Читать книгу On the Goose - Josie Penny - Страница 8

Falling in Love

I fell in love with Keith Penny from the very first time I met him. I have heard many times since those tender years that love at first sight sometimes does indeed happen.

At the risk of being teased by his buddies, we met almost every night at Saunders’ Restaurant. I didn’t know at the time that Keith had dated several of the local girls, most of whom were tall and beautiful. Once I found out I kept thinking, why he would want to have anything to do with such a little person as me? We continued to date every night through August and September. We became a couple and I didn’t care what any of the other so-called pals were saying or what any of the girls were talking about. I was very much in love!

We dated through the fall of 1960. I did my work during the day and at night, if I wasn’t going out with him, I would walk up the road around the corner to his house and wait for a glimpse of him through his window. I’d watch him comb his hair and put his Hudson’s Bay striped jacket on and head for the door. I wondered where he was going. However, I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to come out of the bushes and face him. I didn’t tell him this until years later. We spent a lot of time at the movies, and jostling with his buddies. We went to house parties and we made love in the twilight.

In this small town of Happy Valley, it was impossible to hide anything from anybody. Because there was only one hangout, it didn’t take long for Murray to find out. He knew what was happening and I knew he knew, but I was smitten with Keith. As far as I was concerned Murray and I were through. But, how would I tell him? How was I going to just drop him now? Well I didn’t tell him. I just couldn’t! I couldn’t face the pain I knew would be on his face. So I just kept going out with Keith.

I was walking to the restaurant a few days later when Murray came by on his motorcycle.

“What’s goin’ on Josie?” he asked.

“I want to break up, Murray. I have a new boyfriend now.”

“Ya, I heard about your new boyfriend,” he mumbled. “Then we’re through?”

I shuffled the sand with my foot, not knowing where to look or what to say. Again, guilt engulfed me as I tried to soften the reality of what was happening. My mind was racing. Didn’t I deserve to be with whomever I wanted to be with? Hadn’t I earned the freedom I’d longed for for so long? We were at a loss for words. There was no argument, no confrontation, just the saddest look in his eyes I’d ever seen.

“I love Keith,” I finally told Murray.

He drove silently away.

Keith and I had a short but very active courtship. He took me to lots of movies and afterward we would go “parkin’.”

Keith and I started going to church together. We were even talked into selling church calendars door to door! This pleased his parents greatly, and gave them confidence that we were on the right track. Even though I never felt accepted by them, they did their best to make me feel all right; to make me feel accepted. But, unfortunately for me, I never felt it. I felt inferior and that was that.

I was not prepared for what happened next. When I missed my monthly period, I had no idea why. I knew nothing about the cycle of life other than what my friend Linda Mullins had told me in Cartwright several years earlier. She didn’t go so far as to say what would happen if I became pregnant. So, when I missed two periods, I became very concerned. What would I do? Where would I go if I lost my job? Would Keith leave me? So many questions. I had no one to answer them, and no one to confide in. I hadn’t even a single friend yet. So, when I missed the third month, I had to tell Mrs. Crawford.

“It sounds like you might be pregnant,” she said.

“Pregnant?” It took a few seconds for that word to register in my brain. Pregnant?

“You’re going to have a baby, Josie. You had better go to the clinic and check it out.”

I couldn’t be pregnant! I’d just met Keith. I’d only been here a few months. I was just starting my new life in this place.

Keith knew even less than me about such basic things as the monthly cycle or fertility. He had never even heard the word “pregnant” before. When I missed the fourth month I had no choice but to tell him. I knew he was picking me up for the Christmas party at the town hall that night, and I would tell him then. He picked me up in his car and I crawled inside and slammed the door. I was shaking from fear of what he would say or do. But something told me that I had to press on.

“I think I’m pregnant, Keith,” I blurted.

“What! What do you mean pregnant? Whass dat?”

“I haven’t had a period for almost four months and I think I’m gonna have a baby.”

He went silent, trying to absorb what I’d just told him. Trying to understand what it all meant.

“Tis not mine then, dat’s for damn sure. You’ve been out with dozens of fellers and it could be anybody’s!” he screamed.

“No, Keith! I haven’t been with a single person since I met you. You were the only one since our very first date.”

“Did you go to the nurse yet? How can you be sure?”

“I’m goin’ tomorrow,” I murmured through my tears.

What will I do if he leaves me? I thought. I’ll lose my job. I’ll have no place to live, no one to turn to. I was terrified, alone, and having those terrible feelings of abandonment and rejection again. Then I thought of Aunt Winnie. She wouldn’t turn me away, would she? But I didn’t want to live with her. She had enough to worry about with a whole bunch of youngsters and a husband, who, in my opinion, drank too much. They didn’t look like they were very well off, either.

My mind circled back to the present. What have I got myself into now? I thought. Where did my plans of freedom and a carefree life in this big town go? Suddenly my dreams of fun, of freedom, of everlasting happiness with the person I loved were blown to smithereens. I thought of what Mom might say. I was glad I wasn’t home to hear her yelling and screaming, her cursing and swearing, her degrading comments. I can deal with this, I thought. I have to!

After that initial fight Keith seemed to change. He became kinder and somewhat compassionate toward me. There was no mention of the baby and we continued to spend time together for the rest of the fall and into the winter. I was so distraught that I don’t remember anything about my first Christmas away from home. Where were all my dreams? Where was my tall, dark, and handsome man who would take care of me forever?

I did a lot of babysitting after work because I was unable to say no to people. One night while we were babysitting for the Seawards I was browsing through the Simpsons-Sears catalogue. We came upon the wedding dresses. Keith pointed to the most expensive one there, $29.95, and asked, somewhat fearfully, “Do you think you could still fit into one of those?”

I didn’t know what to say. Was he proposing? I simply said, “I don’t know. I guess I could order one and see if it fits.”

I went home full of hope. I did love him very much. The feeling of abandonment lifted to a controllable level, and I fell asleep thinking for the first time in weeks of the tiny baby growing inside of me.