Читать книгу Born Bad - Josephine Cox - Страница 11

THE MINUTE HE walked into Kathleen’s cosy little parlour, Harry felt at home. He stood, the child once more deeply asleep in his father’s arms, and took a long look about him.

On the whole, it had not changed from the place he had fondly remembered all those years. The wood-panelled door was still the same, with its brass knocker and big iron handle, and the prettiest stained-glass window right at the top.

Once inside the tiny parlour his senses warmed to the familiar scent of snuff. He recalled how Kathleen had a weakness for it. When she thought no one was looking, she would take the smallest pinch of brown powder from the little silver box, pop it on the back of her hand, then she’d sniff it up her nose until her eyes watered and the ensuing sneeze took her breath away. Harry had always thought it comical, how after a pinch or two, the snuff formed an odd kind of moustache round her top lip.

It was oddly comforting to think she still enjoyed that secret ‘little pinch o’ snuff’.

The old leather chair that used to sit beside the fireplace was gone, and in its place was a smart brown chair with wide arms and long wooden legs. The old chair had been special to Kathleen’s husband, Michael.

Harry had not forgotten the news which Kathleen imparted when they first spoke on the phone. ‘I’m sorry about Michael,’ he said awkwardly now.

Her smile momentarily disappeared. ‘Me too,’ she murmured. Then, in her usual robust manner, she deliberately changed the subject, took a deep breath and brought Harry’s attention to the new décor. ‘As you can see, I’ve changed a thing or two these past years.’

Looking about, Harry noticed the new lemon-coloured curtains, where before there had been pretty floral curtains of pink and green. The rug before the fireplace had been a crescent-shaped one, a rag rug that Kathleen had made herself. Now though, there was a smart, oval red rug with a border of cream-coloured roses; and the old brown horsehair sofa had been replaced with a dark blue cloth-covered one, with big round wooden feet and wooden arms where you might easily rest your cup of tea.

Kathleen’s idea of comfort was as old-fashioned as the darling woman herself. Her home was a welcoming place where folks could put up their feet and rest awhile, or stay a week, whichever suited.

‘We’ve got gas fires now,’ Kathleen proudly informed him. ‘Oh, and we’ve got rid of the old bed,’ she revealed. ‘Lord knows, I’ve been cracking me head on them iron knobs for long enough. Sure, it’s a wonder me old brains aren’t scrambled.’

She went on with a grin. ‘As you well know, my Michael loved that bed, creaks and all. For years I fought him tooth and nail for a new one, but the stubborn old eejit was having none of it.’

Recalling the fierce but friendly arguments concerning the bed, Harry was curious. ‘So how did you manage to persuade him?’

Kathleen gave out a raucous laugh, then quickly shushed herself. ‘Michael had a night out with his mates down the pub, dominoes and drinking till the early hours, the buggers! The ting is, he staggered home totally blathered, setting off the dogs and waking up the street, he was! Then he was singing and now he was threatening at the top of his voice: “Me name is Michael O’Leary, an’ I’ll knock out the lights of any man who gets in me way!”’

Harry had to laugh. ‘So, did anyone challenge him?’ Going to the sofa, he gently laid the child down.

‘No, thank the Lord. Sure, they’d have more sense than to tackle the likes of him! Well, anyway, I heard him arriving – in fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the whole world didn’t hear him! He fell in the door, crawled up the stairs and crumpled into bed. Five minutes later he was away with the fairies.’

Harry had always thought Michael to be a lovable old rogue. ‘But if he was asleep, he couldn’t cause you any trouble, could he?’

‘Aye, well, you’d think so, wouldn’t you, eh?’ she sighed. ‘Had a nightmare, he did, thrashing about in a fight with some fella down the pub. The old bed was a-shaking and a-heaving, and suddenly it collapsed. The bedhead fell over and trapped Mikey by the neck. He was yelling and bawling, and saying how he could “feel the vengeance of the Lord”.’

With a hearty chuckle she finished the tale. ‘I told him to shut up his yelling, or he would feel the vengeance o’ me yard-broom across his backside!’

Harry was laughing as he had not laughed for weeks, until he thought of poor Michael. ‘He wasn’t hurt bad, was he?’

‘Aw, bless ye, Harry Boy … sure he wasn’t hurt at all; or if he was, he didn’t admit it.’

Taking a breath, she went on, ‘The very next morning he was off for a game o’ pool with his mates, but before he left, he called Patrick Mason. He asked would he call round and see if he could mend the bed. A while later, Patrick came and took a look. “I’ll have it good as new in no time at all!” he said.’

There was a definite twinkle in her eye. ‘I asked him how much would it cost to have it mended, and he said four pounds, so I gave him six and told him to say it was beyond repair. So there it is! Everyone was happy. Michael had the satisfaction of knowing that he was a better man than the bed, Patrick found a few quid in his pocket, and I got the new bed I’d been after for years. So there youse have it!’

She laughed out loud. ‘Sure I couldn’t have planned the whole thing better if I’d tried.’ Making the sign of the cross on herself, she muttered humbly, ‘Poor Mikey … may the Lord rest his soul.’

‘And may the good Lord forgive you, Kathleen O’Leary.’ Harry mimicked her Irish accent well. ‘You’re a wicked woman, so ye are.’

Her burst of laughter was so infectious that Tom stirred in his sleep. ‘Away with ye, Harry Boy!’ she cried. ‘A woman has to beat the men at their own game, so she does.’

Her Irish eyes dimmed over. ‘All the same, it’s a pity he never lived long enough to enjoy the new bed,’ she sighed. ‘If he hadn’t gone into that beer-drinking contest, he might still be here to this very day.’ Then she gave a cheeky grin. ‘Mind you, I reckon he had a fine old life, and if you ask me, he’s up there with his mates – the lot of ’em drinking and carrying on like they ever did … bless their merry hearts!’

It was a tonic for Harry to hear her stories and her laughter, for it took him away from the grief and the loneliness of these past weeks. ‘You’ll never change, will you?’ he said affectionately. ‘Honestly, Kathleen, you can’t know how good it is to be here with you.’

Smiling bashfully, she brushed away his compliments. ‘I dare say the pair of youse are starving hungry, so while I go and get us a bite to eat, you’d best wake the bairn up, or he won’t sleep tonight.’

With that she left him to it, and hurried off to the kitchen.

Soon the little house was filled with the smells of wholesome good cooking. ‘Come on, you two.’ Harry was out in the back garden with Tom when she called them in. ‘The table’s all set and the food is ready, so it’s just the two of youse I’m waiting for.’ She ceremoniously ushered them inside, then told them to tuck in. ‘You’ve got fat pork sausages new from the butcher this very morning, with vegetables so fresh they stand up on the plate, and potatoes mashed from my very own kitchen garden.’ She gave Tom a wink. ‘I’ve got a juicy apple pie for afters,’ she whispered, ‘all smothered in thick creamy custard. What d’you think to that, eh?’

Tom whispered back, ‘Can I have a big piece with crust?’

Kathleen laughed aloud. ‘As big as ye like,’ she answered with a wink, and though he tried really hard, Tom could not manage a wink back, so he gave her a big gappy smile instead – which then opened the conversation as to how he lost his front tooth.

Tom explained that the fairies had taken the tooth and left him a whole shilling under his pillow, along with ‘a note, saying they were building me a new tooth straight away!’

‘Ah, well now, isn’t that grand?’ Kathleen gave a knowing wink at Harry, who was watching the two of them with a quieter heart than of late. ‘I’ve lost four back teeth meself, so I have,’ she said. ‘How much d’you think they’ll charge me to get new ones?’

Tom was amazed. ‘I don’t know.’ He frowned. ‘You’ve got big, grown-up teeth, and the fairies are only little.’ He looked at his father, then he looked at Kathleen, and in a sombre voice informed her, ‘Maybe you’d better go to the blacksmith.’

Trying not to laugh, Kathleen asked innocently, ‘The blacksmith, eh? And what does he do?’

‘He makes big shoes for big horses – I read it in the book Mammy got me for Christmas.’

For a second or two, the silence spoke volumes. ‘Oh, I see,’ said Kathleen, lightening the mood. ‘So you think I’m big as a horse, do you?’

‘Oh, no.’ Tom shook his head vehemently. ‘But he’s got bigger tools than the fairies, and he could make your big new teeth on his fire.’

‘Right.’ Kathleen plopped another sausage onto his empty plate. ‘So that’s what I’ll do then,’ she promised. ‘I’ll get my new teeth from the blacksmith. Shake on it?’ She held out her hand.

‘Shake on it!’ Tom’s happy grin said it all.

When conversation was done, and everyone was full to contentment, Kathleen left Tom and Harry chatting while she went upstairs. A few minutes later she returned with a flowery pinnie wrapped round her ample middle. ‘I’ve run a bath for the child,’ she told Harry, ‘so now you take it easy, while I get Tom ready for his bed.’

Dismissing Harry’s protests, she took the boy by the hand and chatted with him all the way up the stairs. ‘So now ye can tell me all about these fairies who had the cheek to take your lovely tooth and make you wait for a new one. If you ask me, they want a good telling off!’

Harry smiled at her antics. ‘She’s not changed,’ he chuckled to himself. ‘She’s still the same Kathleen as ever was.’

While Kathleen and Tom were getting to know each other, Harry set about clearing away the dishes and wiping down the table. He put the kettle on to boil water for the washing-up.

Kathleen was none too pleased when she bustled in. ‘Hey, you’re not here to do my job,’ she chided. ‘You leave that to me, and get yourself up them stairs. There’s a wee bairn in his bed, waiting to say goodnight to his daddy.’

Tom thanked her. ‘I’m surprised he let you wash him,’ he said. ‘It’s usually a big struggle at bathtime.’

‘Ah well now, the trick is to keep the water out of his eyes and keep him busy, with stories of hobgoblins and things of a child’s imagination.’ Regret coloured her voice. ‘I never had childer of my own, but I’ve looked after a few in my time, I can tell ye.’

‘Including me,’ he reminded her.

‘Oh, my!’ She had that mischievous look again. ‘So I did,’ she tutted. ‘Isn’t that dreadful? I’d completely forgotten about you.’

Smiling to himself, he crossed the room. ‘You’ll find him in the box room,’ she called out. ‘He’ll be watching for you, I’m sure.’

It was a while before Harry came down, and as he walked towards her, Kathleen thought he seemed more at ease. ‘Is the bairn sleeping?’ she asked.

‘Like he hasn’t slept since—’ He pulled himself up short. ‘Yes, he’s sleeping soundly, thanks to you and your magic stories.’

‘It’s always wise to have a few magic stories up your sleeve; you never know when you might need them,’ Kathleen said.

Harry glanced at the pile of dishes to be put away. ‘D’you need a hand?’

‘No, thank you. What I need is for you to sit down and put your feet up. Sure I’ll have these dishes sorted in no time, then, if you’re up to it, you and me will have a heart-to-heart. Would you like that? Or are you feeling a bit weary, what with the long drive an’ all?’

Harry was not ready for sleep. In fact, he desperately needed a catch-up with Kathleen. He had so many questions, and so much to tell. ‘Yes, I’d like that – if you’re sure?’

‘I said so, didn’t I?’ She shook her dishcloth at him. ‘Go on then. Take yourself away to the sitting room and I’ll be with you in no time at all.’

Harry gratefully took his leave. He went into the front room and sat awhile, thinking how welcoming Kathleen’s little house was. He thought about the past and the present and the future, and he grew increasingly restless. It was only a matter of minutes before he got out of the chair and, passing the kitchen, strolled out of the back door and into the garden where the evening shadows had begun to move in.

For what seemed an age he stood by the door, his gaze sweeping that pretty, tiny garden he had known so well as a boy.

Few things had changed. The apple tree was still there, its far-reaching branches touching the bedroom windows as always. The wooden gate that led onto the back lane was still wonky, and the bolt that secured it was still hanging by a thread.

The garden path was new though; where before it had been hardcore and broken concrete, it was now paved with pretty square blocks. The vegetable patch was obviously still in use, because the fork was standing up in the soil. And the patch of grass under the window was forever worn where Kathleen walked when cleaning the windows.

Walking to the far end of the garden on this, the last day of summer, he sat on the same iron bench that he had sat on as a teenager; though it was succumbing to rust in places. As he looked about at all the familiar things, he felt a great sense of homecoming.

He closed his eyes and he could see Judy, the girl who had awakened him to beauty and love, and whose image he had never really lost.

In that split second, steeped in memories, he could not see his beloved Sara. That was when the tears broke loose and he could not stop them. Instead he leaned forward, head in hands, and sobbed at the cruelty of it all. ‘Sara.’ He said her name over and over. He had never wanted anything more in his life than to see her right there, where he could stretch out his arms and hold her so tight she would never leave him again.

From the kitchen window Kathleen saw, and her heart ached for him. ‘Oh, dear boy,’ she murmured. ‘Stay strong. The pain will surely ease, but maybe not the loneliness … ever.’ She knew all about that, since the loss of her own dear Michael.

Not wanting to intrude on Harry’s private grief, she waited a while. She had the pot of tea all ready on the tray, and a plate of biscuits for dunking. Now though, she poured the tea down the sink and slipped the biscuits back into the box.

Going to the sitting room she took out a bottle of the finest brandy from the bottom cupboard, collected two glasses from her best cabinet and, armed with her cure for all ills, she made her way to the kitchen window. Harry, she could see, had come through a very bad time, and was only now appearing to be more in control of his emotions.

‘Ah! There y’are, Harry Boy,’ she slowed her step, wisely allowing him time to recover. ‘When I couldn’t find you in the house, I thought you might be in the garden.’

‘Sorry, Kathleen, I should have told you where I’d be.’ Thankful for her timely intervention, he suspected she had seen him, and was grateful that she made no mention of it.

Falling heavily onto the bench, she gave out a cry. ‘Jaysus, Mary and Joseph! It strikes cold to the nether regions, an’ no mistake!’

Harry grinned. ‘Here – swap places. I’ve warmed my seat up.’ He spied the bottle of brandy and the glasses. ‘So, what’s all this then?’

‘A party in a bottle,’ she laughed. ‘It’s September tomorrow, me laddie. The night air is a bit thin an’ we don’t want to end up with raging pneumonia, now do we, eh?’ She brandished the bottle. ‘This little beauty will chase away the cold, while we sit and talk.’

Placing both glasses in his fist, she told him, ‘Hold the little divils still while I open this ’ere bottle.’

She twisted with all her might until suddenly the top was out and the brandy breathing. ‘Nothing better than a drop o’ the good stuff to warm the cockles,’ she promised, pouring out two good measures.

That done, she replaced the top and stood the bottle on the ground beside her. ‘Bottoms up, Harry me boy!’ Raising her glass, she toasted, ‘Here’s to you and that darlin’ boy of yours – and brighter days ahead for us all.’

Harry drank to that. ‘To all of us! And you’re right,’ he recalled her earlier remark, ‘we do need to talk … if you’re not too tired, that is?’

‘I don’t mind if we sit out here all night,’ she replied. ‘It may be a bit nippy, but the moon is lovely and we’ve got our friend the brandy.’ She settled back in her seat. ‘You and me need to clear the air … especially you, Harry Boy. A trouble shared is a trouble halved. Isn’t that what they say?’

For a time they sat together, two old friends, thrown closer together by life’s cruelties. They had always been easy in each other’s company, and though the two of them had long been separated by time and distance, right now, seated together on that familiar iron bench in that little garden, it was as though they had never been apart.

‘I missed you, Harry Boy.’ Kathleen did not look up. Instead she took a sip of her brandy. ‘For a long time I waited for you to get in touch, after the war ended, or maybe turn up at the door, but you never did. When the years passed and there was no word, I didn’t know what to think. I had no idea where you were, or what you were doing after you were demobbed.’

Harry explained, ‘I just kept going. I didn’t know or care where I would end up.’ When Sara came on the scene, he was little more than a tramp. ‘You can’t imagine how often I wanted to get in touch, but I was too ashamed.’

‘Don’t fret about it,’ she chided. ‘You’re home now, you and little Tom.’ She glanced up at him, her voice charged with emotion. ‘Judy waited for you, every day she was at the window, hoping you’d come striding down the street.’

There was a moment of quiet, before Harry answered in a choked voice, ‘I never meant to hurt her. You know that, don’t you, Kathleen?’

‘I do, yes.’

‘I did love her … so very much.’

‘I know that too.’

‘Do you think I was wrong in leaving like that?’

After carefully considering his question, Kathleen answered in her usual forthright manner. ‘Yes, if truth be told, I do think you were wrong. But who could blame you? There you were, just a lad, when all’s said and done, and it must have seemed like you’d got the world on your shoulders. You weren’t ready or equipped to deal with what Judy told you.’

Harry admitted it. ‘I was knocked for six. I had no idea how to deal with it.’

‘I’m not surprised. What Judy did was silly, plain wrong – and you were right to feel afraid and deceived. But she did it out of love for you, Harry Boy. Oh, don’t get me wrong! I’m not denying that she created a frightening situation, and that the two of youse desperately needed someone to turn to. Thankfully, I was here for Judy, but you made it impossible for me to be there for you, and to tell you the truth, it took me a long time to forgive you for running off to enlist like that.’

When he made no comment, she went on, ‘You ought never to have gone away like that, in the depth of night, without telling a soul where you were going.’

She cast her mind back, to the way he and Judy had gone into the garden to discuss their future, and how he came back into the house, pale as a sheet and without a word to say. She heard him pacing his room half the night. In the morning when she called to him, he was already gone.

‘Kathleen?’

‘Yes?’

‘Do you honestly think it might have been better if I’d stayed?’

The little woman shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think that,’ she told him. ‘In fact, to tell you the truth, taking everything into consideration, I don’t believe you had much of a choice. I dare say you did the only thing you could … in the circumstances.’

Harry recalled the moment that Judy had delivered her shocking revelation. ‘Judy lied to me. Time and again, she deliberately deceived me. If she truly loved me, how could she do that?’

Even now, he could not believe that it had gone so far. ‘Fourteen,’ he groaned. ‘She was only fourteen! Why did she let me go on believing she was sixteen! Didn’t she realise I could have been sent to prison?’

That night, when Judy had confided in her, the very same thought had entered Kathleen’s mind. ‘I can’t condone what Judy did,’ she conceded, ‘but she loved you, Harry. She was obviously carried away by her feelings for you, and then it was too late to tell you she wasn’t old enough for a full relationship.’

‘If only she’d told me earlier, we could have put it all on a different footing. I loved her enough to wait until she was older. But she led me to believe that everything was all right and I, like a damned fool, swallowed every word she said.’ He shook his head. ‘It wasn’t just that she lied about her age,’ he confided. ‘That was bad enough, but the other thing …’ His guilt was tenfold. ‘I just couldn’t cope.’

Kathleen could see how deep it had gone with Harry, but from the anger and the hurt he was showing now, she was left in no doubt but that he still had feelings for Judy, every bit as much as he did back then.

‘She told me she had never loved anyone else, not in the way she loved you.’ Kathleen paused, before going on in a softer voice, ‘Deep down you already know that, don’t you, Harry?’

Harry had told himself the very same over the years. ‘What really matters is that I should have stayed and faced it like a man. The truth is, I didn’t know what to do. Like a coward, I panicked and ran.’ Agitated, he got up to pace back and forth like a trapped animal. ‘You think that too, don’t you, Kathleen – that I did a cowardly thing?’

Kathleen shook her head. ‘You’re wrong,’ she assured him. ‘You were a fine boy then, and you’re a fine man now. You were never a coward; you never could be, because it’s simply not in your make-up.’

‘So if it wasn’t cowardice, what was it that made me run? Why couldn’t I face it head on?’

‘Because the enormity of the situation was beyond you, that’s why.’

‘Did she tell you everything?’

Kathleen confirmed it. ‘The following day, when Judy realised you were gone, she told me everything. I’ll admit, I was just as shocked as you – on both counts! Like you, I assumed that she was at least sixteen or seventeen. She certainly looked it. None of us had any reason to doubt her word.’ She recalled the moment when Judy admitted to having lied about her age.

Then came the second bombshell, which rocked Kathleen to her roots, and there was something else too. All the while Judy was telling her, about the fact that she was only fourteen, and that Harry had made her with child, there was something about Judy’s story that made Kathleen feel uneasy.

To this day, she suspected that Judy had deliberately hidden the real truth from her, and from Harry.

Like Harry, Kathleen had always loved and trusted Judy, but on that occasion she was made to ask herself: what did they really know about Judy? After all, the Roberts family had not been in the street long enough for folks to really get to know them.

Nevertheless, her affection for the girl had not wavered.

Remembering now, she smiled. ‘From the very first I thought Judy was special. She was such a pretty, shy young thing who hardly had two words to say for herself. Of course, it was rumoured that her mother ruled the family with a rod of iron.’

Harry had heard that too. ‘Judy talked about her father a lot, but she hardly ever mentioned her mother. In fact, she hardly ever talked about her past, or where they’d come from. I got the impression that her mother kept her on a short string, that she didn’t care for her to meet other people.’

‘She always found a way to be with you though,’ Kathleen reminded him. She made a wide gesture with her hands. ‘Oh, and didn’t she love this little garden! The very first time you brought her home, you spent the whole evening, talking and laughing and making plans, here on this very bench.’

Harry recalled every magical minute of it. ‘Like you say, Kathleen, she really was very special.’ His manner darkened. ‘And when she needed me most, I let her down.’

‘Maybe you did, but if Judy had not lied to you about her age, the whole sorry matter would never have happened.’ She called him to sit down beside her again, then announced: ‘I’m the one who should be sorry.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Because neither of you found it in your heart to trust me. If you’d come to me, I might have been able to find a solution.’

‘What solution, Kathleen?’ Harry was on his feet again. ‘I loved Judy more than I can say. I thought she loved me too, but how could she, if she was prepared to let me go on believing she was old enough to have a full relationship? She knew I could have been taken away by the authorities, and still she went on lying to me.’

He sat beside her. ‘She was fourteen,’ he groaned again. ‘Can you imagine how I felt when she told me that, and then, as if that wasn’t enough to contend with, she told me she was pregnant with my child!’

Even after all this time, he could still feel the horror of that night. ‘She said if her mother found out, she would kill us both! I know I should have reacted differently, but all I could think of was to get away. Oh, it wasn’t all about her parents, or the police. It was about Judy being so young, and the child.’

‘She told me that you gave her the money to pay for an illegal abortion.’

Harry was deeply ashamed. ‘I didn’t know what else to do, and she insisted it was for the best. But she was wrong. We both were.’

He walked to the window where he stood silent for a while. ‘Believe me, Kathleen.’ He turned to address her. ‘I swear I would give anything to turn the clock back.’

‘Sure, don’t I know that already?’ She had seen the regret in his face and in his voice whenever he mentioned Judy’s name. ‘It’s all in the past now. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. You went on to make a new life and so did Judy. Don’t punish yourself, Harry Boy. You need to remember, you were not alone in making the situation. So, please, listen to me.’

She tugged at his sleeve. ‘If you don’t let the bad memories go, son, they could well destroy you.’

He gave a harsh laugh. ‘You could be right.’

‘Don’t forget, you have the boy to think of. Moreover, from what I’ve learned of Sara, she would not want you to torment yourself this way, would she, eh?’

‘No.’ Harry was brought up sharp by Kathleen’s wise words. ‘Sara would not want that.’

‘It seems you found a good woman in her. Tell me, Harry. What was she really like?’

The memory of Sara was bittersweet for Harry. ‘She was wonderful. Understanding … forgiving. If you’d known her, you would have loved her.’

Until now, Harry had not realised how much he needed to talk about Sara. ‘When I saw the relationship was getting serious, I told her all about Judy. I was afraid of losing her, but knew I had to take that chance.’

‘So – did you tell her everything – about the bairn, and how Judy lied about her age?’

‘I did, yes. After what happened with Judy, I was determined from the start that there would be no secrets between me and Sara.’

‘Sure, that’s as good a way as any to start a relationship.’ Kathleen fully approved.

‘I told her how Judy’s family was new into the street and that no one knew much about them. I described how we were drawn to each other from the first moment we met, the day she dropped all her shopping right in front of me. I explained how we naturally drifted into a serious relationship, and that it never occurred to me to ask about Judy’s age, especially when she had the look and manner of a much older girl.’

He could picture Judy in his mind so clearly. ‘I told her how sincere and lovely Judy was, and how for some reason known only to herself, she let me believe she was older than her years.’

‘You did right to tell Sara.’ Kathleen had no doubts on that score. ‘As for Judy, we were all fooled with regards to her age. I mean, she never went to school, at least not as far as we knew. So, it was natural to assume that she had left all that behind her. Anyway, lots of people left school at fourteen.’

‘But I should have known,’ Harry groaned. ‘Somehow, I should have known.’ He recalled one particular thing that had bothered him at the time, but Judy had explained it away, and he had had no reason to doubt her explanation.

Now though, having recalled the incident, he began to wonder.

He chose not to disclose this to Kathleen because it was a delicate, womanly thing, and he would find it embarrassing to talk about.

The truth was, that first and only time he and Judy made love, she was unusually nervous; almost as though she didn’t want to. In fact, he was so concerned he backed off, but Judy was adamant. ‘It’s what I want,’ she insisted.

Afterwards though, he felt as if he had betrayed her.

As it turned out, in the end, it was Judy who betrayed him.

Kathleen asked now, ‘How did Sara react to what you told her?’

‘Much like you … with compassion. She took it in her stride and urged me to track Judy down. “Put it to rest, once and for all,” is what she said, but at the time, I thought it might be best to leave it behind us.’

‘So, what made you come back now, after all this time?’

‘It was Sara. When we were told she was not long for this world, she made me promise that I would contact you, and ask if Tom and I could come home.’

‘She was very wise, your Sara.’

Harry chuckled. ‘Sometimes, when I thought I was on my own, she would be watching, almost as though she knew what I was thinking. She felt my guilt. She knew I wanted to make amends with Judy, but didn’t know how.’ He was convinced of it. ‘Otherwise, why would she be so insistent that Tom and I should come back here?’

Practical as ever, Kathleen went on to dash his hopes. ‘Maybe it was all for nothing,’ she suggested thoughtfully. ‘Especially with Judy long gone from the street.’

Harry could not hide his disappointment. ‘Where did she go?’

‘I don’t know. All I know is after you’d gone away, she came to see me – in a frantic state she was. She told me everything. She admitted that she was only fourteen, and that she was with child. She said you had given her money and she’d already arranged to visit some old woman who, she claimed, had a reputation of dealing with unwanted babies. I tried my best to stop her. I even threatened to go and see her parents, but she warned me not to, because if her mother found out, she would skin her alive. So, I offered to find her a private clinic, if she really thought that was the right thing to do.’

‘So, what did she do?’ Harry’s guilt was tenfold.

‘I truly believed she was listening to what I had to say. I got her to promise not to do anything until she’d thought it through. I asked her to come back as soon as she felt able, and between us, we would find a way to deal with it.’

Saddened, she shrugged her shoulders. ‘When I didn’t see her for a while, I assumed she was still giving it some serious thought. Then a short time later, she told me she had already been to this woman, and that everything was all right now.’

Harry blamed himself. ‘If I hadn’t given her the money, she would never have done it.’ Now he wanted to know, ‘Where can I find this woman who gets rid of unwanted babies?’

Kathleen bristled. ‘If I knew that, Harry Boy, I would be speaking to the authorities.’

‘And are you really sure that Judy was all right afterwards?’

Kathleen nodded. ‘Like she said, everything was dealt with.’

‘Do you have any idea where she is now?’

‘’Fraid not. All I know is, soon after Judy came to see me, she and her family moved away. I don’t know why they left the street, or where they went. If I did I would tell you, so I would.’

Harry believed she was telling the truth.

‘How can I find her?’ he asked now. ‘Where should I look?’

‘Do you really want my opinion?’

‘Of course.’

‘Leave it be. Let her go, Harry Boy. Sometimes, raking over old coals can get you badly burned. They may look dead, but somewhere underneath, the flame often burns on.’

‘Kathleen!’ Harry felt that she was hiding something. ‘Do you know where Judy is?’

The little woman shook her head. ‘Wherever she is now, she’s obviously managed to put it all behind her. Happen you must do the same. Years have passed and things have changed. It’s time to look forward now. You need to build a future, for you and your son.’

The two of them talked well into the night, moving back indoors when it grew too chilly outside.

Harry wondered if there was work to be found locally, and Kathleen gave him a few pointers. ‘Well, there’s the Plysu factory in Woburn Sands,’ she said. ‘They’ve extended the business and need more people. Oh, and I heard that Jacobs’ Store in Bedford needs a new tallyman. Old Ernie Wright’s done the job for over twenty years, but he’s retired now.’

She was convinced. ‘That one should suit you down to the ground. You’ll get a good wage and you’ll be out and about, meeting all kinds of folks. What’s more, you’ll be able to work out your own route and timetable.’

She laughed out loud. ‘Old Ernie met a lot of naughty women on his rounds, including his second wife. He used to stop at every house and have a cuppa … though he never accepted a slice o’ cake until he got here.’ She gave another cheery, infectious giggle. ‘That’s because he knew the best cake lived at my house!’

Harry was highly amused, and for a time they got sidetracked; but then he needed to bring the conversation back to work. ‘So, what is a tallyman?’ he asked. If it was anything to do with figures he’d be fine, as he had often worked as a bookkeeper after leaving the Army.

‘If you call at the store, sure they’ll tell you all about it. And you know what? I reckon you’re just the fella they’re looking for.’

‘Oh, you do, do you?’ He was certainly interested. ‘In that case, I might just go and have a word with them.’

Later that night, when Harry and Tom were fast asleep, Kathleen sat at the kitchen table supping her bedtime drink.

In her mind she went over the conversation with Harry. ‘It’s a curious thing,’ she muttered, clearing away her cup, ‘how the love and devotion of two young people can create such a lifetime of heartache.’

Turning out the lights, she shuffled her way up the stairs and into her room, where she softly closed the door.

A moment later, with her arms raised to close the curtains, she took a few seconds to marvel at the night skies. She had always thought the heavens were uniquely magnificent. With a myriad of twinkling diamonds against a forever carpet of midnight blue, there could be no other creation like it in the whole world.

She stayed awhile, letting the beauty sink into her senses, then she quietly addressed the heavens. ‘Well, Judy, here we are,’ she whispered. ‘Your boy is home again. Sure, he’s a tortured man, and he’s looking to find his first love. So, what are we going to do, Judy m’darlin’? How will it all end, I wonder. And where are you now? What have you done with your life? More than that, did ye find happiness … or are ye haunted, just like yer man?’

She sat on the edge of the bed for a long time, thinking and wondering; recalling the very last conversation she had had with Judy.

After a time, she undressed and slid between the sheets, but she was deeply troubled, and not only because of the things she and Harry had openly discussed.

More importantly, it was the very things she had deliberately kept from Harry, that wounded her most and which made her deeply ashamed for the first time in her life. Bad things touching on abortion, family and wickedness. And especially the fact that Judy had come to see her another time; with news that had lifted her old heart in forgiveness.

She had toyed with the idea of telling Harry, then thought it kinder, and wiser, to let him believe what she had just now told him. It wasn’t her secret to reveal. Moreover, her suspicions were now substantiated. Yet doubts still tormented her.

She still didn’t have the whole story. At one point she had almost got the truth out of Judy; until the poor girl grew afraid and ran away.

‘Harry has a right to know my thoughts,’ she whispered to the darkness, ‘but oh, dear Lord, how can I ever be sure?’

She knew one thing though. Harry had already been the victim of deception. If the truth was even more disturbing, and Judy had not entrusted him with it, she would not be surprised if he turned his back on her and Judy for all time.

Turning over, she closed her eyes, but sleep eluded her. There were things on her mind that should be spoken out loud.

After a time, she climbed out of bed and went softly on tippy-toes down the stairs. She entered the kitchen, closed the door behind her and made herself another cup of cocoa. Then she sat at the table, rolling the cup about in her hands and thinking what to do.

‘Not telling him of my suspicions is tantamount to betraying him yet again!’ she chided herself. ‘That’s exactly what Judy did, and that’s what drove him away for all these years. He deserves to know!’ The truth played heavy on her mind.

She was all for telling him, and then she was not, and now she was desperately trying to justify keeping him in the dark. ‘If I tell him now, it will cause more heartache, so it will.’

Pushing her cocoa aside, she left it untouched and crept back to her bed. Rightly or wrongly, her decision was made. She intended to keep her own counsel, for the alternative would be too cruel for everyone concerned.

‘He’ll find her, or he won’t!’ she muttered as she clambered back under the bedclothes. ‘Either way, I can’t be the one to stir up trouble. He’s had enough upset in his life, without me adding to his burden now.’

Before drifting into a restless sleep, she turned her sad gaze to the window.

‘Forgive me,’ she begged some unseen entity. ‘I can’t voice my thoughts just now, but for Harry’s sake, I only hope and pray I’m doing the right thing by remaining silent.’