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Chapter 18 E-mail Record

February 18, 2008, 9:26 A.M.

To Elaine Pagels

I was about to write to you to say that quite suddenly Ray passed away last night at about 1 A.M.

I am too exhausted now to speak but Jeannie is coming to go with me to a Pennington funeral home to make arrangements.

I have been thinking of you as a young—very young—widow and mother. I have seen in you the transcendence of this unspeakable wound and yet the shadow of it, which can never be forgotten.

Much love,

Joyce

February 18, 2008.

To Mary Morris

Ray died at 1 A.M. this morning in the medical center of a terrible pneumonia. I am utterly dazed and will get back to you [regarding an interview for the Italian Storie] some other time.

Much love,

Joyce

February 19, 2008.

To Richard Ford

Thanks, Richard. Much of my trouble—“trouble”?—is physical/ emotional—I just feel exhausted, groggy around people and want to crawl away somewhere and sleep.

But I know that you are right. I am trying.

Love,

Joyce

February 19, 2008.

To Sandra Gilbert

I was thinking of you, and your wonderful lost husband . . . It was something similar—though not a “wrongful death” I’m sure—Ray had been hospitalized for pneumonia—an e-coli infection which is one of the worst—and was definitely “improving” day by day—due to be released to rehab soon—then suddenly, I had a call at 12:30 A.M. to come quickly to the hospital—where he had just been pronounced dead. A secondary infection had caused cardiopulmonary arrest, and he was gone.

It is just utterly unbelievable. I feel so completely alone.

Though surrounded by the most wonderful friends.

Thank you for writing. Much love,

Joyce

February 19, 2008.

To Gary Mailman

I have here the document “Last Will & Testament” of Raymond Smith . . . What does one do with the will, as a document? Do I present it somewhere? I’ve been told that I have to take “death certificates” to something called a surrogate court (?) in Trenton soon. Jeanne Halpern has offered to accompany me which is astonishingly wonderful of her.

How grateful we are that you came through your hospital siege. . . . I truly did think that Ray was, too. Even after death he looked not ill at all, quite handsome, his face unlined and peaceful. In the hospital room, all the staff had left, and he was alone in the bed without the IV fluids and the oxygen mask, and the beautiful vase of flowers that you and Emily had sent was on a table just beside him. It is the most haunting memory I will ever have.

Any [legal] advice you can give will be so much appreciated,

Joyce

February 19, 2008.

To Gloria Vanderbilt

[Ray] passed away at 1 A.M. of February 18—just yesterday!

It is so hard to comprehend.

I will write to you later. I would love to see you. I am inundated with tasks to be done—like a zombie plodding through the interminable day—yesterday was a nightmare that went on—and on—and on. There does not seem to be much purpose to my life now except these meaningless but necessary tasks (like speaking with a funeral director, buying a cemetery plot, looking for the Last Will & Testament.)

But you are a solace just by existing, vividly in my thoughts if not here before me.

Much love,

Joyce

February 19, 2008.

To Eleanor Bergstein

Eleanor, I am not good on the phone right now. I am overwhelmed and stunned and trying to keep sane by doing a multiplicity—an infinity—of small necessary tasks. Ray died only yesterday morning—so much has happened since then, it seems unbelievable.

I know that you lost your mother and father long ago. What a raw terrible wound that must have been. Losing a spouse of 47 years is like losing a part of yourself—the most valuable part. What is left behind seems so depleted, broken.

Thank you so much for your love and your friendship.

Joyce

February 20, 2008.

To Dan Halpern

There are bouts of utter loneliness and a sense of purposelessness. But I had a lovely evening with Ron and Susan, though it was strange that Ray wasn’t there, and Jeanne called this morning, and tomorrow I will be at your house with Emily & Gary & (evidently) Gloria.

Jeanne and Gary are giving me helpful advice re. a lawyer and the “probate” about which I know nothing.

This house is so lonely! It’s almost unbearable. But I will bear it . . .

I am so grateful for your and Jeanne’s friendship and for other friends who have been so supportive.

Much love,

Joyce

February 19, 2008.

To Jeanne Halpern

I like and need your presence when I am with people, I feel so easily breakable and I think that you can gauge these matters. I am so devastated, I’d just been listening to old messages—“old” meaning today and yesterday—since I rarely pick up the phone—there must have been fifteen calls and the last message (which was the earliest recorded, on Sunday afternoon) was from Ray, when I’d been en route to the hospital. I was stunned to hear his voice . . . now it is on the tape, the last I will ever hear of his voice. It is so utterly shattering. He sounded so good on the phone and was looking forward to seeing me. It is unbelievable that about 8 hours later he was dead.

Much love,

Joyce