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ОглавлениеThe chemistry of attraction changes over time, ebbing over six to eighteen months, being slowly supplanted by the chemistry of attachment. Committed love is calmer, with none of the sweaty palms and churning stomach, thanks to less circulating dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine (PEA). Because of that seesaw effect, lower dopamine means higher serotonin. The reward circuitry isn’t firing, and the frontal lobes are fully online, so rational thought wins out over emotional upheaval, due to normalized serotonin levels. The study comparing the serotonin levels of patients with OCD to those who were infatuated showed that the levels do finally normalize during the attachment phase, as your lover becomes less of an obsessive fixation. Less dopamine also means less testosterone, for both of you, so the lust factor has died down considerably. Men’s testosterone levels are lower after they’ve been partnered for more than a year compared to those in the first six months of a committed relationship.
Recall the dads-versus-cads issue. In men, higher levels of testosterone (cad) can reduce the attachment drive. A manly guy may be great pickings for a one-night stand and may provide top-shelf genetic material, but it may not be in his nature to stick around to change diapers. Birds that are given an extra dose of testosterone abandon their nests. A man with lower testosterone may be a great father and less likely to stray, but he may not have the most chiseled chin. One plus: typically, during the parenting phase, lower testosterone levels help ensure that fathers will focus on their newborn and not stray. So parenthood could potentially help turn a cad into a dad. Not only are men with lower testosterone levels more responsive to infants’ cues but “paternal effort” can lower a man’s testosterone levels.
Longer-term, attached love is sometimes called companionate love. This familiarity and companionship creates feelings of comfort, well-being, a sense of calm, and even decreased perceptions of pain, courtesy of oxytocin and endorphins that are still on board.
While the neurochemistry of committed love may lack the intensity of the early attraction phase, the effect of a long-term relationship on your well-being can hardly be underestimated. But once the chemical dependence of the early days fades away, couples who choose to stay together have to work harder to remain connected. Monogamy can complicate libido in particular and may affect women more than men.
Emotional connectedness is all about oxytocin (and estrogen, which enhances oxy’s functioning) in women and a hormone called vasopressin in men. These are the molecules of attachment and bonding. Vasopressin, in particular, is considered the molecule of monogamy and exclusivity. Vasopressin not only enhances a man’s commitment to a woman but also underlies male bonding (the “bromance”). In the same way that oxytocin and testosterone compete with each other, vasopressin and testosterone are often at odds as well. Vasopressin diminishes the impact of testosterone on competition and aggression, encouraging the defense and protection of progeny and, importantly, preventing promiscuity and infidelity. In monogamous prairie voles given a vasopressin blocker, their testosterone takes the lead; they screw one female and then abandon her for another.
Studies of the vasopressin receptor gene (dubbed the “monogamy gene” in The Female Brain) show two versions, long and short. The longer version of the gene is associated with improved bonding and mating behaviors and more appropriate social behaviors. This version is present in our primate cousins the bonobos, who are quick to hug, kiss, and even have sex to keep the peace. The shorter gene variant is seen in the more aggressive chimp population. Also, interestingly, the shorter gene is seen in autism in humans, where there are some deficits in social and bonding behaviors.
Vasopressin also facilitates clear thinking, attention, memory, and emotional control. In Helen Fisher’s brain-imaging studies, people in longer love relationships show increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex (where attention, emotion, and memory interact) and the insular cortex, which processes emotions. So the brain is formulating and filing emotional memories. The early phases of attraction are fiery and passionate. Attachment is calmer, more relaxed, and solidified. Oxytocin is the common chemical in both phases, pulling two people together, lowering their defenses that are suspicious of trusting and connecting, and then keeping them bonded. Eye contact, the “anchoring gaze,” is a powerful way to connect with women, creating intimacy and, often, sexual longing. Looking away, turning away, or doing anything that threatens bonding can trigger stress hormones that get in the way of oxytocin and endorphins.
We are wired to connect and to need other people. In more than ninety countries surveyed worldwide, more than 90 percent of us are married at least once by the time we’re forty-nine. In the United States, we marry, divorce, and remarry at higher rates than in any other country, but half of American adult women over the age of eighteen are unmarried. Since 2000 that number has risen from 45 million to 56 million. First-time marriages end in divorce four out of ten times. The lowest rate, among upper-middle-class couples with college degrees, is one in three. That’s as good as it gets in America.
The Maslow hierarchy of human needs starts with the basics of food and shelter and then moves onward and upward, through safety and security to love and belonging and self-esteem, finally peaking at self-actualization. And so it’s been with the evolution of marriage, from institutional, where marriage started out as protection from violence, assuring that food and shelter were maintained, to companionate, focusing on love and sex, and finally to the self-expressive marriage. Now more than ever, we’re looking for our partnership to foster personal growth and self-discovery. The quality of a marriage helps to predict personal well-being; marital distress is associated with depression and other psychiatric complaints, while the positive effects of a strong union help to keep us healthy and strengthen over time.
You Complete Me. I Hate You.
We naturally mate with someone whose immunity is different from our own because it expands the repertoire of defenses in our children. Just as with the MHC complex and immune status, what is healthiest for our children comes from a union of two opposites. My kids like knowing that they should go to Dad for certain things and to Mom for others. We each bring opposite talents and skills to the table, and that helps to create not only a stronger, more complete team but also healthy hybrids when we procreate.
In relationships, we often want our partner to be the things that we are not. Certain behaviors in others echo long ago, deeply repressed parts of ourselves. As children, we were molded by our parents’ reactions toward us. We put away bothersome behaviors, suppressed our emotional intensity, and hid our needs in order to make their jobs easier. Down the line, we miss those abandoned facets of who we were. We would love to be reunited with our discarded selves to make an imagined whole. That’s where the magic comes in, when two people come together, igniting a spark that shines light on where those repressed parts have been hidden. You complete me. You’re everything I’m not, and we make something bigger and better than either of us alone could create.
In the early stages of love, words of endearment like sweetie and baby remind us of our very first successful love relationship, as a babe in arms. As in early childhood, our need to be securely attached to someone who loves us and cares for us is being met, and all is well. After the magic comes the power struggle, where annoying tics and habits begin to irk us. The very things that drew us to someone are the ones that now drive us crazy. We realize the person we married or otherwise committed to is nothing like us and needs to change or we’re going to need to be committed. As in mental hospital.
The former answer to our prayers becomes a living nightmare as we struggle to continue to get those early childhood needs of love and attachment fulfilled. We maneuver and manipulate, withdraw and intimidate, cry and criticize, but our partner comes up short in meeting our demands. We alternate between screaming matches and dry accountings on an emotional ledger of tit for tat. You won’t do this for me, so I’m not going to do that for you. Eventually, you both realize you can’t change the other or make the other love you the way that you need. At that point, it’s often time for an affair, or a divorce, or a détente of a sexless marriage (very common in my office population), or, hopefully, couples therapy.
Understanding why this phase happens is a crucial weapon in the armory of trying to make love work. Like magnets flipped around, attraction can turn to repulsion. We are repelled by those who remind us of what we are not. Because we were taught to detest those things that we’d hidden away at our parents’ insistence, we end up rejecting those parts of ourselves. So when someone is really getting on your nerves and you’re incensed by some of their behaviors, turn it around and look at your own. Chances are good there’s projected self-hatred fueling that burning rage.
Something else to keep in mind: we re-create our childhood environment as we project our hurts, insecurities, fears, angers, and anything else from our traumatic pasts onto our partners. If our parents were reliable and warm, we’ll be drawn to that type of relationship in adult life. If they were disengaged, neglectful, inconsistent, or self-involved, that’s the type of person we’ll pick for our mate.
The brain isn’t very good at discerning past from present social pain. Partners often unwittingly trigger each other by re-creating early scenes that were tagged as emotionally salient in the past. No matter how idyllic your childhood was, you had psychological trauma. At some point your needs weren’t met and it left you devastated. Any reminder of an early attachment failure will set off alarm bells in the stress network of the brain and body. The memory centers of the hippocampus will grade how emotional an experience is with help from the amygdala, the fear center. Frontal input gives the final yes or no on what gets expressed. This is why the more mindful and present you are, the less emotionally reactive you’ll be. Mindfulness strengthens that final frontal inhibition, the “don’t do it or you’ll be sorry” part of the brain. Higher cognitive functions are shut down by intense emotions. Cultivating mindfulness can help maintain an emotional balance within you and between you and your partner. Enhancing awareness can help to strengthen the “top-down” control, enhancing rationality and dampening emotional reactivity. Here we have the conscious marriage, using mindfulness to keep your attachment strong.
In yoga, the postures that you hate performing are the ones your body likely needs the most. That’s why they’re the hardest. They reveal your weakest, most inflexible parts. In life, the people whom you find the most challenging inevitably are the ones who have the most to teach you. Unlike codependent couples who enable unhealthy behavior, conscious couples enable positive, healthy aspects of each other’s behavior, and in the process they heal each other’s childhood wounds. The goal is for each of you to stretch toward the middle, widening your shared repertoire of behavior. As opposites, you each have the blueprint for the other’s personal growth. Individuals need to harmonize their own feminine and masculine qualities; so do couples. Balancing the yin and yang qualities that each of you brings to the table will benefit both of you.
To my patient who’s always complaining about her husband, I said something like this: “Stop fixating on how he isn’t like you. Nobody is, and you wouldn’t want to be yoked to your carbon copy anyway. The fact that he’s so many things you’re not, and vice versa, is exactly what makes your partnership work. Opposites attract for a reason. The two of you make something bigger than each of you alone ever could. An effective team.”
Division of Labor: Sex and Power
Interesting news: we’re becoming the men we wanted to marry. The number of women who are their family’s sole or primary breadwinner has soared, to 40 percent today from 11 percent in 1960. Things are switching around from where they were in the fifties, when women were warned, “If you sink into his arms, you’ll find your arms in his sink.” Back then, men had career goals, and women wanted those men. These days, women are bringing home the bacon, and one out of five married moms has a higher income than her husband. A recent business school survey showed more women defining success through work, while men chose personal growth as a priority. A common configuration in New York City is the alpha woman working at an executive-level position married to a guy who works at home on his computer, if he works at all. He picks the kids up from school and might do some household chores while Mommy has meetings and travels for work. Powerful woman, slacker husband. See, opposites really do attract.
Because nearly two-thirds of families have two working parents, it’s a toss-up to see who’s going to be doing which chores. My thinking is, some people are more or less meticulous about particular things, so you divide the chores accordingly. Fess up to each other about the housework you don’t mind doing. Owning up to your traits is one way to be more authentic in your relationship. Sharing earnings and household chores decreases the likelihood of divorce, unless the wife earns more than her husband—then they’re more likely to report marital troubles and consider separating. The best odds arise if the wife earns around 40 percent of the household income and the husband does about 40 percent of the housework.
Even though the egalitarian marriage creates higher emotional satisfaction and promotes longevity of a relationship, there is a casualty. Sex. On one hand, women surveyed made clear that marrying a man who was willing to help out with the child care and household chores mattered more than his level of income or his religious beliefs. We want to marry a housewife as much as they do. The problem is, we don’t want to have sex with the maid. It turns out that sexism is sexy. We want the men to do the manly chores, like taking out the garbage and maintaining the car. When our husbands are doing dishes and laundry, we’re less likely to have sex with them.
I can’t tell you how many of my patients are in sexless marriages, but it’s more than I ever would have thought. These are perfectly peaceful partnerships where the division of labor seems adequate, and there’s love and comfort there, just no sex for very long stretches—months or years. There’s a spark missing, a frisson between partners that’s required for animal coupling. One requirement for sexual energy is gender differentiation. You’re manly and I’m womanly and those opposites attract. In households with stay-at-home dads, it may be that he feels less confident without his “day job,” and his harried, working wife may start to lose some respect for his position. Men who take care of the children and the house may seem a little less manly to us when we finally plop into bed at night, even though we tell them how happy we are with the division of labor during the day. What’s the problem? Equality and “consensual everything” just isn’t sexy.
For many of us, part of what makes sex hot is shifts in power. Being controlled, dominated, or “taken” is a common factor in arousal. As much as we’re for women’s liberation, some habits die very hard, especially in the bedroom. There is often a direct correlation between being powerful outside the home, in the boardroom, and then wanting to be submissive in the bedroom. It may be that when a man spends his days loading the dishwasher according to his wife’s tutorial, or folding laundry just so, he’s got no more mojo for doing his wife to her specifications.
Then there’s resentment. So unsexy, and so common. Wives in my office regularly voice their complaints about how hard they work, how they don’t get the help and support they desire and deserve, and it’s impossible to ignore these discrepancies at the end of the day when they finally turn in. Sometimes the bedroom is the only place where we can say no and have it be a complete sentence.
The Seven-Year Itch Is Real
As might be expected, the longer a couple stays together, the more likely sexual infidelity will eventually happen, with a spike in the numbers around seven years of marriage. When gender is teased out, the timing differs. Women are more likely to cheat in their twenties and less likely in their fifties, while men are most likely to cheat in their thirties. The likelihood of an affair peaks in the seventh year of marriage for women and then ebbs from there. For men, the likelihood of an affair decreases over time, until the eighteenth year of marriage; then it increases. High-risk times for men straying tend to cluster around pregnancy and the months following the birth of a child. This may be psychological more than biological as men’s testosterone levels naturally recede a bit when they’re new dads. But if their needs for sex and attention aren’t being attended to, they may look elsewhere. For women, it’s all about fertility. Women may be more likely to cheat on their husbands when they’re ovulating, thanks to the surge in testosterone, the hormone of novelty.
Monogamy in Nature? Not So Much
Very few animals are actually sexually monogamous: 3 percent of mammals, and only one in ten thousand invertebrates. Pair-bonding is rare among mammals; only 3 percent rear their young in this way. “But what about penguins and swans?” you ask. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but they don’t have sex with one partner forever. Penguins are monogamous only until their eggs hatch; the next year they choose new mates. Over his lifetime the “monogamous” penguin may have created two dozen families. And though they do pair-bond to raise their young, swan nests were found to have young from multiple fathers. In fact, when you look at the offspring of the few “monogamous” birds and mammals, infidelity is present in 100 percent of species examined. This is why I think of monogamy as unnatural. Not undesirable, not unattainable, but certainly not natural.
So let’s look at our own family tree, where the primates are. First of all, we didn’t descend from apes; we are apes. We are part of the same family, the great apes (Hominoidea) containing gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees, bonobos, and humans. Chimps and bonobos (formerly called pygmy chimps) are our closest primate relatives. Female bonobos and chimps mate multiple times with multiple males in a row, raising children fathered by different males. Humans and bonobos, but not chimps, have missionary sex, face to face. We both kiss deeply and look into each other’s eyes when mating. We also both carry the genetic codes for oxytocin release, which helps to bond lovers. Chimps stick to rear entry; the female’s vulva faces back, not forward, as in bonobos and humans.
In bonobo troops, the female status matters more than the male status, with older females outranking the youngsters. Bonobos are significantly less aggressive than chimps. Sex is used to keep social order, and genital rubbing between female bonobos is common, used to solidify female bonding. It should be noted here that the bonobo clitoris is three times bigger than ours, taking up two-thirds of the vulva, and positioned optimally for ventral stimulation, so all that rubbing has a big payoff. Suffice to say, none of this matriarchy or genital rubbing to keep the peace is seen in chimps. Also, only humans and bonobos have a significant percentage of homosexual sex and, most important, have sex outside of ovulation, a rarity in the animal kingdom. Pair-bonded monogamous animals have infrequent sex and only for reproduction. Sex to keep the peace or solidify the relationship is not practiced.
Among all the social, group-living primates, monogamy is not the norm. The one ape that is monogamous lives in treetops and is solitary, part of the lesser ape family, the gibbon. As humans are the most social of all the primates, except for perhaps the bonobos, it is unwise to assume we’d naturally be monogamous. Body dimorphism (different sizes for different genders) is correlated with male competition for mates. If men and women were monogamous, we’d be the same size, as the gibbons are. If we were completely polygynous (men taking multiple female partners), men would be twice the size of women, as male gorillas and orangutans are. Chimps, bonobos, and human males are all around 10 to 20 percent larger and heavier than females, which implies we have similar rates of promiscuity.
The Biology of Fidelity—Vasopressin and Prairie Voles
The well-studied monogamous prairie voles maintain a single pair bond while raising several litters. As in humans, sex triggers oxytocin release in the females and vasopressin release in the males. The meadow voles, on the other hand, are solitary, asocial, and promiscuous. The vasopressin receptor is quite different in this species. When genes from the monogamous male prairie voles were injected into the brains of the promiscuous male meadow voles, more vasopressin receptors were formed, and the animals started to fixate on and mate with one female vole only.
Vasopressin in the males peaks during sexual arousal. It not only triggers partner preference but is also involved in male parental care. I know what you’re thinking: Can I inject vasopressin into my husband? No, and some guys have more vasopressin than others. There are different genes that code for vasopressin, and some men have certain genes that others don’t have. Men who have a gene variant called 334 score lower on feelings of attachment for their spouses and are more likely to have experienced a marital crisis during the past year or to be in a relationship without being married.
Testosterone levels not only affect sex drive and sexual response but also have a lot to do with fidelity and parenting impulses. Married men and fathers have lower testosterone levels than single and childless men. Right after his child is born, a man’s testosterone levels might fall as much as 30 percent. Men who maintain multiple female partners (polygyny) have higher testosterone levels than monogamously married men. Not surprisingly, married men with higher testosterone levels have sex more frequently than those with lower levels, and men who cheat have higher testosterone levels than those who don’t. Unconsciously, women may know this. In one study, women rated men with lower voices (more testosterone) as being more likely to be unfaithful and were more likely to select more masculine men with lower voices as short-term, rather than long-term, partners.
The Coolidge Effect
Named for Silent Cal, the story goes that he and the missus were separately being shown around a farm. Upon hearing that the rooster mated dozens of times a day, Mrs. Coolidge said to the guide, “Tell that to my husband.” Later, when he heard his wife’s remark, the president asked, “With the same hen?” “Nope. It’s a different hen every time.” “Tell that to my wife.”
The Coolidge effect, that varying the sex partner invigorates the libido, has been documented in many male mammals, including humans. But it turns out that female primates are aroused by novelty as well. Unfamiliar males are more attractive than the known quantity. “The search for the unfamiliar is documented as a female preference more often than is any other characteristic.” Nature has bred philandering into our genes, enhancing the mating strategy of more copulations in order to increase the likelihood of passing those genes on. If guys who are players make more babies, there will be more players in the gene pool.
Ever wonder why men who seem to have it all—fame, fortune, and a loving family—throw it all away for a bit of strange? It’s nature, trumping both reason and willpower. Novelty is the strongest attractor. Many of us are “novelty seeking.” We enjoy new restaurants, new music, new friends, and new hobbies. Research suggests that people who cheat are not only novelty seekers but also more likely to be extroverts than their partners are. They’re also simply more easily bored.
The Space Between
Couples who spend all their time together may end up being too close. Like a fire deprived of oxygen, sexual energy sputters when there’s no room to breathe. You each need to bring something separate and “other” to the partnership, which means you have to go out there and have your own experiences. Girls’ night out is good for both of you. Don’t confuse love with merging. Eroticism requires separateness; there must be a synapse to cross.
Typically one partner will be clingier while the other will be squirming away. Some people comfort themselves in a dyad, while others soothe themselves solo. Compromise is key here, as we all have our sweet spot regarding intimacy. Some of us want to share everything and be bound at the hip, while others of us would like a little elbow room, please.
Part of the problem is that we’ve been fed this idea that our spouse should be able to provide everything we need: love, security, companionship, and hot sex. But the intimacy and comfort of a committed relationship carry a completely different energy (not to mention brain chemistry) than eroticism and lust do. Some of the hottest sex you’ve ever had probably occurred with someone you didn’t know all that well, right? The excitement of two people coming together rests on the uncertainty of where it’s going and whether it will last. Once you’re committed to each other, that spark is history. The trick is to balance the need for unpredictability and novelty with the need for consistency and reliability. And it’s no easy trick.
Our sex may be less hot unless we each “get a life,” but there’s a competing theory about spending time together for the good of the partnership. Couples who spend weekly time talking or being active together are more likely to be happy than couples who take less time to bond. Spouses who share friends spend more time together and have better marriages. Since the 1970s, we’re spending less time with our partners (from thirty-five to twenty-six hours a week) and more time doing other things outside the home, mostly work. For couples with kids, the number of hours spent together has gone from thirteen to nine.
Our emotional needs may be clamoring for more time together, while our animal, lusting selves may require time apart for a sense of novelty. Balancing our needs for intimacy and isolation is challenging and a frequent source of stress in our relationships. The first step is to honestly appraise what your needs and desires are and then to lovingly communicate them to your partner. You can’t negotiate what isn’t on the table, so you’re going to have to show your hand in order to win. There is one-way autoregulation, which is “I can do this for myself” or “You can do this for me.” Then there’s two-way mutual regulation: “We do this for each other.” If two people heal the relationship actively, the relationship will heal the two people. Pour your attention into the space between and it will nurture you in return.
Surviving an Affair
Nearly a third of marriages survive an infidelity. Sometimes the discovery of an affair can lead to positive outcomes in the relationship. There may be a willingness to work through problems or improve communication or the quality of the partnership. It is an opportunity to rewrite the rules of your marriage and to become aware of unconscious behaviors that threaten to put anything before your relationship. One of you went outside the safe space of your “couple bubble” to get your needs met. This is crucial information to help make your conscious marriage stronger.
Typically, the man who has an affair will realize that the wife he left is better suited to his needs and caretaking than the woman he left her for. Unfortunately, many women are schooled to reject a repentant cheater because he’ll likely do it again. Serial monogamy—falling in lust, becoming attached and committed, only to eventually fall for another partner all over again—is our way of trying to grapple with two competing masters, biology and society.
Rewriting the Rules
Some couples opt for honesty over fidelity. They accept that their partners are occasionally going to be interested in other lovers and don’t want to forfeit the entire relationship. I have a few trailblazing patients who are consensually nonmonogamous. That is, they both know what’s going on with the other. Some are swingers, others are in open marriages, and a few call themselves polyamorous. The bottom line with all three is consciousness, and dare I say conscientiousness. Rules are clearly conveyed and adherence is monitored and discussed. Everything is out in the open, which allows both partners to go through the process as one. Their trust is based on truth.
Sometimes people have sex outside their primary relationship for reasons not involving their partner’s or the relationship’s inadequacy. For example, what if one member of the dyad is bisexual? In Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, she describes “couples who negotiate sexual boundaries” as “no less committed than those who keep the gates closed. It is their desire to make the relationship stronger that leads them to explore other models of long-term love.”
It’s normal and natural for both sexes to have a wandering eye and a thirst for novelty in the form of new partners. To pretend otherwise is delusional. How we respond to those desires is up to us. We should at least begin with open communication about our wants and needs with our partner. Candid talk may reveal some surprises; for instance, some men are aroused by the thought of their wives with other men. Talk about your fantasies and share your experiences out in the world when you get home. Hiding and lying will bring only shame, stress, and their eventual discovery. Don’t wait until things have progressed before you reveal the details to your partner. Maintaining a secure attachment will assist both of you in navigating these waters together, helping to make your relationship watertight.
Making Love Last: The Temptation of Monogamy
Many committed partnerships feel the fizzle at about three to four years, a common spike in when divorces occur. Anthropologists reckon that this is biological more than anything else. Attachment, trust, security—all of these vasopressin- and oxytocin-powered devices evolved so partners would stay together at least long enough to raise a child. Pairs mate and rear an infant through toddlerhood, and when the heavy lifting of parenting has passed, there is a biological drive to move on and partner with another, always searching for the best genetic material for their lineage. Hence, serial monogamy, sequential committed relationships.
Because we’re living longer, couples are spending many more years together than was the case in generations past. So the question is, how do you keep love alive and make it last over these many bumps in the road? Have fun, have sex, and give each other space. Fun, in this case, needs to be about novelty and adrenaline. Novel experiences increase dopamine levels as the brain turns on the gas to pay attention and enjoy. Dopamine can trigger testosterone release, so new activities that require focused attention can help create desire. Dopamine injected into the male rat’s bloodstream stimulates copulating behavior, and horny rats that copulate frequently have higher circulating dopamine levels. If you can find a way to inject a sense of danger into your activities, go for it. Norepinephrine, the brain’s version of adrenaline, can also stimulate the production and release of testosterone, which will rev sexual desire. So anything that’s moderately stressful, threatening, transgressive, or mildly painful can potentially be sexually arousing as well. In sex research, this is known as excitation transfer. You may simply know it as “kinky.”
Having sex can trigger the hormones you need to make you horny. I often encourage my patients who report low desire to just go ahead and start the process of sex. Once you get going, some of the desirable brain changes will start to kick in, and before you know it, you’ll actually be enjoying yourself. “Use it or lose it” definitely applies to sex. Having orgasms regularly keeps all your sex hormones in play; the more sex you’re having, the more sex you’ll have. Regular exposure to male pheromones keeps hormone levels healthier, so keep smelling your man. Also, the chemistry that results from orgasm triggers closeness and bonding and possibly even monogamy, all of which might lead to more sex. But this is where it gets complicated.
The warm waters of attachment have been known to douse the fires of lust. Oxytocin can interfere with dopamine and norepinephrine, lessening their impact. And we all know about familiarity breeding contempt. Am I right, married ladies? For many of us, and certainly for laboratory animals, proximity dampens desire. The sex researchers who run primate labs say they have to give the females new males every three years or so. (Jealous?)
We have a natural drive toward novelty in our sexual partners. Biologically speaking, as mammals, “almost all individuals of all species on record have a sexual aversion to closely familiar others; they prefer to mate with strangers.” So, however you can, keep it strange. Be mysterious, unavailable; surprise him with what he still doesn’t know about you. And make sure you create and maintain a “space between” in your relationship. Do things separately, have your own friends and interests, so you’ll have something to talk about when you do spend time together. And when you can, do novel, fun things together. Travel to new territory, try new activities, and incorporate a competitive spirit when it’s appropriate. Competition reliably raises testosterone levels, as does intense cardio exercise. So have fun out there. It may lead to great sex, which can help solidify the bonds of great love.
Remember that you’re on the same team. Let go of the need to be right, and banish judging, controlling, blaming, shaming, and criticizing. Negativity is invisible abuse that is toxic to the relationship. It ruptures your connection to each other. So avoid these behaviors and you’re more than halfway to your dream partnership. Also, heed your own sage advice to others. It’s usually projection, and the person most in need of following your wisdom is you. We tend to give others the things we ourselves actually need. We lead by example. In writing, it’s “show, don’t tell,” but in relationships, it’s the opposite. Better to specifically verbalize what your needs are than to demonstrate what you need by giving your partner what they’re not even asking for. Understand?
Also, only one of you gets to be a baby at a time. Two passive, irresponsible people cannot run a household or raise children. If you insist on being two children, neither of your needs will be met. You can decide between you, and it can be fluid, but one of you needs to be an adult in any given situation. If you’re emotionally incapacitated, triggered by something in your history that is adding an extra charge, tell your partner so he (or she) can take the reins.
When you do talk, keep a few things in mind. No one can speak rationally when their limbic system is on fire. The emotional brain will short-circuit the rational brain. Wait to talk till you’re both calm and can look each other in the eye while dialoguing. (Talking in the car or in your darkened bedroom is not as good as face to face.) Frame your speech with “I feel” instead of “You did.” Mirror what’s being said so your partner feels heard. Empathize with your partner so he or she feels validated. “You make sense, and I’d feel that way if it were me.” This technique works with children and colleagues, too. Mirror, validate, and empathize.
Even though we may be physiologically built for multiple partners, we’re actually happiest when we commit to one. For most of us, monogamy is hard, but staying with one partner for decades has innumerable benefits. Getting to truly know and accept someone, and being known and accepted, allows for tremendous growth, like budding flowers in the sunshine. Long-term love is the best environment for us to flourish and blossom. Cultivating and maintaining rich emotional relationships with family and friends is what life is all about, and it will feed your soul, or at least make you happier. The goal: making your spouse, who is the bedrock of your family, your friend.
