her baby to someone else.

Nikki propped herself up on one elbow. She needed to pull herself together. Then she wouldn’t be tempted to let him back into her life.

Her first move would be to sell what she could and raise some cash. While she was doing that she had to figure out a way to get Joe out of her house and out of her life. This day-to-day living with him was not going to work.

She needed to do an inventory and get things organized while she waited to hear from Mr. Carey, but right now there were more pressing matters. The dim light showing through the crack between the drapes told her it must be early evening. Michael hadn’t eaten since the bus ride home hours ago. She could tell by the ache in her full breasts it was way past his feeding time.

She swung her feet over the side of the bed and sat quietly while she tried to orient herself, wiping away the crust of salt the tears had left behind.

She remembered Joe coming to check on her at least twice.

She cringed when she thought about throwing up in front of him in the guest bathroom. Just the fact that it bothered her he had seen her at her worst meant trouble. She was still attracted to him and didn’t want to be.

Why should she care what he thought? Whatever she’d thought was developing between them a year ago was over. He’d used her vulnerability when she’d needed him the most. She’d never trust him with her heart again.

She had to admit it was wonderful to have someone take over when she had a headache. Rarely did she have the luxury of sleeping away the pain since Michael’s birth.

She always had a strange hollowed-out feeling after one of the headaches passed. She made her way carefully to the bathroom, walking gingerly, like someone who had been confined to bed with a long illness.

She washed her face and combed her hair. It always surprised her how bad she looked after one of her headaches. Out of habit she started to reach for her makeup bag, then pushed it away. She wouldn’t make herself attractive for him.

She shimmied out of her slip, pulled on fresh panties and a pair of old soft knit pants, thick socks and a worn college sweatshirt.

As she made her way down the back staircase, she heard the television on in the den beyond the kitchen. She paused as she heard his voice.

Who was he talking to? She peeked into the room and saw Joe on the couch, Michael propped on his lap, his back against Joe’s chest. Joe anchored him in place with one big hand. Both of them seemed intent on a football game on the television. Their profiles were identical. Michael would grow up to look like Joe.

Her son would be a handsome man, but he would be a constant reminder of his father. Nikki wondered if Michael’s looks would be a blessing or a curse for her.

She stood quietly in the doorway, watching the two of them.

Joe had changed into a polo shirt and jeans. He looked good in casual clothes. His knit shirt fit loosely, only showing a hint of the strong muscles of his shoulders and chest.

Joe hadn’t noticed her. He laughed and pointed at the television screen. “That was a quarterback sneak with a lateral pass. Gutsy move in this situation, but it worked.”

Michael waved both his hands and blew a spit bubble in seeming appreciation.

Nikki shook her head. Male bonding. How like Joe to introduce the baby to his passion. He’d played football in high school and college and loved to watch the game. Nikki remembered a photo hanging on the wall of his apartment showing a much younger Joe flying through the air as he tackled another player.

She stepped into the room. “I need to feed him.”

Both dark heads swung in her direction. Joe smiled and reached out to her. “How are you feeling?”

She took a step back to stay out of his range and before she could answer Michael let out a howl. Instantly her milk let down and formed two wet spots on her sweatshirt.

Joe moved Michael into the crook of his arm and looked worriedly at Nikki and then down at his son. “Hey, buddy. What’s the problem?”

Nikki reached up under her sweatshirt and unhooked the cup of her nursing bra as she crossed to the couch. She lifted the baby out of his arms. “No problem. He’s hungry.”

“You said he’d let me know. The boy has a good set of lungs.” He beamed at her, his face so full of pride it made her want to look away. Her life would be easier if Joe was an indifferent father.

She pushed the thought back and turned away, carrying the baby to the living room. She settled down on the far end of the bigger sofa, snuggling the baby up under her oversized sweatshirt, guiding him to her nipple. He latched on and sucked hungrily, the suckling noises loud in the quiet room.

The comforting weight of his little body and the tugging on her breast relaxed her. It always surprised her how all her worries calmed down when she shared precious time with Michael.

Joe followed her into the room. “Is it all right to feed him after you’ve taken pills for a migraine?”

Nikki bristled at his question. Michael was always her first priority. “Do you think I wouldn’t check that out with my doctor?” She took a less effective medication for just that reason.

Joe spread his hands in a conciliatory gesture. “Hey, I’m new at this. I was just curious.”

An awkward silence ensued as he watched the whole process intently. “He decided awfully suddenly that he was hungry.”

Nikki glanced over at Joe, uncomfortable with his scrutiny. She didn’t want him there during the feeding. This was her special time with her baby. She didn’t want to share.

“He’s smart. You’ve never fed him. He didn’t remember he was hungry until he heard my voice. It’s been hours since he ate last.” She stiffened up when Joe sat at the other end of the couch.

Joe slid a little closer. “How are you feeling?”

Like a bowl of overcooked pasta, she thought. “Fine,” she said with a bored shrug, wishing he would go back to his game.

Joe didn’t take the hint. “How often do you feed him?”

She eyed him closing the distance between them. “Whenever he’s hungry. Sometimes it’s every three hours. Usually around every four hours.”

“At night, too?” He came off the couch and squatted down on his haunches in front of her. She drew her feet up onto the couch and tucked them under.

She could smell his aftershave. By the late afternoon it mingled with his male scent into an appealing smell that was all Joe. “No. I can stretch him to six sometimes at night.”

He reached out and stroked Michael’s foot. “So you’re still getting up at night.”

She nodded noncommittally. The truth was she didn’t sleep all that well and feedings during the night didn’t bother her. She might as well be doing something useful she enjoyed if she had to be awake anyway. It made the long nights go by more quickly.

He stood and sat beside her.

She pushed back against the arm of the couch. “Why don’t you go back and watch the game?”

He gave her a long look. “I’d rather watch you.” He scooted closer.

Her stomach did flip-flops. She needed distance. Since she was curled into the corner of the couch she had nowhere to go.

“What are you doing?” she snapped at him, trapped by his big body.

He grasped the bottom of her sweatshirt and lifted it. She batted at his big hand. “Stop that!”

He captured her hand with his free one and continued to pull her sweatshirt up. “I want to see.”

She tried to pull her hand away without disturbing the baby. “Stop it.”

She didn’t want him watching. It was too…sensual. She didn’t need those feelings awakened. They led to dangerous memories.

He gripped her hand more firmly and his expression hardened. “I’ve already missed at least three months. Don’t deny me this.”

Guilt overcame her and she stopped struggling. He let go of her and she let her hand fall back into her lap.

Next time she had to feed the baby she’d go upstairs.

He lifted her shirt and tucked it gently behind Michael so that it would stay, then he stared at the baby.

She looked away and tried to concentrate on the faint sound of the football game, unwilling to watch the play of emotions across his handsome face.

She shouldn’t be embarrassed over something so natural, she chided herself. He wasn’t looking at her, he was watching Michael. She was the one struggling with feelings she desperately wished would go away.

“What does it feel like?” he asked in a low voice.

She closed her eyes against his soft, appealing voice, resenting the question. How could she tell him about the incredible sensation of nursing a child in terms that wouldn’t sound sexual?

“Different.” The lame answer hung in the air between them.

She glanced at him and saw his gaze fastened on the spot where Michael’s milky lips tugged at her swollen nipple.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His quiet voice held a note of sadness as his gaze shifted to her face.

Now she wished she had. She wished she’d called him as soon as she’d realized she was pregnant, before Michael had become real to her. She suspected it might have made sharing him easier.

If she’d told him then they wouldn’t be having this conversation with him practically sitting in her lap.

She’d been such an emotional mess when she’d first gone to her aunt’s home in Quebec it had taken months for the reality to set in.

“When I left I didn’t know,” she hedged.

He raised one eyebrow. “It’s been a year since you ran,” he said, his voice brusque.

Trust Joe not to let anything be easy. She had run, as far and as fast as she could, but she didn’t like the way it sounded when he said it.

She decided to tell him the simple truth. “A year ago I hated you.”

“And you think that’s fair?” His hand lay fisted on his knee, saying more about what he was feeling than his reasonable tone.

She shrugged. “I didn’t say it was fair. I said it was the reason. It took me a couple of months to realize I was pregnant. I thought I was feeling ill because of stress.”

He’d been looking at Michael. His head came up and he nailed her with a steady gaze. “You were sick?”

She nodded, remembering the misery. “Yes. I felt awful for the first three months. I blamed you.” She’d blamed Joe for everything. She realized she still did.

He stared at her a long time before he spoke again. She worked very hard not to squirm. “Why did you come back?”

The only sound in the room was Michael’s suckling and her own heart, pounding in her ears.

It wasn’t an easy question, but a reasonable one. She needed to be honest with Joe. She’d hide her feelings about him, but there shouldn’t be any dishonesty between them when it came to Michael. She owed him that.

“To tell you about Michael. To try to straighten out the mess Daddy left behind so I can start a new life with my son.”

His expression hardened, making his jaw look even more square. “Our son.”

She hesitated for a long moment. “Our son.”

Joe rubbed his palm along his thigh in a gesture that looked like nerves to her. She had never seen him look anything but totally composed and in charge.

“What is his birth date?”

“July twenty-first.” At 11:51 p.m. She didn’t remember, because she had been so exhausted and doped up with medication, but that was the time the doctor had listed on the birth records.

He cleared his throat. “Is my name on his birth certificate?”

“Yes.” How long had her hand hovered over the line on the form marked “father”? It had been a close call. Now she was relieved she could tell him yes. It was one less thing to argue about.

“This new life you have in mind. Where do you think you’re going?” His tone had a challenging edge to it.

“I don’t know.” That was the truth. She had no idea where she and Michael would end up. She didn’t know physically where they would live, but she knew that emotionally she had to stay as far away from Joe as she could get.

She left that part out of the conversation. As far as she knew, he wasn’t interested in her, either.

Where she would end up depended on how much money she could raise and where she could find a job. Her art history degree had its limitations in the job market. Without her trust fund a job like the one she’d had at the gallery in New York wouldn’t pay enough to live on.

She pulled her sweatshirt down to cover herself as best she could and used her finger to break the suction between Michael’s mouth and her nipple.

“Is he done?”

The man certainly was curious. He had nieces and nephews. Hadn’t he ever seen a woman nurse a baby? “I need to switch him to the other side.”

Michael made a sleepy protest as she put him up to her shoulder and awkwardly tried to refasten her bra with one hand.

Joe reached for the baby and held him over his shoulder, gently rubbing Michael’s back. Michael gave a quiet little burp that made Joe smile.

He was not at all awkward the way most men were with newborns.

Nikki unfastened the other side of her bra and took Michael back, snuggling him across her lap so he could finish eating. This time, to Nikki’s relief, Joe didn’t fool with her sweatshirt.

They sat quietly for a long time before he spoke again. “Do you hate me?”

“No. I don’t really feel anything for you.” She didn’t look at him as she spoke, and wondered if he knew how big a lie she’d just told.

She felt so confused about him she wondered if she would ever figure it all out. She was still very attracted to him. To relieve the temptation she felt she wanted him out of the house. She could handle herself if they met in public places so he could have time with the baby, but the current living arrangement was just too cozy.

Nikki took a deep breath. She glanced up at him. “Joe, I want you to leave.”

He studied her for a moment. “Why?”

“Because you make me uncomfortable.”

He shrugged. “Okay. I’ll go watch the game.”

“No, I mean I want you to leave the house.” She was messing this up.