Читать книгу An Idiot Abroad - Karl Pilkington - Страница 7

‘He’s a real, genuine freak that we have often thought we would like to introduce to the world, like two Victorian showmen, like P.T. Barnum and his fat friend who are just saying, “Look, you must come and observe this wonder of the world!”’

Stephen

‘I mean, he is – I don’t know the politically correct term – a moron. A completely round, empty-headed, part-chimp Manc.’

Ricky

‘In many regards we’ve often described him – and it’s appropriate – as being like some kind of real-life Homer Simpson.’

Stephen

‘Yes.’

Ricky

‘Homer is arrogant and yet an idiot. Smallminded, petty. But at his core a good person.’

Stephen

‘And lovable. Absolutely lovable. He’s got child rights because he says the most awful things so naively and sweetly. Things like “Chinese people don’t age well ...” I go, ‘What?’ He goes “They don’t age well”’ He says, “You'll never see a thirty-five-year-old one.” I go, “What do you mean?” He went, “Well, they’re good-looking when they’re young but then they age overnight. They’re like a pear.” I mean, racism. Like, you know...’

Ricky

‘It’s not racist. It’s just ignorant.’

Stephen

‘It’s just ignorance, he thinks that. I went, “Well, some of the oldest people in the world are Chinese”. He went, “Are they though?” He thinks they might be lying. He thinks these old Chinese boys might be thirty-five but lying about their age ’cos they don’t age well. I mean, he’s an idiot. I mean, his theories, his outlook on life. He really would never go away if it wasn’t for his girlfriend.’

Ricky

‘He’d’ve been happier in medieval times in a village where you didn’t travel beyond the local community. That would’ve been fine for him.’

Stephen

‘Yeah, making up his own theories about the moon.’

Ricky

‘Terrified because he doesn’t know where it goes during the day.’

Stephen

‘Yeah, he’s quite remarkable. So I think we should broaden his outlook. And they say travel broadens the mind. So I just think it’d be amazing to send him round the world...’

Ricky

‘Well, yeah. I mean, he’s travelled, but it’s only been to places like Majorca. Somewhere safe, a little two-week package holiday.’

Stephen

‘If it wasn’t for his girlfriend, he wouldn’t do anything. His job at home is washing-up. He looks forward to that because that’s something he’s done. Often I call him and he says, “I’m washing-up” like it’s a big event. One day he’d started a diary and he did the washing-up and took his girlfriend’s shoes to the cobblers. Now I hadn’t heard the word “cobblers” in ages...’

Ricky

‘I didn’t realise cobblers still existed. I thought they were only in fairytales.’

Stephen

‘Yes, exactly. And she makes him go on holiday. When she books a holiday he goes, “Oh, I gotta go or I’d just stay at home alone”, and when he does that he forgets to eat. Once, right, someone at the radio station where he used to work sent us an email that Karl had sent by mistake, right? It was an email from his girlfriend. She was out that night and so, in detail, she was telling him where the quiche was in the fridge, cut it up in slices and she even put “eat” on it.’

Ricky

‘Didn’t he try and put fish fingers in a toaster or something?’

Stephen

'Yeah, he did that once. No, sausages.’

Ricky

‘Sausages.’

Stephen

‘Yeah, she came home going, “What are you doing?” He’d forgot to drink so he’d had kidney stones. I mean, he is...’

Ricky

‘He’s a typical little Englander and he doesn’t like going out of his comfort zone. That’s key. You know, he’s got everything around him that he’s happy with and he’s comfortable with. Even when he goes on holiday, you know, he’s the sort of person who packs some teabags. He’s not comfortable going beyond things he doesn’t understand. And he thinks he’s not interested. What excites us is the idea of forcing him to get out there. We’d like to see him go out into the world, experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if, in any way, We can change his outlook on the world.’

Stephen

‘Yeah. Can I just say that I’ve got to admit that Stephen’s motives are a lot purer than mine. He wants Karl to enjoy it...’

Ricky

'I’ve travelled. I’ve been to many exotic places. I genuinely think travel broadens the mind. I’ve become a richer person for it...’

Stephen

‘I want him to hate it. I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement. That’s it. I think we’ve gotta send him economy. I think we’ve gotta put him up in shacks and awful hotels. I think we’ve gotta expose him to some of the most mind-blowing degradation that we can. And that’ll be funny. Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick. I am that stick and now I have the might of Sky behind me. This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I’ve ever done. And it’s gonna be great.’

Ricky

‘I’m hoping as well that he’ll be poked by some real sticks.’

Stephen

'I know. What country do they poke you with sticks?’

Ricky

‘There’s gotta be a country where they poke you with sticks...’

Stephen

‘There’s bound to be. There’s bound to be one of them weird little countries where, if you see a man with a round head, you’re allowed to poke him with a stick. One of those unrepealed laws. Just find me that country!’

Ricky