Читать книгу We are not given to understand - Катерина Корин - Страница 2

This is Katerina Korin’s second book. A disease erased the author’s memory, and, as Katerina says, «My former life could have disappeared forever if it wasn’t for my first book – You Are Never Alone’.

Gradually, very gradually you learn to see the good in your disease, Katerina says. To understand that God ingeniously creates best conditions for each of our souls to exist.

In Lieu of a Preface. Why Did I Write the Book?

In summer 2021, my first book, You’re Never Alone, was published. However, if someone asked me – what is it about? – I wouldn’t recollect it. If it wasn’t on my desk, I wouldn’t remember the book even existed. Moreover, I only know the title because I see it on the cover. The disease erased my memory, erased my past, and my former life could have disappeared forever if it wasn’t for my records.

At that point, my world contained only today’s events – morning, noon, evening. I went through four epileptic crises, and now I understand how my brain works: from a physiological point of view, it doesn’t remember the past anymore, nor does it think about the future, I live in the moment, now. There were even hours and days when I did not realize who I was. It happened the first moment after I woke up from the first seizure, the most destructive to my memory, making me unconscious of myself. New crises erased my memory again and again. The fourth seizure was easier, but after it, I hardly remember the first crises, they were blotted out from my memory.

When my memory began to come back little by little, I remembered my book, having no idea what was in it. It took me a while to dare to open it, and when I started reading, I found myself in a completely unfamiliar world. I didn’t know what time I was in. In the past, I guess? Still, I kept harking back to the past. I had a hard time reading – written text is difficult for my perception, but I kept repeating to myself I could do it.

I read slowly, slowly, and wondered what was written there. Everything was so unfamiliar, alien, as if it was written by another person, a stranger – not my language, not my style. I didn’t recognize the book, I didn’t recognize myself in the woman telling about her life. After all, my memory did not hold a trace of the events described. But I was so excited! I enjoyed the stories I read. I saw pictures, recognized people, memories came to life. Thus, the text helped me remember who I was. Having read to the last page, I remembered everything. And I won’t forget it anymore. Even if my memory disappears again, I will know where to find myself – in my book.

Literally three days before I got down to a new manuscript, I realized that it was first of all for my sake that God favoured me with writing You Are Never Alone. Just to help me return to myself.

Why Did I Forget Everything?

I thought a lot, looking for answers to my questions – why did I forget everything? Why did I have to recollect my life? Then I came to the conclusion that the disease gave me the chance to start everything from scratch. I had my memory back, it was restored, but I created my perception and significances anew. I assessed my past differently, I analyzed it otherwise than in the moment. God gave me an amazing chance to reconsider everything cardinally, to see my life as if from the outside, to reevaluate and redefine deeds, as if they were done by another person, and now I am looking and thinking. Other people do not have such an opportunity, they only have memories.

Of course, everyone reevaluates sometimes. Being forty-five and remembering the events that happened twenty-five years ago, you see them differently than in your youth. But rarely does anyone get the chance to reconsider their own life as dramatically as I did. And I understand that my personality has changed.

With regard to religion, too, I now differ from my former self. Previously, just a while ago, a year ago, I was sure that there could only be one way, «either-or’, I was uncompromising. For example, Christianity or Buddhism. Today, I am comfortable with the thought that there are ideas in Christianity that I support, there are ideas in Buddhism that resonate with me. I have realized that we can borrow any ideas from all religions, we are not obliged to blindly follow only one of them. And that’s okay.

One would think it’s just a simple thought, but it had never come to me before. Previously, I had been tormented by the question: how can it be that I, a Christian, doubt the Christ’s resurrection? I pretended there was only one truth, and it cannot be questioned. Now it brings a smile to my face. How do you discover the truth? What is written in religious books is not dogma; one thing there is true, another is not. I love myth, parable, it perfectly corresponds to my spirit, I do believe. But I have many questions. Did Jesus ascend on the third day? Why on the third? Where did He ascend to? I don’t understand. And that’s okay. I don’t understand and maybe I never will. It does not matter! From different religions, I will take what corresponds to my spiritual age, what I am ready for. Again, it will change over the course of my life. The events of my life will change this vision.

What’s the Use in My Living If I Can Do Nothing?

There was a moment when I really felt sorry for myself. I wept for my crippleness, for my inability to walk normally, for my constant dizziness. I used to love dancing! I turned music on and danced. I will never be able to dance again. And this word «never’ struck right in the heart. Now I can’t even read the books I want, because I can’t read with my eyes, I can only listen to audio books. I lost everything.

Sometimes I thought about death. What’s the point of living if you can’t do anything? But I was able to say to myself: first, accept it. It’s not just words, it’s a process. And I asked myself, «What can I do? What can I tell myself to tackle this problem?» The answer came in the form of a conviction: «I am strong’. Now, when I am about to throw a pity party, I remind myself, «I am strong’. It helps. I am sure I can overcome something even stronger than things causing my current suffering. Because I am strong.

Still, there are days when self-confidence seems to me an illusion. Once again, the nightmares seem to be winning. And then I understand that I have absolutely not accepted it, that I feel sorry for myself again, I do not want to endure. I feel that acceptance was nothing but a word…

Maybe humility is a multi-layered process? First, you accept everything in words, and then you do it with your heart. But if I cry and feel sorry for myself, am I strong at all? I have no right to cry. Only without tears and complaints will I become the one who accepted it. And over time, the tears become more seldom.

Acceptance is when we stop suffering because of something. Acceptance is the absence of suffering. Here’s what I’m thinking right now.