Читать книгу His Lordship's Desire - Joan Wolf - Страница 12

The following morning Lady Standish took Sally, Diana and Mrs. Sherwood to visit Lady Jersey, an old friend from childhood with whom she had maintained a correspondence over the years. Lady Jersey was one of the patronesses of Almack’s—the assembly rooms where young ladies went in search of husbands. Not to be admitted to Almack’s was a social blot that was almost insurmountable.

Diana was very nervous about the visit. There was no doubt that Sally would be admitted to Almack’s, but she was not so sure about herself.

Diana had grown up in a small society where she had liked everybody and everybody had liked her. She had had an intense relationship with Alex when she was very young and after he had left she had never paid very close attention to any of the other men who would have liked to marry her. She was still consumed with Alex—only this time her emotion was anger, not love.

Now she was in London, a world where for the first time she sensed the vulnerability of her social status. No one at home had minded that she and her mother had little money. They were part of the Standish family, and that was enough. She had blithely thought that things would be the same in London, but their short drive in the park yesterday had left her in doubt.

So it was with some trepidation that she followed Lady Standish and Sally into the drawing room of Lady Jersey, one of the most influential women in all of London society.

Diana was dressed correctly, in a pretty green muslin dress, with a square-cut neck and empire waistline. Sally was dressed in similar fashion, although her dress was blue. Diana knew she looked all right, she just didn’t feel that way.

Lady Jersey rose to greet Lady Standish and the two women embraced. After they had exchanged a few words, Lady Standish presented Mrs. Sherwood and the two girls.

“My word,” Lady Jersey said, “you have two beauties here, Amelia.”

Lady Standish smiled. “Thank you, Sally,” she said.

“Please, be seated,” Lady Jersey said, gesturing them all to the chairs that were gathered around the marble fireplace in a room that was decorated in the Chinese style.

It was a morning Diana never forgot. In a politely ruthless manner, Lady Jersey ascertained that Mrs. Sherwood was the widow of a mere colonel who had been killed in the Peninsula and that she had no money. She also ascertained that Lady Standish was determined to give Diana a Season along with Sally.

“The two girls are like sisters. Sally wants to have Diana as her companion,” Lady Standish said.

“Does Diana have a dowry at all?” Lady Jersey asked.

Mrs. Sherwood answered, “Unfortunately, no.”

“Hmm.” Lady Jersey frowned.

“Perhaps Alex would give some money for a dowry….” Lady Standish said tentatively.

“I don’t want anything from Alex,” Diana returned quickly. “If I cannot be accepted as myself, then I will just go home.”

Lady Jersey looked at her. “You are an extremely beautiful girl, Miss Sherwood. But I am certain that you know that.”

Diana didn’t reply.

“Please give her a voucher,” Lady Standish said. “Diana is gently if not nobly born. She certainly will not disgrace you, Sally.”

There was a pause, then Lady Jersey shrugged. “Well, why not? I cannot guarantee that you will get an offer of marriage, Miss Sherwood, but one never knows. Men have been known to make fools of themselves over a pretty face before. And being brought up at Standish Court is certainly a recommendation.”

Diana had not exactly been brought up at Standish Court, but no one corrected her.

“So you will give the Sherwoods vouchers to Almack’s, Sally?” Lady Standish asked.

“I could hardly refuse you, Amelia, now could I? We have been friends for too long. Yes, I will give the Sherwoods vouchers for Almack’s.”

Lady Standish was jubilant as they got into the coach outside Lady Jersey’s house. “You probably don’t appreciate how important this is, Diana, but it is tremendously important. Once you have been given the approval of the patronesses of Almack’s, then all of society is open to you.”

“It will be such fun, Diana,” Sally enthused.

“Yes,” Diana said. “I’m sure it will be.” But she wasn’t sure at all anymore.

The ladies stopped at Hookam’s Library to pick up some books to read before they returned to Grosvenor Square. Diana immediately went up to her room, looked around for her dog and remembered that he had been left at home. She went to the chair by the fireplace, sat down and cried.

“Oh, Freddie, how could I have left you at home? I miss you so much.” Diana’s spaniel had been the runt of the litter, and the earl had given him to her when nobody else wanted him.

But everyone had told her that he would be better in the country, that there was no place for him to run free in London, that she would be too busy to even miss him.

But she did miss him. She needed him now, needed his unconditional, adoring love. “No one will ever love me like you do, Freddie,” she sniffled into her handkerchief.

I wish we were all young again. I wish it was like it was before Alex left to go into the army. I was so happy then. Will I ever be happy like that again?

It seemed to her that she had never truly been happy since Alex had left; but now that he was back, she felt even worse, knowing that she could never be that way with him again.

I have to put Alex behind me, she thought. I have to look ahead. Surely there is some man who can make me happy, who will be able to give me the stable home that I need so badly.

A knock came upon her door. “Diana?” Sally’s voice called. “May I come in?”

“Just a moment,” Diana said, as she scrubbed at the tears on her face. She took a deep breath before she bade her friend to enter her room.

At dinner that evening, Alex said, “Would you like to take the horses for a gallop in the park tomorrow morning, Dee?”

Her whole face lit up. “I should love to.”

“What horse will you be riding?” Mrs. Sherwood asked a little nervously.

“Monty,” Diana said.

Mrs. Sherwood looked at Alex. “Has Monty ever been out of the country? You have to walk through the streets of London before you get to the park.”

“I’ll look after Dee, Cousin Louisa,” Alex said.

“How about Bart?” Diana asked. “Is he accustomed to traffic?”

“Bart’s accustomed to bullets firing all around him,” Alex returned. “I think he can handle the London streets.”

Mrs. Sherwood looked worried, but she didn’t say anything else.

It was seven in the morning when Diana, dressed in her old riding habit, went out to the stables to meet Alex. He was wearing a russet-colored riding coat and brown leather breeches—country clothes. The air was cool, with a slight wind blowing. Their two horses were standing on the cobblestones of the stable yard, all saddled and ready to go.

Diana felt as if a weight had lifted from her chest. She was going to ride again. Everything always looked better to her from the back of a horse. She actually grinned at Alex. “I hope you know how to get to the park, because I certainly don’t.”

“I drove you there the other day, remember?”

“Oh, that’s right. Well, shall we get started?”

“I’ll give you a leg up,” he said, cupping his hands so she could put her foot into his gloved brace. In a moment she was in the sidesaddle, crooking her leg around the horn and gathering the reins into her competent hands.

It was a short walk from Grosvenor Square to the Cumberland Gate entrance to Hyde Park, but London was amazingly busy for such an early hour.

Wagons piled high with fruits and vegetables lumbered through town on their way to the Covent Garden market; fishmongers carried their purchases from the wharves to their various shops; and haunches of freshly slaughtered animals bled through the bottoms of wicker baskets as they were driven by cart to the butcher shops. The large number of people who lived in London had to be fed, and this was the hour at which their food was moved.

Monty sidled a little at all the traffic and threw his head about, but Diana spoke soothingly to him. He had been on the roads at home, of course, but not very frequently. Mostly Diana had ridden him through the many wide and well-kept rides that cut through Standish Park.

As they crossed the main street to get into the park, a particularly noisy wagon came along and Monty bucked in protest.

“Are you all right?” Alex asked as Diana urged Monty forward, away from the noise.

“We’re fine,” she answered calmly. “He’s just a bit worried by these new surroundings.”

They entered into the welcome greenness of the park and when they reached the path along the lake, Diana was delighted to see that it was empty.

“Marvelous,” she said. “No one’s here.”

“How about a good gallop to wake them up?” Alex asked.

She was gone before he finished his question.

He caught her up in a moment, and the two horses thundered along, side-by-side, under the greening oaks. To Diana, it felt glorious. The feel of Monty under her was so familiar, and it was familiar, too, to look out of the side of her eye and see Alex galloping beside her. They had always ridden out early; both of them liked the fresh morning air.

When Diana felt Monty start to slow, she sat back a little and let him come down to a canter. Alex did the same. From the canter they dropped to a trot, then to a walk. They looked at each other and smiled.

“That felt grand,” Diana said.

He nodded. “It’s been a long time since we rode together, Dee.”

Some of her good mood vanished. Whose fault was that? she thought.

Alex patted the neck of his big black horse. “Damn, but I love this horse,” he said.

Diana regarded Bart. “He’s splendid,” she agreed. “I imagine a cavalryman becomes very attached to his horse.”

“They can be the difference between life and death to a man sometimes.” His black hair had tumbled forward over his forehead and his light blue eyes were serious.

He looked the same as when he left, yet he also looked different. He was bigger now; his shoulders were wider, his chest broader and there were strong muscles under the tight-fitting riding breeches that he wore. He had gone away a boy and come back a man.

She heard herself saying, “I’m nervous about being introduced into London society.”

“You shouldn’t be,” he replied. “You’re under the wing of my mother. Everything should go very smoothly for you.”

She confided her deepest fear. “We’re going to Almack’s tonight. What if no one dances with me?”

“Don’t worry about that,” he assured her. “Haven’t men wanted to dance with you all your life?”

“But that was in the country, where people knew me.”

“Believe me, I don’t think you’ll have any problem, but if you do I’ll round up some men to dance with you. Don’t worry, you won’t be left sitting with the chaperones.”

She gave him a smile. “Thank you, Alex. It’s just…I never expected to feel so out of my depth.” Tears stung behind her eyes. “And I miss Freddie. I should never have left him home.”

“I can send for him if it’s that important to you.”

Her face lit to radiance. “Can you? Would that not be too much trouble?”

“Not at all. I’ll send the curricle for him. We’ll have him here in London for you in no time.”

“It won’t be too confining for him, will it? I can walk him in the park every day.”

“He’ll be fine. The horses are more cooped up than they’re accustomed to as well. That’s why it’s good for us to get them out in the morning for a gallop.”

She nodded.

His voice deepened. “For how many years have the two of us ridden together in the morning, Dee?”

“Ever since we were children.” Her voice hardened. “Until you went away.”

They were walking side-by-side on a loose rein, the horses’ heads swinging comfortably as they went along. A slight breeze ruffled the hair on Alex’s forehead. “I had to go, Dee,” he said earnestly. “I know you don’t understand, and I know I can’t really expect you to forgive me, but it was just something in me that I couldn’t deny. I needed to go. I had wanted to be a soldier for all of my life, and then my father finally agreed…I just couldn’t pass up the chance.”

“Yes,” she said tightly. “You made your choice, Alex. I understood that very well.”

“I didn’t mean to leave you forever. I told you I would come back when the war was over. I told you I would marry you.”

She stared straight ahead, between Monty’s small, pointed ears. “You could have come back in a wooden box, like my father. What good would that have been to me?”

“I wouldn’t have been much good to you with my heart always someplace else. You knew that. That’s why you told me to go.”

She turned to look at him. “Was it as glorious as you thought it was going to be, Alex? Did you love being a soldier?”

She thought she saw a shadow pass over his face. “I wouldn’t exactly call it glorious,” he said. She could hear that he was trying to speak lightly. “It was a pretty dirty job at times. But it was a good cause, and we were successful. What happened in the Peninsula had a lot to do with Napoleon’s downfall.”

It sounded to Diana as if Alex had not been as thrilled with life as a soldier as he had expected to be. Perversely, this made her glad.

“I expect being in a battle wasn’t much fun,” she said.

“No.” His voice was clipped.

They walked in silence for a while. Then Alex turned to her. “Dee, is it really too late for us? Can’t we start over again? I know you have a right to be angry with me. But I love you. I have always loved you. I don’t want you to marry another man, I want you to marry me. Will you at least consider that?”

She returned his look, her brown eyes grave in her exquisite face. “It’s too late,” she said. “The feelings I had for you are gone.”

His mouth set in a grim line. “I don’t believe that. I can’t believe it.”

A bird flew close to Monty’s head and he sidled a little. “It’s true,” she lied. “Something in me died when you left, Alex. For a long time I was very angry with you, but now that you’re back even my anger is gone. We’re finished. That’s all there is to it. I’m sorry.”

He said, “Get off that horse and kiss me, Dee, and then tell me you have no feelings left for me.”

She raised her chin and stared ahead. “I have no intention of kissing you! You lost your rights to my kisses a long time ago.” She fought to compose herself. “We might start to trot. The horses have caught their breath.”

She started Monty going briskly forward, eager to end their conversation. After a moment, Alex followed.