Читать книгу Cap'n Eri - Joseph Crosby Lincoln - Страница 4

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“Perez,” observed Captain Eri cheerfully, “I'm tryin' to average up with the mistakes of Providence.”

The Captain was seated by the open door of the dining room, in the rocker with the patched cane seat. He was apparently very busy doing something with a piece of fishline and a pair of long-legged rubber boots. Captain Perez, swinging back and forth in the parlor rocker with the patch-work cushion, was puffing deliberately at a wooden pipe, the bowl of which was carved into the likeness of a very rakish damsel with a sailor's cap set upon the side of her once flaxen head. In response to his companion's remark he lazily turned his sunburned face toward the cane-seated rocker and inquired:

“What on airth are you doin' with them boots?”

Captain Eri tied a knot with his fingers and teeth and then held the boots out at arm's length.

“Why, Perez,” he said, “I'm averagin' up, same as I told you. Providence made me a two-legged critter, and a two-legged critter needs two boots. I've always been able to find one of these boots right off whenever I wanted it, but it's took me so plaguey long to find the other one that whatever wet there was dried up afore I got out of the house. Yesterday when I wanted to go clammin' I found the left one on the mantelpiece, no trouble at all, but it was pretty nigh high water before I dug the other one out of the washb'iler. That's why I'm splicin' 'em together this way. I don't want to promise nothin' rash, but I'm in hopes that even Jerry can't lose 'em now.”

“Humph!” grunted Captain Perez. “I don't think much of that plan. 'Stead of losin' one you'll lose both of 'em.”

“Yes, but then I shan't care. If there ain't NO boots in sight; I'll go barefoot or stay at home. It's the kind of responsibleness that goes with havin' one boot that's wearin' me out. Where IS Jerry?”

“He went out to feed Lorenzo. I heard him callin' a minute ago. That cat ain't been home sence noon, and Jerry's worried.”

A stentorian shout of “Puss! puss! Come, kitty, kitty, kitty!” came from somewhere outside. Captain Eri smiled.

“I'm 'fraid Lorenzo's gittin' dissipated in his old age,” he observed. Then, as a fat gray cat shot past the door, “There he is! Reg'lar prodigal son. Comes home when the fatted ca'f's ready.”

A moment later Captain Jerry appeared, milk pitcher in hand. He entered the dining room and, putting the pitcher down on the table, pulled forward the armchair with the painted sunset on the back, produced his own pipe, and proceeded to hunt through one pocket after the other with a troubled expression of countenance.

“Where in tunket is my terbacker?” he asked, after finishing the round of pockets and preparing to begin all over again.

“I see it on the top of the clock a spell ago,” said Captain Perez.

“Was that yours, Jerry?” exclaimed Captain Eri. “Well, that's too bad! I see it there and thought 'twas mine. Here 'tis, or what's left of it.”

Captain Jerry took the remnant of a plug from his friend and said in an aggrieved tone:

“That's jest like you, Eri! Never have a place for nothin' and help yourself to anything you happen to want, don't make no odds whose 'tis. Why don't you take care of your terbacker, same's I do of mine?”

“Now see here, Jerry! I ain't so sure that is yours. Let me see it. Humph! I thought so! This is 'Navy Plug' and you always smoke 'Sailor's Sweetheart.' Talk about havin' a place for things!”

“That's MY terbacker, if you want to know,” observed Captain Perez. “I've got yours, Eri. Here 'tis.”

“Well, then, where IS mine?” said Captain Jerry somewhat snappishly.

“Bet a dollar you've got it in your pocket,” said Captain Eri.

“Bet ten dollars I ain't! I ain't quite a fool yit, Eri Hedge. I guess I know—well, I snum! I forgot that upper vest pocket!” and from the pocket mentioned Captain Jerry produced the missing tobacco.

There was a general laugh, in which Captain Jerry was obliged to join, and the trio smoked in silence for a time, while the expanse of water to the eastward darkened, and the outer beach became but a dusky streak separating the ocean from the inner bay. At length Captain Perez rose and, knocking the ashes from his pipe, announced that he was going to “show a glim.”

“Yes, go ahead, Jerry!” said Captain Eri, “it's gittin' dark.”

“It's darker in the grave,” observed Captain Perez with lugubrious philosophy.

“Then for the land's sake let's have it light while we can! Here, Jerry! them matches is burnt ones. Try this, 'twon't be so damagin' to the morals.”

Captain Jerry took the proffered match and lit the two bracket lamps, fastened to the walls of the dining room. The room, seen by the lamplight, was shiplike, but as decidedly not shipshape. The chronometer on the mantel was obscured by a thick layer of dust. The three gorgeous oil paintings—from the brush of the local sign painter—respectively representing the coasting packet Hannah M., Eri Hedge, Master, and the fishing schooners, Georgie Baker, Jeremiah Burgess, Master, and the Flying Duck, Perez Ryder, Master, were shrouded in a very realistic fog of the same dust. Even the imposing gilt-lettered set of “Lives of Great Naval Commanders,” purchased by Captain Perez some months before, and being slowly paid for on an apparently never-ending installment plan, was cloaked with it. The heap of newspapers, shoved under the couch to get them out of the way, peeped forth in a tell-tale manner. The windows were not too clean and the floor needed sweeping. Incidentally the supper table had not been cleared. Each one of the three noted these things and each sighed. Then Captain Eri said, as if to change the subject, though no one had spoken:

“What started you talkin' about the grave, Perez? Was it them clam fritters of Jerry's?”

“No,” answered the ex-skipper of the Flying Duck, pulling at his grizzled scrap of throat whisker and looking rather shamefaced. “You see, M'lissy Busteed dropped in a few minutes this mornin' while you fellers was out and—”

Both Captain Eri and Captain Jerry set up a hilarious shout.

“Haw! haw!” roared the former, slapping his knee. “I wouldn't be so fascinatin' as you be for no money, Perez. She'll have you yit; you can't git away! But say, I don't wonder you got to thinkin' 'bout the grave. Ten minutes of M'lissy gits me thinkin' of things way t'other side of that!”

“Aw, belay there, Eri” protested Captain Perez testily. “'Twan't my fault. I didn't see her comin' or I'd have got out of sight. She was cruisin' 'round the way she always does with a cargo of gabble, and, she put in here to unload. Talk! I never heard a woman talk the way she can! She'd be a good one to have on board in a calm. Git her talkin' abaft the mains'l and we'd have a twenty-knot breeze in a shake.”

“What was it this time?” asked Captain Jerry.

“Oh, a little of everything. She begun about the 'beautiful' sermon that Mr. Perley preached at the last 'Come-Outers'' meetin'. That was what started me thinkin' about the grave, I guess. Then she pitched into Seth Wingate's wife for havin' a new bunnit this season when the old one wan't ha'f wore out. She talked for ten minutes or so on that, and then she begun about Parker's bein' let go over at the cable station and about the new feller that's been signed to take his place. She's all for Parker. Says he was a 'perfectly lovely' man and that 'twas outrageous the way he was treated, and all that sort of thing.”

“She ain't the only one that thinks so,” observed Captain Jerry. “There's a heap of folks in this town that think Parker was a mighty fine feller.”

“Yes,” said Captain Eri, “and it's worth while noticin' who they be. Perez' friend, M'lissy, thinks so, and 'Squealer' Wixon and his gang think so, and 'Web' Saunders thinks so, and a lot more like them. Parker was TOO good a feller, that's what was the matter with him. His talk always reminded me of washday at the poorhouse, lots of soft soap with plenty of lye in it.”

“Well, M'lissy says that the men over to the station—all except Langley, of course—are mad as all git-out because Parker was let go, and she says somebody told somebody else, and somebody else told somebody else, and somebody else told HER—she says it come reel straight—that the men are goin' to make it hot for the new feller when he comes. She says his name's Hazeltine, or somethin' like that, and that he's goin' to get here to-morrer or next day.”

“Well,” said Captain Eri, “it's a mercy M'lissy found it out. If that man should git here and she not know it aforehand 'twould kill her sure as fate, and think what a blow that would be to you, Perez.”

He took his old-fashioned watch from his pocket and glanced at the dial.

“I mustn't be settin' round here much longer,” he added. “John Baxter's goin' to have that little patch of cranberry swamp of his picked to-morrer, and he's expectin' some barrels down on to-night's train. John asked me to git Zoeth Cahoon to cart 'em down for him, but I ain't got nothin' special to do to-night, so I thought I'd hitch up and go and git 'em myself. You and Jerry can match cents to see who does the dishes. I did 'em last night, so it's my watch below.”

“Well, I shan't do 'em,” declared Captain Perez. “Blessed if I'd do the durn things to-night if the President of the United States asked me to.”

“Humph!” sputtered Captain Jerry. “I s'pose you fellers think I'll do 'em all the time. If you do you're mistook, that's all. 'Twan't last night you done 'em, Eri; 'twas the night afore. I done 'em last night, and I'm ready to take my chances agin if we match, but I'm jiggered if I let you shove the whole thing off onto me. I didn't ship for cook no more 'n the rest of you.”

Neither of the others saw fit to answer this declaration of independence and there was a pause in the conversation. Then Captain Jerry said moodily:

“It ain't no use. It don't work.”

“What don't work?” asked Captain Eri.

“Why, this plan of ours. I thought when we fellers give up goin' to sea reg'lar and settled down here to keep house ourselves and live economical and all that, that 'twas goin' to be fine. I thought I wouldn't mind doin' my share of the work a bit, thought 'twould be kind of fun to swab decks and all that. Well, 'twas for a spell, but 'tain't now. I'm so sick of it that I don't know what to do. And I'm sick of livin' in a pigpen, too. Look at them dead-lights! They're so dirty that when I turn out in the mornin' and go to look through 'em, I can't tell whether it's foul weather or fair.”

Captain Eri looked at the windows toward which his friend pointed and signed assent.

“There's no use talkin',” he observed, “we've got to have a steward aboard this craft.”

“Yes,” said Captain Perez emphatically, “a steward or a woman.”

“A WOMAN!” exclaimed Captain Eri. Then he shook his head solemnly and added, “There, Jerry! What did I tell you? M'lissy!”

But Captain Perez did not smile.

“I ain't foolin',” he said; “I mean it.”

Captain Jerry thought of the spick-and-span days of his wife, dead these twenty years, and sighed again. “I s'pose we might have a housekeeper,” he said.

“Housekeeper!” sneered Captain Eri. “Who'd you hire? Perez don't, seemin'ly, take to M'lissy, and there ain't nobody else in Orham that you could git, 'less 'twas old A'nt Zuby Higgins, and that would be actin' like the feller that jumped overboard when his boat sprung a leak. No, sir! If A'nt Zuby ships aboard here I heave up MY commission.”

“Who said anything about A'nt Zuby or housekeepers either?” inquired Captain Perez. “I said we'd got to have a woman, and we have. One of us 'll have to git married, that's all.”

“MARRIED!” roared the two in chorus.

“That's what I said, married, and take the others to board in this house. Look here now! When a shipwrecked crew's starvin' one of 'em has to be sacrificed for the good of the rest, and that's what we've got to do. One of us has got to git married for the benefit of the other two.”

Captain Eri shouted hilariously. “Good boy, Perez!” he cried. “Goin' to be the first offerin'?”

“Not unless it's my luck, Eri. We'll all three match for it, same as we do 'bout washin' the dishes.”

“Where are you goin' to find a wife?” asked Captain Jerry.

“Now that's jest what I'm goin' to show you. I see how things was goin', and I've been thinkin' this over for a consid'rable spell. Hold on a minute till I overhaul my kit.”

He went into the front bedroom, and through the open door they could see him turning over the contents of the chest with P. R. in brass nails on the lid. He scattered about him fish-lines, hooks, lead for sinkers, oilcloth jackets, whales' teeth, and various other articles, and at length came back bearing a much-crumpled sheet of printed paper. This he spread out upon the dining table, first pushing aside the dishes to make room, and, after adjusting his spectacles, said triumphantly:

“There! There she is! The Nup-ti-al Chime. A Journal of Matrimony. I see a piece about it in the Herald the other day, and sent a dime for a sample copy. It's chock-full of advertisements from women that wants husbands.”

Captain Eri put on his spectacles and hitched his chair up to the table. After giving the pages of the Nuptial Chime a hurried inspection, he remarked:

“There seems to be a strong runnin' to 'vi-va-ci-ous brunettes' and 'blondes with tender and romantic dispositions.' Which of them kinds are you sufferin' for, Perez? Oh, say! here's a lady that's willin' to heave herself away on a young and handsome bachelor with a income of ten thousand a year. Seems to me you ought to answer that.”

“Oh, hush up, Eri! 'Tain't likely I'd want to write to any of them in there. The thing for us to do would be to write out a advertisement of our own; tell what sort of woman we want, and then set back and wait for answers. Now, what do you say?”

Captain Eri looked at the advocate of matrimony for a moment without speaking. Then he said: “Do you really mean it, Perez?”

“Sartin I do.”

“What do you think of it, Jerry?”

“Think it's a good idee,” said that ancient mariner decisively. “We've got to do somethin', and this looks like the only sensible thing.”

“Then Eri's GOT to do it!” asserted Captain Perez dogmatically. “We agreed to stick together, and two to one's a vote. Come on now, Eri, we'll match.”

Captain Eri hesitated.

“Come on, Eri!” ordered Captain Jerry. “Ain't goin' to mutiny, are you?”

“All right!” said Captain Eri, “I'll stick to the ship. Only,” he added, with a quizzical glance at his companions, “it's got to be settled that the feller that's stuck can pick his wife, and don't have to marry unless he finds one that suits him.”

The others agreed to this stipulation, and Captain Perez, drawing a long breath, took a coin from his pocket, flipped it in the air and covered it, as it fell on the table, with a big hairy hand. Captain Eri did likewise; so did Captain Jerry. Then Captain Eri lifted his hand and showed the coin beneath; it was a head. Captain Jerry's was a tail. Under Captain Perez' hand lurked the hidden fate. The Captain's lips closed in a grim line. With a desperate glance at the others he jerked his hand away.

The penny lay head uppermost. Captain Jerry was “stuck.”

Captain Eri rose, glanced at his watch, and, taking his hat from the shelf where the dishes should have been, opened the door. Before he went out, however, he turned and said:

“Perez, you and Jerry can be fixin' up the advertisement while I'm gone. You can let me see it when I come back. I say, Jerry,” he added to the “sacrifice,” who sat gazing at the pennies on the table in a sort of trance, “don't feel bad about it. Why, when you come to think of it, it's a providence it turned out that way. Me and Perez are bachelors, and we'd be jest green hands. But you're a able seaman, you know what it is to manage a wife.”

“Yes, I do,” groaned Captain Jerry lugubriously. “Durn it, that's jest it!”

Captain Eri was chuckling as, lantern in hand, he passed around the corner of the little white house on the way to the barn. He chuckled all through the harnessing of Daniel, the venerable white horse. He was still chuckling as, perched on the seat of the “truck wagon,” he rattled and shook out of the yard and turned into the sandy road that led up to the village. And an outsider, hearing these chuckles, and knowing what had gone before, might have inferred that perhaps Captain Eri did not view the “matching” and the matrimonial project with quite the deadly seriousness of the other two occupants of the house by the shore.