Читать книгу Dreams & Desires - Kat Cantrell - Страница 18

Eleven

“Why is that?” Parker asked Clare.

“Forget it,” she said with a shake of her head, as if she were clearing away an unpleasant memory. “It’s a long story.”

Something told him not to push the issue of her family, but eventually they were going to talk about it, and he was going to get to the root of the problem. Even if he had to take drastic measures. The key to her heart was in there somewhere under all the baggage, and he was going to find it.

But for now he would let it slide.

“By the way, I noticed last night that the toilet in your bathroom was running like crazy,” he said.

“I know. I have to call a plumber.”

“You want me to take a look at it?”

“You know how to fix a toilet?”

“Yup.”

“What kind of millionaire are you?”

He laughed. “Not a very good one, I guess.”

“You sure don’t act like a rich guy.”

“Are you forgetting? I drive a luxury import.”

“That you put a Santa hat and antlers on for Christmas.”

He grinned. “I like Christmas.”

“And you are the least pretentious person I know. There’s a rumor going around that you give a lot of your money to charity.”

“My dad’s money,” he said. “And my reasons are not as philanthropic as you might think. I give his money away to charity because I know that’s the last thing he would want me to do with it.”

“Not the charitable type?”

“For him it was all about making more money. It was never enough. He died a very wealthy man, but his money never did anyone much good. Not even him.”

“And now it does.”

“Exactly. I may have to live with the millionaire label, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“So, when did you learn to fix a toilet?”

“My father believed I should know everything about running his business, from the ground up. Including building maintenance. So instead of letting me volunteer for Greenpeace during summer break—which is what I really wanted to do—I was forced to follow George the maintenance guy around for three months. I thought it was all a total waste of time. As a doctor I wouldn’t need to know how to fix a toilet or unclog a drain.”

“Unless your home toilet breaks and the plumber can’t make it over for a week.”

“Exactly. Looking back, I’m thankful for everything I learned. I really have used a lot of that knowledge in my adult life. Not everything he taught me was a total waste of time. His tyrannical way of running his business taught me the best way not to talk to my staff. He thought that he was better than anyone who had less money than him. I was supposed to take over his business. Instead, I sold it all off before the body was cold.”

Her brows rose.

“I know that sounds crass, and probably a little selfish, but the offer was made and I took it. I never wanted his business. From the time I was small I was into nature and conservation. There was a time when I seriously considered becoming a veterinarian.”

“No way.”

“I loved animals, and it got me into trouble sometimes.”

“How so?”

“When I was a kid, maybe thirteen or fourteen, I got wind of a project my dad and his company would be working on. They were trying to buy land and develop on a nature preserve. I went on a campaign to stop them.”

“You must have been a really confident kid to take on not only a huge company but also your own father.”

“I’m not sure if it was confidence, stupidity or just a glaring lack of common sense, but when he figured out what I was up to he grounded me for a month.”

“And you said that your mother wasn’t around?”

“It was a pretty strange situation actually. My father hired my mother as a surrogate. He wanted an heir, a mini me, if you will. Long story short, they fell in love.”

“Wow, it sounds like the plot of a romance novel or movie. What could be more romantic?”

“Shortly after my birth she left us both for the limo driver.”

Clare cringed. “Okay, so not that romantic,” she said. “How sad that must have been for your father, especially with a newborn baby.”

“I think he was more angry than sad. For pretty much my entire childhood he drilled into me that women were all liars and cheaters and were not to be trusted. He considered them playthings.”

“And you believed him?”

“You hear something enough times, you can’t help but believe it. He more or less had me brainwashed.”

One bad experience and Parker’s father felt the need to judge all women? “What a horrible thing to do to you,” she said.

“I had money to burn, a career I loved and women champing at the bit, willing to do pretty much anything to land me. And I let them, knowing damn well I would never settle down. In my eyes, life should have been perfect. In reality I felt empty, and disgusted with myself. At that point I knew things had to change. I can’t really blame my mother for leaving,” Parker said. “If you knew my father you would understand why. To put it in simple terms, he was a bully. It was his way or the highway.”

“So you’ve never even met her?”

He shook his head. “I haven’t even seen a picture. I thought I might find some when he died, but he probably burned them.”

“If she thought your father was that terrible, why did she leave you there with him?”

“I’ve asked myself that same thing a million times.”

“I just... I don’t understand. I’ll never understand how a woman could leave her own child.”

“I’ll probably never know why she did it, but I’d like to think she left out of her love for me. That I was somehow better off without her. I guess I’ll never know for sure.”

“You’ve never tried to find her? It probably wouldn’t be that difficult.”

“I’m not difficult to find either.”

There was so much buried pain and bitterness in those words it hurt her heart.

“Why don’t we talk about something else?” he said, stretching out across the bed and pulling her down with him. “Or better yet, let’s not talk at all.”

Tempting, but there was something she had to say to him, something he deserved to hear, hard as it would be. She untangled herself from his arms and sat up. “No, we do need to talk.”

He sat up, too. “What?”

“I need to explain to you why I’m the way I am. You know, my need to be in control of myself at all times. Especially in bed.”

“Clare, you don’t have to explain.”

“No, I do. I want you to understand.” She took his hand between her two and squeezed it. “I trust you.”

The smile he flashed her made her feel all warm inside. She was starting to believe that he genuinely cared about her. Which was awful, of course, and wonderful. And she didn’t have a clue what to do about it.

One step at a time, Clare.

“This happened a long time ago, at my first job out of nursing school. Before I started working at the hospital I worked very briefly at an OB-GYN practice. It was my first real job besides working on my parents’ farm and I was incredibly naive. One of the doctors sort of took me under his wing. Then into his bed.”

Parker looked pained, but stayed quiet.

“He was older, and way more sophisticated. I felt so honored that he picked me. For a month he was my entire world. We had to keep it a secret, of course. For my sake, he said. So it wouldn’t look like favoritism. I thought we were falling in love, then his pregnant wife showed up at the office.”

Parker mumbled a curse. “I take it you didn’t know he was married?”

She shook her head. “He never talked about her, or even had a picture in his office. I didn’t have a clue. Needless to say I ended it the second she was gone. I never would have gone near him if I knew. He came on strong and was so persistent.”

“And I did the same damn thing, didn’t I?” His laugh was a wry one. “All the time I thought I was being charming, you thought I was a total creep.”

She cracked a smile. “Well, not a total creep.”

“I’m really sorry, Clare.”

“There’s no way you could have known. Besides, I’m not the person now that I was back then. I’d been so sheltered up to that point. My family is really big and very traditional. My parents wouldn’t even talk about letting me date until I was seventeen, and by then I was cramming to get on the honor list so I could get a scholarship and get the hell out of there. Nursing school was brutal, so I spent most of my time studying. I didn’t have much experience with boys, and I had virtually no experience with men. It never even occurred to me that a married man would initiate an intimate relationship. Where I was from men didn’t do that sort of thing. Or if they did, no one talked about it.”

“So what happened? Did the pregnant wife find out?”

“She found an old text that he’d saved. A very personal and explicit text.”

“You were sexting.”

She nodded. “She was not happy about it. It was a huge blowout. He said that I seduced him. Needless to say I lost my job. And my dignity. No one believed me when I said I didn’t know he was married.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Most people didn’t see it that way, my family included. I was devastated and I needed someone to talk to. My aunt was away on business and I couldn’t get ahold of her. I called my sister Sue instead. Growing up, she was the one I was closest to. I made her swear that she would take it to the grave. Two minutes after we hung up my mother called in hysterics. She said that I should have known better and I should come right back to the ranch where I belonged. I was a simple country girl and people would always try to take advantage of me. And it was high time I realized that I would never make it on my own, and I needed my family. She wouldn’t even let me try to explain. She ended the conversation by saying how disappointed she was in me.”

“That’s a tough one,” he said.

“It gets worse. My dad called me later that day to say that the family had had a meeting and everyone agreed that I had to come home.”

His eyes went wide. “Your mom told the whole family?”

Clare nodded. “Of course I told my dad no, I wouldn’t be coming home. I was too ashamed and mortified to show my face. No one even bothered to ask if I was okay. Then my siblings started calling me, trying to shame me into coming back home, saying how much everyone missed me. It’s horrible when everyone you love and care about turns their back on you. I was devastated.”

“You had every right to be. They betrayed your trust.”

“They would tell you that I betrayed theirs.”

“They’re dead wrong. And shame on your brothers and sisters for not being there for you.”

“Aunt Kay was the only one who believed me. Who cared. She invited me to come stay with her until I was back on my feet. I spent most of the first month in bed. But Kay was friends with the hospital administrator at Royal Memorial and she got me an interview. I didn’t want to go, but she insisted. It was probably the best thing she could have done for me. With work to focus on I was able to put what happened behind me. Originally I had planned to get my own place, but we realized that it didn’t make sense. Kay only uses the house as a home base when she isn’t traveling, which isn’t very often. She likes having someone here to keep an eye on things. It ended up being a perfect situation for both of us.”

He shook his head, looking baffled. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Besides, I’m not finished.”

“It gets worse?”

“I’ve only ever told Aunt Kay, because I knew she of all people would understand. It’s very difficult to talk about the things that he did to me. But I have to tell you.”

He looked pained. “You don’t have to tell me.”

She took a deep breath and blew it out, trembling from head to toe. “No, I want to. I need to.”

He put his hand on her shoulder. “Only if you’re ready.”

“He was my first. And I know that sounds crazy considering my age, but I wanted to save myself for someone special. It’s how I was raised. I honestly thought he was the one. That’s why I let him do what he wanted to do.”

“Which was?”

She swallowed hard. You can do this. “He liked it...rough.”

Parker winced. “But not your first time. Right?”

Though she wanted to bow her head in shame, she held it high instead. “He didn’t force me, and I could have said no, but I was so head over heels for him, I would have done anything he asked. Even though it terrified me. He got off on my fear.”

Looking confused, Parker asked, “So, am I to understand that every time you had sex with him, you were scared? Or am I way off base?”

She took a deep breath and blew it out. “Every time. Some more than others. It depended on his mood. Near the end of the relationship he had begun to get very aggressive. And again, I could have walked away. I chose to stay.”

“This doctor have a name?” Parker asked, jaw clenched. “In honor of your dignity and self-respect, I’d like to kick his teeth in.”

“He wouldn’t be worth the effort. He was a sleazebag. He’ll probably always be one. It was just poor judgment on my part.”

“Listen to me,” Parker said, gently cradling her face in his hands. “It’s not your fault.”

She folded her hands over his. “I know that now, but it still stings after all this time. I’m still humiliated. Without fail, every time I’m visiting the farm someone makes a snide remark about the relationship. They’ll never let me live it down.”

“You’re giving them way too much power,” he said.

“Probably. And I hope that someday I can let it go. I’m just not ready yet.”

“What can I do?” he said.

“Just be patient with me. ”

“I can do that,” he said with a smile. After everything she’d just revealed, all the pain she had spilled out, she could smile, too. It felt good to talk about it. To let off some of the pressure.

“After it was over, it took years before I wanted to have sex again,” she told him, “and a long time after that before I could let myself enjoy it. I’ve come a long way since then, but I’m still not one hundred percent there. Maybe I’ll never be.”

“No, you will be.”