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Chapter 4

James

I was on full autopilot on the way home after a decent training session at the gym. Night-time had already drawn in with winter approaching, and the lack of street lamps meant I could hardly see a thing. Training had recently become much more interesting, although sometimes I worried about the master. Other than that, the previous few weeks had been fairly smooth, except of course for the change in Hero’s behaviour. It was hard to put my finger on exactly what was different. He seemed withdrawn now even by his usual reserved standards.

And then of course there was Vicki.

The lights in the house were still off as I arrived, making the house more imposing than usual. Hero should have been home by now, and I had the sense that something was wrong. Was it the smell in the air? The way the shadows formed around the porch windows? I really couldn’t tell, but having no choice, I pushed my key into the lock.

The house was cold—strange, since I could hear the fizzing and pinging of the central heating. My heart was beating faster, and my lungs were snatching at the air like an overweight hamster running in its wheel. I quietly closed the door behind me, but I could see nothing, so I fumbled towards the light switch on my right.

The hall was empty. There was somebody there, though, in the darkness. I couldn’t see them, but they were there. They were in the kitchen. I could feel it.

I padded over to the kitchen but dared not enter. The air was thick. Was it tension? Or could I somehow smell the breath of the intruder? I snaked my hand inside the door, feeling for the light switch. Preparing to duck quickly, I switched it on.

The light hit like a slap to the face.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ I shouted.

Hero was sitting by himself at the table, the dinner he’d presumably prepared left untouched. After Mum left, all of the clothing-related duties fell to me and all of the cooking to him. It suited him, really; he loved food, always had. He’d always been a little chubby, but in a cute way.

I barged forward. ‘What the hell are you doing sitting in the dark on your own? You scared me half to death. I nearly ran in here and slapped you.’

I drew up short before I could smack him upside the head. Maybe he was missing Mum. I think it affected him more than it did me. I missed her too, but I had to remain strong for him. And Dad.

They say your heart sinks when you’re sad, but I didn’t think that was true. When Dad told us those fateful words that Mum was gone, I don’t think either of us realised that we were never going to see her again. We’d expected her to walk back through the door at any moment. We probably still did. But back then, it’d felt as if the world were closing in and I couldn’t breathe, as if someone had locked me in a wooden box and buried me alive, and I kept punching and punching, trying to get out, but no matter what I did, it didn’t work.

Sometimes I caught myself referring to Mum in the past tense, and it scared me. Maybe we had a link, a biological connection that a son naturally has with his mother, and I knew she was never coming back—and it wasn’t because she didn’t want to. But I realised that was a stupid idea. Why would Dad lie to us?

I kept telling Hero that it wasn’t his fault, but I could see every day in his eyes that he believed Mum had left because of him. That hurt more than anything; I hated to see him in pain. I wished I could just reach into his cells and suck out the distress like a Hoover.

I lay a hand on his shoulder. ‘Come on, bruv, I understand. I miss Mum too.’

He glanced up from his meal and then back, staring at the arrangement of broccoli and carrots on his plate, and shook his head slowly.

So it wasn’t about Mum. ‘Is this about Felicity?’

He looked up and pursed his lips.

‘Already? Man, girls are harsh.’

‘She’s fine,’ he mumbled. ‘It’s just not gonna work out, that’s all.’

I slid my arm the rest of the way around his shoulder and gave him an affectionate hug. ‘Now, more importantly—where’s my dinner?’

He turned to face me, horrified at my inhumanity, but as soon as he realised I was joking, he started to grin.

‘See? That’s all I was looking for, that smile of yours. But seriously, mate, where’s my dinner?’

He started to giggle. They say that it warms your heart when you make another human being laugh. I admit, it made me feel good.

‘It’s in the oven,’ he said when he stopped chortling. ‘I guess I’d better do my homework.’

‘Okay, thanks.’ I plucked the dish out of the oven using a towel. ‘Bruv, it’ll be okay. These things always work out in the end.’

He nodded and smiled forlornly before going upstairs. I didn’t see him again that night. I guess he wanted to get his homework done and think things out for himself.

Whatever those things were.

The next morning at breakfast, Hero was equally sombre. He couldn’t have slept much, because he was already in the kitchen when I arrived.

‘Morning, James,’ Dad said with his usual exuberance. ‘Hero’s really getting into this cooking malarkey. He even cooked bacon and eggs again this morning and made my coffee. I could definitely get used to this.’

Hero gave him an empty smile. I noticed that he wasn’t eating himself, nor was there any sign that he had.

‘Not hungry?’

‘No.’

‘Are you okay, bruv? You normally eat like a horse.’

‘Just not feeling great.’

‘Shall we go?’ I started towards the door.

He hung back. ‘I’m feeling really rough. Maybe I’m not well enough to go to school today.’

‘Hmm. Well, let’s head out, see how you go. If you still feel bad, you can always come back, right?’

‘Okay.’

We walked to school in silence. Hero seemed intent on studying the pavement. As we arrived at the school gates, I said, ‘Okay, bruv. See you later.’

‘Can we have lunch together today?’

‘What?’ He’d never wanted to have lunch with me before.

‘Just be good to spend time with you.’

Liar.

‘Maybe you are ill?’ I reached for his forehead as if to check for a fever.

‘It’s okay,’ he mumbled, pulling away.

Damn it all. Something was definitely wrong. I knew I should work out a way to have lunch with him, if only to find out what was going on—but I couldn’t. I was meeting with Vicki. Shit.

‘Bruv, I can’t today, I’ve got stuff on. Anyway, you’ve got your friends to have lunch with, right?’

‘I guess.’

Hmm. ‘Well, have a good day. I’ll see you at home later, okay?’

‘Sure.’

The day was the usual mishmash of classes and gym. Oh, and Vicki.

Yes indeed, Vicki. God, she wore a short skirt. Was that even legal? Fair enough, though—she had great legs. She deserved to show them off.

When I first met her, she’d been standing at the school gates and chatting with one of her friends, who promptly disappeared as I approached. She must’ve been waiting for me but was trying to be subtle about it. About as subtle as a brick through a window.

‘Hey, James,’ she purred.

‘Hey, how you doin’?’ That Joey from Friends thing really shouldn’t work, but it did. Girls were so shallow; it was almost too easy sometimes.

She giggled in that way only teenage girls can, the way that made you feel happy yet on edge. You were never sure if they were mocking you or interested. Most of the time, it seemed to be both. I used to think that they were always mocking me. That had been a waste of a few years. Still, I’d made up for lost time.

‘Would you walk me to the tube?’ she asked.

‘Well, I’ve got to go to the gym. How far is it?’

‘Not far. St James’s Park.’ She raised her voice at the end as if asking a question.

‘That’s on my way. Let’s go.’

At the tube station, I did the usual trick of putting my hand on her waist as I gave her a goodbye kiss on the cheek. She grabbed my lapel, pulled me back, and pushed her face against mine. Our teeth smacked together with a clatter.

‘Ow.’ I pulled back slightly, holding her at bay. ‘Relax. Let’s just take our time.’

I pulled her closer again. As we kissed, I caressed her curves and slid my hand down to her thigh, then back upwards over the thick cotton of her hold-ups until I reached the warmth of her skin.

God, I loved stockings.

She recoiled slightly. ‘Not here.’

‘Sorry.’ I retracted my hand and slowly pushed her back against the wall, pressing myself against her. Her hardened nipples prodded my chest.

‘I really want to continue this,’ I breathed, ‘but I have to get to the gym now.’

‘Oh, James.’ Her sigh made her disappointment clear.

‘It’s okay. We’ll pick this up again tomorrow.’ I caressed her cheek with my fingertips.

She gazed at me the way a doting dog looks up at its owner. Always leave them wanting more—well, at least the first time.

I made my way to the gym, thinking about Vicki and those luscious thighs throughout my session and then more on the way home, imagining what we might have done had I taken her back there.

When I realized I was approaching home, I hastily adjusted my trousers using my hand in my pocket to give myself some room. I didn’t want to be showing that to the family. All the main lights in the house were off again, but I knew that there were no intruders today. I don’t know how I knew. The master told me this sense is part of the training and will only get stronger. That’s the part that really scared me, though.

I marched up the steps. What was it with this kid and sitting in the dark at the moment?

The dark. There was something about those words that jumped into my throat and touched the end of my tongue like a jack-in-the-box, then disappeared just as quickly, like a memory of something I’d never done. Not in this life, anyway.

I switched on the main hall light and dumped my bag on the floor. The books and gym kit made a satisfying thud. I noticed a faint glow I hadn’t seen before coming from Hero’s room upstairs. Time to see what this was all about, then. How was I gonna do this? An indirect approach might be best.

I stood in the doorway. ‘Brrr, it’s cold out there.’

‘It is winter.’ There was a stillness to his voice, as if a part of his soul were missing.

‘Good day at school, bruv?’

He turned from his computer to face me, smiled, and nodded.

‘Don’t you want to turn the light on?’ I asked.

He shrugged and turned back to his computer.

Don’t make it easy for me or anything, bruv.

I thumped a fist rhythmically against the door jamb. I was getting angry because he was in too much pain to talk. Deep breath, James. I really was an asshole sometimes.

‘Manage to have lunch without me today?’

‘Indeed,’ he replied. ‘How was training?’

‘Good as always. Thanks for asking.’

‘What do you guys do, anyway?’

What was this? I quietly caught my dropping jaw. ‘That’s the first time you’ve ever asked me about my training.’

‘Yeah, well, I was never into fighting before.’

‘Well, we don’t really fight, exactly.’

‘So what do you do, then?’ He pushed his chair back and looked at me with interest.

Wait a sec. Why was he into fighting all of a sudden? ‘Okay, you’re right, we do fight a bit. But not hard. You know, we do the usual martial arts sword fighting, a bit of meditation here and there, and obviously fitness training.’

‘Fitness? Forget that.’

Yeah, podge boy. I laughed. ‘Each to their own, eh?’

I caught a sudden glint in his eyes; perhaps something lit up on the monitor. But I’d seen this in him before. It was so bright, it terrified me.

‘How come you’re always so calm, James?’ he asked.

‘What d’ya mean?’

‘You know, you’re always calm about everything. You’re so confident all the time. How?’

‘Hmm, I never thought about it, to be honest.’

‘Is it your training?’

I felt a shadow extend over my soul. I could not answer that question—must never tell. Everyone had the right to choose freely. ‘Well, yes. And because I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes.’

He snorted. ‘You’re weird, you are.’

I smiled, my eyes lightening with a new sunrise. ‘Maybe, but what I definitely am is stinky.’

‘Yeah, I can smell you from here.’

‘I need a shower. Hey, have you eaten already?’

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘Okay, well, after my shower, I’ll make something to eat. You should come and join me.’

‘I’ll see how I feel.’

I swung around the corner into the bathroom. Still hadn’t got it out of him. Something was definitely wrong, and it wasn’t Felicity—or at least, not only her. I’d have to talk to Andrew about her tomorrow, although that was definitely going to be awkward. Awkward indeed.

Hero was sitting up on his bed as I headed back to my room after brushing my teeth. Okay, enough dicking around. I was just gonna have to go for it.

I stopped in his doorway. ‘You weren’t hungry in the end, eh?’

‘No.’

‘Are you okay, bruv?’

‘I’m fine, mate. I just can’t sleep at the moment.’ He fidgeted nervously with his hands.

‘You’ve been like this for a while, though. Is everything really okay?’

‘It’s cool. Don’t worry about me.’

‘Okay, well, try to get some rest, bruv, eh?’

‘Thanks, mate.’

I went to my room and lay down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, thinking. My blood was pumping hard, making the bed hot and uncomfortable. It was no good. I couldn’t just lie here staring at nothing.

I sat down at the computer and typed ‘depression’ into the search engine. I browsed several related websites, the various symptoms and causes. Some sounded similar to Hero’s demeanour, but nothing that really jumped out at me. This couldn’t be it. He wasn’t depressed.

I was about to turn off the computer when something in the corner of the screen caught my eye, a single word. I clicked the link. Lo and behold, I had my answer.

I sat, unblinking. Impossible, surely? No one would dare. A small volcano sprouted inside me, seething hot lava.

Oh bruv, why do you never ask for help?

There was a knock at the door. I clicked to BBC News just as the door opened.

‘Is everything okay?’ Dad asked.

‘All good, just wondering what was going on in the world.’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘When I was a kid, we had magazines for that kind of thing.’

‘I did not need to know that,’ I said, laughing and shaking my head.

‘Have a good night, son.’ He started to leave, then turned back. ‘Just be careful. There’s some very strange people in this world, okay?’

‘Sure, Dad. Thanks.’

He closed the door behind him as he left. I shut down my computer and went back to bed. At least the poor kid had me beside him now. Whatever was going on, I was going to find out.

I’m going to be your guardian angel, bruv.