Читать книгу To The Castle - Joan Wolf - Страница 8

Supper was served for the entire household in the Great Hall. Trestle tables had been set up in the main body of the hall with the high table set close to the fireplace, where in winter it was warmest. At the high table sat the lord and lady of the house, Nell, Lady Alida, Father Clement, the chaplain, and Martin Demas, who was the steward of Bardney Castle. Two squires stood behind the table to serve the great folk dining there.

Nell looked at the roast venison that was reposing upon her trencher of fine white bread and felt her stomach heave. She was far too upset to eat. Her mouth felt dry so she took a small sip of wine. She looked enviously at the lesser folk sitting at the trestle tables who were being served ale.

“Eat something,” her aunt Alida said. “The food is good at Bardney. You should enjoy it.”

Aunt Alida looked as if she enjoyed the food. She was a small plump woman who reminded Nell of a pigeon. Alida had been one of too many girls and her family hadn’t known what to do with her until Alice had said she could come and live with her.

It was not always easy these days for a noble family to find a suitable match for a daughter. Because of the Norman custom that decreed that all of a family’s holdings be passed down to the eldest son, it was only the eldest son in a family who was eligible to marry. Penniless younger sons usually remained bachelors. This left a limited number of potential husbands for the daughters of the nobility, and competition was fierce. There had been several girls in Nell’s convent whose families had not been able to give them a good enough dowry to purchase a husband.

Alida had been fortunate to have a sister who had married well enough to be able to offer her a home. Nell had only a dim memory of Alida from the time that she had lived at home, but her aunt’s smile was friendly and she smiled back.

“I’m just not very hungry, I’m afraid,” she said. “Too much has happened in the last few days. My stomach’s all in a whirl.”

Her mother turned to her. “Aren’t you eating, Nell?”

Nell took a bite of venison and forced it down. “I’m eating, Mama.”

Alice spoke to her sister across Nell. “Do you really think we can alter Sybilla’s clothes to fit Nell? It isn’t just the length that will have to come up; they will have to be taken in all over.”

“We can do it,” Alida replied. “We’ll get started on it right away.”

“We’ll have to,” Alice said. “She has to have something to wear besides this black robe.”

Alida patted Nell on the arm. “Don’t you worry. You’re a pretty girl and we’ll soon have you fitted out properly.”

I hope not, Nell thought. She turned to her mother. “Mama,” she said, “don’t forget to talk to my father about my going back to St. Cecelia’s.”

Alice looked exasperated. “I told you I would talk to him and I will—in good time.”

“Talk about what?” Alida asked her sister with all the confidence of a close companion.

“Nell wants to go back to the convent to say goodbye to the sisters,” Alice said.

Alida nodded approvingly. “And so she should. It is the mannerly thing to do.”

Nell gave her aunt a tremulous smile of gratitude.

Nell waited all through dinner for her mother to have a chance to talk to her father, but he was deep in conversation with Martin Demas and didn’t look at his wife. Finally, when the main dishes had been removed and the sweet was being served, he turned to the three women who sat to his right.

“Did you enjoy your food, Nell?” he asked.

“Yes, Father, I did,” Nell lied.

“Good. I imagine you did not dine like this in the convent.”

“No, Father.”

“My lord,” Alice began, “Nell wishes to return to the convent so she may say goodbye to the nuns. I think it would be the mannerly thing for her to do—after all, she resided there for nine years.”

He frowned and Nell held her breath.

“I don’t think it’s necessary,” he said.

“Not necessary, but mannerly,” Lady Alice said.

His frown smoothed out. “Oh, all right. I suppose I can spare a few knights to take her.” He spoke briefly with Martin Demas, then turned back to Nell. “All right,” he said, returning his gaze to the women. “You might as well go tomorrow and get it over with. I can send five men with you.”

“Surely I don’t need five men, Father,” Nell said.

“Yes, you do,” he returned. “The country is teetering on the brink of civil war and lawless men are taking advantage of the unsettled state of affairs.” He looked at her grimly. “You are all I have left to me, Nell. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

For the briefest of moments pain flashed in her father’s dark blue eyes, then it was gone. Nell felt a stab of guilt that she was working to circumvent him.

After dinner was over, the servants began the work of taking up the trestle tables and storing them against one wall of the Great Hall. They left a few benches in front of the fire and a number of knights gravitated to them and sat down. Someone took out a pair of dice. The earl went to join his men by the fire and Alice said to her sister, “Let us go upstairs to the solar. I have no heart for company tonight.”

Nell followed her mother and her aunt up the stairs to the living room used solely by the family, her mind forming thoughts of what she would say to Mother Superior when she saw her on the morrow. Surely Mother Superior would be on her side. She had always liked Nell. She prayed she would tell her father that it was God’s will that Nell remain in the convent.

It was late in the afternoon when Nell and her retinue arrived at the gatehouse of the Convent of St. Cecelia. The portress greeted Nell, then summoned grooms to take the horses.

The stones of the convent buildings looked so familiar to Nell, so comforting. There was the church, where the nuns heard mass from behind a beautifully carved screen; there was Mother Superior’s house; there was the main residence where Nell had lived along with the nuns and the rest of the novices; and there was the guesthouse, where the Bardney knights would spend the night. Unseen from the courtyard was the herb garden, where Nell had spent so many happy hours learning from the convent’s healer, Sister Helen.

Sister Helen had been like a mother to her. How could she bear to leave her?

Nell pointed out the guesthouse to the knights and told them to make themselves comfortable. Then she crossed the courtyard in the direction of Mother Superior’s tall, narrow, stone house. Her heart was thudding.

A lay sister answered Nell’s knock. Nell asked a little breathlessly, “Will you be so kind as to tell Mother that I wish to see her?”

“Of course,” the lay sister replied and disappeared up the stairs. She returned a few minutes later and told Nell that Mother Superior would receive her in her sitting room. By now Nell’s heart was hammering and she drew a deep breath to steady herself before she went up the stairs.

St. Cecelia’s was a well-endowed convent and the Mother Superior could have afforded a decent degree of luxury, but Mother Margaret de Ligne made do with only the bare essentials: several carved wooden chairs, two chests and a wall hanging depicting St. George on a white horse. The stone floor was bare of rushes.

Mother Margaret herself was almost as austere-looking as the room she sat in, but her face softened as Nell came in. “So,” she said. “You have returned from burying your sister.”

“Yes, Mother. And something has happened that I must discuss with you.”

“Come and sit down,” Mother Margaret said. “How are your mother and your father? Such a terrible thing for them, to lose your sister at so young an age. I am praying for them.”

“Thank you, Mother,” Nell replied.

“I see you are not wearing your wimple.”

Nell clutched her hands tightly together in her lap. “My mother made me take it off. Mother, something terrible has happened. My father has said that I can’t remain at the convent, that I must stay at home and take Sybilla’s place!”

There was a little silence, then Mother Margaret said softly, “I thought this might happen.”

Nell stared at her in shocked surprise.

Mother Margaret went on. “Your father is a very important man, Nell. He owns extensive lands, castles and manors. He has lost a son and a daughter and he needs an heir to carry on the family’s holdings and its bloodline. So I am not surprised that he wants you to come home.”

Nell found her voice. “But I was dedicated to God, Mother! Surely I ought not turn my back upon Him!”

Mother Margaret said gently, “When you were dedicated, your father had a son and another daughter. Now he has only you.”

Nell was stunned. Mother was sounding as if she approved of this change in Nell’s status! She said tensely, “I was hoping that you would speak to my father. I was hoping you would tell him that the ways of God come before the ways of men.”

Mother Margaret leaned a little forward. “My dear child,” she said. “we will miss you very much. You have given much joy to this convent. But you must obey your father, Nell. The Commandments tell us, honor thy father and thy mother.”

Nell felt betrayed. She had been so sure that Mother Superior would fight for her. “If you could just talk to him, perhaps he will change his mind,” she pleaded.

Mother Margaret shook her head decisively. Her light blue eyes held sympathy for Nell, but her words were adamant. “I will not interfere. You can continue to serve God, no matter what your station in life, Nell. You will be in a high position, a position where you can affect many lives—many more lives than you would affect in this convent. Perhaps God has had this plan for you all along. You learned here how to be a religious woman. Now it is time for you to take what you have learned and apply it to the life you will lead as mistress of many people.”

“But I don’t want to leave here,” Nell cried in deep distress. “I have been happy here!”

Mother folded her hands in her lap. “I am glad about that, but now your duty lies elsewhere, Nell. Your family needs you more than we do.”

There was a little silence. Nell hunched her shoulders and stared into her lap. “I thought you would take my side.”

“Look at me,” Mother Superior said.

Reluctantly, Nell lifted her eyes.

“Your job will be to work good in the world,” Mother said.

“That is a much harder task than praying from within the shelter of a convent, but I’m sure you’re equal to it.”

No, I’m not, Nell thought. I don’t want to go into the world.

Mother Superior continued. “One thing you can do is bring healing to those who need it. Sister Helen tells me that you are almost as accomplished an herb woman as she is. We have Sister Helen—we don’t need another healer. But many people in the world need the skill you have, Nell. That will be something you can do for God.”

Nell stared into Mother’s light eyes. She truly thought that Nell should go. She’s wrong, Nell thought rebelliously. I’m sure God wants me to stay here.

“Be a good daughter to your parents,” Mother Superior said. “They have need of you now.”

Nell’s chin set stubbornly and she did not answer. Mother Margaret stood up and Nell followed. Mother Margaret was half a head taller than the girl. “I am sure you will want to say goodbye to all your friends. Come, have dinner with us in the refectory and I will relax the order for silence so you may converse.”

There was nothing more that Nell could say. Mother Margaret’s mind was clearly made up. Tears stung behind Nell’s eyes. She was going to have to leave the convent.

Mother Superior said, “I am sure you will want to give your news to Sister Helen. I believe at this hour she is in the herb garden. Go and find her.”

“Thank you, Mother.” Nell pushed the words through the choking feeling in her throat.

She went back down the stairs and let herself out through the thick wooden door. This is terrible, she thought in panic as she crossed the courtyard and took the path that led between the convent and the squat storage building. How can I bear to leave here? How can I bear to leave Sister Helen?

The path descended gently to the convent’s large kitchen garden. At the far end of the garden was a fenced-off area and a small hut with smoke coming out of the smoke hole. Nell crossed the kitchen garden, went through the fence and into the hut.

A nun was standing with her back to the door, watching a glass pot as it cooked on a small stove. At the sight of the familiar figure, tears flooded Nell’s eyes.

“Sister Helen,” she said.

The nun turned. “Nell! You’re back. How are you? How are your parents?” She left the burner and came to stand beside Nell and look into her face.

Sister Helen was small, like Nell, and their eyes met easily. Nell looked into the pretty, unlined face of the person she loved best in the world and felt her stomach clench. The tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Oh, Sister Helen,” she cried. “Something terrible has happened. My father has said I must leave the convent and go to live with him and my mother. They want me to take my sister’s place!”

There was a moment of silence. The mixture of herbs gave off a pungent smell that filled the hut.

“Oh, my dear,” Sister Helen said, her voice full of aching sympathy.

Nell’s sobs broke loose. “I asked Mother Margaret to intercede with my father, but she won’t! She says I must obey my parents and leave the convent.”

Sister Helen took Nell’s hands into her own small work-worn ones. She spoke soberly, “Mother Margaret has no say in your future, Nell. You are the daughter of a powerful man. If the earl wants you home, then home you must go.”

“But he gave me away!” Nell cried through her tears. “He and my mother. They didn’t want me, Sister Helen. They still don’t want me. They need a daughter, that’s all. It isn’t fair that my life should be turned upside down because they have changed their minds.”

Nell flung herself forward and Sister Helen’s arms closed around her. There was a long silence where the only sounds were the pot boiling on the burner and Nell crying. Then Sister Helen said quietly, “Listen to me, Nell. It may very well be that God has other plans for you than the convent. You will join the world of the great. You may be in a position to do much good. Perhaps that is God’s plan for you.”

Nell said into her shoulder, “That is what Mother Margaret said. But I don’t think it’s true. I think I was meant to be a nun.”

Sister Helen patted Nell’s back between her shoulder blades. “I think you should listen to Mother. She is a very wise woman, Nell.”

“I don’t want to leave you!” Nell cried passionately. “You have always been my best friend. You have been more my mother than my real mother ever was.”

Sister Helen put her hands on Nell’s shoulders and held her away. She looked into her streaming eyes. “God knows, I will miss you very much. Very much. But we must bow to His will, my dear. That is what we are put on this earth to do.”

“It is the will of my father,” Nell retorted through her tears. “I’m not so sure it is the will of God.”

Sister Helen tightened her grasp on Nell’s shoulders. “Listen to me, Nell. I know this is hard for you. Your life is going to be very different from the life you have known. But it’s important that you feel you are doing God’s work in your new life. It is easy to be religious in the convent—much harder in the world. But that is now your calling and you must embrace it, however hard it may be. Are you listening to me?”

Nell said in a trembling voice, “I am listening, Sister.”

“Good. Take pity on your father instead of blaming him. He is a man who has lost two children. And your mother, too. Show yourself to be a good daughter to them—they need you now.”

They never needed me before.

“Have you heard me, Nell?” Sister Helen asked gently.

Nell tried hard to stop crying. “I heard you, Sister. But I still think this is the wrong thing to do.”

“It is important that you make the best of the life that has been chosen for you,” Sister Helen said soberly. “Promise me you will think about what Mother Margaret and I have said.”

Nell didn’t answer.

“Nell?”

“I promise,” Nell said in a low voice.

Sister Helen squeezed Nell’s shoulders then dropped her hands. “I will miss you,” she said painfully.

“Oh, and I will miss you!”

At that, Sister Helen held out her arms once again and Nell went into them. Sister Helen held her tight. Nell could smell the faint aroma of herbs that always clung to Sister Helen’s clothes. “Can I come and visit you?” she asked.

“You will always be welcome.”

Finally Sister Helen relaxed her arms and Nell stepped back. The nun said briskly, “It is time for dinner. Let me take this pot off the fire and we can go up to the refectory.”

Nell sniffed and nodded and waited while Sister Helen turned off the stove and removed the pot. Then the two women walked up the hill together.