Читать книгу A Woman Involved - John Davis Gordon - Страница 13

And oh he was in love!

They walked out into the dappled sunshine of the garden, walking on air, out onto the long white beach, oh so happy. He wanted to remember every detail, each step beside her, each glance, each laugh, each word; they talked constantly, laughy, seriously, urgently, and he wanted to throw his arms wide to the sky and rejoice – He was here, back in paradise, and she was with him, just like in the dreams! And he knew with absolute certainty that it was nonsense that he was never going to see her again – she was his and this was just the beginning! And he wanted to fling his arms around her and laugh into her beautiful face that this business of her Catholic vows was absolute nonsense because she was going to be married to him every day for the rest of her beautiful life! She said, pacing along beside him, her hands locked behind her back:

‘I went to one of the best psychiatrists in New York. I said to him: I only want to ask you one question: “What does it mean when you keep dreaming repeatedly about one man?” And he said to me: “Tell me about him?”‘ She shot him a laughing glance. ‘So I told him. And he said: “Well, clear as day, you’re in love with this paragon of virtue. Describe these dreams,” he said. So I did. And do you know what he said?’

‘What?’ He was grinning.

‘He said: Correction: You don’t love this man – you’re obsessed by him!’ She flung her arms wide: ‘Obsessed!’

And Morgan laughed and made to grab her and she skipped aside: ‘And I said, “So what the hell does one do about such an obsession, Doctor?”’ She was walking backwards in front of him: ‘He said: “It depends on how you look at it, Mrs Hapsburg … To sensible people it is just a romantic memory which they get into perspective … ”’

And he tried to grab her again. ‘But to other lucky people?’

‘“To other unlucky people – it seems better than real life! Because it is unspoilt by life. But they’re unlucky because dreams never come true and if they’re not careful it can screw up their lives” –’

‘But ours are going to come true!’

She walked backwards in front of him, the laughter suddenly gone out of her eyes.

‘No, darling Jack. Please believe me. But, yes, we are lucky, because we can cherish our dreams – they will stay with us forever …’

And he wanted to laugh and holler, ‘Bullshit, Anna Valentine! …’

She shook her head firmly as she paced beside him.

‘Please don’t ask me that. I want to talk about you.’

He said, ‘I have a right to know.’

‘Do you? For better or worse, Jack. That’s what the preacher-man said.’

He knew it was nonsense. ‘You also made a vow to me.’

‘Yes, I did. And I’m truly sorry.’

‘Because you still love me,’ he said.

She looked at the horizon, her hands clasped behind her back. ‘You are entitled only to know what happened five years ago.’

This was very important information but he cared about Now, not five years ago. She breathed deep and said:

‘I was a coward …’ She paced, formulating it. ‘You were so clever. So well-read, and … learned. And so damn … funny. You had done so much with your life. And we had such an intense, crazy time together. It seemed as if I had packed everything I had ever learned, and felt, into those three glorious months. All my worldly experience had been paraded and brought into service. And so when you were gone back to sea, and all the chips were down, and the pressure was mounting … I became afraid that when you came back you’d find that you’d burnt me out. That I had nothing new to offer you – that I wasn’t the soulmate you’d thought I was … And then you wouldn’t love me any more.’

Morgan was truly amazed. And he did not believe her. She was one of the strongest-willed persons he had known. And she had spoken as if rehearsed. And as for him being more learned than her – they had had countless discussions about everything under the sun.

‘Bullshit, Anna.’

She said resolutely: ‘And Max didn’t demand anything like that from me, you see. And I had known him for years – I was safe with Max. He’s very clever but he was no intellectual.’

He did not believe for one moment that she would have married Max or anybody for those reasons. Something else had happened. ‘Nor was I an intellectual.’

She insisted, ‘You were. Master of Science. Only twenty-nine years old and already second-in-command of one of Her Majesty’s submarines! Oh, that was a pretty tough act for poor Max to follow.’ She half-laughed. ‘And when I wrote and told him I was in love with you, he had the nerve to write back and say that it would not last because submariners are notoriously dull people.’

He knew she was trying to get away from the question. ‘Well, maybe he was right.’

‘Dull? God, anything but dull! You were the funniest man alive! You made me laugh! And all that derring-do submarine stuff?’ She smiled, and her eyes smarted a moment. ‘Even Dad slapped Max down on that one. Dad didn’t want me to marry you, either, but he said to Max: “I’ll have you know that every submariner is an extremely likeable and absolutely first-class fella! He has to be – you can’t afford to have a dislikeable man on a dangerous job like that!”’

He laughed. He knew that she had not told him the truth, that something else had happened to stop her marrying him, but right now he did not care. He was happy.

She sat on the rocks, hugging her knees, her smoky-blue eyes feasting on him. He said:

‘That was the first thing you ever asked me. Between limbo dances and morbid interest in my soul. You see, all your crew are experts at their different jobs. And you rely on them completely, and you do your own job. It’s a matter of complete mutual trust.’

She asked: ‘Are you still a Christian, Jack?’

He smiled. ‘Of sorts. Thanks to you and Saint Thomas. In that order.’

She smiled. ‘But a Catholic?’

‘Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, you can’t expect too much of us. I still live in fear secretly. It’s the only way I know how.’

‘Do you pray?’

‘I have a crack at it once a day.’ He added: ‘I don’t think I sound very convincing.’

She grinned. ‘But why do you live in secret fear?’

‘The Jesuits say, Give me a child till age seven, and you’ve got him for life.’

‘But you weren’t brought up by Jesuits.’

‘My father was.’

She smiled and got back to her original question. ‘But now that you’re the commander of the submarine, all that responsibility for this multi-multi-million-pound machine. So huge, in that dark, hostile environment – sailing blind … How do you feel?’

He said: ‘I still rely completely on my crew. And our equipment is so very sophisticated. I know exactly where we are. I know the depth to the ocean bed, my charts and radar tell me what obstacles lie ahead, the contours of the sea bed, even if there’s a shoal of fish. Our nuclear fuel and oxygen will keep us going for months. And it’s always calm down there, even if there’re mountainous waves on the surface. It’s really very safe.’

She sighed, unconvinced. ‘And what about the Special Boat Service you’re in?’

He was surprised again that she knew.

‘I was never in the Special Boat Service. Max’s detective got that one wrong. The Special Boat boys are far too hot-shot for me. They’re the crack underwater warriors, Navy’s equivalent to the SAS. But they sometimes work in conjunction with submarines, and a couple of years ago I was made Submarine Liaison Officer for a year, at Poole, where the Special Boat Service has its headquarters. Submarine Liaison Officer is a boring desk job, nothing to do most of the time. So I asked if I could join in some of the training the Special Boat boys do, for the hell of it. My admiral thought it was a good idea. But I wasn’t much good. I’m a submariner, not a commando.’

She looked unconvinced. ‘What did you learn?’

‘Oh, some parachuting. Water jumps. Then some ground jumps. Then a few night jumps.’ He shook his head. ‘I got my little certificates, but I didn’t like it, I’m scared of heights.’

She smiled. ‘Then what?’

‘Then I went back to Lympstone, where I’d done my basic training years ago. I joined in some commando courses with the SBS boys. Assault courses. Unarmed combat. Weaponry. That was good fun.’

‘Then what?’

‘That’s it. I applied to learn to fly, but they thought that was a bit extravagant for a submariner. So I tried to take my private pilot’s licence, at my own expense. I got halfway through, but had to go back to sea before I finished.’

‘What a pity. Will you finish it?’

‘Yes, but only because I don’t like leaving jobs half-done. I don’t like flying.’

‘Oh, I love it. I’ve got my private pilot’s licence, now.’

He was impressed. ‘Have you?’

‘Max has a plane. A Cessna. I decided to do it, and it’s great fun. However – what else did you learn?’

‘That’s it. My year ashore was up and I went back to my nice safe submarine.’

She smiled. ‘Safe, huh? And what are your submarines doing for their living?’

‘Defence patrols. Shadowing Russian fleets. And shadowing Russian submarines that are shadowing NATO fleets.’

‘And isn’t there a Russian submarine shadowing you?’

‘Yes, but there’s usually another of our submarines shadowing him.’

‘And if there’s a war you all bang torpedoes into each other?’

‘Ah, war,’ he said. ‘Well, we’re all afraid of war, that’s why we’re all shadowing each other, to prevent it.’

She said, ‘Were you in the Falklands War?’

‘Yes, my sub was down there.’

She sighed deeply. ‘I thought you were. Was it you who sank the Belgrano?’

He grinned. ‘No.’

‘And? Were you afraid?’

‘At times. It was the first time I’d gone to war, you see.’ He added: ‘Not that I saw much of it, from down there.’

She sighed deeply. ‘Oh God, war … What a terrible way to die, deep under the hostile ocean, the water pouring in. At least in ordinary ships you have lifeboats.’ She sighed again. ‘You know, I’ve said a prayer for you every night for five years.’

‘Have you? …’ And oh, he was so happy, and he knew with absolute certainty that she was going to be his.

She walked beside him, her hands clasped behind her back.

‘Very well. I’ll try. What do you want to know?’

He said: ‘Why did he put you through that ordeal with the dolphins?’

She paced. She did not want to talk about it.

‘We’d had another row. He did it to punish me.’

‘Jesus. What a terrible thing to do. What about?’

‘Never mind.’

‘You were very courageous.’

‘Not really. I didn’t have time to think, I just thought I had to do it, to save the others. I was stupid. I should have realized he wouldn’t send me back if they were sharks.’

‘But he sent you back knowing you were terrified. And so? Have you forgiven him?’

She said: ‘I understand him.’

‘What is your understanding?’

She took a breath.

‘In some ways he is insecure. In other ways he is a charming, mature, brilliant man. It is the insecure man who has the tantrums. Who sent me back into the water.’

‘Has he done similar things to you?’

‘Please, Jack. I’m only talking about the dolphin incident because Janet told you.’

He let it go, for the time being.

‘And does Max love you?’

‘Oh, yes. Of that I have no doubt.’

‘Or just want to possess you?’

‘Both. No doubt. But he certainly loves me, in his demanding way.’ She added: ‘He’s always had everything his own way, you see. Complete success. School. Business. High-finance. Everything. You were the only one who ever stood in his way for long.’

‘For long? Only for six months. Five years ago. Why is he still insecure?’

She said firmly: ‘It’s a long story, Jack. And I don’t want to tell it.’

He frowned. ‘Are you saying he’s impotent?’

‘He’s certainly not that. But we haven’t made love for years.’

He wanted to say For God’s sake, don’t live like this any more! – come live with me! ‘And? Do you love him?’

‘I married him for better or worse.’

He did not believe this determined Catholic loyalty. There was some other reason why she stayed with him. She said, getting away from the question:

‘God, he’s a clever man with money. I’ve never known him to lose on a deal. Before the revolution, the old government relied on him enormously. He could have been Minister of Finance if he’d wanted, despite his youth and white skin. But he saw the New Jewel revolution coming. He sold everything he owned in Grenada. And now the revolutionary government also relies on him. His know-how. Or the Prime Minister does, Maurice Bishop. And the banks rely on him. The overseas banks and the International Monetary Fund.’

‘But how does he reconcile his wealth with being a socialist? He’s a hot-shot capitalist.’

She smiled. ‘Ah, but we socialists want everybody to be wealthy – with the people owning the means of production.’ She added, more seriously; ‘He’s not a socialist. But he’s an economist. If the government wants to be socialist, he’ll help them run their economy efficiently.’ She added defensively, ‘It’s a perfectly moral attitude. The old government was corrupt. The revolution here is a fait accompli. He wants to stay here. He can help.’

Morgan said: ‘There seems to be a big Cuban influence here. I saw them at the airport. What does Max think about that?’

‘Russian influence too. They’re building a big new airport.’ She sighed. ‘Max is a moderating influence. He’s persuading the Prime Minister to mend some of his fences with America.’

He said: ‘And you? You’re still a socialist?’

She looked at the sand as she walked.

‘Yes. Though I’m a bit more practical than when you knew me. I certainly don’t like what this government has done – nor what the communists are doing worldwide. But, yes, I want to see the wealth spread down to the workers who create it. Not stay in the hands of the fat shareholders who pay miserable wages. And, as far as I can see, the only way to achieve that, in cases where capitalism is entrenched and unfair, is for the workers’ government to take over and own the source of wealth.’ She smiled sadly. ‘We had many an argument about this at university, didn’t we? So now can we talk about you? …’

The sun was getting low. They lay under the palms, a yard apart; she traced a pattern in the sand while he said:

‘We were cruising happily up the Channel, back to Plymouth. We were going to dock before sunset. Your telegram was handed to me. And …’ He shook his head, half-smiling: ‘I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t believe it … I thought maybe it was some kind of bad practical joke from my mates ashore. Then I believed it – but I still didn’t. I had to concentrate on my job, and I kept thinking I was still marrying you in three days’ time.’ He smiled, because it didn’t matter now, everything was wonderful again now. ‘Anyway, we slogged on up the Channel. It seemed the longest passage of my life. I was bursting to get off the boat and go charging up the jetty to leap on the next aeroplane to Grenada.’

She closed her eyes. ‘Oh, why didn’t you? …’

He was happy. ‘Your telegram said: “Marrying Max tomorrow.” It was dated the day before.’

Her eyes were moist. ‘I didn’t marry him until several days later … But you wouldn’t have found me, anyway. I was in Las Vegas. He persuaded me to get the hell off the island. He was scared you’d show up. But …’ She breathed deep: ‘I couldn’t marry him for days.’ She shook her head. ‘Oh, I was in such a mess. Each day he wanted to drag me off to one of those ghastly wedding chapels. But I couldn’t, because I was still in a nightmare about you. Oh my, you don’t know how many times I nearly jumped on a plane and went screaming over to England.’

He sighed. ‘Why didn’t you?’

‘I was in a much worse way than you because I was the one who had made all the heavy-duty decisions! I had taken it unto myself to change the course of the universe – I had been through all that agony of decision to turn my back on my knight in shining armour! …’ She laughed tearfully: ‘You only had to accept the decision without pranging the submarine!’

Morgan grinned. She smiled wanly. ‘I did kind of love Max. I was in love with you but I loved him. I had known him for years, he was part of the establishment. And he adored me. But you? … Oh my …’ She lay back in the sand and smiled up at the sky. ‘Lieutenant-Commander Jack Morgan, RN, who went down to the sea in ships. So handsome, so brave, so expert, so charming, so sexy, who made me laugh so much, who made me think so much – I was only so in love with you. And the pressure on me was enormous – from my family, and Max. “You hardly know him … You don’t really know what he’s like … ” And I’d have to go and live in rainy England – they really rubbed that in. Leave this lovely island, my whole way of life, and be a Navy wife, alone half the time – you won’t even know where he is because it’s all so bloody secret, you won’t even be able to write to him because he’s underwater, and you won’t even get any letters … And, of course, they said, he’s got no money.’

Morgan smiled. He believed this, but he knew that something else had happened too. But he was too happy to press her. ‘They were right on that one.’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘what a mean little argument that was – and I told them so. Ah, they said, but you’re accustomed to so much, this life here, your trips to Miami and New York and Caracas … I shouted, “He’ll be a goddam admiral soon!’”

Morgan laughed. She smiled at him. ‘Which is true. Oh, but it was an intense war that was waged against you. And it all slowly added up to a terrible doubt growing in my mind.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And you were thousands of miles away, underwater. I couldn’t contact you, to get reassurance, just talk it out with you, explain my fears …’

He reached out and took her hand.

‘Well, now I’ve come to you.’

She looked at him; then two tears welled over her eyelids. ‘Far, far too late …’

He pulled her gently towards him; she watched his mouth as he whispered: ‘It’s never too late to be happy.’

And their mouths touched; and then crushed together; and, oh, the sweet taste and scent of her again, the joy, and he felt her tremble once, and then her arm went around his neck and she kissed him fiercely; then she bit his mouth and twisted out of his arms, and jumped up. She walked away, running her fingers through her hair.

He lay a moment, watching her, the lovely line of her, and oh, he loved her. Then he got up and followed her. They were a hundred yards from the hotel lights. He caught up with her and turned her towards him.

‘Come away with me.’

She looked at him with absolute longing, rigid against him; she started to shake her head, then she closed her eyes and her body went soft against him and she crushed her mouth against his again. And she kissed him and kissed him, as if she wanted to bite him, and he felt the bliss well up, the utter joy, her strong softness and smoothness, her breasts and her belly and her loins pressed against him; then she broke the kiss, and backed off, her face smouldering with emotion and her eyes full of tears.

–I’m going now … And I’m never coming back …’

He took a pace towards her and she stepped backwards. ‘Never coming back!’ She shook her head at him: ‘Do you believe that?’

He felt his eyes burn and he wanted to laugh. ‘No.’

She cried: ‘Never! Believe that! I cannot! I dare not! I’m still a coward, don’t you see? Goodbye, darling Jack! I love you – and goodbye …’

She turned and walked away fast, up the path towards the road, her head up, and the tears running down her face.

He stood in the dusk and watched her; and his heart was singing. Because he knew she was coming back.