Читать книгу Love Islands: Summer Kisses - Joanna Neil - Страница 16

NATHAN SAT ON the sidelines while Rachel had dinner with Ron. It was clear she was onto the health promotion part. She was pointing at his plate and obviously talking about food choices. Next she swapped his soda for a diet one. Then she persuaded him to have some salad with his steak.

Ron wasn’t eating much but the flushed colour of his cheeks had faded. Next, Rachel held his GTN spray for angina in her hands and talked him through how and when to use it.

‘Earth to Planet Nathan. Are you home?’

Len was grinning at him from the other side of the table.

‘What is it?’

Len gestured with his fork. ‘You haven’t taken your eyes off her for the last ten minutes. I keep expecting you to make an excuse to go on over there.’

‘What? No way.’ He speared a bit of his steak.

Len raised his eyebrows. ‘I know.’

‘Know what?’

‘That you two have history.’

He almost dropped his fork. ‘What do you mean?’ He shot a quick wayward glance in her direction again. He’d love to say that Len was far too observant for his own good. But Len was one of the crew members he had a rapport with. He hoped Len would be on his side.

Rachel reached across the table and put her hand over Ron’s, obviously offering some words of comfort.

Just as well he knew there was absolutely nothing in it, otherwise he was pretty sure his stomach would be twisting right now.

Len had started eating again. ‘I knew it when I talked to her down at the bar. She mentioned you then.’

‘She did?’ All of a sudden Len had his instant attention. ‘What did she say?’

Len laughed. ‘Oh, nothing good. I take it you didn’t leave things on the best of terms?’

Nathan started toying with his food. His gaze drifted back to Rachel. Her dark hair had fallen in waves over her shoulders and she’d put a pink wrap around her shoulders.

Rachel liked pink. She always had—at least seventy per cent of her wardrobe was pink. But what she probably didn’t realise was just how good she looked in the colour; it didn’t matter what the shade was. It seemed to make her lightly tanned skin glow and her dark hair and eyes shine.

He hesitated. It was obvious Len was waiting for an answer. ‘We’ve not been on the best of terms for eight years.’ The words kind of stuck in his throat. ‘Before that, we were good together …’ he paused ‘… really good.’

As he said the words out loud he realised how much they hurt. How little he understood about what had happened in his own life. Charlie was settled now. He’d grown up before his time and was married with a family. If his parents hadn’t died that was pretty much where he’d expected him and Rachel to end up. Married with a family, probably here in Australia.

But he’d lost all that. He’d lost not just the woman, but also his dreams and aspirations. The life he’d been supposed to live. The career pathway he’d had all plotted out in his head without even knowing if he could be a decent surgeon. He’d barely had the chance to hold a surgical scalpel.

The resentment had flowed through his blood for years. He’d resented her for walking away and leaving him. He’d resented her for carrying on with her career. He’d resented the fact she’d had a life whilst he felt as if he’d been stuck in limbo.

His training in London hadn’t fulfilled him; it hadn’t captured his passion and enthusiasm and he’d wondered if he would ever get that back.

Joining Doctors Without Borders was his way out. It was his way of trying to live again. Trying to feel useful. He’d saved lives. He knew he had. And knowing that had helped in a way. He might not have been able to save his parents, but he had been able to save others. And for five years he had. In lots of different ways. He still felt a little numb. Some days that had been the only way to survive out there, to just block out certain things so you could continue to function. But the camaraderie with the other staff had been amazing. He’d felt valued—an essential part of the team. He’d worked hard to make others feel that way too and do the absolute best job that he could.

And he’d made friends—good friends that he would have for life.

But the truth was that everyone burned out over there. He had too.

And once you’d burned out it was time to leave. The bosses at Doctors Without Borders often recognised it before the staff did.

Australia had always been the aspiration. Now, it was a reality. But it wasn’t working out quite how he had thought. Lewis was a good colleague. And the hospital he’d been working in was fine. But, the truth was, when he woke up in the morning his job wasn’t the first thing on his mind.

He’d changed. Life had changed. And as he glanced across the canteen he wondered how life had changed for Rachel too.

Len cleared his throat, then took a drink of his beer. He was off duty tonight. Officially, Nathan was off duty too. But even a couple of beers didn’t appeal.

‘Well, maybe it’s time.’

Nathan frowned. ‘Time to do what?’

‘Time to find out if eight years’ worth of bad feeling is worth it.’ He winked at Nathan. ‘I’ve got a nice bottle of chilled Barramundi behind the bar.’ He nodded towards the wall that had the shooting schedule on it. ‘There’s nothing scheduled for tonight. Nothing will happen, apart from the celebrities fighting over whose turn it is to empty the dunny. Why don’t you take a seat down at the beach with the fine lady and have a chat? I hear the sunsets around here are to die for.’

‘Not a chance.’ The words were out of his mouth immediately. He hadn’t even given it a moment’s consideration in his head.

Because it was more than a little tempting.

Len stood up. ‘Well, if you change your mind I’ll leave the bottle in some ice at the bar. Up to you, buddy. I’ll see you tomorrow at the cliffs. Let’s see how fast you can climb.’

Rachel and Ron had stood up and were clearing their trays. Len picked up his and walked over to the kitchen doors, exchanging a few words with them on the way.

Nathan stared down at his steak. The food here had been surprisingly good. He’d heard from the crew that television jobs were often judged on the catering and, if Celebrity Island was anything to go by, people would be fighting to get a job here. But his appetite had left him.

The seed that had planted in his brain earlier was beginning to bloom and grow. The more he was around Rachel, the more he realised just how much he’d done to try and avoid being in the same position again—the position where Rachel walking away had hurt more than any physical pain he’d experienced.

He’d spent eight years never really forming true relationships. He still had a good relationship with his brother, Charlie, and a few good friends from university. But other than that? The experience of losing his parents and Rachel so soon after seemed to have affected him more than he’d realised. Trusting someone with his heart again just seemed like a step too far. It was much easier to totally absorb himself in work and other issues. Trouble was, this island didn’t have enough work to keep him fully occupied, leaving him with far too much thinking time.

He cleared his tray and murmured a few words of greeting to some of the other crew members. He didn’t feel like socialising tonight, but on an island as small as this—with some parts out of bounds for filming—it could be difficult to find some space. The atmosphere in the cabin was becoming claustrophobic. And he was sure it was all him. Rachel seemed relaxed and at ease. She’d obviously got over the whole thing years ago. It wasn’t giving her sleepless nights.

He kicked off his trainers and wandered down to the beach. The path was only lit with a few dull lights and the insects were buzzing furiously around him. The waves around this island were a disappointment. Nathan had counted on spending a few hours in the surf every day but it wasn’t to be. As a result, he hadn’t spent much time on the beach.

He saw her as soon as his feet touched the cool sand. Saw the pink wrap around her, rippling in the nighttime breeze.

Len had obviously whispered in her ear. A silver wine cooler was on the sand next to the sun lounger she was sitting on, a glass of wine already in her hand.

He should leave her in peace. She was probably trying to escape, just like he was.

Or he could join her. He could ask her about Ron. It was a pathetic excuse. Even he knew that. But from a fellow medic it was a reasonable question. He stuck his hands deep into his shorts pockets as he moved across the sand towards her.

She was silhouetted against the warm setting sun, which sent a peachy glow across her skin. The condensation was visible on her wine glass as she took a sip.

‘Don’t spoil this, Nathan.’

Her words almost stopped him in his tracks. He paused for a second, his toes curling against the sand. He knew exactly what she meant. But somehow he still didn’t want to go there with her.

‘Don’t worry. Wine’s not really my thing. I prefer a beer.’ He missed out the obvious remark. Remember?

It was flippant, completely circumventing the whole issue. She didn’t turn at his voice, just kept her gaze fixed on the horizon and let out a sigh.

She sipped at her wine. ‘I’m tired, Nathan. I’m tired of all this.’

It seemed as if the barriers were finally down. Rachel was saying what had been on her mind since she’d first set foot in the medical cabin and caught sight of him.

If she’d said those words a few days ago his temper would have flared. How dare she be the one to be tired of the atmosphere between them when it was just as much her fault as his?

But the last few days had made his head spin. He couldn’t work out how he really felt about her.

He’d felt it all. Searing jealousy when Darius had appeared. A whole host of sensations when his skin had come into contact with hers. Confusion and rage for the first few days. Flares of passion. His gaze couldn’t help but linger on her when he thought she wouldn’t notice. Certain glances, nuances, would make his heartbeat quicken and send his blood racing around his body. All sensations he wanted to deny, to ignore.

He hadn’t expected to see Rachel again. And he certainly hadn’t expected to feel like this around her. Feeling was the problem. It was interfering with everything and because they were virtually stranded on an island together, that seemed to amplify it all.

He stepped forward—it felt like crossing a line—and bumped down on the sun lounger beside her. Her barriers were down. Maybe it was time for some home truths.

She shuffled over a little to make room for him. He reached over and took the glass from her hand, taking a sip of the chilled wine and handing it back. His eyes were focused entirely on the orange setting sun. It seemed easier. Like sitting in a movie theatre together.

The sharp wine hit the back of his throat.

‘I didn’t expect to see you again, Rach.’ He let the words hang in the air between them.

When she finally spoke she didn’t sound quite so exasperated. ‘I didn’t expect to see you again either.’

She turned her head towards him. Her voice had changed; it wasn’t so strong. There was the tiniest waver. ‘I don’t know how to be around you. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what’s normal for us any more. I don’t think things can ever feel normal for us again.’

She was right. She was saying everything that was running through his head. They’d gone from normal to nothing. One day she’d been there—the next she had gone. With a fifteen-minute fraught and tearful conversation tacked on the end.

This situation was alien to them both.

After spending a couple of years at university together with flirtation and attraction, he’d finally acted on instinct and asked her out. They’d been together for five years—through finals, through placements as medical students and then out into the world together as junior doctors, and then senior house officers.

Their relationship had been good. There had been passion and mutual respect in equal measures with only the occasional cross word. She’d been his best friend. Losing her had devastated him at a time when he’d needed her most.

In a way it was a relief that she was struggling with this too. He’d always thought he’d been instantly replaced by Darius Cornell. He’d never understood how she could just walk away from their relationship without a backward glance. And it made him doubt himself—doubt his own ability to read people. He’d questioned that he’d ever known her at all.

She turned her body towards his. ‘Would it help if I said sorry? I’m sorry that I left?’

‘It would help if you told me why you left.’ It came out without any censorship. Without any thought. After eight years, he had to say the thing that was truly on his mind. He needed an explanation. He deserved an explanation.

She paused, obviously searching her brain for the right words. ‘I had to go.’ The words were measured—deliberate. ‘It was the right thing for me. It was the right thing for you. It was the right thing for Charlie.’

The mention of his brother made his temper flare. ‘Don’t you dare tell me that was the right thing for my brother. You weren’t there. You didn’t see. You chose to not see. In a world of madness you were the one thing to give him a sense of normality. You never even told him you were going. Have you any idea how hurt he was? He’d just lost his mum and dad. He didn’t need to lose someone else who’d been a permanent fixture in his life for five years.’

A tear rolled down her cheek. She reached over and touched his arm, the cold fingers from the wine glass causing him to flinch. ‘I know that. Don’t you think I know that? And I’m sorry. It broke my heart; it really did. But I had to. I just had to.’ She was shaking her head, oh, so slowly. As if she’d had no choice. But that was rubbish. There was always a choice.

It was words. It was just words. There was no explanation. No rational reason to explain what she’d done. But it was just the two of them sitting alone on this sun lounger on the beach in the glow of the setting sun. And she was confusing him all over again. How could she still do that after eight years?

He could see the sincerity in her eyes. He could hear the emotion in her voice. She wasn’t lying to him; she meant every word—even if she wouldn’t explain them.

Frustration was simmering in his chest. All he wanted was an explanation. A reason. Something he could make sense of in his head. ‘Why, Rach? Why can’t you tell me now? It’s been eight years. Surely whatever mattered then is in the past?’

Her lips were quivering, her fingertips still on his arm. He could feel the tension in the air between them, hanging like the fireflies above their heads. But there was more than that. There was the buzz, the electricity that still sparked between them.

All he wanted to do was reach up and catch the tear that was rolling down her cheek and wipe it away.

But she moved first. Something flitted across her eyes and she leaned forward, crossing the gap between them. Her perfume surrounded his senses, invading every part of him. He stopped breathing as her lips touched his. It was gentle, coaxing. Her fingertips moved from his arm to the side of his cheek.

His first reaction was to pull back. He’d thought about this from the first second he’d seen her. But he hadn’t actually imagined it would happen. He hadn’t even let his mind go that far.

But his body had other ideas. His hand tangled through her long hair, settling at the back of her head and pulling her closer to him.

He couldn’t think straight. But he could kiss.

And Rachel was kissing him right back.

Her fingers brushed against his tightly shorn hair, sending tingles down his spine as the kiss intensified.

Eight long years he’d waited to do this again. Eight long years to feel her familiar lips against his. They fitted, just the way they always had. Memories of kissing Rachel swamped him.

In their student accommodation … in one of the on-call rooms in the hospital … at one of the hospital balls … and on the street one night in the pouring rain when they just couldn’t wait to get home.

All of those memories raced around his head. This was too tempting. She was too tempting. Her hair was softer than cashmere, the skin around her neck and shoulders smoother than silk.

His hands slid down her back, feeling the contours of her spine and the curve of her hips. He paused. This was where he thought he’d glimpsed a scar. But now his brain felt as if it were playing tricks on him.

Every pore in his body wanted to move closer, to lie backwards on the sun lounger and pull her body against his. To feel the warm curves underneath her sundress press against the hard angles of his body. But the beach was too exposed. Any minute now some of the crew could appear. Anything that happened between him and Rachel was private—not for public consumption.

Then he felt it—the tear brush against his cheek. Was it the one that was already there? Or was she still crying?

He sucked in a breath. She gently pulled her lips from his, not breaking contact, leaving her forehead resting against his while she gave a few little gasps.

He had so many unanswered questions. So many things he wanted to say.

But she lifted her finger and placed it against his lips before he had a chance to speak. She gave the tiniest shake of her head. As if she was still trying to stay in the moment. Not trying to face up to the past, the present or the future.

His hand lifted and stroked her cheek. It was wet with tears. ‘Rach?’ he murmured.

She pulled back, her cheeks glistening. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I really am. But I just can’t talk about it. I can’t give us that time back. I just can’t.’ Her voice cracked and she stumbled to her feet, making a grab for her wrap. ‘I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I need to go.’

She was off in a flash, running towards the path away from the beach and back to the cabins. Nathan didn’t move. His heart was thudding against his chest. The caveman instinct in him wanted to run after her. But he could hardly get his head around what had just happened. Why had she kissed him?

He’d wanted to kiss her … but Rachel? Making the first move? It left him stunned.

Then his legs moved before he had a chance to think any more.

No. No, he wouldn’t let her do this. He wouldn’t let her disappear out of his life without explaining what had just happened. He pounded across the sand after her, catching up easily and grabbing her hand, spinning her around until she was back in his arms. His heart was thudding and his breathing rapid.

‘No, Rach. Don’t do this. This is it. This is the chance to clear the air between us. You have to tell me. Don’t you think after all this time I deserve to know?’

Her face was wet with tears now. He hated that. He hated to think he had anything to do with that.

But he couldn’t let this go. He just couldn’t. It was time for the truth.

His voice was rich with emotion. ‘Tell me.’

It was the thing that she’d always dreaded. The thing she’d never thought she would have to explain.

A thousand variations of the truth spun around in her head. Everything about it swamped her. The words she didn’t want to say out loud just came to her lips. It was almost involuntary, but she’d been holding it in so long it just had to come out.

‘I had renal cancer,’ she whispered. Her voice could barely be heard above the quiet waves. The final rays of the sun had vanished now. The beach was in complete darkness, with only the occasional twinkling star.

Every part of Nathan’s body stiffened. He turned towards her. He couldn’t hide the horror written across his face. ‘What? When? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?’ He stiffened. It was as if something in his brain had just clicked. ‘That’s what the scar is on your back? You had your kidney removed?’

Her heart squeezed. It was obvious he was totally and utterly stunned.

The tears spilled down her cheeks and she nodded. ‘No one knew. I didn’t tell anyone.’ Her voice broke.

His arms moved from her shoulders. This time he put both his hands on the tops of her arms. He shook his head. ‘But why, Rachel? Why would you go through something like that alone? Why wouldn’t you tell me?’

Anger flared inside her. Years of pent-up frustration at having to do what she’d thought was right. ‘How could I? You and Charlie had just lost your parents. You were barely holding it together. I almost didn’t go for the tests. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I’d pushed all that to one side while I’d helped you plan the funeral.’

‘You ignored your symptoms because of me? Because of Charlie?’ He looked horrified. He kept shaking his head. ‘But when did you find out? When did you get the results?’

Her voice was shaking. ‘Just before I left. I arranged to get my treatment in Australia.’

‘That’s why you left? That’s why you left me?’ He was furious now. The ire in his voice was only vaguely clouded by disbelief.

She shook his hands off her arms. ‘Yes, that’s why I left. Why did you think I left? Because I didn’t love you any more?’ She was shouting now; she couldn’t help it. ‘Why? Why would I do that? Do you know what the statistics are for renal cancer? Do you know how it’s graded? You think I should have stayed? I should have stayed and put you and Charlie under even more pressure, even more stress? You were broken, Nathan—you both were. Can you imagine getting through your parents’ funeral and spending the next year trying to support a girlfriend who might die? What would that have done to you? What would that have done to Charlie? Why on earth would I do that to two people that I loved?’

She was almost spitting the words out now, all the years of pent-up frustration firing through her veins. All the anger. All the bitterness of being on her own and not being supported by the people that she’d loved. She’d had her mother, but their relationship had been different. She hadn’t lived with her for more than seven years—since she’d gone to the UK and started university. It wasn’t the same as having the people she’d grown to love beside her. It wasn’t just Nathan and Charlie she’d walked away from—she’d also left her father. He’d tried to understand, he really had, but it had changed their relationship too.

Nathan stood up and paced the beach with his hands on his hips, his head constantly shaking. ‘I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that’s why you left. You didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me enough to tell me about the cancer? You didn’t think I would support you through it? You didn’t think I could handle it?’

He was angry but she felt even angrier. If she could stamp her feet on the soft sand that was exactly what she’d be doing.

‘That’s just it. I knew you would support me through it. And I knew Charlie would too. But in a year’s time you might have ended up organising another funeral. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t put you both in that position.’

‘That wasn’t your choice to make!’ he spat out. ‘We were together. We were a partnership. I thought we meant something to each other. I loved you, Rachel.’

‘And I loved you. That’s why I left!’

Their faces were inches apart. He was furious at her, and she was equally furious with him. How dare he think she’d just upped and walked away without a second thought? She hadn’t even realised that she’d been angry with him too. Angry that he didn’t come after her. Angry that he didn’t jump on a plane to Australia to find her.

Of course she knew that hadn’t been a possibility. She knew that he’d had Charlie to look after, but it still made her feel as if he hadn’t loved her enough.

Not as much as she loved him.

Wow. The thought muddled around in her brain. She wasn’t thinking about the past. She was thinking about the present. No matter what had happened between them, she still loved Nathan Banks. She’d never stopped. Her legs wobbled a little.

‘I can’t believe you didn’t trust me, Rachel. I can’t believe you didn’t trust me enough to let me be by your side when you were sick.’ The anger had left his voice. Now, it was just disbelief. It was obvious he’d been blindsided by this. He looked as if she’d torn his heart out and left it thrown on the beach.

‘I’ve always trusted you, Nathan,’ she said quietly. She couldn’t look at him right now, with the tears falling down her cheeks. ‘I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. If things had gone the other way we wouldn’t be standing here having this conversation. You’ve no idea how many of the people I met at that treatment centre aren’t here any more. I was lucky. I beat the odds. I just couldn’t guarantee that. I didn’t want you to have to bury someone else that you loved.’

He stepped forward, his finger brushing a tear from her cheek. ‘I didn’t need guarantees from you, Rachel. I just needed you.’ His voice cracked and she shook her head.

‘I’m sorry, Nathan. I’m sorry I didn’t stay and help with Charlie. I’m sorry you had to change your speciality. But even if I had stayed, I couldn’t have helped. I was too sick, too weak to have been of any use. There was no way I wanted to be a burden to you. You wouldn’t have been able to stand the strain of working long hours, looking after Charlie and looking after me. No one would.’

‘You can’t say that! You don’t know. You didn’t give us the chance to find out.’ Pure frustration was written all over his face.

She pressed her hand to her heart and closed her eyes. These were selfish words but she had to say them. There was no other way. She had to try and make him understand just a little. ‘But what about me, Nathan? I had to concentrate on getting better. I had to concentrate on getting well. I couldn’t afford to worry about you and Charlie too. I barely had enough energy to open my eyes in the morning let alone think about anyone else. I wouldn’t have been a help. I would have been a hindrance, a drain.’ She shook her head again. ‘You didn’t need that.’

Nathan didn’t hesitate for a second. He stepped forward and gripped her arm. ‘You had no right. No right to make that decision for me. You had no right to make that decision for Charlie. You were our family. You were all we had left.’

His words took the air right out of her. In every scenario she’d imagined over the last few years she’d always believed that what she’d done had been for the best. But the force of his reaction was wiping her out. She’d always felt guilty but she’d never really considered this. He’d been grief-stricken—already feeling abandoned by his family. But hearing his words now made her feel sick.

Yes, her actions had been selfish. But she’d thought she’d done it out of love. Now, she was beginning to wonder if playing the martyr had been the most selfish thing that she could have done.

Her legs wobbled underneath her and she collapsed back down onto the blanket, putting her head in her hands. Everything was going so wrong.

Minutes ago she’d been in Nathan’s arms—the place she truly wanted to be. Minutes ago he’d been kissing her and now, with one sweep of his fingertips and the touch of a scar, there was just a world of recriminations. Exactly what she’d dreaded.

She’d expected Nathan to storm off and not talk to her any more. But he hadn’t.

He stepped forward and took her hands in his. Pain was etched on his face. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had renal cancer. I’m sorry you thought you had to go to the other side of the world alone to be treated. But you should have never done that, Rachel. You should have never walked away—no matter how well-intentioned you thought it was. This was about trust. This was about you and me. You didn’t trust me enough to stay.’ He dropped her hands. ‘I just don’t think I can get past this.’

He stepped back and she felt a wave of panic come over her. ‘I did love you, Nathan. Really, I did.’ Her voice dropped as she realised how painful it must be to hear those words.

He spun back around and glared at her. ‘Really? Well, you replaced me as soon as you got to Australia. With Darius.’ He almost spat the words at her.

It was pure frustration and she knew it. ‘You decided you trusted him enough to help you through your surgery and treatment. Someone you barely even knew. So don’t give me that, Rachel. Don’t lie to me. I’ve had just about as much as I can take.’

He turned on his heel and strode across the beach, never once looking back.

She crumpled to the ground and started to sob. The night was ruined. Everything about this was wrong. She’d always been sure about her decision—so sure that she’d done the right thing. Now, her brain was spinning. Her thoughts were jumbled. For the first time in her life she wondered if she might have been wrong.

It was pathetic. She was pathetic. But all she’d wanted to do was kiss him. So she had. No rational thought behind it. She’d acted purely on selfish instinct.

It was just too hard. It was too hard to be this close to him again and not touch him. In the past when she’d been with Nathan she’d spent most of her time in his arms. He’d completed her. He’d given her confidence when she’d doubted her abilities and strength when she’d struggled with the long hours of being a junior doctor.

She’d loved being with him. She’d loved being part of his family. Her own mother and father had split years before, her father staying in England and her mother settling in Australia. And although they loved her and she loved them, it had been a disjointed kind of upbringing.

When Nathan and Charlie’s parents had died it had broken her. She’d wanted to be strong for them both. And she’d managed it right up until she’d found out about her diagnosis.

It had been the final straw.

And all of this was flooding back. For too long she’d kept it in a box—far out of reach, somewhere it couldn’t affect her emotions. She couldn’t concentrate on what her leaving had done to Nathan and Charlie. She’d been so focused on getting well and getting through her treatment that she hadn’t allowed herself space to think about any of this. When her treatment was over, she’d focused on her career, trying to get things back on track after taking a year out.

But she’d never got over the guilt attached to leaving Nathan. She’d never got over the fact she didn’t have the guts to say goodbye to Charlie; one tear from him would have been the end of her and she would never have made it onto that plane.

She was lucky. She’d had a good outcome and for that she was so grateful. But it hadn’t been guaranteed. The prospect of deteriorating and forcing Nathan and Charlie to be by her side had been unthinkable.

And, even though she had a barrel-load of regrets, if she had her time over she would still get on that plane. She would still walk away to face the cancer on her own.

Except she hadn’t really been on her own. She’d had her mum in Australia and then, even though it wasn’t what people thought, she’d had Darius too.

It could barely be called a romance. There might have been a few kisses exchanged but it had been entirely different from the relationship she’d had with Nathan. There had never been the passion, the deep underlying attraction. It had almost been like a mutual support society. At times he had been a shoulder to cry on. And during her surgery and renal cancer treatment that was exactly what she’d needed.

Nathan hated her. It didn’t matter that he’d kissed her back. Every time he looked at her she could see it in his eyes. If only she could have just five minutes when he looked at her like he’d used to. Just five minutes.

But the world was full of people with ‘if only’s. It was too late to be one of those. She wasn’t here to re-examine her faulty love life. She’d never managed to sustain a decent relationship since the break-up with Nathan. At first she’d had no time or energy for it. No one quite seemed to live up to the man she’d left behind.

But this Nathan was different. He wasn’t the same person she’d loved. She could see the changes behind his eyes. In the weathered lines on his face—textured in the eight years she hadn’t known him. Who had he loved in that time?

What had she just done? If she’d thought this island was claustrophobic before, she’d just made the situation ten times worse.

She’d been so careful. After her initial exchange of words with Nathan she’d tried to be so cool about things. She understood his resentment. Nathan must hate her.

But it couldn’t stop all the feelings he was reviving in her—all the memories. She’d dealt with her renal cancer the best way she felt she could. But it didn’t stop her regretting her actions every time she looked at him.

Part of her was resentful too. How would life have turned out if the renal cancer hadn’t happened? Would they have come to Australia together and settled here? Would they both have stuck at their chosen specialities? She already knew that Nathan had changed his plans—would that have happened if they’d still been together?

Something coiled inside her. Her life could have been so different.

His life could have been so different.

Their lives could have been so different.