Читать книгу Coming Home For Christmas: Warm, humorous and completely irresistible! - Julia Williams - Страница 15

I really don’t know if this is helping. Seems like a lot of psychological bollocks to me. It’s early in the morning and I can’t sleep, so here I am staring at a blank screen. For what? I don’t know what to say, and when I do write stuff down it makes me feel worse. I start thinking about what I’ve lost – particularly the kids. I miss them so much, even though I see them every day. Thinking about it makes everything seem much blacker. I’m not sure it’s worth the aggro, and quite frankly I’d rather be milking cows.

Or spending time with Pippa. But that’s not even an option anymore. I can’t afford to go there. When I think about her, it feels like I’m being punched in the guts. I know I’ve done the right thing letting her go. I was holding her back, stopping her from having the future she deserves. She needs a whole man, not a damaged one.

But Jo keeps telling me to persevere … So here I am again …

The thing is, I feel such a failure. My marriage was the one thing I thought I could always count on in my life. I thought it would pull me through anything. I knew Pippa was always going to be there for me, that we would grow old and contented together.

I don’t remember much about the accident. Just bits from the hospital: Pippa crying and not knowing why; the kids looking scared; my mum being sad. And then this fog in my brain. A fog which never quite seems to have lifted since. I know Pippa says she can cope with my mood swings, and the blackness that sometimes swamps me, and the way I get vague from time to time, but I just can’t ask her to do it. I love her too much to take her down with me.

But now she’s talking about selling the farm. Seems we can’t afford to run it if we’re not married anymore. I thought leaving Pippa was for the best, but now things seem worse than ever and it’s killing me. But Pippa deserves her chance at happiness. I have to hang on to that. It’s the only thing I’ve got.

I didn’t talk to anyone about getting divorced. Maybe I should have, but what was the point? I walked out on my marriage a year ago, for the sake of my family; I wasn’t doing any of them any good. And though every day away from them is painful and difficult, I know I’m doing the right thing. For all of us …