Читать книгу The Rebel Doc: Tempted by Her Italian Surgeon / The Doctor's Redemption / Resisting Her Rebel Doc - Joanna Neil, Joanna Neil - Страница 13

IT WAS LATE and dark when they arrived at the hospital, after a long journey where Ivy had felt herself withdraw into her worries. But Matteo had kept a constant stream of trivial conversation to dredge an occasional smile and for that she was grateful.

Now she knew he liked rugby more than football. That he preferred bottled beer to wine. That he’d had his wisdom teeth removed when he was twenty. Nothing deeper than that. But it had been enough. More than enough to keep her from going out of her mind with concern.

He pulled up outside the entrance, a hand on her knee as he spoke. ‘I’ll find a parking spot. You go in, I’ll find you.’

‘She’ll be in the cardiac ward, I imagine. Or High Dependency or something … I’ll ask at Reception. Perhaps I should text you?’ She went for her phone in her bag. Did she have his number?

He put his hand on hers and gave her a smile that went bone deep. ‘Ivy, I know my way around a hospital. I’ll find you. Go.’

‘Of course. Yes. Yes.’ What was wrong with her? One stolen kiss and she’d been reduced to fluff. Her brain wasn’t functioning. Maybe it was the worry about her mum …

After she watched him pull away she went to find her mother, feeling empty and bewildered, her own heart bruised and broken enough too. There was so much between them that needed to be said, that she wanted to fix but wanted to avoid at all costs.

The hospital corridors were silent as she walked to the reception desk, a grey-haired lady pointing her in the direction of Cardiac Care. Darkness outside the windows penetrated her heart. She’d been talking about her mum and then something bad had happened. What did that mean?

She didn’t want to rail at her, to blame her for the crappy upbringing she’d had—it was too late for that. All Ivy had ever wanted was recognition that she was important in her mother’s life. But, in the end, she supposed, it didn’t matter a jot. Ivy’s mother was important to her and if love only went one way, then so be it. It was too late for recriminations.

One of the nurses greeted her and showed her to her mother’s bed with a stern warning to be quick and quiet.

‘Ivy.’ Her mum looked frail and old, lying on pale green sheets that leached colour from her cheeks. Tubes and wires stuck out from under the blanket, attached to a monitor that bleeped at reassuringly regular intervals. A tube piped oxygen into her nostrils, but she sucked in air too, pain etched across her features. ‘Thank you for coming, I said not to bother you. I know you’re busy—too busy to have to come all this way to see your old mum.’

‘Mum, you’ve had a heart attack—since when was that not enough to bring me to see you?’ Guilt ripped through Ivy, as she’d known it would. It was what happened every time she saw her mum—whatever Ivy had done it had never been enough to make her mother love her and she just didn’t know how to make things better. She gave her a hug, which was always difficult, and this time it was hindered by the tubes. Movement made her mother’s monitor beep, and consequently made Ivy’s heart pound—loudly—and so she quickly let go. The space between them seemed to stretch.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Lousy.’ Breathless and wheezing, her mum settled back down and the beeping stopped. ‘I had … an angioplasty. They’ve cleared the occlusion … put in a stent … so I just need a short stay in here … then do some rehab … as an out-patient.’

It was fixable. Just faulty plumbing. Relief flooded through her as she held her mum’s hand. But once again she felt very much like their roles had been reversed, that she was the one taking the care, being the parent. ‘That’s great news. I was … I was worried about you.’

‘Thanks, love. I’m glad you came. You’re all I’ve got now. Can you stay … you know, a while?’

Responsibility tugged Ivy in every direction. Her job, everything, could be put on hold. Couldn’t it? She’d only been there a few weeks—but they’d understand. Wouldn’t they? She had a nagging sensation that things weren’t going to be easy, that she’d have to fight to take time off—time she hadn’t yet earned. And she had that upcoming sexual harassment case that was so important for everyone involved. She needed to be in London all clued up for that.

And she needed to be here with her mum. Someone who had never been there for her. Maybe she could trust the case to a junior? Maybe she could teleconference with them all. Maybe, surely, they’d understand? What would happen if they didn’t? She didn’t want to contemplate that. She’d finally got her dream job, and now … She looked at her mum, frail and anxious. ‘I’ll stay here with you as long as you need, Mum.’

‘I’d appreciate it. I don’t have anyone else.’

‘You have me.’ Even though it had never seemed enough. ‘Is there anything you need? Once they have you settled …’

‘I’ve been thinking, Ivy. About everything … We need to talk. I need to …’ Her mum’s eyes drifted to a spot just behind Ivy and as her skin prickled in response to an external stimulus, also known as Dr Delicious, she turned. Her mum’s voice suddenly sounded a lot more healthy. ‘Who’s this?’

‘Oh. Yes. Mum, this is Matteo, my …’ What the hell was he? Other than a giant pain in the backside and a damned fine kisser? And, okay, so he was wearing her down a little with his huge generosity of spirit and the four hours’ of driving on a soggy spring evening through interminable traffic on a motorway that had been as clogged as her mother’s arteries. He was also messing with her head. ‘He’s my colleague at St Carmen’s. He drove me here.’

‘All the way from London? Lucky you.’

‘Yes, well …’ She’d never introduced a man friend to her mother before. ‘He’s just helping me out.’

Ivy shot Matteo a look that she hoped would silence any other kind of response. Because it was late and she was frazzled, her mum was sick and this wasn’t the time or place for explanations. I met his bottom first, the rest came later, and I have no idea what any of it means.

And, truth be told, I’m scared. Right now, of everything. Of you dying. Of him becoming too much to me. Of losing myself in either grief or love.

Of not being able to let go.

The nurse bustled over and fiddled with an IV line attached to a large bag of fluid. ‘Hello, there. Look, I know you’ve come a long way and I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but visiting hours finished a long time ago. I let you sit with her for a while but, really, she needs to get her rest and so do my other patients …’

‘It’s okay, Ivy. You go.’ Her mum’s eyes were already closed, but she squeezed Ivy’s hand. A gesture that was the simplest and yet most profound thing Ivy had received from her mum in a very long time. Tears pricked her eyes.

‘Of course. Yes. Of course. I’m so sorry. I’ll be back tomorrow, Mum.’

‘Good. Bring me some toiletries, will you? A nightgown. Make-up.’

‘Make-up? What for?’

‘Standards, darling.’ Typical Mum. But it did make Ivy smile—she couldn’t be at the far end of danger if she wanted to put on mascara.

‘Let’s go, Ivy.’ Matteo touched her arm and he drew her away from the ward and out into the silent corridor of eternal half-night. That was how hospitals felt to her—places where reality hovered in the background, and time ticked slowly in an ethereal way.

It was good to have him there, despite the strange unbidden feelings he provoked. Emotions washed through her—elation that her mum wasn’t going to die, sadness about the gulf between them, and then, interlaced with all of this, the comfort of being with Matteo. A comfort that pulsed with excitement and sexual attraction. Which seemed really inappropriate and out of place right now. But there it was. Maybe she just needed another human being to metaphorically cling to. There was, after all, a first time for everything.

He waited until they were outside before he spoke. ‘So it’s good news, then? She’s going to be okay?’

A long breath escaped her lungs. ‘Yes, it would seem so. She’s had an MI and angioplasty and the outlook’s good.’

‘So why the sad face?’

She tried to find him a smile, because it was good news. ‘I don’t know … I’m really pleased she’s okay. I just feel terrible for saying those awful things about her, for thinking bad things when she was so sick. She could have died and I’d never have forgiven myself.’

He stopped short and looked at her. ‘Ivy, her only job was to love you. If she didn’t do that then you’re right to be angry at her.’

She got the feeling that he was talking from personal experience, that there was something that had happened to him. That he understood what she felt because he’d felt it too. ‘Matteo, do you have a good relationship with your family? Were things okay when you were growing up?’ It was so not her way to ask direct questions like this—to go deeper than she ever wanted to go herself—but maybe learning how other people coped with things could help.

And she’d quite like to feel she wasn’t the only one around here who’d got issues.

At a time like this, in the dark, late at night, with worry hovering around the edges, maybe it was the best time to talk about these things. The things that really mattered.

He shrugged, sucking in the cool fresh northern air. ‘My mum could only be described as wanting to love us all to death. She’s your typical Italian mother—overfeeding, over-smothering and over-loving us.’

‘And your father?’

He shrugged. Opening the car door, his demeanour changed, his voice took on a forced jolly tone. ‘Now, we need to eat something half-decent that isn’t wrapped in plastic packaging and sold for a fortune in a motorway service station, and you need to get some serious sleep. It has been a long day.’

‘Matteo …’ She wanted him to continue talking about his family. This was the guy who believed in openness and honesty. But only, it seemed, when he felt like it.

‘No, Ivy. It’s too late for talking. Now, show me the way to your house.’

The emotions didn’t wane as she shakily put the key in the lock of her mum’s central York Georgian townhouse. It had been a long time since she’d been here—too long. And that last time they’d argued—but that was nothing new. Ivy couldn’t even remember what it had been about. It didn’t matter, it could have been one of a zillion things, as there’d always been an undercurrent of dissatisfaction between them. But she did remember that she’d left in a storm. And now she was back because her mum had nearly died.

They were immediately greeted by the smell of coffee—that was one thing she had inherited from her mum, a love of decent coffee. Then the warm press of Hugo, the fat ginger cat, who purred as he rubbed himself against her legs, preventing a step forward or backwards.

‘Hey, cat.’ Matteo took a sidestep through the front door, carrying Ivy’s suitcase, a small overnight bag of his own and two large brown paper carriers. He walked through to the kitchen, knowing exactly where to go as if he had homing radar, and plonked them all on the floor. Looking around at the modern granite surfaces and white cupboards in a house that was over two hundred years old, he smiled. ‘Very English. Nice. My mum would be green with envy if she saw this place. She’s been talking about having a new kitchen since I was born.’

It felt strange, having him here in her space—her old space. It wasn’t as if it felt like home any more and yet it was filled with so many familiar things and smells that gave her strange sensations of hurt and loss and loneliness. She’d always envied her friends who’d had happy chaos at home, whereas hers had been all bound up with suffering of one kind or another.

‘So what’s your home like, Matteo?’

‘I guess you’d call it quaint. Old. Small. Traditional. Stone walls, dark wooden cupboards, terracotta tiles, in a village where everyone knows everyone and everyone tries to outdo each other. That’s why I like London, you don’t have to live in each other’s pockets.’ He nodded to the bags. ‘Okay, so I got what I could from the little supermarket next to the hospital after I parked. It wasn’t great, but it had the basics. I have some chicken breasts, pesto sauce and mozzarella cheese. A plastic bag of something the label refers to as salad but which appears to be just leaves. Olives. Bread. And red wine.’

‘I thought you said you preferred beer.’

Not hiding his smile, he started to unpack the carriers. ‘So you were listening? I thought you were nodding your head in time to the music as you stared out of the window at something no one else could see.’

‘I was listening.’ It wasn’t a lie. She’d been half occupied with dreary thoughts, and half enthralled by the thought of being with him for the next few hours. Alone. ‘Well, thank you. I like red wine.’

‘I know.’ He rustled in the cupboards and fished out a frying pan, some bowls, a chopping board, two glasses and a knife. Then he opened the wine, filled two glasses and handed her one, gently pushing her to sit at the breakfast bar. ‘Drink this while I cook.’

She did as she was told, enjoying having someone to look after her for a change but simultaneously feeling a little ill at ease. ‘Why are you being like this? So kind and helpful?’

Slicing the chicken, he threw it into the pan and tossed it around in garlic-infused oil, then emptied the leaves into a bowl. ‘Because you looked like you needed a helping hand.’

She thought about that. With his explanation it all seemed so obvious and easy. It wasn’t. ‘You once said, too, that I looked like I needed kissing. Do you always presume things, Matteo? Make up your own reality to suit yourself?’

He stopped chopping for a moment, the knife held in mid-air. ‘As you appear not to be able to express your wants and needs, but to repress them and create barriers instead, in some sort of stiff-upper-lip thing, I have to go by gut instinct. Women! You should say what you want. Be honest. Ask and we’ll help. Hinting and hiding stuff just confuses us. Pretending to be okay when you’re not doesn’t help anyone in the end. And definitely not men …’ He pushed the olives towards her. ‘We’re easily confused.’

‘Poor men.’ She shot him a sympathetic grimace. ‘How did you get so knowledgeable about women?’

‘I have two sisters, remember? You learn a lot rubbing shoulders with them twenty-four hours a day.’

‘And girlfriends?’

His forehead creased into a little frown and he paused, this time the hand in mid-air holding a bowl of olives. ‘Of course. I’m a man. We have few desires, but some of them do involve having a woman around.’

Oh, yes, she could see that he was man, thank you very much. In dangerous proximity. And she had no idea why she was taking the conversation down this particular track. ‘Anyone … serious … ever?’

‘Not really …’ He shook his head, eyes guarded. ‘No. I’m an emotional Neanderthal, apparently. Selfish. Unfeeling. Because I like to put work first, because I devote myself to my patients.’

‘Poor you.’ She leaned forward and gave him a kiss. A gentle one, on the cheek.

He rubbed the spot her lips had touched. ‘What was that for?’

Shrugging, she threw him a smile. ‘You looked like you needed kissing.’

His eyebrows rose and he laughed, full and heartily. ‘Round three to Miss Ivy.’

She hardly knew him—and yet there was something soul deep that attracted her to him, a peace and yet a disturbing excitement. It felt natural to talk to him, and the silences were comfortable. She couldn’t remember having had that before with a man. She’d spent a lot of time in previous relationships trying to be perfect, to make up for her leg and her limp and her over-officious use of words, her weird sense of humour, trying to give a little of what she held so precious. In the end it had all been hugely disappointing and not worth the trouble.

But Matteo wasn’t like that. He was fun to be around. Plus he was pretty damned useful in the kitchen. With a nice bum. Or maybe he was just Mr Too Good To Be True? She flashed him a smile. ‘Round three? Are we battling again? Why, when you know you won’t win?’

‘I will win. Just wait and see.’

She took an olive and popped it into her mouth. Swallowed. Thought a little more about Matteo, who was stir-frying with gusto. ‘I suspect this “not really” woman broke your heart?’

‘No.’

‘Come on.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘I thought you were all about being honest and open.’

His frown stuck in place as he emptied the frying-pan contents onto a plate, which he pushed into the centre of the breakfast bar. With a swirl of salt and a crackle of black pepper he finished the presentation with flair. Then carved a few thick slices of fresh white bread and loaded them onto side plates with the mozzarella, handing one to Ivy. ‘In truth, she broke my trust and that’s worse.’

‘Oh, yes. Indeed. I understand that.’ So there had been someone significant. And why that knowledge made her heart beat a little faster she didn’t want to know. The way the colour had drained from his face told her he’d been hurt badly. That deep down he kept some truths to himself.

He stuck his fork into a piece of chicken and nudged her to do the same. ‘Come on. Eat. It’s getting cold.’

She didn’t miss the fact he’d changed the subject. Or that he hadn’t said he was happily looking for The One. But, then again, neither was she.

For that matter, she wasn’t looking for anything—fling or attachment, or the whole wedding catastrophe. She was looking for peace of mind and a lifetime doing her own bidding. Of reaching her full potential. Of being the person she was destined to be. Without a man in tow. Without giving anything up. Without losing any of herself.

But a little fun on the side might be nice.

That wine was going to her head. She pushed the bottle away from her. No more. ‘I think I’ll make a start on the washing up.’

‘Let me. It’s past midnight, you look exhausted. Go to bed.’ He reached for her dirty plate and his hand brushed against hers. They both froze as the connection, the electricity between them, blazed again, bright. He frowned. ‘Go. Go to bed, Ivy. I’ll sleep down here on the sofa.’

‘You don’t need to, there’s a spare room upstairs. I’ll make it up for you—give me a couple of minutes. First door on the right.’

‘Okay. If you want.’

What she wanted was for him to sleep in her bed.

My God. She didn’t?

She did. And to wake up to that gorgeous smile tomorrow. Preferably with all her current worries wiped clean and her sense of self intact. She wanted to sleep with him and to have no ramifications. No angsty emotions. To be freed up enough to trust him. To trust herself to not be like her mother.

Like that was going to happen.

‘Matteo …’ She didn’t know what she wanted to say. Well, actually, she did, but she didn’t know how to say it. Or what saying it would mean for both of them. So she chickened out. ‘Thank you. For everything. You’ve been very sweet.’

‘My pleasure.’ He ran his thumb down her cheek, his eyes kind and startling and misted. She caught his gaze and they stood for a few moments just looking at each other. So much was being unsaid, so many needs and wants. Eventually he dragged his gaze away. ‘Now go.’

‘But—’

‘Please.’ He must have known what she was going to ask, knew what she was thinking of offering him—it was written in her eyes, in her body language, in every word, in every gesture. But instead of reaching for her he shook his head. ‘Ivy, it’s late and it’s been an emotional day. First the surgery, then your mum. Don’t let’s get things mixed up. Don’t do something you’d regret.’

I wouldn’t regret it.

But, then again, he was probably right. She had enough problems already without adding him to the list.