Читать книгу Betrayal - Karin Alvtegen - Страница 14

Never in her life had she felt so alone.

He had slept on the sofa. Took his pillow and quilt and without saying a word he had left her with all the unanswered questions that she couldn’t bring herself to ask. His last words at the kitchen table had struck her dumb.

Anxiety like a cramp in her guts.

Why was he so angry? Where did his rage come from? What could she possibly have done to deserve being treated like this?

Alone in the double bed she was sorry that she had let Axel sleep over at her parents’ house. She would have given anything to have him here now, hear his breathing, reach out her hand and feel the warm back of his pyjamas.

At four o’clock she couldn’t stand it any more. With her face red and swollen and her eyes watering, she pulled on her robe and went out to the living room. It was still dark outside, but in the pale moonlight she could see that he was lying on his back with his arms behind his head. His knees a bit bent, the sofa too short to permit him to stretch out his legs. She wondered briefly why he didn’t go and sleep in Axel’s bed. A kid’s bed, of course, but surely better than the sofa.

She sat down in the armchair, at the very edge.

‘Are you asleep?’

He didn’t answer.

She pulled her robe tighter around her and shivered. The mullioned windows in the room needed to be puttied again. The electric heater couldn’t keep the room warm when most of the heat went straight out through the draughty cracks. It would be a time-consuming job, eight small panes in each window. Maybe they could hire someone and avoid wasting their time during their badly needed holiday. But maybe that was no longer so important.

She swallowed.

‘Henrik?’

Not a sound.

‘Henrik, dear, can’t we just talk a little? Can’t you explain to me what’s happening?’

He didn’t stir.

‘Can’t you at least explain why you’re so angry? What is it I’ve done?’

He turned over on his side and pulled up the covers. He must have heard from her voice that she had been sad, that she was still sad, but she realised that he was not going to answer even if he did hear her. He intended to shut her out and her questions as if she had never uttered them. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, trying to stifle the sound of desperation that was lodged like a scream in her throat, demanding to be released. A cornered animal whose every instinct was signalling her to fight, but she didn’t know what to defend herself against. For a good while she sat there, unable to get up, but finally she managed to persuade her legs to take her back to the empty double bed.

She had just lain down when she heard him go into the bathroom.

He left her alone.

She didn’t fall asleep until after five o’clock. At seven she woke up when the front door closed. She presumed he was going to collect Axel and take him to the day-care centre.

She lay there staring at the second-hand on her wristwatch, unable to move. Step by step it was leading her farther away from reason. How was she going to resolve this?

The sudden ring of the telephone made her gasp. The only reason she decided to pick it up was that it might be him.

‘Eva speaking.’

‘Hi, it’s me.’

‘Oh, hi Mamma.’

She lay back down.

‘How did it go yesterday?’

‘Oh, fine, thanks. Was it all right with Axel?’

‘Yes, but he woke up at half past one and was sad and absolutely wanted to ring you even though we told him it was much too late. We tried your mobiles but they were turned off, and your home phone kept giving a busy signal. Were you having a good time?’

Kept giving a busy signal?

‘Yes, it was very nice.’

Who had he called so late? Because she hadn’t heard the phone ring. And if he was on the line, the call waiting signals should still have gone through.

‘Pappa and I thought we’d ask if you two would like to come over for dinner on Sunday. I’ve got a moose steak left over from this autumn that I thought I’d do something with. I forgot to ask Henrik when he was here to fetch Axel, but you’re usually the one who takes care of the social calendar. By the way, Henrik is certainly slimmer. He must have lost a few kilos, eh?’

She sat up in bed again. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

‘Hello?’

‘Yes.’

‘Are you still there?’

‘Yes.’

‘So what do you say to dinner on Sunday?’

Sunday? Dinner?

‘I don’t think we can make it. Listen, I have to run off to work now, I was just going out the door, I’ll ring you in a day or two.’

She hung up and sat there holding the receiver to her ear. How could she have been so blind? So damned gullible. Like in a magnetic puzzle, all the bits suddenly fell into place. Late meetings. A sudden conference trip to Åland with lecturers she didn’t know. Phonecalls abruptly terminated when she came in the door.

She got up, pulled on her robe, and went into the office. There had to be something. A note, a letter, a phone number.

She started with the desk drawers. Searched methodically through both sides, one drawer after another, half her mind determined, the other terrified of finding confirmation of what she really already knew.

Never in her life had she believed that she would ever end up in a situation like this. Never.

She found nothing. Only evidence of their family’s validity. Life insurance policies, passports, bank statements, Axel’s vaccination card, the key to the safe deposit box. She went on to the bookshelf. Where? Where would he hide something that she could never be allowed to find? Was there any single place in this house where she never looked? Where he knew that his secret would be safe?

Suddenly she heard the front door open.

Trapped like a thief she hurried out of the room and back to the bedroom. She had to think, had to find out. Who was she? Who was the other woman who was taking her husband from her? Destroying her life. The threat pulsed through her body.

Just as she heard his steps coming up the stairs, she opened the bedroom door and stepped out.

They stood eye to eye, two metres from each other.

An eternity between them.

He looked surprised when he saw her.

‘Aren’t you at work?’

He kept going, heading for his place at the kitchen table, the everyday sound of the chair legs scraping on the wooden floor. Then he grabbed the newspaper and she lost all self-control. Without hesitation she went over to him, tore the paper out of his hands, and flung it across the room. He stared at her.

‘Are you crazy?’

He still had the coldness in his eyes. An indifference that was just as effective as a police barrier. She was no longer welcome. Armed with his secret he sat safely ensconced, shielded from her attacks, while she stood naked and unprotected, with no effective weapon to use.

Rage flooded through her. She wanted to strike, wound, crush. Do harm in return. Regain the balance. She hated the weakness he was creating inside her.

‘I only want you to answer one question. How long has this been going on?’

She saw him swallow.

‘What’s that?’

He must have sensed the danger, because he no longer dared meet her gaze. That reassured her, almost made her smile. Slowly but surely she was regaining the upper hand. She was the one who had right on her side. He had lied and cheated and would have to answer for his betrayal, would be put to shame.

She sat down on the chair across from him.

‘All right, maybe you have several going at once, but I was thinking of the woman you were talking to on the phone last night.’

He stood up, went over to the sink, and drank straight out of the tap. She restrained herself from showering him with all the words that were clamouring to come out. The best torture would be to sit quietly; the worst thing she could do to him would be to force him to speak.

He straightened up again and turned to her.

‘It was just a friend.’

‘I see. Anybody I know?’

‘No.’

Short and to the point. He looked straight at her and it made her waver. For the first time in a long while he was looking her in the eye with a steady gaze. Where was he getting the strength, if not from the fact that he was unjustly accused?

‘What’s the friend’s name then? And where did you meet her? Because I assume it’s a she.’

‘Does that make any difference?’

‘Yes. If my husband has such a good friend that he can call her in the middle of the night and wants to talk when I’m in bed in the next room, then I’d like to know about it.’

She could see that he hesitated, taking an unwashed coffee cup from the counter and putting it in the dishwasher. Then he came back and sat down at the table.

Husband and wife, face to face across their familiar kitchen table.

A sudden calm.

It was now that they should talk. A businesslike pause in the hurricane that permitted them to approach each other, as if they were going to talk about some other couple. All the questions would finally be answered, all the lies admitted. Reality would be unveiled and the truth would stand there raw and naked. What would happen afterwards was like an unspoken agreement and unimportant right now.

As long as the truth was finally told.

‘Her name is Maria.’

Maria.

‘And where did you meet her?’

‘She’s a graphic designer at Widman’s.’

‘How long have you known her?’

He shrugged.

‘Maybe six months.’

‘Why haven’t you told me about her?’

No reply.

‘Why did you call her last night?’

‘How do you know I did?’

‘Does that really matter? You did call, didn’t you?’

‘Yes. I rang her up last night. She’s . . .’

He broke off and shifted position on the chair, looking as if he would like nothing better than to get up and leave.

‘I don’t know. She’s nice to talk to.’

‘About what?’

‘Everything.’

‘About us?’

‘Yes, that has probably come up.’

She felt sick again.

‘So what did you say?’

‘Well, I suppose I’ve told her the truth.’

‘Which is?’

He took a deep breath, revealing his reluctance.

‘I’ve said that we, well, that I, what the hell, she’s nice to talk to, that’s all. She’s a fun girl.’

A fun girl.

We don’t have fun any more.

Maria.

Her husband had called Maria from Widman’s last night at one thirty in the morning. He had called and talked with Maria while she lay alone in the bedroom with her hopeless questions and her lacy underwear.

Bloody hell.

What had he said? Had he told her about the champagne she had bought and about the trip? The mere thought made her want to throw up. Somewhere there was a woman who knew more about their relationship than she did herself, who possessed information about her life that even she couldn’t find out. She felt betrayed, abandoned. At a disadvantage to a woman she had never even seen.

Reality was encroaching. The pause was over.

‘And how do you think that makes me feel? That you sit there telling her everything about me and our relationship?’

He glanced longingly at the door to his office, but she had no intention of letting him off the hook.

‘Don’t you understand what it feels like? If you think we have problems then I’m the one you ought to talk to, not her.’

A brief silence. Then the indifference in his gaze again.

‘I have the right to talk to whoever I want, you have nothing to do with it.’

There was a stranger sitting across the table.

Maybe he had always been one. Maybe she had never really known him. She had merely lived in the same house with him for fifteen years but never knew who he actually was. She simply didn’t understand his rage. Why couldn’t he at least understand how bad he was making her feel? Or if he did, why didn’t it matter to him? Why did he keep striking when she was already vanquished?

He got up, and now there was something new in his eyes. Maybe it was utter disgust that she saw.

‘You’re just jealous that I’m having fun.’

‘Oh, is that what you think? Do you sleep with each other too?’

She had to know.

This time he snorted.

‘No, what the hell do you think? Just because we like talking to each other and having fun. You can save your fucking fantasies for your fucking business strategies.’

He went to his office and slammed the door.

Two years ago they had replaced the glass in that door, working on it together.

Maria at Widman’s. She’s a really fun girl.

She saw that the geranium in the kitchen window needed watering, and she got up to fetch the watering can. And then she mustn’t forget to pay that bill for Axel’s swimming lessons.

She stood there holding the watering can and staring out the window. A van was parked in the neighbour’s driveway, and two men were busy unloading a large assortment of well-packaged appliances. Boom or bust. How different things could be just a few metres away.

She took her handbag and went downstairs to the front door.

‘I’m looking for Maria.’

She was standing outside amongst the trees in the park. Ringing from inside the house had felt impossible. The mere thought of standing amongst their things and hearing this woman’s voice at the same time was inconceivable. She didn’t really know why, but for some reason she felt a tremendous urge to hear her voice. This Maria at Widman’s who knew things about her that she didn’t even know. What had Henrik said? What had he told her? Somehow she had to regain her equilibrium, create her own advantage.

‘You’re looking for a Maria?’

‘Yes, Maria.’

If you have several, then pick the one who’s the most fun and who likes to stick her nose into things that are none of her business.

‘You must have the wrong number.’

‘Isn’t this Widman’s Graphics?’

‘Yes it is, but there’s no Maria here.’

She hung up and stood there. The adrenaline was pumping through her body but had no means of release. What, there was no Maria?

In her confusion she went round the corner of the house and saw the van pull out from the neighbour’s driveway. She went in the front door and continued into the bathroom, letting her clothes drop to the floor.

Why was he lying to her? Why did he say that he was talking to Maria at Widman’s when she didn’t exist? She couldn’t really ask him, didn’t want to admit she was snooping, for goodness’ sake. She had no intention of giving him the satisfaction of knowing that she had stooped to something like that.

She found them behind the shower gel Axel had given her for her birthday. Mostly she was surprised at his carelessness. Or had they been left there intentionally, as an open declaration of war? Perhaps someone who was so much fun and so good to talk to wanted to consolidate her new territory, make a show of strength as she took over.

He was lying to her.

That pig was lying to her, and the contempt for his cowardice aroused a new impulse inside her. A feeling she had never experienced before.

You must not lie. Especially not to someone who trusted you, someone who for fifteen years had trusted you and believed that you were her closest friend.

And when the lie also threatened the other person’s entire life, it was unforgivable.

And the thing you definitely shouldn’t do, without deliberately planning it, was to leave her earrings behind your wife’s eucalyptus shower gel.