Читать книгу Your Best Life: Pathways to Happiness - Judith PhD Coche PhD - Страница 4

INTRODUCTION

“Skill makes love unending.”

- Ovid

I began writing a column for the residents of Cape May County in 2007 at the suggestion of Joe Zelnick, a beloved journalist who died too soon. The goal was to educate the residents of Cape May County about issues in mental health so that they could live their best lives. To keep it simple, I call the column, “Making Life Work.”

Beginning a column felt a little like standing at the top of a mountain and singing a little melody into the wilderness. I was able to voice anything at all, but had no clue whether anybody was paying attention. At first the folks who told me how much they loved my column were personal friends, so I was not convinced of a readership. But copy editor Joan Nash supported my efforts, so I kept writing. In the second year, there was a noticeable stir among a forming readership. I would go to dinner at a local club, be introduced to someone I had never met, and hear “Oh! Aren’t you the person who writes the column, you’re a... you’re a.... are you a psychologist?”

Now, six years later, I know folks read “Making Life Work.” Not long ago, a stranger called to ask for an appointment with me. When I asked whether she wanted to know something about me, she said “Not if you write your own columns. Do you?”. When I said I did, she replied, “Then I know you are the right person for me to work with. I really like your columns because you help me to go deeper inside myself and leave me feeling better than I did before I read your column.”

2013 marks the 35th anniversary of The Coche Center, LLC, a Practice in Clinical Psychology that specializes in helping individuals, couples and families maximize their lives. To mark this special event, it seemed fitting to honor our clients by sharing some of their stories, which have been fictionalized before publishing them in my column. Each column in this book highlights an aspect of optimal living. My goal is to make it very easy for the readier to grasp complex ideas, and remember them days later. 800 words can be ingested over half a bagel. The trick is to create a thread of meaning that leaves you, the reader, with something to consider for the rest of the day. I’ve always believed that plain language is the most powerful form of communication : saying something simply is more challenging than cloaking it in academic rhetoric. The columns speak simply.

People seek professional help with their life because they get stuck in a life issue and need to feel happier. In each column I address one of the five key concepts in creating PERMAnent wellbeing. I borrowed this list from Dr Martin Seligman and our mutual students of Positive Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania Medical School and Graduate Psychology departments, where I teach Psychiatric Residents and Psychology Graduate Students. As you read, I lead you into the uplifting world of positive emotions, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and accomplishment. In the twenty or so columns ahead, you catch a glimpse of how folks use their own internal and interpersonal tools to make life sing for them despite the tricky challenges they face.

Clients have struggled in my office since 1978 to wrap their brains and hearts around ways to change in desired directions. While changing, they have said amazing things about their own growth. In the final pages of the book, I share with you a few of the one liners from our clients about their own growth.

I hope that you find moments of pleasure and meaning in these brief essays. I hope they enable you to capitalize on the strength inside of you, so that you too may live your best life.

YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF YOUR LIFE

“Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, here I am. Send me.”

-Isaah 6:8 p 181

Perfectly decked out in a navy suit that complemented his graying temples and steel blue eyes, Brad chose his words carefully. “We earn plenty of money as financial advisors but we work too long and hard. We have a summer home we rarely get to. We deserve to be happier. I want us to live on less money and retire by 55 so that we can enjoy our lives together. Who knows how long we will live? Let’s cut back. We deserve to flourish in our lives.”

Ann, tall, lithe and elegant, listened. Each time Brad brought up this theme she reminded him that she had grown up in financial need, and she loved her work. But ever since Brad had read the psychological research that tells us that money is not highly related to happiness, Brad had become tenacious about creating an optimal life without wealth. Accomplished at sales presentations, he made an impressive pitch. As the three of us sat together week after week, he did influence her towards shifting her primary motivation from material comfort to well being.

Curiosity engaged, Ann wanted to understand the major concepts behind Brad’s aspirations, but she worried that he might spin the facts to be more convincing. Because she trusted my knowledge of the field, she turned to me. “Judith, I want to know more about the ingredients that go into being satisfied with life. Is there a list or something? Do we even know?”

“Ann, I can highlight the major ideas about what helps us to flourish in our lives. The list makes perfect sense. We surmise that there are five properties that go with feeling daily well-being. Each of these ways of being are so satisfying that we want to be involved in them simply because they feel good. I remember these activities through their first initials, which spell PERMA.”

•Positive emotion: When we concentrate on creating plea-sure, comfort and a warm feeling inside, we create the very cornerstone of experiencing well being. We stop planning and simply flow with the pleasant feeling state. Sometimes we even experience ecstasy. A bubbly Jacuzzi or dancing with someone you love might create this for you.

•Engagement: When we are fully engaged in something, time stops and we can lose ourselves in the activity. We do not bother to stop to reflect or to think. When Brad is running in a marathon, he is fully engaged.

•Relationships: We actually know that happiness is about be-ing with other people. People you love are the best antidote to feeling badly. And doing kind acts, like bringing flowers to a sick friend, usually creates a short burst of well-being.

•Meaning: We need meaning in our lives. We need to work towards something we believe in. “Brad places great meaning in molding a best life for you and for him. Ann, you find meaning in helping others make money. For most of us, building such strong relationships provides optimal meaning.”

•Accomplishment: It feels good to set and achieve a goal. Some of us want to earn enough money to later donate to worthy causes. Others of us get a sense of achievement from collecting sea glass or running a marathon. The joy is actually in exerting mastery over our environment. We achieve because it feels great to achieve.

These five characteristics of people who flourish give us clues about how to have a terrific life day after day. Folks who flourish are optimistic, self-reliant, resilient to stress, and successful in creating vibrant human relationships.

But the best news of all is that we can train people to flourish. We think of this as psychological fitness, whether this fitness be related to emotional fitness, social resilience, spiritual depth, optimal physical health, or family vibrancy. As Gandhi said, we can actually become the embodiment of the change we want to see in the world. As pie-in-the-sky as this sounds, Gandhi’s statement can function as a wonderful road map for optimal life.

A way that I think about this is that we are able to take ownership and to become the author of our lives. We can turn trauma into growth. We can become fully accountable. The Bible tells us that when God asked Isaiah whom to send into a dangerous situation requiring bravery, vision and leadership, Isaiah replied, “Here I am. Send me.”

To consider: Am I on the road to flourishing in my life? How might my life improve if I trained myself to be more accountable and have more meaningful relationships with those I love?