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Chapter 2

A flick of my fingers and thumb and it was off again – veering over the desktop in a black-and-white blur.

I watched it, mesmerized, chin in hand: my pen laid aside on the sheaf of Off-Duties; the requests ledger forgotten at my elbow. My turn to do the rosters this month, a chore at the best of times – but this was more than just distraction. The thing had virtually found its own way to my fingers; they’d itched to make it move. There was something morbidly compelling about its inevitable progress: it held my attention like a hook.

It spun like an ordinary top at first; then with the weird, wobbling motion of a gyroscope, leaning out at forty-five degrees for longer than I’d thought was possible. But finally it fell, and rolled, and came to rest in front of me.

The Ace of Spades, of course.

So what game of chance could you possibly play? No matter how you spun it, you’d never beat its bias towards bad luck.

I halfway reached for it again – then changed my mind, and let it lie. It almost felt like a test of my resolve: being able to leave the bloody thing alone. In (and out of) my desk five days already, and I still hadn’t got round to handing it in. No one had rung to enquire, but even so … This afternoon, then, I decided. This time I won’t forget.

Maybe my fingers just needed something to keep them busy; maybe it was nerves. Like when I sometimes caught myself fiddling with the rings on my fingers, or the cross round my neck: an unconscious, edgy reflex.

The sort I knew I’d shown this morning, while I listened to Lucy weep.

It’s not just the relatives who need a quiet cry sometimes; the stress can wear the best of us down. I’ve needed a good, hard hug myself before now. But poor Lucy had more than the workload or the death of a patient on her mind. She’d just lost one of her friends.

Quite horribly.

I hadn’t known the girl myself: she’d worked over on one of the surgical wards, and our paths hadn’t crossed. Anna Stubbs, her name was. And yesterday she’d got into her car, just round by the nurses’ home; turned the ignition – and been burned alive.

No warning: no hope. The car had been a fireball in seconds. We’d known nothing at the time – all sirens sound the same on a busy day – and it wasn’t until I got home and saw the TV that I realised where the commotion had been coming from. There’d been a fleeting clip on South East News: the gutted hulk that had once been a trim Mini Metro. ‘… a tragic accident,’ according to the voice-over ‘claimed the life of a young nurse in London today …’ And watching, I’d lost my appetite completely.

How much worse for Lucy, who’d been sitting on a birthday present, ready-wrapped, for Anna’s twenty-third: next Thursday. She’d come in this morning with a brave enough face, but couldn’t hold it. And when I suggested a quiet chat in my office, it wasn’t long before she let herself go completely.

In between sobs and sniffles she’d tried her best to talk it all out – and I’d done my best to help it come. An awful, awkward job; but one I felt oddly at ease with. Perhaps because I knew just how she was feeling.

‘Really I do,’ I’d insisted, while she watched me miserably, and wiped her reddened eyes. ‘I mean … I lost my parents when I was just your age. That was an RTA. And then … a couple of years ago … my flatmate was … was murdered by her boyfriend …’ And oh, there’d been more to it than that, of course. Much more. But it was enough to sit her up, quite startled – then sympathetic herself.

‘Oh, Rachel. I’m so sorry …’

I shrugged, and quickly steered the conversation back to her. Her problems. I felt guilty dwelling on my own.

And really didn’t want to.

But they’d already started stirring again, at the back of my head. The memories of darkness, and burning, and bloody death. Stuff it had taken me months to get over; and years to begin to forget. As Lucy talked on, her voice getting slowly stronger, I fingered my crucifix – feeling its ends digging in under my nails – and tried very hard just to follow her words.

‘Did you … ever get depressed or anything?’ she’d ventured after a while; having said all she’d felt necessary on her own account. Ready to listen in turn now: the first step back up the ladder. I was grateful for that, at least.

‘Well …’ I hesitated. Then: ‘Yes, I was – for quite a while. Reactive depression, you know?’ And she nodded, the term familiar to us both. Except that mine had been the reactive depression more commonly associated with surviving fires or train crashes. The sort that gives dreadful dreams – and waking weeks of utter hopelessness. I’d been fine for a while, too – coping really well, or so I’d thought. Then the tears from nowhere had begun. The conviction that getting up in the morning would not be worth the trouble. The thoughts of suicide.

Not active suicide, of course: not really. More the passive variety. Like, if a car had mounted the pavement, out of control, I wouldn’t have bothered getting out of the way. Suicide with a clear conscience, if you prefer.

And I still think the only thing that kept me going through it all was Jenny. Her face in my dreams. Jenny, who’d been my best and closest friend. Jenny, who’d died before my own nightmare even began.

Jenny, who’d reached out from her grave to save me from a fate far worse than death. And in all the weeks that followed, I’d felt her with me still: even in the darkest, longest nights. Beckoning me on towards the breaking of day.

I’d met with her murderess, too: the witch-like woman who’d risen from her deathbed to strangle her. We’d faced each other in an overcast cemetery, over Jenny’s last resting place – and the old woman had just smiled a toothless smile, and gone her way. Perhaps to find a resting place herself; but maybe she was out there still.

Whatever, it was an end between us. I’d sensed that much, that day.

And so life had gone on, as it always must. And as I moved on too – new job, new town, new home, new friends – so the past had faded into the background. But sometimes, even now, I’d feel an emptiness: the strangest yearning for what was gone – like someone who’s been somehow left behind.

Oh Jenny. What about me?

‘Penny for them, Rachel,’ Murdoch said quietly.

I came back to myself with a start – to find him in the office doorway, watching me. Dressed in a charcoal-dark suit, as always: it gave him a sombre aspect, despite his crimson tie. His long, thinly-bearded face could often look severe, as well – which made his smile now all the more engaging.

‘Oh … It’ll cost you a good deal more than that, Dr Murdoch,’ I said airily – already feeling just a little better. And Murdoch’s smile grew wider.

‘I’ll be starting the round in a moment: any problems?’

I shook my head. ‘Nope. They’re all being very good. Jez’ll go round with you.’ Even Murdoch called him that now. I guessed only his mum still called him Jeremy.

‘Good. I’ll speak to you later.’ He gave me a courteous nod and went on towards the station. I sat back, still smiling myself. Some of our anaesthetists were temperamental as hell: perhaps it went with the territory. But Murdoch – though one of the youngest – was probably the calmest of them all. And the softest-spoken.

Which, when he did get angry, made his rages all the more unnerving. They were cold: controlled. I’d got on the wrong side of him once, and he didn’t even raise his voice – but left me shaking.

I hadn’t made the same mistake again.

But today he seemed in sunnier mood – which brightened up mine in turn. As a unit we worked well together: we got on. Sue had once even ventured the opinion that Murdoch was ‘kind of a handsome man’. And added (a few drinks later) that ‘he could put me under any time’ – politely ignoring our cheerful, pop-eyed stares of disbelief.

Well, now. Sue could go on the Early with Jean. Jez had requested a day off. So who could I put on the Late? I pondered – or tried to. But the real question was, could I find an excuse for not doing the soup run again this week?

Getting into bad habits, and I knew it. Knew, and didn’t much care. Not that it had ever been my favourite way to spend a cold winter’s evening: doling out soup to the street-sleepers. The temptation to let it go had always itched beneath the surface. But there was something more than apathy or mere distaste involved this time. I’d really had a fright.

An awful shock.

And all in the mind, as I’d realised soon enough. A last, stray echo of things left well behind me. But still – sitting here, pen poised – I could feel the way my guts had clenched inside me. I wasn’t about to go through that again.

It had been a fortnight ago; we’d been bringing soup to an enclave of the homeless near Waterloo. Quite a crowd had gathered round our van, to slurp from steaming beakers in the dimness. I’d started out by making conversation – and ended up quite absorbed. Chewing the fat with a wryly funny Scotsman not long out of a psychie unit – and a well-spoken accountant type, who’d ended up on the street with what sounded like petrifying suddenness.

‘Gissa hand, will ye?’ the Scots bloke asked at length, taking a fresh beaker in each hand and jerking his head towards the people still crouching in the shelter of the nearby bridge. ‘Some o’ yon lads’re too tired to bloody stand …’

I nodded, grabbed a couple more helpings of oxtail and followed him over. Hands reached up gratefully from the foxholes of cardboard and blankets. I glimpsed someone sitting apart from the others, almost submerged in the deeper gloom beneath the arch, and made towards him with my last beaker.

I was only a few feet short when I suddenly stopped dead. So suddenly that the soup slopped out, scalding my wrist between sleeve and glove. So dead, I scarcely felt it.

The person ahead of me was squatting with their back against the brickwork: wrapped up in an old black greatcoat. A battered, wide-brimmed hat was pulled right down to cover the face beneath; black as the coat, but smudged and smeared with ashy grey.

I suddenly felt like a knife was being pushed into my belly. Pushed and twisted. My skin grew instantly cold. I took a tiny step backwards.

The bowed head never moved.

‘… one over here, lassie …’ the Scotsman said cheerfully. He sounded a long way off.

The shadow-shrouded figure didn’t stir. Probably asleep, of course. Exhausted, hungry, and about to miss his chance because of my ridiculous unease. Yet all I could do was back away, my heart now racing like a drum-roll.

The Scotsman had to clap me on the shoulder to snap me out of it: the casual grip of his grimy hand was more welcome than I’d have ever dreamed. With a last, wary look towards the shape beneath the bridge, I turned towards the faces I could see, and made an effort to return their smiles and quirky greetings. But all the time I could feel the chilly sweat of that moment: trapped under my clothes, and slowly soaking in. And even after I’d got home, and showered, and scrubbed it all off, my jumpiness remained. My stomach felt sick and sore. Even though I told myself, again and again, that it couldn’t have been her. It couldn’t have.

And of course, it hadn’t been: I surely knew that now. Not Razoxane.

Because Razoxane was dead and gone – to Hell.

Three years ago, I found out what Hell meant.

I’d been just another nurse; an A&E Night Sister getting on with her job. Then she had come in off the street, and Hell had followed with her. I’d thought she was a psychie case at first, which was scary enough – but then she’d revealed the magic in her madness; opened my startled eyes, and made me see. Comfortable certainties had crumbled to dust. And then she’d dragged me into her feud with a firm of Physicians as evil and old as she was: and the blood-bags really hit the fan …

I found the top was in my fingers once again: I’d fished it up from my drawer without thinking. Turning it over in my free hand, I put Michelle down for the Late – then gave in to the temptation, and set it spinning one more time.

Maybe I should just tell them I can’t spare the time, I thought glumly, watching it move. Maybe I’ll even manage not to make it sound too selfish …

Maybe.

The little top toppled, and spiralled to a stop before me.

Ace of bloody Spades.