Читать книгу Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships - Джон Грей, John Gray - Страница 42
ОглавлениеWhen the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication.
Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn’t start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn’t work they went to a translator for help.
The Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings.
You see, the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. So when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and acceptance that we rarely experience today.
EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION
Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says “I feel like you never listen,” she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual information.
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations.
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are listed, as well as how a man might respond unsupportively.
TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED
WOMEN SAY THINGS LIKE THIS | MEN RESPOND LIKE THIS |
“We never go out.” | “That’s not true. We went out last week.” |
“Everyone ignores me.” | “I’m sure some people notice you.” |
“I am so tired, I can’t do anything.” | “That’s ridiculous. You are not helpless.” |
“I want to forget everything.” | “If you don’t like your job, then quit.” |
“The house is always a mess.” | “It’s not always a mess.” |
“No one listens to me anymore.” | “But I am listening to you right now.” |
“Nothing is working.” | “Are you saying it is my fault?” |
“You don’t love me anymore.” | “Of course I do. That’s why I’m here.” |
We are always in a hurry.” | “We are not. Friday we were relaxed.” |
“I want more romance.” | “Are you saying I am not romantic?” |
You can see how a “literal” translation of a woman’s words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man’s responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: “I don’t feel heard.” Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!
The number one complaint women have in relationships is: “I don’t feel heard.” Even this complaint is misunderstood by men!
A man’s literal translation of “I don’t feel heard” leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a woman saying “I don’t feel heard” so that a man could correctly interpret it is: “I feel as though you don’t fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what I have to say?”
If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard.
Because many men don’t understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner’s feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.
WHEN VENUSIANS TALK
The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond.
You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn’t directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.
In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.
The Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary
“We never go out” translated into Martian means “I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out.”