Читать книгу The Awakening Of Miss Henley - Julia Justiss - Страница 15

Needing to create order out of the chaos of questions and alternatives racing through her head, Emma set out for the park the next morning at her usual early hour, despite a chilly mist. The session with her mother had shaken all her expectations and, as that meeting had not taken place until just before they left for Lady Mansfield’s ball last night, she’d had no time yet to sort them out.

Unfortunately, this being a day on which both Olivia and Sara would be preparing to make calls with their respective chaperons, there could be no luring them away for a consultation at Gunter’s.

She was silently bemoaning how much she missed having her friends’ counsel when, from out of the swirling mist, she spied Lord Theo on his gelding. Her spirits soared as a little voice whispered, You could talk to him.

Or you could exhibit a modicum of dignity and discretion, and ride the other way, a sardonic voice answered back.

Before she could take that wiser course, Lord Theo happened to glance in her direction. When he recognised her and smiled, she couldn’t help smiling back. Nor could she make herself give him only a wave and ride off.

Instead, summoning just enough restraint to keep herself from trotting over to meet him, she pulled up her horse and waited.

Though she would never admit it to him, he having enough admirers already to sing his praises and inflate his already high opinion of himself, he was charming, she thought as he approached. He was also undeniably handsome, sitting astride his horse with ease, impeccably turned out in sober riding gear, a stray lock of dark hair that made one’s fingers itch to comb through it shadowing his forehead under the fashionable beaver hat.

An image guaranteed to fill a maiden with longing—even a rational, realistic one like her, she acknowledged ruefully as every foolish, feminine part of her tingled with anticipation.

But slavish admiration wasn’t what he expected from her—or what she would ever be prepared to offer him. Damping down the tingling as much as she was able, she gave him a cool nod as he halted beside her.

‘Clearing your head of brandy fumes again?’

He grinned. ‘And cigar smoke, after a successful night at cards. A pleasant good morning to you, Miss Henley. How fresh you look on this misty day.’

‘Trying to shame me by giving me a polite and complimentary greeting after my abrupt and unflattering one?’

‘My, my, we are sensitive this morning! What have I done this time to incur your disapproval?’ he asked, a wry expression replacing the smile.

‘Incur my disapproval? Nothing more than the usual.’

‘Are you sure? Because I got the distinct impression that, rather than ride with me, you were prepared to gallop off in the opposite direction. I must have offended you deeply if you almost preferred avoiding me to blistering my ears.’

Her distress must be deeper than she’d thought if her face had mirrored her feelings that transparently, she thought, dismayed. Before she could pull herself together and find a flippant reply, he continued, ‘Or is it that you’ve had that little talk with Lady Henley?’

Her feelings still raw, she fumbled to come up with an answer. Her gaze rising to meet his, she saw real sympathy there, which only increased her inner turmoil. While she hesitated, he said quietly, ‘Was it as bad as you feared?’

The memory of her surprise, chagrin and uncertainty tightened her chest, until the swelling need to give it voice made her feel she might explode. Her intention to remain dignified and distant struggled to resist it and was knocked flat.

‘Worse,’ she capitulated on a sigh.

‘Then you must tell me what happened. Shall we walk the horses?’

Her surrender complete, she nodded as he guided his mount to fall in step beside hers, her groom dropping back to follow at a discreet distance.

‘So, how worse? More sobbing recriminations? Did she wash her hands of you?’

‘No, quite the contrary, which is what was so confounding! Nothing followed the usual pattern; there were no tears, no maid waving a vinaigrette, no bewailing her undutiful and incomprehensible daughter.’

After pausing a moment, frowning as she recalled the scene, she continued, ‘When I finally went in to see her, she simply motioned me to a seat. Before I could gird myself to Confess All, she said in the calmest voice that she knew I’d refused another offer of marriage. Then, instead of the explosion of tears and recriminations I expected, she…apologised!’

‘Apologised?’ Lord Theo echoed, looking as surprised as she had been. ‘For what?’

‘Pushing Mr Null—Nullford to propose. She said she actually agreed with me that he was a poor match for an intelligent woman. That she knew I thought her silly and flighty for devoting her life to society’s trivia, ignoring the great political issues I find so compelling. She then went on, in the softest, saddest tones I’ve ever heard her utter, to tell me how much she loves me, how the one last, great desire of her life is to see me safe and happy. That she understands I have the funds to secure my future and support a household on my own and an important purpose that drives me, but that she fears a life without companionship, passion and children would end up being so cold and sterile that she’d wanted to do everything she could to prevent it—even grasp at a straw as flimsy as Nullford.’

Emma shook her head, the shock and guilt of her mother’s confession roiling in her stomach again. ‘I hardly knew what to say. Because I have secretly thought her frivolous, shallow and selfish. I felt…terrible.’

‘It is hard to be angry with someone who declares her last wish is for one to be happy.’

Emma nodded. ‘She left me with all my usual arguments thwarted. What could I do but apologise back, for being so undutiful and unappreciative a daughter?’

‘You didn’t, I hope, feel so terrible that you were tempted to recall Mr Null.’

Trust Lord Theo to come up with something that would make her smile. ‘Nothing could make me feel that terrible,’ she assured him. ‘Mama even admitted that, save for the children it gave her and much as she’d been urging me to it, she herself had not found marriage very…fulfilling. That it didn’t fire her with the enthusiasm she sees in me when I talk about my work for the Ladies’ Committee.’

‘A handsome concession!’

‘Oh, there’s more.’

‘More?’ Lord Theo clapped a hand to his chest theatrically. ‘I’m not sure my heart can withstand the shock.’

Emma laughed ruefully. ‘I wasn’t sure mine could, either. I would never have believed such words could issue from the mouth of my beautiful, fashionable, oh-so-conventional mother. But she said she thinks me brave to want to stand on my own, without the status and protection of a husband, whereas she has never been strong enough to manage without her circle of admirers. That she is proud that I want to step outside the normal female role and do something to better the world.’

‘She approves of you eschewing marriage?’ Lord Theo shook his head sceptically. ‘You truly think she believes that? Or is she the clever one, playing devil’s advocate to lure you into being more compliant?’

‘Since Mama so seldom speaks of what is in her heart, there’s no way I can be certain,’ Emma allowed. ‘She seemed sincere enough, but she did ask if I’d agree to a bargain.’

‘Ah, now the trap is baited!’

‘How cynical you are!’ she exclaimed.

‘Perhaps,’ he said, his voice turning serious. ‘But I find that cynicism has protected me far better than innocence or gullibility would.’

‘I hope I am never so jaded!’ she said loftily—before ruining the effect by admitting, ‘However, Mama being Mama, I am a trifle suspicious as well.’

‘So, what did this bargain entail?’

‘She said if I would agree to finish out the Season, she would support my efforts to look about for a house of my own—as long as I go about the business discreetly. She also promised she would not try to manoeuvre any other gentleman into making me an offer. If, by the Season’s end, I haven’t found a suitor I truly want to marry, she will release me to live the life I want, and wish me happy with all her heart. Now, can you find a “trap” in that?’

Lord Theo gazed into the distance, his expression considering. ‘Very well,’ he said after a moment. ‘I don’t immediately see one. Do you intend to accept her bargain?’

‘Despite my own suspicions that she may simply want more time to devise some new scheme to dissuade me from abandoning society, I’m inclined to. There isn’t much chance of my winning my independence before the end of the Season anyway. And if Mama does allow, rather than hinder, my search for a house, I will be that much further along when the Season does end. Perhaps I’ll even be ready to move out and begin my new life!’

‘So why the distress? I would think you’d be shouting for joy.’

‘I know,’ she said on a sigh. ‘I suppose it’s like the adage says: when the gods wish to punish you, they grant your request. I’ve expended so much effort pushing and pushing to be allowed to fashion the life I’ve long dreamed of, having those barriers suddenly removed makes me feel like I am…falling headlong into the unknown. It’s thrilling, but also…’

‘Frightening?’ he supplied.

‘Yes! Much as I hate to admit being such a poor honey. What if—’ she continued in a low voice, not sure she wanted to express the alarming possibility even to herself ‘—what if Mama and all the others are right, and a life on my own is…lonely and unfulfilling?’

‘I don’t think you’ll need to worry about being alone.’

Emma looked up to find Lord Theo’s intense gaze fixed on her, a strange little smile on his lips. Her anxiety and confusion faded as a wave of sensual awareness washed through her.

Was it truly desire she saw in his eyes, or did she just want him so much, she only imagined it? Could a handsome man like Lord Theo truly want her?

And if he did… His romantic entanglements had all been brief, no matter how lovely the lady. Such a man would make a poor husband for a woman who valued fidelity and involvement in some higher purpose, if he could in fact be induced to marry her.

But if she were living in her own establishment, on her own terms, no longer subject to the rules and restrictions society imposed on a gently bred maiden… Could she dare explore passion for its own sake…outside the bonds of marriage?

Every nerve humming in response to his molten gaze promised the pleasure he could give would be incomparable.

A rider suddenly emerged from the mist, making her mount shy. Feeling her cheeks heat, she bent to control her horse, turning away from Lord Theo’s perceptive gaze.

Forcing her thoughts from the carnal, she said bracingly, ‘I expect my life will be as fulfilling and happy as I make it. If I do accept Mama’s bargain, as I am inclined to, I intend to begin immediately to investigate how one leases a house—a subject about which I know nothing. And to consider seriously what good works will occupy my time.’