Читать книгу Small-Town Dreams and The Girl Next Door - Kate Welsh - Страница 15

Cassidy turned from taunting Joshua to the wizened old woman ensconced in a small recliner. She had a cap of snowy white, wavy hair and wore a pair of thick frameless glasses. Her snap-front housecoat, while bearing the burden of many washes, was still the brightest, cheeriest thing in the room. She made an incongruous statement sitting in an unabashed piece of modern Americana while the rest of the furniture had seen more than half a century’s use.

Thin gingham curtains filtered the light, and old rag rugs dotted the wide planking of the floors. Against one wall sat a tattered old sofa covered with a patchwork quilt that was the same log cabin design as the one Joshua had lent her that first night. She wondered idly if Maude had taught Irma the pattern.

“You that new boarder at Irma’s?” Maude asked.

“I’ve rented a room from the Tallingers, yes.”

A challenging look entered the old woman’s eyes. “Well, you like what you see or are you feelin’ sorry for poor old Maude? If it’s sorry, then go wait in the truck! Got no time for moony youngun’s with more money than sense.”

Cassidy was used to gruff. She’d been raised on gruff and wasn’t in the least intimidated by it. In fact, after the worrisome camaraderie of the ride here, she saw the chance to spar with Maude as a welcome distraction. “I’ve got no problem with what I’ve seen of your house, Miss Maude. It’s homey and clean.”

“Not fancy as yours, though. That what you’re thinking?”

“What I was thinking is that my apartment is about as friendly as a museum. I can guarantee you’d hate it. Actually, the day I left for this unplanned vacation, I more or less decided that I wasn’t too crazy about it myself.”

The old woman gave a sharp nod as if Cassidy had passed some sort of test. “Sit and tell me about yourself. Joshua, you run along and see to my water closet. So tell me, young lady, why’d you fix your home up the way you did if you don’t like it?”

“I didn’t, exactly. I hired a decorator because I didn’t have time to do it myself.”

“Did I hear you right?” Maude asked with a deep frown, and leaned forward. “You have a job that keeps you so busy you had to hire someone to spend your money for you?”

Joshua’s bark of laughter echoed from the doorway. “You tell her, Miss Maude.”

Cassidy scowled and shot him a look that had sent other men scurrying for cover. She’d walked into that one, but refused to let Maude score points for him. He scored enough of them for himself. “I thought you went to fix the plumbing.”

Josh put his hands up as if to ward off an attack and retreated down the hall, his laughter trailing after him.

“You ain’t gonna scare that boy into meekness, child. He’s faced bigger challenges in his lifetime than any of God’s children should ever see, and not buckled.”

Cassidy turned back to face Maude and thought that the old woman was more than a little right. “It doesn’t seem fair, does it,” she said, giving up on the idea of using Maude as a distraction from thinking of Joshua. She felt compelled to hear all she could about his story—about him.

Maude made a dismissive gesture with her hand. “Fair’s a weather forecast. Got nothin’ to do with life. In my day, we were happy if we had enough to eat between wakin’ with the sun and the rising of the moon. Now Joshua, he’s doing fine for himself. Got a job he loves working for the Lord Almighty. No better life’s work than that.”

“But he’s lost his whole life. All his wonderful childhood memories are gone,” Cassidy said, her voice breaking. It worried her—how much she cared about his pain.

But she had no time to worry, because the old woman shrugged her thin shoulders in a way that eloquently stated que sera sera, and said, “Could be there aren’t all that many good memories for him to recall. This could all be the Lord’s plan. Maybe Joshua shouldn’t remember a family who never looked for him.”

“It does seem odd that they didn’t, doesn’t it,” Cassidy conceded.

Maude pursed her lips and nodded. “Yep.”

“And he does seem to have a full life.”

“’Course he does. He’s using the gifts the Man upstairs gave him. You should see him with the little ones crawling all over him in the nursery. And he can sit down with the ones that’re just a mite bit older and make the Lord come alive for them. But it’s the older ones in those hard teen years. He can sure talk to them, and, more important, he gets them talking back.”

“I’d like to see that. I’ve only seen him with Irma and Henry.”

“You didn’t go to services last night?”

“No. I had some thinking to do. I’m…confused about my life.”

“Can’t imagine a better place to think than in the Lord’s house, hearing His word preached. He’s the guider of your life, child.”

Cassidy shrugged, discounting that idea. “Why would He care what I do with my life? I have no desire to enter the ministry, believe me.” She’d never relied on God to help her make a decision, until flipping the coin that brought her to Mountain View. A mocking voice inside her head chided, No, you’ve let your grandfather run your life for you.

“You think He doesn’t care what the rest of us do? My brother Ethan prayed every morning for His guidance and wisdom to come to him throughout the day. Far as I can see, he never made a wrong step in life. So tell me, what’s wrong with your life that has you confused? Besides that you hire other people to fix up your house a way you don’t like, of course.”

Cassidy smiled at Maude’s teasing, then sobered when she really thought about how to answer the old woman. “My job is very high pressure, besides requiring long hours. And—” She hesitated, knowing that once she said it aloud, she’d have to own the truth. “And I hate it.”

Maude’s wrinkled face wrinkled even more. “Then, why do it?”

“I work in my grandfather’s steel company. My father was supposed to take over the reins from Grandfather, but my parents were killed when I was six. Grandfather raised me after that. He always told me it was my duty to succeed him since my father was gone. I’m obligated to him. You understand obligation and family ties?”

Maude nodded, her eyes sober.

“Joshua doesn’t,” Cassidy continued. “He has no real family ties. He’s working with Henry because he wants to, not because he has to. I have to. But…” She stopped mid-thought. There was wisdom in the grave murky golden eyes assessing her. And she wanted that wisdom. “Miss Maude, do I owe my grandfather the rest of my life? It doesn’t seem fair, but then, you already told me the real meaning of fair.”

Maude only frowned, obviously deep in thought. She closed her eyes, and several silent minutes later Cassidy realized the old woman had fallen asleep. Disappointment pricked at her, but she shrugged. It was just as well, she thought. She knew the answer Maude would give her. Older people understood duty and honoring their family obligations.

So she sat thumbing through Maude’s Bible and came to the book of Joshua. She remembered Josh’s explanation of how he’d gotten his name, and wondered if Maude was right. Did God really do more than observe from afar? Could the distant Being she’d only thought of in passing for years really care enough about her to guide her life? To want her to be happy?

“I suppose you’ll be rushing back to your grandfather and his company as soon as your car is fixed,” Maude grumbled.

Cassidy fumbled the Bible. “Oh, I thought you’d drifted off!” She looked up into eyes that were shrewd and penetrating.

“Well, of course I did. I’m an old woman. I sleep all the time. Waste of time if you ask me. I don’t have much left before I go home to the Lord, and here I am doing something I don’t want to do but I don’t have a choice. You do. It’s stupid for you to waste your youth trying to be what you aren’t. Now, go keep Joshua company. I’m going to take a nap. A long one this time.”

Joshua looked over his shoulder as he pulled the trash out of the truck bed and tossed it into the Dumpster behind Irma’s Cafe. Cassidy stood leaning against the rear fender of the pickup, looking up at the sky. She’d been quiet ever since he’d left her alone with Maude. He’d taken her up there hoping time with someone with more problems than she had would give Cassie some perspective, but she seemed even more troubled now. “Did Maude say something to upset you?”

Cassidy looked at him as he walked to her side. “Not upset. She gave me a lot to think about. At first she mostly talked about you.”

“A truly terrifying subject, I can see.”

She smiled for the first time in an hour. “You are such a teaser, Joshua Daniels. What I’ve been thinking about are the things she said about God. Her perceptions of Him, and yours and Irma and Henry’s, are so different from any I’ve ever heard before. You all seem to think He really cares. Irma said He even cares what we do with our lives.”

“I believe He does.”

“I guess you must. She also told me not to waste my life doing something I don’t want to do. But Josh, what about that commandment? It’s something about honoring our parents. Wouldn’t that extend to my grandfather, too, since he was my guardian? He wants me to work with him, and I don’t think I want to. How is that honoring his wishes?”

Josh sighed. “I always thought this amnesia of mine was a burden. Maybe it isn’t if pleasing family is this much trouble. I can’t imagine not doing what I do. Doesn’t your grandfather want you to be happy?”

“He thinks Jamison Steel will make me happy.”

“Maybe you need to tell him it doesn’t. It seems to me that if he loves you, he’ll understand. As for God, of course He cares what you do with your life. In Luke 12:6 and 12:7, Jesus tells that even though sparrows aren’t worth a lot of money, God knows about what is happening to every one of them. Now figure that if He cares that much about lowly birds, we’re worth much more to Him. Is it any wonder that He cares much more what is happening to us and what we do with our lives?”

“I guess,” she said almost unconsciously, and returned to her silent perusal of the sky. “Could God have a different plan for me than working at Jamison Steel?”

“I only know that we don’t always understand at the time why things happen or why life takes us in another direction than the one we thought we’d go, but that eventually we understand. Then it’s like this lightbulb goes on and we say, ‘Oh, now I get it.’”

Cassidy crossed her arms. He could see her thinking, her eyes staring unseeingly ahead, yet alive and active. He knew a tough question was coming. She didn’t disappoint him. “Then…if He’s really out there directing things, why not tell us what’s up somehow. And why do awful things happen, like you getting hurt so badly, if He’s the one directing them?”

Josh took a deep breath and said a silent prayer for the right words. “You mean like, why do bad things happen to good people? It’s an age-old question and the answer is really pretty simple. Because He gave us free will, and some people choose to use it for evil or are just careless in the case of accidents.

“I guess there are some things that happen that He could stop like tornados and such, but He doesn’t. And that sort of plays into the first part of your question,” he continued. “If we knew why trials come into our lives, we wouldn’t need to rely on Him. And He wants us to turn to Him. In the tough times when we rely on His strength, He gives us this sweet peace about our circumstance, and we get to know His love better that way.”

“So He could really want me to do something else?”

“Maybe. Or maybe He wants you at least to change your priorities.” Josh dropped an arm behind her onto the wall of the pickup bed and stared off at the sky with her. He wondered if she saw the Lord’s majesty in the stars the way he did.

When Cassidy turned her head and looked up at him, Josh felt as if Jerry Frank’s prize mare had kicked him in the stomach.

“Why can’t life be as simple as this?” she asked, her hand gesturing to the quiet forest scene before them.

“Can’t imagine,” he said.

He stood there staring down into her compelling gaze, at a complete loss for words. All he wanted at that moment was to feel her in his arms and her lips under his. Josh stepped back, sure she would be horrified if she knew what he’d been thinking.

As he turned away, he thought he saw a look of disappointment cross her expression. But when he looked back a split second later, he was sure he’d been wrong.

Josh looked up from the commentary on Daniel he was reading when he heard movement at the door of the study. Cassidy stood framed by the light of the parlor, curiosity written on her features. He glanced around the room with its floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and cheery fire leaping in the fireplace. He wanted to remember her here in this room he loved so dearly. “Come on in. What can I do for you?”

She shrugged. “I’m sort of at loose ends. What are you doing?”

“Henry’s eyesight isn’t all that good anymore. I’m looking up some references for him.”

“References? You mean where something is in the Bible?”

Josh shook his head. “I’ve got most of that in my head. Henry, too. No, this is more like which church scholar said what. What their insights were into a certain Bible passage or a circumstance in the life of…well, like right now we’re in Daniel.”

She smiled. “One of your heroes if I remember correctly.” Cassidy’s gaze dropped to his crowded desk, then lifted to meet his eyes. “Are biblical commentaries at all like financial commentaries done by leading economists?”

“I would imagine so, except these commentaries have lasted through the centuries.” He gestured with his head toward the books piled about him. “Some of these are recent, some were written hundreds of years ago. They rarely disagree on the basic tenets of faith, but they often do on other matters. Each work is one man’s or men’s opinion.”

“Is that why you study so many different opinions?” she asked, rounding the desk. She looked over the books, then turned and leaned back against the desk.

He pushed away from the desk and rocked his chair back so he could look up at her. She looked so sweet with her oversize flannel shirt hanging to her knees and her gamine face so alive and questioning.

“That’s why,” he answered. “And it’s why Henry taught me to search the Scriptures for myself. I never take anyone’s word for what they say,” he explained, then felt a little wary as he caught the probing look in her eyes.

“How long have you been writing Henry’s sermons for him?”

Josh sat up straighter. “How did you—?”

“I started out doing research for Grandfather a few times when he had to give a speech to the board of directors. But he couldn’t put a speech of his own together from the notes I made because they were facts I thought were pertinent—opinions I agreed with.”

Josh relaxed a little, sure Cassidy wouldn’t hurt Henry by mentioning what she knew. He wondered if Irma had figured it out yet. “He just can’t do both sermons anymore. His eyes tire too easily. I do every other Wednesday’s Bible study service myself, and write the following Sunday’s message for him. By then, he’s able to do the next Wednesday’s by himself.”

“So then you prepare his Sunday message again and Wednesday’s so he can handle the following Sunday himself. Is that about the way it goes?”

“Not too much gets by you. Henry deserves any help I can give him. He and Irma saved my life as well as my sanity after I came to and had nothing to cling to but them. Henry shouldn’t have to step down as pastor until he’s ready to do it. He lives for his church and its parishioners.”

She nodded. “I can see that. So tell me about Daniel. What’s it about?”

“It’s one of the hardest books other than Revelations to study, and one of the most attacked because of how accurate the prophecy is. Many people try to say it was written later than it was. His prophecy is so accurate that he foretold to the day when Jesus Christ would ride triumphant into Jerusalem.”

She picked up the notes he’d finished on the third chapter of John for the following Wednesday night’s service. “’For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved.’”

Cassie looked up, her eyes alive with hope and questions. He wanted more than to lead her to Jesus at that moment. He wanted to see that wonder and happiness every day of his life. He also knew it was impossible.

“Do you believe this?” she asked.

Josh pushed his chair back farther from where she stood so close. Too close. He was there to counsel her on life—not wish for her to become part of his. “I wouldn’t be sitting here writing sermons and reading seven different commentaries if I didn’t. Those two verses sort of say it all. It’s one of those basic tenets I spoke of earlier. But it doesn’t stop there. You can’t imagine the peace believing those words brings to your life. When there was nothing but fear and trial in my life, Henry taught me those words, and Jesus brought me the peace I desperately needed. I knew that if my eternity was certain, then I could endure anything until that day came.”

She had such an expressive face that he knew a question was coming. “Is everyone saved just because He came? That doesn’t seem right, with all the people running around these days doing whatever they want to do. So many people commit crimes, even to the point of mass murder.”

“Everyone who professes Him as savior is redeemed. Don’t forget, Jesus also said the path to salvation is a narrow one. Here—” Josh rummaged in the top drawer looking for the copy of the New Testament Henry had given him in those early days when his faith was new.

He looked up and something he didn’t remember feeling before slammed into him. At that moment he wanted nothing but to pull her onto his lap and just hold her. It made her nearness sheer torture to his lonely heart. Josh tried to shake off those feelings and went back to his search, moving to the next drawer down.

Finally he found what he was after, and as he handed it to her he prayed she wouldn’t notice his shaking hands or see his heart’s desire in his eyes. “Why don’t you take this up with you and read some of it. If you have any questions, we can talk tomorrow.”

Cassidy blinked, and he almost winced at the confusion that clouded her eyes.

“Sure. I’ll do that,” she said, backing away. “Sorry I bothered you. I can see how busy you are.”

She retreated from the room in a rush before Josh could call her back and try to explain why he needed to cut their talk short. But then, he hadn’t a clue what excuse he’d use anyway. All he knew was that at what he feared had been a critical moment in Cassidy’s spiritual growth, he had let personal feelings intrude. He had prayed she wouldn’t see into his heart but hadn’t prayed that she would let Jesus into hers.

Josh knew he needed to talk to Henry. For the first time ever, he couldn’t do what the pastor had asked of him. Because even though he had no intention of acting upon his feelings, he was too drawn to this woman to act as a spiritual counsel. The proof was blindingly clear. He had failed her, and yet he was afraid to follow her to try to make it right.