Читать книгу Staking His Claim - Karen Templeton - Страница 9

None of this had been her choice.

Not the car, a leprous, pumpkin-orange GTO with one front fender painted, inexplicably, baby blue. Not the trip itself—as if she had time to schlep back to Oklahoma with all those pending cases sitting on her desk nearly two thousand miles away. And God knows—she waited out a wave of nausea—not the reason for the trip.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true. The outcome might not have been her choice, but the events leading up to it definitely had been.

So much for living for the moment.

“No shame, no blame,” Dawn Gardner muttered as she drove up in front of the single-story, sprawling farmhouse, still cinnamon brown with white-and-dark-green trim as it had always been. Edging a lawn faded from the early September heat, the same deep-pink roses bloomed, as they always had, only now against a backdrop of tangled deadwood. Cottonwoods stirred listlessly in the breeze, as if worn-out from the effort of shading the house for a whole summer, their lazy susurration no competition for the late-afternoon drone of a bumper crop of cicadas. The mingled scents weighting the humid air—of horse and fresh cut hay, the sweet, heady tang of overripe fruit—assaulted both her reluctant memory and her hypersensitive nose, making her stomach pitch. Making her feel…untethered, like a soul in limbo.

A retriever mix, whose name she’d forgotten, his coat flashing gold in the late-day sun, sauntered over to the car with a halfhearted woof. She smiled, patting the door so he’d come close enough for her to pet. As she did, her gaze meandered to the front porch step, only one riser up from the yard. Memory nudged into view a pair of children, a boy and a girl, sitting there as they had hundreds of times. They might have been six or seven, the boy—much younger than his two older brothers, who were already in high school—boasting features that foretold of the handsome man he would eventually become, with heavy-lashed eyes, green as new grass, and thick blond hair that refused to be tamed. A little spoiled, perhaps, being the baby, but not a whiner. And not a tease.

About the same height as the boy then, with long strawberry-blond hair her mother refused to cut, the girl liked that about the boy, that he never put her down. While their mothers chatted in the kitchen, the boy would often take the girl with him while he did his chores around the farm, mostly feeding the animals—pigs, goats, chickens, rabbits. The horses. Since they were too young to be around the huge animals by themselves, sometimes his daddy would be with them, a tall man with a white crewcut, dark eyes and an easy smile who always had Tootsie Rolls in his overall pockets and called the girl “young lady,” but not the way people did when you did something wrong.

Sometimes she envied the boy his daddy, although she never let on.

Dawn’s inner ear perked up at fragments of a conversation she hardly knew she remembered, drifting over from the porch.

“Maybe Ryan and Hank don’t want to stick around, but I’m never gonna leave here,” the boy said, crunching into an apple from one of the trees off to the side of the house. Totally at ease with himself, in himself, he leaned back on his elbow, an expression on his dust-smudged face the girl would later peg as serene.

Even at that age she thought it was peculiar, not wanting to see what else was out there in the world, and she told him so. Her mama had taken her into Tulsa once when she was five, and all she could think about was getting to go back someday. Except Mama was always busy helping ladies have babies and couldn’t afford the time away very often, she said, in case one of the babies decided to come while she was gone.

The boy shrugged and took another bite of his apple. “Whaddya wanna do now?” he said. “Play with my trucks or somethin’?”

“Trucks are dumb.”

“Not as dumb as stupid old dolls.”

“Well, I don’t play with dolls, do I?”

The boy gave her a funny look. “But you’re a girl.”

“So? That doesn’t mean I hafta play with dolls. Besides, that’s sexist.”

“Ooooh, I’m gonna tell! You said ‘sex.’”

“I did not. I said sexist. That’s when somebody thinks you oughta like or do something because you’re a girl or a boy. Mama told me. An’ she said nobody should hafta act a certain way just ’cause people expect ’em to.”

The boy threw his half-eaten apple off into the yard. One of the farm dogs trotted over to investigate, but since it wasn’t meat, he let it be. “You’re weird, you know that?” the boy said. “And anyway, so why don’t you play with dolls?”

“I dunno. Maybe because I see so many babies and little kids when Mama takes me with her on her ’pointments? Babies cry a lot, you know. And make real stinky messes in their diapers. And their hands get tangled in my hair.” The girl sank her chin into the palm of her hand, waiting out the peculiar feeling she got sometimes, like an itchiness on the inside that you couldn’t scratch. It wasn’t fair, having to get up in the middle of the night to go with Mama when one of her ladies had her baby. But thinking about that made the itchiness worse, so she pushed the thoughts away and said instead, “We could read, maybe.”

“Reading’s boring,” the boy said, but the girl had a pretty good idea he said that because he didn’t read as well as she did. “I got a new puzzle. Wanna do that?”

“I don’t like working puzzles with you, you never do ’em right.”

The boy thought for a minute, then said, “We could go dig in the backyard if you want.”

“S’too hot.” They sat there for a long time, listening to their own thoughts—well, the girl was, anyway, she was never sure what the boy thought about, if anything—until she suddenly said, if for no other reason than the silence was beginning to hurt her head, “Brenda Sue Mosely called me a bad word today.”

The boy looked like this could be interesting. “What kinda bad word?”

“I can’t say it.”

“Sure you can. I mean, I won’t tell.” When she slanted her eyes at him, he crossed his heart. “Promise.”

So she leaned over and whispered the word in his ear, thinking she liked how he smelled, like earth and animals and apple, and how it made her feel safe for some reason. She’d heard the word several times before, but she wasn’t exactly sure what it meant. She just knew it was meant to hurt her.

“Brenda Sue Mosely is stupid,” was all the boy said, giving the girl the impression he didn’t know what the word meant, either. “If she was a boy, I’d beat her up for you.”

“I don’t want you beatin’ anybody up for me, Cal Logan, you hear me? I can stick up for myself….”

“Dawn? What the hell?”

She jumped a foot, her memories scattering like the roaches in her apartment when she turned on the light in the middle of the night. Panic sliced through her, knotting her stomach. His long, denimed legs wading through an entourage of dogs of all shapes, sizes and parentages, a very much grown-up Cal Logan approached the car, his face creased with concern. A cool breeze ruffled that same unkempt hair, now darker than it had been as a child, and bam! Just like that, even though the thought of sex with anybody right now made her green around the gills, every nerve ending she had screamed, “Remember?”

Not fair.

All her life, Cal had been just Cal. Well, mostly. There’d been the odd tickle of fantasy from time to time, but then, what else was there to do in this town besides fantasize? Their single sexual encounter had been an aberration, a momentary detour off the Road of Reason. She knew that, he knew that, they’d discussed it like rational adults the morning after and she had put the whole episode behind her, chalking it up to One of Those Things. Thought she had, anyway. Her current, totally unexpected condition didn’t change the aberration aspect of this. His “just Cal-ness.”

Except, now, as her gaze slithered over the body that was no longer a mystery underneath his workshirt and jeans, she silently dubbed herself six kinds of fool. What on earth had she been thinking? That she could simply forget how good the man was in bed? How good he made her? That within twenty minutes he’d changed her mind about sex from whatever to whoa?

That she’d start salivating at the sight of him?

Be that as it may. Salivating didn’t change anything, other than perhaps raising her standards for future encounters. If there were any future encounters, which at the moment looked highly doubtful. One minute they’d been old, albeit lapsed, friends, the next they were lovers. Unfortunately, it was about this gaping hole in between. A hole they’d never, ever, be able to fill in a million years.

Except for this child they’d made that would now bridge that gap, in some ways, forever.

Just as Cal had bridged the gap between his house and her car. Dawn’s swallow wedged in her throat, mere inches above her heart. Then she noticed he seemed far more interested in the car than her. She couldn’t decide whether to be relieved or offended.

“This Scooter Johnson’s old GTO?”

“Uh-huh.”

Cal chuckled. With good reason. Her mother had taken the ghastly vehicle in trade for delivering the Johnsons’ second baby, but Scooter had definitely gotten the better end of that deal.

“Honey, even with you in it, that is one butt-ugly car.” His light mood abruptly departed, however, when he once again focused on her face. The man wasn’t stupid. And by the time she’d forced herself to open the car door, untangle herself from her long broomstick skirt and haul herself to her feet, she could tell from his expression that he’d jumped to the only conclusion he could have.

Hope struggled for purchase in worried green eyes. “Dawn? Why are you here?”

Dogs milled about them, panting and wriggling; birds chirped; yellowing leaves danced against a peaceful blue sky in a place as far away from the life she’d made for herself as the moon. And Dawn, who still had no idea what to think about any of this herself, hauled in a huge breath and said, “Remember the condom that broke?”

Then her knees gave way.

A few choice epithets flashed through Cal’s brain as he carted Dawn into the family room, that long, crinkly skirt of hers clinging to him like plastic wrap, her soft white blouse smelling of flowers. With a grunt he clumsily laid her on the old tan leather sofa that had stood in the center of the scuffed, slanted wooden floor ever since he could remember. Ethel, the Logans’ housekeeper for even longer, came streaking in from the kitchen, a glass of water trembling at the end of a spotted, chicken-skinned arm.

“I saw it all from the kitchen window. She sick or something? Oh! She’s comin’ ’round!”

Cal felt set apart, like he was watching one of those reality shows on TV, as Dawn stirred and grimaced and finally opened her eyes. Talk about your life changing in an instant. He had thought—hoped—when he hadn’t heard after a month, that they’d been lucky. Not that the idea of making babies with Dawn Gardner hadn’t crossed his mind a time or six over the past decade or so. He just didn’t figure the fantasy was reciprocated, was all. Actually, judging from the edge to her voice when she mentioned the busted condom, he was sure of it.

“Here, sugar,” Ethel was saying, simultaneously offering Dawn the water and wriggling her ample butt, stuffed as usual into a pair of jeans made for a woman a good size or two smaller, onto the edge of the sofa beside her. Cal noticed her peach-colored hair could do with a touch-up. “Drink this.”

Dawn obeyed, her waist-length braid slipping back over her shoulder as she struggled to sit up so she could take the glass. It was always easier to just do what Ethel asked.

“You look absolutely terrible, child,” Ethel said. “The heat got to you?”

Now fully upright, if still wobbly, Dawn glanced at Cal, then smiled for Ethel. “That must be it,” she said, taking a sip of the water.

Ethel crossed her arms over the sleeveless blouse crammed into those too-tight jeans and said, “Uh-huh,” which prompted Cal to ask if she didn’t have something she needed to be tending to in the kitchen, because he was not about to discuss this very private matter with anybody—not even Ethel—before he’d have five seconds to come to terms with it himself. News’d get out soon enough.

Still, he was hard-pressed not to wither under Ethel’s glare before she popped to her feet, spun around hard enough to make her tennis shoe squeak against the floor, and marched back to the kitchen. The silence left in her wake was so heavy, Cal half expected the room to tilt.

Dawn noiselessly set the glass down on the end table, then fingered the lace table topper, yellow with age. “I can’t believe this is still here.” She glanced around the room, frowning slightly at the collection of Early American furniture, the worn fake oriental rugs, the card table set up by the window with a half-finished jigsaw puzzle spread out on it. It occurred to him she hadn’t seen the living room the last time she was here, neither of them being much interested in a house tour just then. “Incredible. Everything’s exactly the same. From when we were kids, I mean. Even the piano,” she added with a nod toward the baby grand taking up the far corner of the room.

Cal linked his arms across his chest. “I like it like this.”

Her deep-brown eyes met his, her fingers curled around the edge of the sofa. That slightly pitying expression women got when faced with home-decor issues flickered across her features before she said, on a sigh, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, showing up out of the blue like this.”

Worry settled into the pit of his stomach like it planned on staying for a while. She looked like death warmed over, too pale, too thin, no makeup, bits of her tea-colored hair—still long, even after all those years of living back East—hanging like tipsy snakes around her face. And yet, even motionless, she seemed to vibrate with the same restless energy that had marked her as different from everyone he knew—especially himself—from the time they were kids.

“No problem. You feelin’ better?”

“As opposed to being dead? Yeah, I suppose.”

They needed to talk, he knew that, but he didn’t have a clue what to say. Or think, even. He kept trying to drive the words I’m gonna be a daddy through his skull, but they wouldn’t go. To be truthful, Cal had worked his way through a fair number of condoms in his time—he wasn’t much into torch-carrying—but this was the first time one had let him down. That it should do so at the precise moment somebody’s egg was moseying on down the pike was just not fair.

Panic raced through him like a brushfire.

He glanced outside, toward the barn and the pasture beyond. Toward that part of his life that was still what it had been ten minutes ago. It was selfish, yeah, but right now he needed to be somewhere where he felt like he knew what the hell he was doing. He looked back at Dawn, met her questioning gaze.

“I don’t suppose you’d be up to takin’ a short walk? Just to the pasture?”

Her answer was to take another sip of water, nod and get to her feet, that multicolored skirt floating around her ankles as she wordlessly followed Cal outside into the molten early-evening sunshine. The dogs massed around them, tongues lolling, butts wagging; Dawn spoke to each one, softly, her words still tinged with an Oklahoman tang, even after all this time. He also noticed, when he looked over, that her hair flamed.

And so did he.

No point denying either his memory of their encounter two months ago or his body’s reaction to her, he realized as they made their way to the pasture where several of his mares still grazed, yet to be brought in for the night. He knew she’d always felt uneasy in her own body, her legs too long, her breasts too large for her frame. So he’d been sure to show her that night—Cal had always been one to take advantage of an opportunity—the truth of the matter in as many ways as he could think of. Not that the size of her breasts mattered one whit to him, but he had to admit God had outdone Himself this time.

And maybe it wasn’t right, his thinking about her breasts at this moment, but it wasn’t like he could forget them, for one thing. And for another, he’d always thought of sex as kind of a mental comfort food. It was hardly all he thought about, but when things got tough, he found letting his mind wander down that path brought him a certain measure of peace.

“Cal? Wait a sec…”

He turned. Dawn was leaning against the trunk of a cottonwood, her hands cupped over her nose and mouth. “The odor,” she mumbled from behind her hands. At his probably perplexed expression—it was just a little fresh dung, for heaven’s sake, and the wind was blowing away from them at that—she added, “Everything smells…stronger right now.”

So much for peaceful thoughts. Not even thinking about Dawn’s breasts was going to do it this time.

“Oh. Uh…you wanna go back…?”

But she shook her head, pushing away from the tree and plastering on a fake smile. “Nope. All better. Let’s go.”

Never mind that she looked like she was gonna hurl for sure.

In the pasture, most of the mares, all pregnant, as well as the ten or so foals he was still hoping to sell before winter set in, stood in sociable clumps of twos and threes, like folks at a barbecue. Cinnamon, a sleek and sassy bay, pregnant with her ninth foal, ambled over to the fence, begging as usual. In this light, the mare’s coat and Dawn’s hair were nearly the same color.

Cal patted the mare’s glistening neck, chuckling when she nibbled at his hair. The mare whuffled, nodding toward Dawn, then back to him.

“Cindy, meet Dawn. She’s gonna have a baby, too.”

He saw Dawn’s attention snap to him, but by then Cindy had cantilevered her massive head over the fence for some loving. Dawn was smart enough, or needy enough, not to turn down the horse’s offer. She linked the fingers of one hand in the horse’s bridle, stroking the mare’s white stripe with the other, an expression on her face like she wanted to somehow sink into the mare’s calmness and never come out. One of the barn cats, out for his evening hunt, rubbed up against her leg, marking her.

“She’s gorgeous,” Dawn said of the mare. “They all are. What are they?”

“Horses.”

That got a laugh. Well, what you could hear around the snort. “No, doofus. I mean what…kinds. Breeds, whatever.”

He smiled. “Quarter horses, mostly. But I’ve got a couple of mutts, too—the chestnut back by the fence is part Tennessee walker. And we think Josie, there—the dapple gray—might have some Arabian in her.”

“How large is the herd?”

“On the permanent roster? Fifteen mares and a stallion I put out to stud. Plus the youngsters. All retired prizewinners or offspring of prizewinners. Good listeners with easygoing dispositions. And they all produce some real pretty foals.”

“And you’re doing okay?” The concern in her voice made him turn to meet her equally concerned eyes. “It can’t be easy,” she said gently, “making something like this work.”

“I won’t lie and say it is. Especially with foal prices taking a hit the way they’ve done the past couple of years. But the stud fees I get for Twister keep me afloat. In fact, I’ve almost finished buying out my brothers. By this time next year, this’ll be all mine.”

He watched her scan the new up-to-date barn replacing the old barns and outbuildings she would’ve remembered from when they were kids. “You’ve really found your niche in life, haven’t you?”

“I guess I have,” he said, trying to peg whatever he thought he’d heard in her voice, even though figuring out what went on inside women’s heads was definitely not his strong suit.

“There’s something, I don’t know, honest and basic about working with horses. You treat ’em right, they’ll return the favor and do their best for you. I get up in the morning, and even when there’s a boatload of work to do, or even when I’m worried about one of my gals for one reason or another, I look forward to the day. How many people can say that? And really mean it?… Dawn? You okay?”

Her forehead lowered to the mare’s muzzle, she muttered, “I’m sorry,” although almost more to the horse than to him.

“For what?”

She gave him a doleful expression.

“Not for being pregnant?” he said.

“Maybe,” she said on a rush of air. “I just keep feeling I should be apologizing for something. For falling into bed with you, if nothing else.”

“Hey. Unless I missed something, that was a mutual decision. One I sure as hell didn’t regret.” She canted a look at him. “No, not even now.”

“Never mind how stupid it was.”

“Is that what you’re thinking? That it was stupid?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Well, that’s just nuts.”

“And now you’re pissed.”

“Hell, yes, if I’m readin’ you correctly. Just because neither one of us expected more’n that one night doesn’t mean it was stupid. Or meaningless.” He leaned his forearms on the top of the fence, trying to tamp down his irritation. Trying even harder to understand it. Cindy, realizing she was no longer the focus of the conversation, clopped off, her black tail swishing.

“Okay, so we got more out of it than we’d bargained. And yeah, I suppose I’m gonna be in shock for a while about that. But that doesn’t mean anybody has anything to be sorry for. Actually, if you’re lookin’ to blame somebody, it wasn’t you who forgot to check the date on those condoms, was it?”

A pained smile crossed her face. “Should I be flattered it had been that long?”

Cal hesitated, then said, “To tell you the truth…I grabbed one out of the wrong box. The one I should’ve thrown out when I bought the new one the month before.”

“You know, I could have lived without knowing that.”

“Thought women wanted men to be honest with them.”

“Not that honest.”

He glanced over. She was leaning against the fence much like he was, but everything about her was tight—her set mouth, her hands, knotted together in front of her, her shoulders, rising and falling in tandem with her shallow, hurried breaths.

Cal gazed back over the pasture, over what had been his life for more than ten years. Building up his breeding business had given him something to focus on after his parents died, something he could count on to bring him satisfaction and pleasure even when his personal life sucked. He would be lying if he didn’t admit, at least to himself, that he didn’t need this distraction, this monkey wrench in the orderly, safe, relatively painless life he’d made for himself. At the same time excitement tingled in his veins with the realization that the one thing that had eluded him so far—the promise of family—was suddenly within his grasp.

He stole a quick look at the side of Dawn’s face, her expression resolute. Well, the promise of part of a family, anyway. Where he saw hope, however, his guess was that she saw catastrophe. Where he saw opportunity, she clearly saw entrapment.

And her fears were doing a damn good job of kicking his wide awake.

“How come you waited so long to say something?” he asked softly.

“Denial,” came out on an exhaled breath. “I’d had a bad cold, thought maybe that screwed up my cycle.” She gave a dry, humorless laugh. “Okay, I couldn’t believe it. Didn’t want to believe it.”

The sun nestled a little closer to the horizon as they stood there, not looking at each other, not saying anything. One of the dogs sat down to scratch, jangling his tags; a couple of mares decided to get up a game of tag, their pounding hooves raising a cloud of dust. Cal kept thinking he was supposed to say something, to come up with some sort of solution. Instead, he could practically hear the wind whistling through the cavity where his brain was supposed to be.

“I guess you’re sure—”

“Oh, yeah. I’m sure. And yes, I’m having the baby. And keeping it.”

Her eyes darted to his, then away, as his stomach screeched to a halt a breath away from splat! “So you never considered—”

“I didn’t say that.” At what must have been his horrified expression, she pushed out a breath. “To be honest, my first thought was this can’t be happening. And my second thought was how can I make it unhappen? So I went for a walk. A long walk. A walk that took me past a family planning clinic. On purpose. And I stood there, staring at the door, visualizing walking up the steps, making an appointment…” Her eyes went wide, the words shooting from her mouth like a flock of freaked birds. “I’d never even thought about having a baby, Cal! Let alone like this! Who knows what kind of mother I’ll make? For all I know, this could be a major disaster in the making—”

She let out a little yelp when Cal grabbed her by the shoulders. “And you can stop that kind of talk right now! You’re gonna make a dynamite mother. Maybe not a normal one, but a damned good one.”

She rolled her eyes, then said, “And you know this how?”

“Because I know you. Or at least, I did. And the Dawn I remember never did anything half-assed.” Purely from reflex, his thumbs started massaging her shoulders. Purely from reflex—he assumed—she shivered slightly. “I’d be real surprised to find out you’d changed.”

“Yeah, well, raising a kid isn’t the same as acing a course. Or even winning a case. Which I don’t always do, by the way.”

“But—” He actually caught the thought before it sailed out of his big mouth, but only long enough to examine it and let it go, anyway. “But you were all set to get married.”

“Oh.” She sighed. “That. As it happens, Andrew wasn’t all that hot on parenthood. And to be honest, I was ambivalent. About having kids, I mean.”

“You got any idea why?”

That got a shrug. “Maybe because so much of my work revolves around children. I don’t know.” At his frown, she said, “I do a fair amount of pro bono work for the firm, most of it involving family issues. Many of the kids I see have been knocked around pretty badly. By life, by The Man, by—all too often—their own parents. And the looks on their faces…” The expression on hers twisted him inside out. “Oh, God, Cal, they’d break your heart. The way they want to trust so badly, and are so afraid to…”

Tears shone in her eyes. “Everybody says, don’t get involved, don’t let it become personal. Except that’s the reason I became a lawyer to begin with, to try to make a difference. Lame as that might sound,” she added with a wry smile. “But having a kid of my own…” She let loose another sigh, this one long and ragged. “I’ve never been one of those women who gets all mushy when they see someone else’s baby or feel a pang of envy at seeing a pregnant woman, okay? I’ve never felt that having a child would complete me, because I never felt anything was missing to begin with. But here I am, pregnant. Pregnant and confused, and sick half the day, and scared. That’s about all I know. And that I had to tell you. Beyond that, it’s a blank. A very screwed-up, messy blank.”

Their gazes danced around each other for a second or two, then she took off for her car, leaving Cal so tangled up in his emotions, he had no idea which one prompted him to yell out, “We could get married.”

She spun around, her mouth open. Then she burst out laughing.

“It wasn’t that dumb a suggestion,” he muttered, closing the space between them.

She crossed her arms when he reached her, that pitying look in her eyes again. “Who’d you vote for in the last election?”

He told her, and she laughed again. The car door groaned when she opened it. “We’d never survive the next presidential campaign. Besides, even if I was sticking around, you know as well as I do shotgun marriages rarely work out.”

He couldn’t argue with her there. Of the three couples they’d gone to high school with who’d “had” to get married, only one was still together.

“Hold on.” He clamped hold of the top of the door. “What do you mean you’re not sticking around?”

Her brows shot up. “You honestly don’t expect me to move back here just because I’m pregnant?”

“I didn’t expect anything. But I sure as hell didn’t think you’d drop a bombshell like this and just take off again!”

“I’m not. I’ll be here until the end of the week.”

“Oh, well then. That’s different.”

“Dammit, Cal…” She smacked a loose hair out of her face.

“I know your life is here. But mine isn’t. And hasn’t been for a long time. I’ve invested far too much in my career, and Mama sacrificed too much to help me get there, to just drop it because I’m—we’re—going to have a baby.”

Her words only added to the debris-laden whirlwind swirling around inside his head. Yes, he’d always accepted, even if he hadn’t fully understood, that Haven could never provide Dawn with whatever it was that fed her soul, something he assumed she’d found in New York. And an hour ago he didn’t even know about this baby. Yet he already knew not being able to see this child grow up, day by day, minute by minute, would kill him.

“And if you think I’m gonna settle for being an e-mail daddy,” he said sharply, “you’re more off your nut than I thought. You can be a lawyer anywhere. Even here.”

“Right. As if there’s room for more than one attorney in a town with a population of nine hundred.”

“Hey, we’re up to nine hundred and nine now. At least three people had babies last year, nobody died and a new family with four kids bought Ned MacAllister’s property and are building on it. And besides, I hear Sherman Mosely’s thinking of retiring. That heart attack he had last year put the fear of God in him. So maybe there would be—”

“And what kind of work would I do here? Help people make out their wills? Write up contracts? My life isn’t something out of Ally McBeal. I don’t spend my days handling frivolous cases and my nights boogying in some bar.”

“I didn’t figure you did.”

“Then you should understand that I need to be someplace where I can make a real difference in people’s lives. Those kids I told you about? They need me, Cal. And if I make partner, I can help them even more.”

“In other words, Podunkville’s petty little problems don’t matter.”

“I didn’t say that! And I didn’t mean that. It’s just that…oh, hell—how can I possibly make you understand this without sounding like a snob? I’d feel stifled and useless here, can’t you understand that?”

Cal slammed his palm against the car’s roof. “And how the hell do you expect to raise a child together if we don’t live in the same place?”

“I don’t know! But I can’t just give up my life!”

“Your work comes before your child, in other words.”

“No!” Anguish swam in her eyes. “Oh, God, Cal—I may be totally clueless, and I’m still in shock, too, and I may not know what kind of mother I’ll make, but there’s a reason I never got beyond looking at the front door of that clinic! It takes my breath, how much I already love this kid. And I’m prepared to give it anything it needs. But is it so wrong to not want to lose myself in the process?”

He felt his eyes blaze into hers. “Is it so wrong for me to want to be a real part of my child’s life?”

“Of course not, but—”

“A kid shouldn’t have to grow up without its father, Dawn! And I’d think you’d be the last person to want to see that happen to your kid!”

Her face went rigid. Then she threw up her hands, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. I’m too tired to talk about this anymore right now.” He didn’t hinder her when she climbed into the car. “Maybe tomorrow?”

His chest all knotted up, Cal propped his now-stinging hand on the roof. “You plannin’ on changing your mind overnight?”

After a moment, she shook her head again.

“Well, honey—” he let go and stood up straight “—neither am I. So I’d say we’re at an impasse, wouldn’t you?”

He watched her peel out of the drive, wondering if it would have made things better or worse to admit he was every bit as scared as she was.

If not more.