Читать книгу Plays, written by Sir John Vanbrugh, volume the first - John Vanbrugh - Страница 14

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Enter Lord Foppington and Servant.

Lord Fop. Hey, Fellow, let the Coach come to the Door.

Serv. Will your Lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the Weather?

Lord Fop. Sir, I will venture as soon as I can, to expose myself to the Ladies: tho' give me my Cloke, however; for in that Side-bax, what between the Air that comes in at the Door on one side, and the intolerable Warmth of the Masks on t'other, a Man gets so many Heats and Colds, 'twou'd destroy the Canstitution of a Harse.

Ser. [Putting on his Cloke.] I wish your Lordship wou'd please to keep House a little longer, I'm afraid your Honour does not well consider your Wound.

Lord Fop. My Wound!—--I wou'd not be in Eclipse another Day, tho' I had as many Wounds in my Guts as I have had in my Heart.

Enter Young Fashion.

Young Fash. Brother, your Servant. How do you find yourself to-day?

Lord Fop. So well, that I have arder'd my Coach to the Door: So there's no great Danger of Death this baut, Tam.

Young Fash. I'm very glad of it.

Lord Fop. aside.] That I believe's a Lye. Pr'ythee, Tam, tell me one thing: Did not your Heart cut a Caper up to your Mauth, when you heard I was run thro' the Bady?

Young Fash. Why do you think it shou'd?

Lord Fop. Because I remember mine did so, when I heard my Father was shat thro' the Head?

Young Fash. It then did very ill.

Lord Fop. Pr'ythee, why so?

Young Fash. Because he us'd you very well.

Lord Fop. Well?—naw strike me dumb, he starv'd me. He has let me want a Thausand Women for want of a Thausand Paund.

Young Fash. Then he hindered you from making a great many ill Bargains; for I think no Woman is worth Money, that will take Money.

Lord Fop. If I were a younger Brother, I shou'd think so too.

Young Fash. Why, is it possible you can value a Woman that's to be bought?

Lord Fop. Pr'ythee, why not as well as a Pad-Nag?

Young Fash. Because a Woman has a Heart to dispose of; a Horse has none.

Lord Fop. Look you, Tam, of all things that belang to a Woman, I have an Aversion to her Heart; far when once a Woman has given you her Heart——you can never get rid of the rest of her Bady.

Young Fash. This is strange Doctrine: But pray in your Amours how is it with your own Heart?

Lord Fop. Why, my Heart in my Amours——is like——my Heart aut of my Amours; a la glace. My Bady, Tam, is a Watch; and my Heart is the Pendulum to it; whilst the Finger runs raund to every Hour in the Circle, that still beats the same time.

Young Fash. Then you are seldom much in love?

Lord Fop. Never, Stap my Vitals.

Young Fash. Why then did you make all this Bustle about Amanda?

Lord Fop. Because she was a Woman of an insolent Virtue, and I thought myself piqu'd in Honour to debauch her.

Young Fash. Very well. [Aside.] Here's a rare Fellow for you, to have the spending of Five Thousand Pounds a-year. But now for my Business with him. [To Lord Fop.] Brother, tho' I know to talk of Business (especially of Money) is a Theme not quite so entertaining to you as that of the Ladies, my Necessities are such, I hope you'll have patience to hear me.

Lord Fop. The greatness of your Necessities, Tam, is the worst Argument in the Warld far your being patiently heard. I do believe you are going to make a very good Speech, but, strike me dumb, it has the worst beginning of any Speech I have heard this Twelvemonth.

Young Fash. I'm very sorry you think so.

Lord Fop. I do believe thou art. But come, let's know thy Affair quickly; for 'tis a new Play, and I shall be so rumpled and squeezed with pressing thro' the Crawd, to get to my Servant, the Women will think I have lain all Night in my Clothes.

Young Fash. Why then (that I may not be the Author of so great a Misfortune) my Case in a Word is this: The necessary Expences of my Travels have so much exceeded the wretched Income of my Annuity, that I have been forced to mortgage it for Five Hundred Pounds, which is spent; so that unless you are so kind to assist me in redeeming it, I know no Remedy but to take a Purse.

Lord Fop. Why, Faith, Tam——to give you my Sense of the thing, I do think taking a Purse the best Remedy in the Warld; for if you succeed, you are reliev'd that way; if you are taken——you are reliev'd t'other.

Young Fash. I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a Humour, I hope I shall find the Effects on't.

Lord Fop. Why, do you then really think it a reasonable thing I should give you Five Hundred Paunds?

Young Fash. I do not ask it as a Due, Brother, I am willing to receive it as a Favour.

Lord Fop. Thau art willing to receive it any haw, strike me speechless. But these are damn'd times to give Money in: Taxes are so great, Repairs so exorbitant, Tenants such Rogues, and Perriwigs so dear, that the Devil take me, I'm reduc'd to that extremity in my Cash, I have been farc'd to retrench in that one Article of sweet Pawder, till I have braught it dawn to Five Guineas a Manth. Naw judge, Tam, whether I can spare you Five hundred Paunds?

Young Fash. If you can't, I must starve, that's all, [Aside.] Damn him.

Lord Fop. All I can say is, you should have been a better Husband.

Young Fash. 'Oons, if you can't live upon five thousand a-year, how do you think I should do't upon two hundred?

Lord Fop. Don't be in a Passion, Tam; far Passion is the most unbecoming thing in the Warld——to the Face. Look you, I don't love to say any thing to you to make you melancholy; but upon this occasion I must take leave to put you in mind, that a Running Horse does require more Attendance, than a Coach-Horse. Nature has made some difference 'twixt you and I.

Young Fash. Yes, she has made you older. [Aside.] Pox take her.

Lord Fop. That is nat all. Tam.

Young Fash. Why, what is there else?

Lord Fop. [Looking first upon himself, then upon his Brother.]——Ask the Ladies.

Young Fash. Why, thou Essence Bottle, thou Musk-Cat, dost thou then think thou hast any Advantage over me, but what Fortune has given thee?

Lord Fop. I do——stap my Vitals.

Young Fash. Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the Prince of Coxcombs.

Lord Fop. Sir——I am praud of being at the Head of so prevailing a Party.

Young Fash. Will nothing then provoke thee?—Draw, Coward.

Lord Fop. Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken you for a mighty dull Fellow, and here is one of the foolishest Plats broke out, that I have seen a long time. Your Paverty makes your Life so burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a Quarrel, in hopes either to slip thro' my Lungs into my Estate, or to get yourself run thro' the Guts, to put an end to your Pain. But I will disappoint you in both your Designs; far with the Temper of a Philasapher, and the Discretion of a Statesman—I will go to the Play with my Sword in my Scabbard.

[Exit Lord Fop.

Young Fash. So! Farewel, Snuff-Box. And now, Conscience, I defy thee. Lory!

Enter Lory.

Lo. Sir.

Young Fash. Here's rare News, Lory; his Lordship has given me a Pill has purg'd off all my Scruples.

Lo. Then my Heart's at ease again: For I have been in a lamentable Fright, Sir, ever since your Conscience had the Impudence to intrude into your Company.

Young Fash. Be at peace, it will come there no more: My Brother has given it a wring by the Nose, and I have kick'd it down Stairs. So run away to the Inn; get the Horses ready quickly, and bring them to old Coupler's, without a Moment's Delay.

Lo. Then, Sir, you are going straight about the Fortune.

Young Fash. I am: away; fly, Lory.

Lo. The happiest Day I ever saw. I'm upon the Wing already.

[Exeunt several ways.